Richard Brinsley Sheridan

“ O pray, Faulkland, fight to oblige Sir Lucius. FAULKLAND
Nay, if Mr. Acres is so bent on the matter—— ACRES
No, no, Mr. Faulkland;—I'll bear my disappointment like a Christian.—Look'ee, Sir Lucius, there's no occasion at all for me to fight; and if it is the same to you, I'd as lieve let it alone. Sir LUCIUS
Observe me, Mr. Acres—I must not be trifled with. You have certainly challenged somebody—and you came here to fight him. Now, if that gentleman is willing to represent him—I can't see, for my soul, why it isn't just the same thing. ”

“ Then, by the mass, sir! I would do no such thing—ne'er a Sir Lucius O'Trigger in the kingdom should make me fight, when I wasn't so minded. Oons! what will the old lady say, when she hears o't? ACRES
Ah! David, if you had heard Sir Lucius!—Odds sparks and flames! he would have roused your valour. DAVID
Not he, indeed. I hate such bloodthirsty cormorants. Look'ee, master, if you wanted a bout at boxing, quarter staff, or short-staff, I should never be the man to bid you cry off: but for your curst sharps and snaps, I never knew any good come of 'em. ACRES
But my honour, David, my honour! ”

“ MALAPROP
Sir Anthony, shall we leave them together?— [Aside to LYDIA.] Ah! you stubborn little vixen! Sir ANTHONY
Not yet, ma'am, not yet!— [Aside to CAPTAIN ABSOLUTE.] What the devil are you at? unlock your jaws, sirrah, or—— ABSOLUTE
[Aside.] Now Heaven send she may be too sullen to look round!—I must disguise my voice.— [Draws near LYDIA, and speaks in a low hoarse tone.] Will not Miss Languish lend an ear to the mild accents of true love? Will not—— Sir ANTHONY
What the devil ails the fellow? why don't you speak out?—not stand croaking like a frog in a quinsy! ”

“ FAULKLAND
Nay, there must be some mistake, sure. Sir Lucius shall explain himself, and I dare say matters may be accommodated. But this evening did you say? I wish it had been any other time. ABSOLUTE
Why? there will be light enough: there will (as Sir Lucius says) be very pretty small-sword light, though it will not do for a long shot. Confound his long shots. FAULKLAND
But I am myself a good deal ruffled by a difference I have had with Julia. My vile tormenting temper has made me treat her so cruelly, that I shall not be myself till we are reconciled. ”

“ ACRES
Good apartments, Jack. FAULKLAND
Well, sir, but you was saying that Miss Melville has been so exceedingly well—what then she has been merry and gay, I suppose?—Always in spirits—hey? ACRES
Merry, odds crickets! she has been the belle and spirit of the company wherever she has been—so lively and entertaining! so full of wit and humour! FAULKLAND
There, Jack, there.—Oh, by my soul! there is an innate levity in woman, that nothing can overcome.—What! happy, and I away! ABSOLUTE
Have done.—How foolish this is! just now you were only apprehensive for your mistress' spirits. ”

“ JULIA
If I were in spirits, Lydia, I should chide you only by laughing heartily at you; but it suits more the situation of my mind, at present, earnestly to entreat you not to let a man, who loves you with sincerity, suffer that unhappiness from your caprice, which I know too well caprice can inflict. LYDIA
O Lud! what has brought my aunt here? [Enter Mrs. MALAPROP, FAG, and DAVID.]
Mrs. MALAPROP
So! so! here's fine work!—here's fine suicide, parricide, and simulation, going on in the fields! and Sir Anthony not to be found to prevent the antistrophe! ”

“ Sir LUCIUS A
rival in the case, is there?—and you think he has supplanted you unfairly? ACRES
Unfairly! to be sure he has. He never could have done it fairly. Sir LUCIUS
Then sure you know what is to be done! ACRES
Not I, upon my soul! Sir LUCIUS
We wear no swords here, but you understand me. ACRES
What! fight him! Sir LUCIUS
Ay, to be sure: what can I mean else? ACRES
But he has given me no provocation. Sir LUCIUS
Now, I think he has given you the greatest provocation in the world. Can a man commit a more heinous offence against another than to fall in love with the same woman? ”

“ Indeed, sir, I never was cooler in my life. Sir ANTHONY
'Tis a confounded lie!—I know you are in a passion in your heart; I know you are, you hypocritical young dog! but it won't do. ABSOLUTE
Nay, sir, upon my word—— Sir ANTHONY
So you will fly out! can't you be cool like me? What the devil good can passion do?—Passion is of no service, you impudent, insolent, overbearing reprobate!—There, you sneer again! don't provoke me!—but you rely upon the mildness of my temper—you do, you dog! ”

“ What, quarrel with my dear friend Jack Absolute?—not if he were fifty Beverleys! Zounds! Sir Lucius, you would not have me so unnatural. Sir LUCIUS
Upon my conscience, Mr. Acres, your valour has oozed away with a vengeance! ACRES
Not in the least! Odds backs and abettors! I'll be your second with all my heart—and if you should get a quietus, you may command me entirely. I'll get you snug lying in the Abbey here; or pickle you, and send you over to Blunderbuss-hall, or anything of the kind, with the greatest pleasure. Sir LUCIUS
Pho! pho! you are little better than a coward. ”

“ Sir LUCIUS
That's no argument at all—he has the less right then to take such a liberty. ACRES
Gad, that's true—I grow full of anger, Sir Lucius!—I fire apace! Odds hilts and blades! I find a man may have a deal of valour in him, and not know it! But couldn't I contrive to have a little right of my side? Sir LUCIUS
What the devil signifies right, when your honour is concerned? Do you think Achilles, or my little Alexander the Great, ever inquired where the right lay? ”

“ JULIA
Where nature has bestowed a show of nice attention in the features of a man, he should laugh at it as misplaced. I have seen men, who in this vain article, perhaps, might rank above you; but my heart has never asked my eyes if it were so or not. FAULKLAND
Now this is not well from you, Julia—I despise person in a man—yet if you loved me as I wish, though I were an AEthiop, you'd think none so fair. JULIA
I see you are determined to be unkind! The contract which my poor father bound us in gives you more than a lover's privilege. ”

“ JULIA
But who is there beside Captain Absolute, friend? DAVID
My poor master—under favour for mentioning him first. You know me, my lady—I am David—and my master of course is, or was, Squire Acres. Then comes Squire Faulkland. JULIA
Do, ma'am, let us instantly endeavour to prevent mischief. Mrs. MALAPROP
O fy! it would be very inelegant in us:—we should only participate things. DAVID
Ah! do, Mrs. Aunt, save a few lives—they are desperately given, believe me.—Above all, there is that bloodthirsty Philistine, Sir Lucius O'Trigger. Mrs. MALAPROP
Sir Lucius O'Trigger? O mercy! ”

“ Come, Julia, I never interfered before; but let me have a hand in the matter at last.—All the faults I have ever seen in my friend Faulkland seemed to proceed from what he calls the delicacy and warmth of his affection for you—There, marry him directly, Julia; you'll find he'll mend surprisingly! [The rest come forward.]
Sir LUCIUS
Come, now, I hope there is no dissatisfied person, but what is content; for as I have been disappointed myself, it will be very hard if I have not the satisfaction of seeing other people succeed better. ”

“ Well, then—shall I own to you that my joy at hearing of your health and arrival here, by your neighbour Acres, was somewhat damped by his dwelling much on the high spirits you had enjoyed in Devonshire—on your mirth—your singing—dancing, and I know not what! For such is my temper, Julia, that I should regard every mirthful moment in your absence as a treason to constancy. The mutual tear that steals down the cheek of parting lovers is a compact, that no smile shall live there till they meet again. JULIA
Must I never cease to tax my Faulkland with this teasing minute caprice? ”

“ FAULKLAND
If there be but one vicious mind in the set, 'twill spread like a contagion—the action of their pulse beats to the lascivious movement of the jig—their quivering, warm-breathed sighs impregnate the very air—the atmosphere becomes electrical to love, and each amorous spark darts through every link of the chain!—I must leave you—I own I am somewhat flurried—and that confounded looby has perceived it. [Going.] ABSOLUTE
Nay, but stay, Faulkland, and thank Mr. Acres for his good news. FAULKLAND
Damn his news! [Exit.] ABSOLUTE
Ha! ha! ha! ”

“ LYDIA
Ah, madam! our memories are independent of our wills. It is not so easy to forget. Mrs. MALAPROP
But I say it is, miss; there is nothing on earth so easy as to forget, if a person chooses to set about it. I'm sure I have as much forgot your poor dear uncle as if he had never existed—and I thought it my duty so to do; and let me tell you, Lydia, these violent memories don't become a young woman. Sir ANTHONY
Why sure she won't pretend to remember what she's ordered not!—ay, this comes of her reading! ”

“ ACRES
But, David, now, you don't think there is such very, very, very great danger, hey?—Odds life! people often fight without any mischief done! DAVID
By the mass, I think 'tis ten to one against you!—Oons! here to meet some lion-headed fellow, I warrant, with his damned double-barrelled swords, and cut-and-thrust pistols!—Lord bless us! it makes me tremble to think o't—Those be such desperate bloody-minded weapons! Well, I never could abide 'em!—from a child I never could fancy 'em!—I suppose there an't been so merciless a beast in the world as your loaded pistol! ”

“ Malaprop! Languish! I don't remember ever to have heard the names before. Yet, stay—I think I do recollect something. Languish! Languish! She squints, don't she? A little red-haired girl? Sir ANTHONY
Squints! A red-haired girl! Zounds! no. ABSOLUTE
Then I must have forgot; it can't be the same person. Sir ANTHONY
Jack! Jack! what think you of blooming, love-breathing seventeen? ABSOLUTE
As to that, sir, I am quite indifferent. If I can please you in the matter, 'tis all I desire. Sir ANTHONY
Nay, but Jack, such eyes! such eyes! so innocently wild! so bashfully irresolute! ”

“ No, Sir Lucius; but I should think forty or eight-and-thirty yards—— Sir LUCIUS
Pho! pho! nonsense! three or four feet between the mouths of your pistols is as good as a mile. ACRES
Odds bullets, no!—by my valour! there is no merit in killing him so near; do, my dear Sir Lucius, let me bring him down at a long shot:—a long shot, Sir Lucius, if you love me! Sir LUCIUS
Well, the gentleman's friend and I must settle that.—But tell me now, Mr. Acres, in case of an accident, is there any little will or commission I could execute for you? ”

“ ACRES
Mind, I give up all my claim—I make no pretensions to any thing in the world; and if I can't get a wife without fighting for her, by my valour! I'll live a bachelor. Sir LUCIUS
Captain, give me your hand: an affront handsomely acknowledged becomes an obligation; and as for the lady, if she chooses to deny her own hand-writing, here—— [Takes out letters.] Mrs. MALAPROP
O, he will dissolve my mystery!—Sir Lucius, perhaps there's some mistake—perhaps I can illuminate—— Sir LUCIUS
Pray, old gentlewoman, don't interfere where you have no business.—Miss Languish, are you my Delia, or not? ”

“ MALAPROP
Observe me, Sir Anthony. I would by no means wish a daughter of mine to be a progeny of learning; I don't think so much learning becomes a young woman; for instance, I would never let her meddle with Greek, or Hebrew, or algebra, or simony, or fluxions, or paradoxes, or such inflammatory branches of learning—neither would it be necessary for her to handle any of your mathematical, astronomical, diabolical instruments.—But, Sir Anthony, I would send her, at nine years old, to a boarding-school, in order to learn a little ingenuity and artifice. ”

“ Sir LUCIUS
That's no reason. For give me leave to tell you, a man may think an untruth as well as speak one. ABSOLUTE
Very true, sir; but if a man never utters his thoughts, I should think they might stand a chance of escaping controversy. Sir LUCIUS
Then, sir, you differ in opinion with me, which amounts to the same thing. ABSOLUTE
Hark'ee, Sir Lucius; if I had not before known you to be a gentleman, upon my soul, I should not have discovered it at this interview: for what you can drive at, unless you mean to quarrel with me, I cannot conceive! ”

“ O Jack! when delicate and feeling souls are separated, there is not a feature in the sky, not a movement of the elements, not an aspiration of the breeze, but hints some cause for a lover's apprehension! ABSOLUTE
Ay, but we may choose whether we will take the hint or not.—So, then, Faulkland, if you were convinced that Julia were well and in spirits, you would be entirely content? FAULKLAND
I should be happy beyond measure—I am anxious only for that. ABSOLUTE
Then to cure your anxiety at once—Miss Melville is in perfect health, and is at this moment in Bath. ”

“ Pretty well, Thomas, pretty well—'tis a good lounge; in the morning we go to the pump-room (though neither my master nor I drink the waters) ; after breakfast we saunter on the parades, or play a game at billiards; at night we dance; but damn the place, I'm tired of it: their regular hours stupify me—not a fiddle nor a card after eleven!—However, Mr. Faulkland's gentleman and I keep it up a little in private parties;—I'll introduce you there, Thomas—you'll like him much. THOMAS
Sure I know Mr. Du-Peigne—you know his master is to marry Madam Julia. ”