Richard Brinsley Sheridan

“ CHARLES. What, that? Oh; that's my uncle Oliver! 'Twas done before he went to India.
CARELESS. Your uncle Oliver! Gad, then you'll never be friends, Charles. That, now, to me, is as stern a looking rogue as ever I saw; an unforgiving eye, and a damned disinheriting countenance! an inveterate knave, depend on't. Don't you think so, little Premium?
SIR OLIVER. Upon my soul, Sir, I do not; I think it is as honest a looking face as any in the room, dead or alive. But I suppose uncle Oliver goes with the rest of the lumber?
CHARLES. No, hang it! I'll not part with poor Noll. ”

“ SIR PETER. So—so—all over the Town already! [Aside.]
CRABTREE. Tho', Sir Peter, you were certainly vastly to blame to marry at all at your years.
SIR PETER. Sir, what Business is that of yours?
MRS. CANDOUR. Tho' Indeed, as Sir Peter made so good a Husband, he's very much to be pitied.
SIR PETER. Plague on your pity, Ma'am, I desire none of it.
SIR BENJAMIN. However Sir Peter, you must not mind the Laughing and jests you will meet with on the occasion.
SIR PETER. Sir, I desire to be master in my own house.
CRABTREE. 'Tis no Uncommon Case, that's one comfort. ”

“ Louisa. Yes; and if ever you wish to prosper in love, you will
bring me to him.
Isaac. By St. Iago and I will too!—Carlos, this Antonio is one who
rivals me (as I have heard) with Louisa—now, if I could hamper him
with this girl, I should have the field to myself; hey, Carlos! A
lucky thought, isn't it?
Don Car. Yes, very good—very good!
Isaac. Ah! this little brain is never at a loss—cunning Isaac!
cunning rogue! Donna Clara, will you trust yourself awhile to my
friend's direction?
Don. Louisa. May I rely on you, good signor?
Don. Car. Lady, it is impossible I should deceive you. ”

“ Then, by the mass, sir! I would do no such thing—ne'er a Sir Lucius O'Trigger in the kingdom should make me fight, when I wasn't so minded. Oons! what will the old lady say, when she hears o't? ACRES
Ah! David, if you had heard Sir Lucius!—Odds sparks and flames! he would have roused your valour. DAVID
Not he, indeed. I hate such bloodthirsty cormorants. Look'ee, master, if you wanted a bout at boxing, quarter staff, or short-staff, I should never be the man to bid you cry off: but for your curst sharps and snaps, I never knew any good come of 'em. ACRES
But my honour, David, my honour! ”

“ Don. Louisa. Certainly, sir; and I am particularly glad to find you are of that opinion.
Isaac. O Lud! yes, ma'am—let any one outwit me that can, I say! But here, let me join your hands. There you lucky rogue! I wish you happily married from the bottom of my soul!
Don. Louisa. And I am sure, if you wish it, no one else should prevent it.
Isaac. Now, Antonio, we are rivals no more; so let us be friends, will you?
Don Ant. With all my heart, Isaac.
Isaac. It is not every man, let me tell you, that would have taken such pains, or been so generous to a rival. ”

“ O pray, Faulkland, fight to oblige Sir Lucius.
FAULKLAND
Nay, if Mr. Acres is so bent on the matter——
ACRES
No, no, Mr. Faulkland;—I'll bear my disappointment like a
Christian.—Look'ee, Sir Lucius, there's no occasion at all for me to
fight; and if it is the same to you, I'd as lieve let it alone.
Sir LUCIUS Observe me, Mr. Acres—I must not be trifled with. You have certainly challenged somebody—and you came here to fight him. Now, if that gentleman is willing to represent him—I can't see, for my soul, why it isn't just the same thing. ”

“ CARELESS. Oh, have with you, if that's the case. I can handle a hammer as well as a dice box! Going! going!
SIR OLIVER. Oh, the profligates! [Aside.]
CHARLES. Come, Moses, you shall be appraiser, if we want one. Gad's life, little Premium, you don't seem to like the business?
SIR OLIVER. Oh, yes, I do, vastly! Ha! ha! ha! yes, yes, I think it a rare joke to sell one's family by auction—ha! ha!— [Aside.] Oh, the prodigal!
CHARLES. To be sure! when a man wants money, where the plague should he get assistance, if he can't make free with his own relations? ”

“ LYDIA
But who is this? who! who! who? FAG
My master, ma'am—my master—I speak of my master. LYDIA
Heavens! What, Captain Absolute! Mrs. MALAPROP
Oh, to be sure, you are frightened now! JULIA
But who are with him, sir? FAG
As to the rest, ma'am, this gentleman can inform you better than I. JULIA
[To DAVID.] Do speak, friend. DAVID
Look'ee, my lady—by the mass! there's mischief going on. Folks don't use to meet for amusement with firearms, firelocks, fire-engines, fire-screens, fire-office, and the devil knows what other crackers beside!—This, my lady, I say, has an angry savour. ”

“ ACRES
What, quarrel with my dear friend Jack Absolute?—not if he were fifty
Beverleys! Zounds! Sir Lucius, you would not have me so unnatural.
Sir LUCIUS Upon my conscience, Mr. Acres, your valour has oozed away with a vengeance!
ACRES Not in the least! Odds backs and abettors! I'll be your second with all my heart—and if you should get a quietus, you may command me entirely. I'll get you snug lying in the Abbey here; or pickle you, and send you over to Blunderbuss-hall, or anything of the kind, with the greatest pleasure.
Sir LUCIUS
Pho! pho! you are little better than a coward. ”

“ Louisa. I'm afraid not, Antonio—for in religion, as in friendship, they who profess most are the least sincere. [Exeunt.]
Re-enter DONNA CLARA.
Don. Clara, So, yonder they go, as happy as a mutual and confessed affection can make them, while I am left in solitude. Heigho! love may perhaps excuse the rashness of an elopement from one's friend, but I am sure nothing but the presence of the man we love can support it. Ha! what do I see! Ferdinand, as I live! How could he gain admission? By potent gold, I suppose, as Antonio did. How eager and disturbed he seems! He shall not know me as yet. ”

“ ACRES
Good apartments, Jack. FAULKLAND
Well, sir, but you was saying that Miss Melville has been so exceedingly well—what then she has been merry and gay, I suppose?—Always in spirits—hey? ACRES
Merry, odds crickets! she has been the belle and spirit of the company wherever she has been—so lively and entertaining! so full of wit and humour! FAULKLAND
There, Jack, there.—Oh, by my soul! there is an innate levity in woman, that nothing can overcome.—What! happy, and I away! ABSOLUTE
Have done.—How foolish this is! just now you were only apprehensive for your mistress' spirits. ”

“ SIR PETER. Ah—Charles if you associated more with your Brother, one might indeed hope for your reformation—He is a man of Sentiment—Well! there is nothing in the world so noble as a man of Sentiment!
CHARLES. Pshaw! He is too moral by half—and so apprehensive of his good Name, as he calls it, that I suppose He would as soon let a Priest in his House as a Girl—
SIR PETER. No—no—come come,—you wrong him. No, no, Joseph is no Rake but he is no such Saint in that respect either. ”

“ ACRES Your words are a grenadier's march to my heart! I believe courage must be catching! I certainly do feel a kind of valour rising as it were—a kind of courage, as I may say.—Odds flints, pans, and triggers! I'll challenge him directly.
Sir LUCIUS Ah, my little friend, if I had Blunderbuss Hall here, I could show you a range of ancestry, in the O'Trigger line, that would furnish the new room; every one of whom had killed his man!—For though the mansion-house and dirty acres have slipped through my fingers, I thank heaven our honour and the family-pictures are as fresh as ever. ”

“ Here, Louisa, tell this proud fool of yours that he's the only man I know that would renounce your fortune; and, by my soul! he's the only man in Spain that's worthy of it. There, bless you both: I'm an obstinate old fellow when I'm in the wrong; but you shall now find me as steady in the right.
Enter DON FERDINAND and DONNA CLARA.
Another wonder still! Why, sirrah! Ferdinand, you have not stole a nun, have you?
Don Fred. She is a nun in nothing but her habit, sir—look nearer, and you will perceive 'tis Clara d'Almanza, Don Guzman's daughter ”

“ CARELESS. No, no, that won't do! Mr. Premium, you have demurred at the toast, and must drink it in a pint bumper.
FIRST GENTLEMAN. A pint bumper, at least.
MOSES. Oh, pray, sir, consider—Mr. Premium's a gentleman.
CARELESS. And therefore loves good wine.
SECOND GENTLEMAN. Give Moses a quart glass—this is mutiny, and a high contempt for the chair.
CARELESS. Here, now for't! I'll see justice done, to the last drop of my bottle.
SIR OLIVER. Nay, pray, gentlemen—I did not expect this usage.
CHARLES. No, hang it, you shan't; Mr. Premium's a stranger. ”

“ LYDIA
O patience!—Do, ma'am, for Heaven's sake! tell us what is the matter? Mrs. MALAPROP
Why, murder's the matter! slaughter's the matter! killing's the matter!—but he can tell you the perpendiculars. LYDIA
Then, prithee, sir, be brief. FAG
Why, then, ma'am, as to murder—I cannot take upon me to say—and as to slaughter, or manslaughter, that will be as the jury finds it. LYDIA
But who, sir—who are engaged in this? FAG
Faith, ma'am, one is a young gentleman whom I should be very sorry any thing was to happen to—a very pretty behaved gentleman! We have lived much together, and always on terms. ”

“ ACRES
——Stay—stay, Jack.—If Beverley should ask you what kind of a man
your friend Acres is, do tell him I am a devil of a fellow—will you,
Jack?
ABSOLUTE
To be sure I shall. I'll say you are a determined dog—hey, Bob!
ACRES Ah, do, do—and if that frightens him, egad, perhaps he mayn't come. So tell him I generally kill a man a week; will you, Jack?
ABSOLUTE
I will, I will; I'll say you are called in the country Fighting Bob.
ACRES Right—right—'tis all to prevent mischief; for I don't want to take his life if I clear my honour. ”

“ SCENE II.—DONNA LOUISA'S Dressing-Room. Enter ISAAC and MAID.
Maid. Sir, my mistress will wait on you presently.
[Goes to the door.]
Isaac. When she's at leisure—don't hurry her.— [Exit MAID.] —I wish I had ever practised a love-scene—I doubt I shall make a poor figure—I couldn't be more afraid if I was going before the Inquisition. So, the door opens—yes, she's coming—the very rustling of her silk has a disdainful sound.
Enter DUENNA dressed as DONNA LOUISA.
Now dar'n't I look round, for the soul of me—her beauty will certainly strike me dumb if I do. I wish she'd speak first. ”

“ CHARLES. Oh, no, sir! plain dealing in business I always think best.
SIR OLIVER. Sir, I like you the better for it. However, You are mistaken in one thing; I have no money to lend, but I believe I could procure some of a friend; but then he's an unconscionable dog. Isn't he, Moses? And must sell stock to accommodate you. Mustn't he, Moses!
MOSES. Yes, indeed! You know I always speak the truth, and scorn to tell a lie!
CHARLES. Right. People that speak truth generally do. But these are trifles, Mr. Premium. What! I know money isn't to be bought without paying for't! ”

“ ACRES
Out, you poltroon! you ha'n't the valour of a grasshopper.
DAVID Well, I say no more—'twill be sad news, to be sure, at Clod-Hall! but I ha' done.—How Phillis will howl when she hears of it!—Ay, poor bitch, she little thinks what shooting her master's going after! And I warrant old Crop, who has carried your honour, field and road, these ten years, will curse the hour he was born. [Whimpering.]
ACRES It won't do, David—I am determined to fight—so get along you coward, while I'm in the mind.
[Enter SERVANT.]
SERVANT
Captain Absolute, sir.
ACRES
Oh! show him up. ”

“ FAULKLAND
Nay, there must be some mistake, sure. Sir Lucius shall explain himself, and I dare say matters may be accommodated. But this evening did you say? I wish it had been any other time. ABSOLUTE
Why? there will be light enough: there will (as Sir Lucius says) be very pretty small-sword light, though it will not do for a long shot. Confound his long shots. FAULKLAND
But I am myself a good deal ruffled by a difference I have had with Julia. My vile tormenting temper has made me treat her so cruelly, that I shall not be myself till we are reconciled. ”

“ SURFACE. Aye Madam to be sure that is the Provoking circumstance—without Foundation—yes yes—there's the mortification indeed—for when a slanderous story is believed against one—there certainly is no comfort like the consciousness of having deserved it——
LADY TEAZLE. No to be sure—then I'd forgive their malice—but to attack me, who am really so innocent—and who never say an ill-natured thing of anybody—that is, of any Friend—! and then Sir Peter too—to have him so peevish—and so suspicious—when I know the integrity of my own Heart—indeed 'tis monstrous. ”

“ MALAPROP Observe me, Sir Anthony. I would by no means wish a daughter of mine to be a progeny of learning; I don't think so much learning becomes a young woman; for instance, I would never let her meddle with Greek, or Hebrew, or algebra, or simony, or fluxions, or paradoxes, or such inflammatory branches of learning—neither would it be necessary for her to handle any of your mathematical, astronomical, diabolical instruments.—But, Sir Anthony, I would send her, at nine years old, to a boarding-school, in order to learn a little ingenuity and artifice. ”

“ ACRES
Mind, I give up all my claim—I make no pretensions to any thing in the world; and if I can't get a wife without fighting for her, by my valour! I'll live a bachelor. Sir LUCIUS
Captain, give me your hand: an affront handsomely acknowledged becomes an obligation; and as for the lady, if she chooses to deny her own hand-writing, here—— [Takes out letters.] Mrs. MALAPROP
O, he will dissolve my mystery!—Sir Lucius, perhaps there's some mistake—perhaps I can illuminate—— Sir LUCIUS
Pray, old gentlewoman, don't interfere where you have no business.—Miss Languish, are you my Delia, or not? ”

“ CARELESS. It is so indeed—Charles—they give into all the substantial Luxuries of the Table—and abstain from nothing but wine and wit—Oh, certainly society suffers by it intolerably—for now instead of the social spirit of Raillery that used to mantle over a glass of bright Burgundy their conversation is become just like the Spa water they drink which has all the Pertness and flatulence of champaine without its spirit or Flavour.
FIRST GENTLEMAN. But what are they to do who love Play better than wine——
CARELESS. True—there's Harry diets himself—for gaming and is now under a hazard Regimen. ”

“ JULIA If I were in spirits, Lydia, I should chide you only by laughing heartily at you; but it suits more the situation of my mind, at present, earnestly to entreat you not to let a man, who loves you with sincerity, suffer that unhappiness from your caprice, which I know too well caprice can inflict.
LYDIA
O Lud! what has brought my aunt here?
[Enter Mrs. MALAPROP, FAG, and DAVID.]
Mrs. MALAPROP So! so! here's fine work!—here's fine suicide, parricide, and simulation, going on in the fields! and Sir Anthony not to be found to prevent the antistrophe! ”

“ MALAPROP
Sir Anthony, shall we leave them together?— [Aside to LYDIA.] Ah! you stubborn little vixen! Sir ANTHONY
Not yet, ma'am, not yet!— [Aside to CAPTAIN ABSOLUTE.] What the devil are you at? unlock your jaws, sirrah, or—— ABSOLUTE
[Aside.] Now Heaven send she may be too sullen to look round!—I must disguise my voice.— [Draws near LYDIA, and speaks in a low hoarse tone.] Will not Miss Languish lend an ear to the mild accents of true love? Will not—— Sir ANTHONY
What the devil ails the fellow? why don't you speak out?—not stand croaking like a frog in a quinsy! ”

“ Pretty well, Thomas, pretty well—'tis a good lounge; in the morning we go to the pump-room (though neither my master nor I drink the waters) ; after breakfast we saunter on the parades, or play a game at billiards; at night we dance; but damn the place, I'm tired of it: their regular hours stupify me—not a fiddle nor a card after eleven!—However, Mr. Faulkland's gentleman and I keep it up a little in private parties;—I'll introduce you there, Thomas—you'll like him much. THOMAS
Sure I know Mr. Du-Peigne—you know his master is to marry Madam Julia. ”

“ LADY TEAZLE. Aye so I was—and would always take your Part, when my acquaintance used to abuse you and turn you into ridicule—
SIR PETER. Indeed!
LADY TEAZLE. Aye—and when my cousin Sophy has called you a stiff peevish old batchelor and laugh'd at me for thinking of marrying one who might be my Father—I have always defended you—and said I didn't think you so ugly by any means, and that you'd make a very good sort of a husband—
SIR PETER. And you prophesied right—and we shall certainly now be the happiest couple——
LADY TEAZLE. And never differ again. ”