Richard Brinsley Sheridan

“ SIR OLIVER. [Aside.] Heaven deliver me! his famous uncle Richard for ten pounds!— [Aloud.] Very well, sir, I take him at that.
CHARLES. Careless, knock down my uncle Richard.—Here, now, is a maiden sister of his, my great-aunt Deborah, done by Kneller, in his best manner, and esteemed a very formidable likeness. There she is, you see, a shepherdess feeding her flock. You shall have her for five pounds ten—the sheep are worth the money.
SIR OLIVER. [Aside.] Ah! poor Deborah! a woman who set such a value on herself!— [Aloud.] Five pounds ten—she's mine.
CHARLES. Knock down my aunt Deborah! ”

“ LADY TEAZLE. Aye so I was—and would always take your Part, when my acquaintance used to abuse you and turn you into ridicule—
SIR PETER. Indeed!
LADY TEAZLE. Aye—and when my cousin Sophy has called you a stiff peevish old batchelor and laugh'd at me for thinking of marrying one who might be my Father—I have always defended you—and said I didn't think you so ugly by any means, and that you'd make a very good sort of a husband—
SIR PETER. And you prophesied right—and we shall certainly now be the happiest couple——
LADY TEAZLE. And never differ again. ”

“ CHARLES. Oh, no, sir! plain dealing in business I always think best.
SIR OLIVER. Sir, I like you the better for it. However, You are mistaken in one thing; I have no money to lend, but I believe I could procure some of a friend; but then he's an unconscionable dog. Isn't he, Moses? And must sell stock to accommodate you. Mustn't he, Moses!
MOSES. Yes, indeed! You know I always speak the truth, and scorn to tell a lie!
CHARLES. Right. People that speak truth generally do. But these are trifles, Mr. Premium. What! I know money isn't to be bought without paying for't! ”

“ SIR PETER.
I believe you upon my soul Ma'am— SURFACE.
'Sdeath, madam, will you betray me! [Aside.] LADY TEAZLE.
Good Mr. Hypocrite by your leave I will speak for myself— SIR PETER.
Aye let her alone Sir—you'll find she'll make out a better story than you without Prompting. LADY TEAZLE.
Hear me Sir Peter—I came hither on no matter relating to your ward and even ignorant of this Gentleman's pretensions to her—but I came—seduced by his insidious arguments—and pretended Passion [—] at least to listen to his dishonourable Love if not to sacrifice your Honour to his Baseness. ”

“ SIR PETER. Ah—Charles if you associated more with your Brother, one might indeed hope for your reformation—He is a man of Sentiment—Well! there is nothing in the world so noble as a man of Sentiment!
CHARLES. Pshaw! He is too moral by half—and so apprehensive of his good Name, as he calls it, that I suppose He would as soon let a Priest in his House as a Girl—
SIR PETER. No—no—come come,—you wrong him. No, no, Joseph is no Rake but he is no such Saint in that respect either. ”

“ MRS. CANDOUR. How can you be so ill-natured!
LADY TEAZLE. Nay, I allow even that's better than the Pains Mrs. Prim takes to conceal her losses in Front—she draws her mouth till it resembles the aperture of a Poor's-Box, and all her words appear to slide out edgewise.
LADY SNEERWELL. Very well Lady Teazle I see you can be a little severe.
LADY TEAZLE. In defence of a Friend it is but justice, but here comes Sir Peter to spoil our Pleasantry.
Enter SIR PETER
SIR PETER. Ladies, your obedient—Mercy on me—here is the whole set! a character's dead at every word, I suppose. ”

“ CARELESS. It is so indeed—Charles—they give into all the substantial Luxuries of the Table—and abstain from nothing but wine and wit—Oh, certainly society suffers by it intolerably—for now instead of the social spirit of Raillery that used to mantle over a glass of bright Burgundy their conversation is become just like the Spa water they drink which has all the Pertness and flatulence of champaine without its spirit or Flavour.
FIRST GENTLEMAN. But what are they to do who love Play better than wine——
CARELESS. True—there's Harry diets himself—for gaming and is now under a hazard Regimen. ”

“ Aye—there's another Precious circumstance—a charming set of acquaintance—you have made there! LADY TEAZLE.
Nay Sir Peter they are People of Rank and Fortune— and remarkably tenacious of reputation. SIR PETER.
Yes egad they are tenacious of Reputation with a vengeance, for they don't chuse anybody should have a Character but themselves! Such a crew! Ah! many a wretch has rid on hurdles who has done less mischief than these utterers of forged Tales, coiners of Scandal, and clippers of Reputation. ”

“ LADY SNEERWELL. Ha! ha! ha! well said, Sir Peter—but you are a cruel creature—too Phlegmatic yourself for a jest and too peevish to allow wit in others.
SIR PETER. Ah Madam true wit is more nearly allow'd [allied?] to good Nature than your Ladyship is aware of.
LADY SNEERWELL. True Sir Peter—I believe they are so near akin that they can never be united.
SIR BENJAMIN. O rather Madam suppose them man and wife because one seldom sees them together.
LADY TEAZLE. But Sir Peter is such an Enemy to Scandal I believe He would have it put down by Parliament. ”

“ CHARLES. What, that? Oh; that's my uncle Oliver! 'Twas done before he went to India.
CARELESS. Your uncle Oliver! Gad, then you'll never be friends, Charles. That, now, to me, is as stern a looking rogue as ever I saw; an unforgiving eye, and a damned disinheriting countenance! an inveterate knave, depend on't. Don't you think so, little Premium?
SIR OLIVER. Upon my soul, Sir, I do not; I think it is as honest a looking face as any in the room, dead or alive. But I suppose uncle Oliver goes with the rest of the lumber?
CHARLES. No, hang it! I'll not part with poor Noll. ”

“ Aye to Charles—— SIR BENJAMIN.
No, no—to Mr. Surface—'a most ungrateful Fellow; and old as I am, Sir,' says He, 'I insist on immediate satisfaction.' MRS. CANDOUR.
Aye that must have been to Charles for 'tis very unlikely Mr. Surface should go to fight in his own House. SIR BENJAMIN.
Gad's Life, Ma'am, not at all—giving me immediate satisfaction—on this, Madam—Lady Teazle seeing Sir Peter in such Danger—ran out of the Room in strong Hysterics—and Charles after her calling out for Hartshorn and Water! ”

“ SURFACE. Aye Madam to be sure that is the Provoking circumstance—without Foundation—yes yes—there's the mortification indeed—for when a slanderous story is believed against one—there certainly is no comfort like the consciousness of having deserved it——
LADY TEAZLE. No to be sure—then I'd forgive their malice—but to attack me, who am really so innocent—and who never say an ill-natured thing of anybody—that is, of any Friend—! and then Sir Peter too—to have him so peevish—and so suspicious—when I know the integrity of my own Heart—indeed 'tis monstrous. ”

“ SIR OLIVER. Well—well I shall be perfect—
SIR PETER. But hearkee wouldn't you have him also run out a little against the annuity Bill—that would be in character I should think—
MOSES. Very much—
ROWLEY. And lament that a young man now must be at years of discretion before He is suffered to ruin himself!
MOSES. Aye, great Pity!
SIR PETER. And abuse the Public for allowing merit to an act whose only object is to snatch misfortune and imprudence from the rapacious Relief of usury! and give the minor a chance of inheriting his estate without being undone by coming into Possession. ”

“ SIR PETER. Very well! ma'am very well! so a husband is to have no influence, no authority?
LADY TEAZLE. Authority! no, to be sure—if you wanted authority over me, you should have adopted me and not married me [:] I am sure you were old enough.
SIR PETER. Old enough—aye there it is—well—well—Lady Teazle, tho' my life may be made unhappy by your Temper—I'll not be ruined by your extravagance—
LADY TEAZLE. My extravagance! I'm sure I'm not more extravagant than a woman of Fashion ought to be. ”

“ CHARLES. Why as to reforming Sir Peter I'll make no promises—and that I take to be a proof that I intend to set about it—But here shall be my Monitor—my gentle Guide.—ah! can I leave the Virtuous path those Eyes illumine?
Tho' thou, dear Maid, should'st wave [waive] thy Beauty's Sway, —Thou still must Rule—because I will obey: An humbled fugitive from Folly View, No sanctuary near but Love and YOU: You can indeed each anxious Fear remove, For even Scandal dies if you approve. ”

“ SURFACE. I have not seen either since I saw you—but I can inform you that they are at present at Variance—some of your stories have taken good effect on Maria.
LADY SNEERWELL. Ah! my dear Verjuice the merit of this belongs to you. But do your Brother's Distresses encrease?
SURFACE. Every hour. I am told He had another execution in his house yesterday—in short his Dissipation and extravagance exceed anything I have ever heard of.
LADY SNEERWELL. Poor Charles!
SURFACE. True Madam—notwithstanding his Vices one can't help feeling for him—ah poor Charles! ”

“ MRS. CANDOUR. It cannot be—and I wonder any one should believe such a story of so prudent a Lady as Miss Nicely.
SIR BENJAMIN. O Lud! ma'am, that's the very reason 'twas believed at once. She has always been so cautious and so reserved, that everybody was sure there was some reason for it at bottom.
LADY SNEERWELL. Yes a Tale of Scandal is as fatal to the Reputation of a prudent Lady of her stamp as a Fever is generally to those of the strongest Constitutions, but there is a sort of puny sickly Reputation, that is always ailing yet will outlive the robuster characters of a hundred Prudes. ”

“ SECOND GENTLEMAN. Aye that may be—but it is as impossible to follow wine and play as to unite Love and Politics.
CHARLES. Pshaw—you may do both—Caesar made Love and Laws in a Breath—and was liked by the Senate as well as the Ladies—but no man can pretend to be a Believer in Love, who is an abjurer of wine—'tis the Test by which a Lover knows his own Heart—fill a dozen Bumpers to a dozen Beauties, and she that floats atop is the maid that has bewitched you. ”

“ VERJUICE.
She certainly has Talents. LADY SNEERWELL.
But her manner is gross. VERJUICE.
'Tis very true. She generally designs well [,] has a free tongue and a bold invention—but her colouring is too dark and her outline often extravagant—She wants that delicacy of Tint—and mellowness of sneer—which distinguish your Ladyship's Scandal. LADY SNEERWELL.
Ah you are Partial Verjuice. VERJUICE.
Not in the least—everybody allows that Lady Sneerwell can do more with a word or a Look than many can with the most laboured Detail even when they happen to have a little truth on their side to support it. ”

“ Farewell! your revels I partake no more, And Lady Teazle's occupation's o'er! All this I told our bard; he smiled, and said 'twas clear, I ought to play deep tragedy next year. Meanwhile he drew wise morals from his play, And in these solemn periods stalk'd away:— "Bless'd were the fair like you; her faults who stopp'd, And closed her follies when the curtain dropp'd! No more in vice or error to engage, Or play the fool at large on life's great stage." ”

“ MRS. CANDOUR. I am rejoiced you are come, Sir Peter—they have been so censorious and Lady Teazle as bad as any one.
SIR PETER. That must be very distressing to you, Mrs. Candour I dare swear.
MRS. CANDOUR. O they will allow good Qualities to nobody—not even good nature to our Friend Mrs. Pursy.
LADY TEAZLE. What, the fat dowager who was at Mrs. Codrille's [Quadrille's] last Night?
LADY SNEERWELL. Nay—her bulk is her misfortune and when she takes such Pains to get rid of it you ought not to reflect on her.
MRS. CANDOUR. 'Tis very true, indeed. ”

“ Ah: my dear—Madam there is the great mistake—'tis this very conscious Innocence that is of the greatest Prejudice to you— what is it makes you negligent of Forms and careless of the world's opinion—why the consciousness of your Innocence—what makes you thoughtless in your Conduct and apt to run into a thousand little imprudences—why the consciousness of your Innocence—what makes you impatient of Sir Peter's temper, and outrageous at his suspicions— why the consciousness of your own Innocence— LADY TEAZLE.
'Tis very true. ”

“ So wills our virtuous bard—the motley Bayes Of crying epilogues and laughing plays! Old bachelors, who marry smart young wives, Learn from our play to regulate your lives: Each bring his dear to town, all faults upon her— London will prove the very source of honour. Plunged fairly in, like a cold bath it serves, When principles relax, to brace the nerves: Such is my case; and yet I must deplore That the gay dream of dissipation's o'er. ”

“ LADY SNEERWELL. I have no diffidence of your abilities—only be constant to one roguery at a time—
[Exit.]
SURFACE. I will—I will—So 'tis confounded hard after such bad Fortune, to be baited by one's confederate in evil—well at all events my character is so much better than Charles's, that I certainly—hey—what!—this is not Sir Oliver—but old Stanley again!—Plague on't that He should return to teaze me just now—I shall have Sir Oliver come and find him here—and——
Enter SIR OLIVER
Gad's life, Mr. Stanley—why have you come back to plague me at this time? you must not stay now upon my word! ”

“ SIR PETER. When an old Bachelor takes a young Wife—what is He to expect—'Tis now six months since Lady Teazle made me the happiest of men—and I have been the most miserable Dog ever since that ever committed wedlock. ”

“ LADY SNEERWELL. Because the Disappointment hasn't reached your HEART—your interest only attached you to Maria—had you felt for her—what I have for that ungrateful Libertine—neither your Temper nor Hypocrisy could prevent your showing the sharpness of your Vexation. ”