John Vanbrugh

“ Esop. Ah, but there our Comparison don't hold.
Oron. You are too merry to be much in Love.
Esop. And you too sad to be so long.
Oron. My grief may end my Days, so quench my Flame, but nothing else can e'er extinguish it.
Esop. Don't be discourag'd, Sir, I have seen many a Man outlive his Passion twenty Years.
Oron. But I have sworn to die Euphronia's Slave.
Esop. A decay'd Face always absolves a Lover's Oath.
Oron. Lovers whose Oaths are made to Faces, then; But 'tis Euphronia's Soul that I adore, which never can decay.
Esop. I wou'd fain see a young Fellow in love with a Soul of Threescore. ”

“ How, Strumpet! wou'd any Thing be able to debauch my Daughter?
Dor. Your Daughter! Yes, your Daughter, and myself into the Bargain: A Woman's but a Woman; and I'll lay a hundred Pound on Nature's side. Come, Sir, few Words dispatch Business. Let who will be the Wife of Esop, she's a Fool, or he's a Cuckold. But you'll never have a true Notion of this Matter, till you suppose yourself in your Daughter's Place. As thus: You are a pretty, soft, warm, wishing young Lady: I'm a straight, proper, handsome, vigorous, young Fellow. ”

“ Virtue?—Virtue, alas! is no more like the thing that's call'd so, than 'tis like Vice itself. Virtue consists in Goodness, Honour, Gratitude, Sincerity, and Pity; and not in peevish, snarling, strait-lac'd Chastity. True Virtue, wheresoever it moves, still carries an intrinsick Worth about it, and is in every Place, and in each Sex, of equal Value. So is not Continence, you see: That Phantom of Honour, which Men in every Age have so contemned, they have thrown it amongst the Women to scrabble for. ”

“ Exit Sir John.
Const. Farewel, Beast! And now, my dear Friend, would my Mistress be but as complaisant as some Men's Wives, who think it a piece of good Breeding to receive the Visits of their Husband's Friends in his Absence!
Heart. Why, for your sake I could forgive her, tho' she should be so complaisant to receive something else in his Absence. But what way shall we invent to see her?
Const. O, ne'er hope it: Invention will prove as vain as Wishes.
Enter Lady Brute and Belinda. ”

“ Don Guz.——'Tis impossible she can forgive me.
Jacin. Oons—Now Heaven forgive me, for I had a great Oath upon the very Tip of my Tongue; you'd make one mad with your Impossibles, and your Innocence, and your Humilities. 'Sdeath, Sir, do you think a Woman makes no Distinction between the Assaults of a Man she likes and one she don't? My Lady hates Don John, and if she thought 'twas he had done this Job, she'd hang him for't in her own Garters; she likes you, and if you shou'd do such another, you might still die in your Bed like a Bishop, for her.
Don Guz. Well, I'll dispute no farther. ”

“ What Hogs Men turn, Belinda, when they grow weary of Women!
Bel. And what Owls they are, whilst they are fond of 'em!
Lady Brute. But That we may forgive well enough, because they are so upon our accounts.
Bel. We ought to do so, indeed; but 'tis a hard matter. For when a Man is really in love, he looks so unsufferably silly, that tho' a Woman lik'd him well enough before, she has then much ado to endure the Sight of him: And this I take to be the Reason why Lovers are so generally ill-us'd.
Lady Brute. Well, I own, now, I'm well enough pleased to see a Man look like an Ass for me. ”

“ Dor. He marry you!
Euph. Am I in the wrong to be in this Despair? Tell me, Doris, if I am to blame.
Dor. To blame? No, by my troth. That ugly, old, treacherous piece of Vermin—that melancholy Mixture of Impotence and Desire—does his Mouth stand to a young Partridge? Ah the old Goat! And your Father! He downright doats at last, then.
Euph. Ah, Doris, what a Husband does he give me! And what a Lover does he rob me of! Thou know'st 'em both; think of Oronces, and think of Esop. ”

“ Well, now could I almost wish to see my cruel Mistress make the self-same Use of what Heaven has done for her, that so I might be cur'd of a Disease that makes me so very uneasy; for Love, Love is the Devil, Heartfree.
Heart. And why do you let the Devil govern you?
Const. Because I have more Flesh and Blood than Grace and Self-denial. My dear, dear Mistress! 'S death! that so genteel a Woman should be a Saint, when Religion's out of Fashion!
Heart. Nay, she's much in the wrong, truly; but who knows how far Time and good Example may prevail? ”

“ But there's some Comfort still; if one wou'd be reveng'd of him, these are good times; a Woman may have a Gallant, and a separate Maintenance too—The surly Puppy—yet he's a Fool for't: for hitherto he has been no Monster: But who knows how far he may provoke me? I never lov'd him, yet I have been ever true to him; and that, in spite of all the Attacks of Art and Nature upon a poor weak Woman's Heart, in favour of a tempting Lover. ”

“ Lory. Here comes a Head, Sir, would contrive it better than us both, if he wou'd but join in the Confederacy.
Enter Coupler.
Young Fash. By this Light, old Coupler alive still! Why, how now, Matchmaker, art thou here still to plague the World with Matrimony? You old Bawd, how have you the Impudence to be hobbling out of your Grave twenty Years after you are rotten!
Coup. When you begin to rot, Sirrah, you'll go off like a Pippin, one Winter will send you to the Devil. What Mischief brings you home again? Ha! You young lascivious Rogue, you: Let me put my Hand into your Bosom, Sirrah. ”

“ Shall I venture, Isabella?
Isab. You know best.
Enter Don Guzman.
Jacin. Marry, methinks he knows best of us all, for here he comes.
Don Guz. Forgive me, lovely Leonora; 'tis the last Time, perhaps, that I may beg your Pity. My Rival is not far off: Excess of Modesty is now our Ruin. Break through it, for this Moment you have left, and own, to your old Father, how you love. He once did so himself; our Scene of Sorrow may, perhaps, recall some small Remembrance of his tender Years, and melt him into Mercy. ”

“ Sir John. Disorders generally come from Indiscretion, Sir; 'tis no strange thing at all.
Lady Brute. I hope, my Dear, you are satisfied there was no wrong intended you.
Sir John. None, my Dove.
Bel. If not, I hope my Consent to marry Mr. Heartfree will convince you. For as little as I know of Amours, Sir, I can assure you, one Intrigue is enough to bring four People together, without further Mischief.
Sir John. And I know too, that Intrigues tend to Procreation of more kinds than one. One Intrigue will beget another, as soon as beget a Son or a Daughter. ”

“ When I prefer the Man I love to you.
Esop. How wise, how witty, and how cleanly, young Women grow, as soon as ever they are in love!
Euph. How foppish, how impertinent, and how nauseous are old Men, when they pretend to be so too!
Esop. How pert is Youth!
Euph. How dull is Age!
Esop. Why so sharp, young Lady?
Euph. Why so blunt, old Gentleman?
Esop. 'Tis enough; I'll to your Father, I know how to deal with him, though I don't know how to deal with you. ”

“ Esop. Because I see Men bred up to Ploughing and Hunting, understand the Business of the State and the Army.
Gent. I'm shot——I ha'n't one Word to say for myself——I never was so caught in my Life.
Esop. I perceive, Sir, by your Looks, what I have said has made some Impression upon you; and would, perhaps do more, if you wou'd give it leave. [Taking his Hand.] Come, Sir, tho' I am a Stranger to you, I can be your Friend; my Favour at Court does not hinder me from being a Lover of my Country. 'Tis my Nature, as well as Principle, to be pleas'd with the Prosperity of Mankind. ”

“ I have made you a Perriwig so long, and so full of Hair, it will serve you for a Hat and Cloak in all Weathers.
Lord Fop. Then thou hast made me thy Friend to Eternity: Come, comb it out.
Young Fash. Well, Lory, What do'st think on't? A very friendly Reception from a Brother after Three Years Absence!
Lory. Why, Sir, 'tis your own Fault; we seldom care for those that don't love what we love: if you wou'd creep into his Heart, you must enter into his Pleasures—Here you have stood ever since you came in, and have not commended any one thing that belongs to him. ”

“ Mankind's a Villain, and this may be true; yet 'tis too monstrous for a quick Conception. I shou'd be cautious how I wrong Don John. Sure 'tis not right to balance. I yet have but their Words against their Words; I know Don John for my Friend, and Guzman for my Rival. What can be clearer? Yet hold! If Leonora's innocent, she may untangle all. Madam, I shou'd be glad to know (if I have so much Interest left) which Way your Evidence will point my Sword. ”

“ Well, I am condemn'd, but, Thanks to Heaven, I feel myself each Moment more and more prepar'd for my Execution—Nay, to that degree, I don't perceive I have the least fear of Dying. No, I find, let the Executioner be but a Man, and there's nothing will suffer with more Resolution than a Woman. ”

“ Lady Brute. Don't answer him. [Aside.] Well, what do you advise me?
Bel. Why, really, I would not alter it at all. Methinks 'tis very pretty as it is.
Lady Brute. Ay, that's, true: But you know one grows weary of the prettiest things in the World, when one has had 'em long.
Sir John. Yes, I have taught her that.
Bel. Shall we provoke him a little?
Lady Brute. With all my Heart. Belinda, don't you long to be marry'd?
Bel. Why, there are some things in it I could like well enough.
Lady Brute. What do you think you shou'd dislike? ”

“ In short, thou art Fool enough not to be pleas'd with him.
Dor. Excuse me for that, Sir; I have Wit enough to make myself merry with him——
Lear. If his Body's deform'd, his Soul is beautiful: Would to kind Heaven, as he is, my Daughter cou'd but find the means to please him!
Euph. To what End, dear Father?
Lear. That he might be your Husband, dear Daughter.
Euph. My Husband! Shield me, kind Heaven——
Dor. Psha! he has a mind to make us laugh, that's all. ”

“ Why, I'll beg her not to tell it me.
Heart. Nay, if any thing does it, that will.
Const. But do you think, Sir——
Sir John. Oons, Sir, I think a Woman and a Secret are the two impertinentest Themes in the Universe: Therefore pray let's hear no more of my Wife, nor your Mistress. Damn 'em both with all my heart, and every thing else that daggles a Petticoat, except four generous Whores, with Betty Sands at the Head of 'em, who are drunk with my Lord Rake and I ten times in a Fortnight. ”

“ You have a peevish, positive, covetous, old Father, and he forces you to marry a little, lean, crooked, dry, sapless Husband. This Husband's gone abroad, you are left at home. I make you a Visit; find you all alone: the Servant pulls to the Door; the Devil comes in at the Window. I begin to wheedle, you begin to melt: you like my Person, and therefore believe all I say: so first I make you an Atheist, and then I make you a Whore. ”

“ Esop. Methinks, a Lady so extremely nice should be much at a Loss who to converse with.
Hort. I keep my Chamber, and converse with myself; 'tis better being alone, than to mis-ally one's Conversation: Men are scandalous, and Women are insipid: Discourse without Figure makes me sick at my Soul: O the Charms of a Metaphor! What Harmony there is in the Words of Erudition! The Musick of them is inimaginable.
Esop. Will you hear a Fable, Lady?
Hort. Willingly, Sir; the Apologue pleases me, when the Application of it is just.
Esop. It is, I'll answer for it. ”