John Vanbrugh

“ SCENE, Lady Fancyfull's House. Enter Lady Fancyfull and Madamoiselle.
Lady Fan. But, why did not you tell me before, Madamoiselle, that Rasor and you were fond?
Madam. De Modesty hinder me, Matam.
Lady Fan. Why, truly, Modesty does often hinder us from doing things we have an extravagant mind to. But does he love you well enough yet, to do any thing you bid him? Do you think, to oblige you, he wou'd speak Scandal?
Madam. Matam, to oblige your Ladyship, he shall speak Blasphemy.
Lady Fan. Why, then, Madamoiselle, I'll tell you what you shall do. ”

“ Enter Dick.
Dick. My dear Flippanta! how many thanks have I to pay thee?
Flip. Do you like her style?
Dick. The kindest little rogue! there's nothing but she gives me leave to hope. I am the happiest man the world has in its care.
Flip. Not so happy as you think for neither, perhaps; you have a rival, Sir, I can tell you that.
Dick. A rival!
Flip. Yes, and a dangerous one too.
Dick. Who in the name of terror?
Flip. A devilish fellow, one Mr. Amlet.
Dick. Amlet! I know no such man.
Flip. You know the man's mother tho'; you met her here, and are in her favour, I can tell you. ”

“ Esop. Ah, but there our Comparison don't hold.
Oron. You are too merry to be much in Love.
Esop. And you too sad to be so long.
Oron. My grief may end my Days, so quench my Flame, but nothing else can e'er extinguish it.
Esop. Don't be discourag'd, Sir, I have seen many a Man outlive his Passion twenty Years.
Oron. But I have sworn to die Euphronia's Slave.
Esop. A decay'd Face always absolves a Lover's Oath.
Oron. Lovers whose Oaths are made to Faces, then; But 'tis Euphronia's Soul that I adore, which never can decay.
Esop. I wou'd fain see a young Fellow in love with a Soul of Threescore. ”

“ Enter Lady Wronghead, Miss Jenny, and Count Basset.
Lady Wrong. Cousin! your servant; I hope you will pardon my rudeness: but we have really been in such a continual hurry here, that we have not had a leisure moment to return your last visit.
Man. O Madam! I am a man of no ceremony; you see that has not hindered my coming again.
Lady Wrong. You are infinitely obliging; but I'll redeem my credit with you.
Man. At your own time, Madam.
Count Bas. I must say that for Mr. Manly, madam; if making people easy is the rule of good-breeding, he is certainly the best bred man in the world. ”

“ Wou'd your kind Fate but guide your Hand to that, tho' I were wrapt in all that Luxury itself could clothe me with, I still shou'd envy you.
Heart. And justly, too; for to be capable of loving one, doubtless, is better than to possess a thousand. But how far that Capacity's in me, alas! I know not.
Const. But you wou'd know.
Heart. I wou'd so.
Const. Matrimony will inform you. Come, one Flight of Resolution carries you to the Land of Experience; where, in a very moderate time, you'll know the Capacity of your Soul and your Body both, or I'm mistaken. ”

“ I always know what I lack, but I am never pleas'd with what I have. The want of a thing is perplexing enough, but the possession of it is intolerable.
Flip. Well, I don't know what you are made of, but other women would think themselves blest in your case; handsome, witty, lov'd by every body, and of so happy a composure, to care a fig for nobody. You have no one passion, but that of your pleasures, and you have in me a servant devoted to all your desires, let them be as extravagant as they will: yet all this is nothing; you can still be out of humour. ”

“ How, Strumpet! wou'd any Thing be able to debauch my Daughter?
Dor. Your Daughter! Yes, your Daughter, and myself into the Bargain: A Woman's but a Woman; and I'll lay a hundred Pound on Nature's side. Come, Sir, few Words dispatch Business. Let who will be the Wife of Esop, she's a Fool, or he's a Cuckold. But you'll never have a true Notion of this Matter, till you suppose yourself in your Daughter's Place. As thus: You are a pretty, soft, warm, wishing young Lady: I'm a straight, proper, handsome, vigorous, young Fellow. ”

“ Come, Dick, here's Cousin Manly——Sir, this is your God-son.
Lady Wrong. Oh! here's my daughter too.
Enter Miss Jenny.
Squ. Rich. Honour'd Gudfeyther! I crave leave to ask your blessing.
Man. Thou hast it, Child——and if it will do thee any good, may it be to make thee, at least, as wise a man as thy father.
Lady Wrong. Miss Jenny! don't you see your cousin, Child?
Man. And for thee, my pretty Dear— [Salutes her.] may'st thou be, at least, as good a woman as thy mother.
Jenny. I wish I may ever be so handsome, Sir.
Man. Hah! Miss Pert! ”

“ Virtue?—Virtue, alas! is no more like the thing that's call'd so, than 'tis like Vice itself. Virtue consists in Goodness, Honour, Gratitude, Sincerity, and Pity; and not in peevish, snarling, strait-lac'd Chastity. True Virtue, wheresoever it moves, still carries an intrinsick Worth about it, and is in every Place, and in each Sex, of equal Value. So is not Continence, you see: That Phantom of Honour, which Men in every Age have so contemned, they have thrown it amongst the Women to scrabble for. ”

“ Now by my truth, neighbour, between the city and the court (with reverence be it spoken) there's not a —— to choose. My ladies in the city in times past, were as full of gold as they were of religion, and as punctual in their payments as they were of their prayers; but since they have set their minds upon quality, adieu one, adieu t'other, their money and their conscience are gone, heaven knows where. There is not a goldsmith's wife to be found in town, but's as hard-hearted as an ancient judge, and as poor as a towering dutchess. ”

“ Dor. He marry you!
Euph. Am I in the wrong to be in this Despair? Tell me, Doris, if I am to blame.
Dor. To blame? No, by my troth. That ugly, old, treacherous piece of Vermin—that melancholy Mixture of Impotence and Desire—does his Mouth stand to a young Partridge? Ah the old Goat! And your Father! He downright doats at last, then.
Euph. Ah, Doris, what a Husband does he give me! And what a Lover does he rob me of! Thou know'st 'em both; think of Oronces, and think of Esop. ”

“ Shall I venture, Isabella?
Isab. You know best.
Enter Don Guzman.
Jacin. Marry, methinks he knows best of us all, for here he comes.
Don Guz. Forgive me, lovely Leonora; 'tis the last Time, perhaps, that I may beg your Pity. My Rival is not far off: Excess of Modesty is now our Ruin. Break through it, for this Moment you have left, and own, to your old Father, how you love. He once did so himself; our Scene of Sorrow may, perhaps, recall some small Remembrance of his tender Years, and melt him into Mercy. ”

“ Brass. 'Tis your damn'd luck, not mine: I have always seen it in your ugly phiz, in spite of your powder'd perriwig——pox take ye——he'll be hang'd at last. Why don't you try to get her off yet?
Dick. I have no money, you dog; you know you have stript me of every penny.
Brass. Come, damn it. I'll venture one cargo more upon your rotten bottom: But if ever I see one glance of your hempen fortune again, I'm off of your partnership for ever——I shall never thrive with him.
Dick. An impudent rogue, but he's in possession of my estate, so I must bear with him. ”

“ Lory. Here comes a Head, Sir, would contrive it better than us both, if he wou'd but join in the Confederacy.
Enter Coupler.
Young Fash. By this Light, old Coupler alive still! Why, how now, Matchmaker, art thou here still to plague the World with Matrimony? You old Bawd, how have you the Impudence to be hobbling out of your Grave twenty Years after you are rotten!
Coup. When you begin to rot, Sirrah, you'll go off like a Pippin, one Winter will send you to the Devil. What Mischief brings you home again? Ha! You young lascivious Rogue, you: Let me put my Hand into your Bosom, Sirrah. ”

“ Oh Leonora! Leonora! A heart like mine should not be treated thus.
Leo. Carlos! Carlos! I have not deserv'd this usage.
Car. Barbarous Leonora! but 'tis useless to reproach you; she that is capable of what you have done, is form'd too cruel ever to repent of it. Go on then, tyrant; make your bliss compleat; torment me still, for still, alas! I love enough to be tormented.
Leo. Ah Carlos! little do you know the tender movements of that thing you name: the heart where love presides, admits no thoughts against the honour of its ruler. ”

“ Well, now could I almost wish to see my cruel Mistress make the self-same Use of what Heaven has done for her, that so I might be cur'd of a Disease that makes me so very uneasy; for Love, Love is the Devil, Heartfree.
Heart. And why do you let the Devil govern you?
Const. Because I have more Flesh and Blood than Grace and Self-denial. My dear, dear Mistress! 'S death! that so genteel a Woman should be a Saint, when Religion's out of Fashion!
Heart. Nay, she's much in the wrong, truly; but who knows how far Time and good Example may prevail? ”

“ Sir, d'ye hear? I have already try'd 'em with ten shillings, and not a rogue will prick up his ear at it. Tho' after all, for three hundred pounds all in glittering gold, I could set their chaps a watering. But where's that to be had with honour? there's the thing, Sir,——I'll go and call a coach.
Gripe. Hold, once more: I have a note in my closet of two hundred, ay——and fifty, I'll go and give it her myself.
Brass. You will; very genteel, truly. Go slap-dash, and offer a woman of her scruples, money! bolt in her face: Why, you might as well offer her a scorpion, and she'd as soon touch it. ”

“ Don Guz.——'Tis impossible she can forgive me.
Jacin. Oons—Now Heaven forgive me, for I had a great Oath upon the very Tip of my Tongue; you'd make one mad with your Impossibles, and your Innocence, and your Humilities. 'Sdeath, Sir, do you think a Woman makes no Distinction between the Assaults of a Man she likes and one she don't? My Lady hates Don John, and if she thought 'twas he had done this Job, she'd hang him for't in her own Garters; she likes you, and if you shou'd do such another, you might still die in your Bed like a Bishop, for her.
Don Guz. Well, I'll dispute no farther. ”

“ Again thy ignorance appears; alas, a lover who has broke his chain, will shun the tyrant that enslaved him. Indifference never is his lot; he loves or hates for ever; and if his mistress proves another's prize, he cannot calmly see her in his arms.
San. For my part, Master, I am not so great a philosopher as you be, nor (thank my stars) so bitter a lover, but what I see——that I generally believe; and when Jacinta tells me she loves me dearly, I have good thoughts enough of my person never to doubt the truth on't. See here the baggage comes.
Enter Jacinta with a letter.
Hist! Jacinta! my dear. ”

“ What Hogs Men turn, Belinda, when they grow weary of Women!
Bel. And what Owls they are, whilst they are fond of 'em!
Lady Brute. But That we may forgive well enough, because they are so upon our accounts.
Bel. We ought to do so, indeed; but 'tis a hard matter. For when a Man is really in love, he looks so unsufferably silly, that tho' a Woman lik'd him well enough before, she has then much ado to endure the Sight of him: And this I take to be the Reason why Lovers are so generally ill-us'd.
Lady Brute. Well, I own, now, I'm well enough pleased to see a Man look like an Ass for me. ”

“ Man. And so, my Lord, by giving her more power than was needful, she has none where she wants it; having such entire possession of you, she is not mistress of herself! And, mercy on us! how many fine womens heads have been turn'd upon the same occasion!
Lord Town. O Manly! 'tis too true! there's the source of my disquiet! she knows and has abused her power: Nay, I am still so weak (with shame I speak it) 'tis not an hour ago, that in the midst of my impatience—I gave her another bill for five hundred to throw away. ”

“ Exit Sir John.
Const. Farewel, Beast! And now, my dear Friend, would my Mistress be but as complaisant as some Men's Wives, who think it a piece of good Breeding to receive the Visits of their Husband's Friends in his Absence!
Heart. Why, for your sake I could forgive her, tho' she should be so complaisant to receive something else in his Absence. But what way shall we invent to see her?
Const. O, ne'er hope it: Invention will prove as vain as Wishes.
Enter Lady Brute and Belinda. ”

“ Mon. My best Flippanta—tell her—I'm all hers—tell her—my body's hers—tell her—my soul's hers—and tell her—my estate's hers. Lord have mercy upon me, how I'm in love!
Flip. Poor man! what a sweat he's in! But hark—I hear my master; for heaven's sake compose yourself a little; you are in such a fit, o' my conscience he'll smell you out.
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Mon. Ah dear, I'm in such an emotion, I dare not be seen; put me in this closet for a moment.
Flip. Closet, man! it's too little, your love wou'd stifle you. Go air yourself in the garden a little, you have need on't, i'faith. ”

“ Sir John. Disorders generally come from Indiscretion, Sir; 'tis no strange thing at all.
Lady Brute. I hope, my Dear, you are satisfied there was no wrong intended you.
Sir John. None, my Dove.
Bel. If not, I hope my Consent to marry Mr. Heartfree will convince you. For as little as I know of Amours, Sir, I can assure you, one Intrigue is enough to bring four People together, without further Mischief.
Sir John. And I know too, that Intrigues tend to Procreation of more kinds than one. One Intrigue will beget another, as soon as beget a Son or a Daughter. ”

“ I knew things would go well, and so they do, if folks would let 'em. But if ladies will be in their merriments, when gentlemen are upon serious business, why what a deuce can one say to 'em?
Leo. I see this fellow is to be an evidence in your plot; where you hope to drive, it is hard to guess; for if any thing can exceed its impudence, it is its folly. A noble stratagem indeed to win a lady by! I could be diverted with it, but that I see a face of villainy requires a rougher treatment; I could almost, methinks, forget my sex, and be my own avenger. ”

“ But there's some Comfort still; if one wou'd be reveng'd of him, these are good times; a Woman may have a Gallant, and a separate Maintenance too—The surly Puppy—yet he's a Fool for't: for hitherto he has been no Monster: But who knows how far he may provoke me? I never lov'd him, yet I have been ever true to him; and that, in spite of all the Attacks of Art and Nature upon a poor weak Woman's Heart, in favour of a tempting Lover. ”

“ The wanton does no more; if she conceals her shame, does less: And sure the dissolute avow'd, as sorely wrongs my honour, and my quiet.
Lady Town. I see, my Lord, what sort of wife might please you.
Lord Town. Ungrateful woman! could you have seen yourself, you in yourself had seen her——I am amaz'd our legislature has left no precedent of a divorce for this more visible injury, this adultery of the mind, as well as that of the person! when a woman's whole heart is alienated to pleasures I have no share in, what is't to me whether a black ace, or a powder'd coxcomb has possession of it? ”

“ Esop. Because I see Men bred up to Ploughing and Hunting, understand the Business of the State and the Army.
Gent. I'm shot——I ha'n't one Word to say for myself——I never was so caught in my Life.
Esop. I perceive, Sir, by your Looks, what I have said has made some Impression upon you; and would, perhaps do more, if you wou'd give it leave. [Taking his Hand.] Come, Sir, tho' I am a Stranger to you, I can be your Friend; my Favour at Court does not hinder me from being a Lover of my Country. 'Tis my Nature, as well as Principle, to be pleas'd with the Prosperity of Mankind. ”

“ Gripe. Why, I shall be hooted at, the boys will throw stones at my porter. Besides, where shall I have money for all this expence?
Clar. My dear, who asks you for any? Don't be in a fright, chicken.
Gripe. Don't be in a fright, Madam! But where I say——
Flip. Madam plays, Sir, think on that; women that play have inexhaustible mines, and wives who receive least money from their husbands, are many times those who spend the most.
Clar. So, my dear, let what Flippanta says content you. Go, my life, trouble yourself with nothing, but let me do just as I please, and all will be well. ”

“ Mankind's a Villain, and this may be true; yet 'tis too monstrous for a quick Conception. I shou'd be cautious how I wrong Don John. Sure 'tis not right to balance. I yet have but their Words against their Words; I know Don John for my Friend, and Guzman for my Rival. What can be clearer? Yet hold! If Leonora's innocent, she may untangle all. Madam, I shou'd be glad to know (if I have so much Interest left) which Way your Evidence will point my Sword. ”