John Vanbrugh

“ Enter Lady Wronghead, Miss Jenny, and Count Basset.
Lady Wrong. Cousin! your servant; I hope you will pardon my rudeness: but we have really been in such a continual hurry here, that we have not had a leisure moment to return your last visit.
Man. O Madam! I am a man of no ceremony; you see that has not hindered my coming again.
Lady Wrong. You are infinitely obliging; but I'll redeem my credit with you.
Man. At your own time, Madam.
Count Bas. I must say that for Mr. Manly, madam; if making people easy is the rule of good-breeding, he is certainly the best bred man in the world. ”

“ I always know what I lack, but I am never pleas'd with what I have. The want of a thing is perplexing enough, but the possession of it is intolerable.
Flip. Well, I don't know what you are made of, but other women would think themselves blest in your case; handsome, witty, lov'd by every body, and of so happy a composure, to care a fig for nobody. You have no one passion, but that of your pleasures, and you have in me a servant devoted to all your desires, let them be as extravagant as they will: yet all this is nothing; you can still be out of humour. ”

“ Come, Dick, here's Cousin Manly——Sir, this is your God-son.
Lady Wrong. Oh! here's my daughter too.
Enter Miss Jenny.
Squ. Rich. Honour'd Gudfeyther! I crave leave to ask your blessing.
Man. Thou hast it, Child——and if it will do thee any good, may it be to make thee, at least, as wise a man as thy father.
Lady Wrong. Miss Jenny! don't you see your cousin, Child?
Man. And for thee, my pretty Dear— [Salutes her.] may'st thou be, at least, as good a woman as thy mother.
Jenny. I wish I may ever be so handsome, Sir.
Man. Hah! Miss Pert! ”

“ Brass. 'Tis your damn'd luck, not mine: I have always seen it in your ugly phiz, in spite of your powder'd perriwig——pox take ye——he'll be hang'd at last. Why don't you try to get her off yet?
Dick. I have no money, you dog; you know you have stript me of every penny.
Brass. Come, damn it. I'll venture one cargo more upon your rotten bottom: But if ever I see one glance of your hempen fortune again, I'm off of your partnership for ever——I shall never thrive with him.
Dick. An impudent rogue, but he's in possession of my estate, so I must bear with him. ”

“ Again thy ignorance appears; alas, a lover who has broke his chain, will shun the tyrant that enslaved him. Indifference never is his lot; he loves or hates for ever; and if his mistress proves another's prize, he cannot calmly see her in his arms.
San. For my part, Master, I am not so great a philosopher as you be, nor (thank my stars) so bitter a lover, but what I see——that I generally believe; and when Jacinta tells me she loves me dearly, I have good thoughts enough of my person never to doubt the truth on't. See here the baggage comes.
Enter Jacinta with a letter.
Hist! Jacinta! my dear. ”

“ Oh Leonora! Leonora! A heart like mine should not be treated thus.
Leo. Carlos! Carlos! I have not deserv'd this usage.
Car. Barbarous Leonora! but 'tis useless to reproach you; she that is capable of what you have done, is form'd too cruel ever to repent of it. Go on then, tyrant; make your bliss compleat; torment me still, for still, alas! I love enough to be tormented.
Leo. Ah Carlos! little do you know the tender movements of that thing you name: the heart where love presides, admits no thoughts against the honour of its ruler. ”

“ Sir, d'ye hear? I have already try'd 'em with ten shillings, and not a rogue will prick up his ear at it. Tho' after all, for three hundred pounds all in glittering gold, I could set their chaps a watering. But where's that to be had with honour? there's the thing, Sir,——I'll go and call a coach.
Gripe. Hold, once more: I have a note in my closet of two hundred, ay——and fifty, I'll go and give it her myself.
Brass. You will; very genteel, truly. Go slap-dash, and offer a woman of her scruples, money! bolt in her face: Why, you might as well offer her a scorpion, and she'd as soon touch it. ”

“ Mon. My best Flippanta—tell her—I'm all hers—tell her—my body's hers—tell her—my soul's hers—and tell her—my estate's hers. Lord have mercy upon me, how I'm in love!
Flip. Poor man! what a sweat he's in! But hark—I hear my master; for heaven's sake compose yourself a little; you are in such a fit, o' my conscience he'll smell you out.
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Mon. Ah dear, I'm in such an emotion, I dare not be seen; put me in this closet for a moment.
Flip. Closet, man! it's too little, your love wou'd stifle you. Go air yourself in the garden a little, you have need on't, i'faith. ”

“ The wanton does no more; if she conceals her shame, does less: And sure the dissolute avow'd, as sorely wrongs my honour, and my quiet.
Lady Town. I see, my Lord, what sort of wife might please you.
Lord Town. Ungrateful woman! could you have seen yourself, you in yourself had seen her——I am amaz'd our legislature has left no precedent of a divorce for this more visible injury, this adultery of the mind, as well as that of the person! when a woman's whole heart is alienated to pleasures I have no share in, what is't to me whether a black ace, or a powder'd coxcomb has possession of it? ”

“ I knew things would go well, and so they do, if folks would let 'em. But if ladies will be in their merriments, when gentlemen are upon serious business, why what a deuce can one say to 'em?
Leo. I see this fellow is to be an evidence in your plot; where you hope to drive, it is hard to guess; for if any thing can exceed its impudence, it is its folly. A noble stratagem indeed to win a lady by! I could be diverted with it, but that I see a face of villainy requires a rougher treatment; I could almost, methinks, forget my sex, and be my own avenger. ”

“ Have a care, Madam; don't let me think you only value your chastity, to make me reproachable for not indulging you in every thing else, that's vicious——I, Madam, have a reputation too, to guard, that's dear to me, as yours——The follies of an ungovern'd wife may make the wisest man uneasy; but 'tis his own fault, if ever they make him contemptible.
Lady Town. My Lord——you would make a woman mad!
Lord Town. You'd make a man a fool.
Lady Town. If Heav'n has made you otherwise, that won't be in my power. ”

“ Gripe. Why, I shall be hooted at, the boys will throw stones at my porter. Besides, where shall I have money for all this expence?
Clar. My dear, who asks you for any? Don't be in a fright, chicken.
Gripe. Don't be in a fright, Madam! But where I say——
Flip. Madam plays, Sir, think on that; women that play have inexhaustible mines, and wives who receive least money from their husbands, are many times those who spend the most.
Clar. So, my dear, let what Flippanta says content you. Go, my life, trouble yourself with nothing, but let me do just as I please, and all will be well. ”

“ Man. That was happy, indeed! and a prudent Man, you know, should always take care that his Wife may have innocent company.
Sir Fran. Why ay! that's it! and I think there could not be such another.
Man. Why truly, for her purpose, I think not.
Sir Fran. Only naw and tan, he—he stonds a leetle too much upon ceremony; that's his fault.
Man. O never fear! he'll mend that every day——Mercy on us! what a head he has!
Sir Fran. So! here they come!
Enter Lady Wronghead, Count Basset, and Mrs. Motherly.
Lady Wrong. Cousin Manly! this is infinitely obliging! I am extremely glad to see you. ”

“ Now, with submission to my betters, I have another way, Sir, I'll drive my tyrant from my heart, and place myself in her throne. Yes; I will be lord of my own tenement, and keep my household in order. Wou'd you wou'd do so too, Master; for look you, I have been servitor in a college at Salamanca, and read philosophy with the doctors; where I found that a woman, in all times, has been observed to be an animal hard to understand, and much inclined to mischief. ”

“ Now by my truth, neighbour, between the city and the court (with reverence be it spoken) there's not a —— to choose. My ladies in the city in times past, were as full of gold as they were of religion, and as punctual in their payments as they were of their prayers; but since they have set their minds upon quality, adieu one, adieu t'other, their money and their conscience are gone, heaven knows where. There is not a goldsmith's wife to be found in town, but's as hard-hearted as an ancient judge, and as poor as a towering dutchess. ”

“ Man. And so, my Lord, by giving her more power than was needful, she has none where she wants it; having such entire possession of you, she is not mistress of herself! And, mercy on us! how many fine womens heads have been turn'd upon the same occasion!
Lord Town. O Manly! 'tis too true! there's the source of my disquiet! she knows and has abused her power: Nay, I am still so weak (with shame I speak it) 'tis not an hour ago, that in the midst of my impatience—I gave her another bill for five hundred to throw away. ”

“ Enter Carlos and Sancho.
Car. I Tell thee, I am satisfy'd, I'm in love enough to be suspicious of every body.
San. And yet methinks, Sir, you shou'd leave me out.
Car. It may be so; I can't tell: but I'm not at ease. If they don't make a knave, at least they will make a fool of thee.
San. I don't believe a word on't: but good faith, Master, your love makes somewhat of you; I don't know what 'tis; but methinks when you suspect me, you don't seem a man of half those parts I us'd to take you for. ”

“ What a passion the poor devil's in!
Lady Ara. Why truly one can't deny but he has some present cause to be a little in ill-humour, but when one has things of greater consequence on foot, one can't trouble one's self about making such creatures easy; so call for breakfast, Trusty, and set the hazard-table ready; if there comes no company I'll play a little by myself. ”

“ Gripe. Yes, truly, night into day, and day into night, bawdy-house play, that's her trade; but these are trifles: Has she not lost her diamond necklace? Answer me to that, Trapes.
Flip. Yes; and has sent as many tears after it, as if it had been her husband.
Gripe. Ah——the pox take her; but enough. 'Tis resolv'd, and I will put a stop to the course of her life, or I will put a stop to the course of her blood, and so she shall know, the first time I meet with her; [Aside.] which tho' we are man and wife, and lie under one roof, 'tis very possible may not be this fortnight. ”

“ Manly.
Man. As old, Madam, as Love, Honour, and Obey! When a woman will stop at nothing that's wrong, why should a man balance any thing that's right.
Lady Grace. Bless me, but this is fomenting things—
Man. Fomentations, Madam, are sometimes necessary to dispel rumours; tho' I don't directly advise my Lord to do this——This is only what, upon the same provocation, I would do myself. ”

“ Mrs. Barn. Husband, will you never change your humour? If you go on at this rate, it will be impossible to live with ye.
Mr. Barn. Very true; for in a little time I shall have nothing to live upon.
Mrs. Barn. Do you know what a ridiculous figure you make?
Mr. Barn. You'll make a great deal worse, when you han't money enough to pay for the washing of your shifts.
Mrs. Barn. It seems you married me only to dishonour me; how horrible this is!
Mr. Barn. I tell ye, you'll ruin me. Do you know how much money you spend in a year? ”

“ Dick. Why faith, Brass, I think thou art in the right on't; I must fix my affairs quickly, or Madam Fortune will be playing some of her bitch-tricks with me: therefore I'll tell thee what we'll do; we'll pursue this old rogue's daughter heartily; we'll cheat his family to purpose, and they shall atone for the rest of mankind. ”

“ Man. Then he is worth your knowing, I can tell you, Madam. His estate, if clear, I believe, might be a good two thousand pounds a year: Though as it was left him, saddled with two jointures, and two weighty mortgages upon it, there is no saying what it is——But that he might be sure never to mend it, he married a profuse young hussy, for love, without a penny of money! ”