John Vanbrugh

“ If all stories [205] about him are true, he had an ample share of the popular vices. He is said to have been killed by tumbling downstairs while drunk. His three plays are The Comical Revenge, or Love in a Tub (1664) , She Would if She Could (1668) , and The Man of Mode (1676) . They are more uneven than Wycherley’s, and at their worst are grosser; but they are clever, and can be lively and amusing.
3. Sir John Vanbrugh (1666–1726) . Vanbrugh’s career, though much of it is obscure, seems to have been a varied one, for at different times he was a soldier, a herald, and an architect. ”

“ Next of Vanbrugh's pieces appeared the ‘False Friend,’ produced at Drury Lane at the end of January 1702, and published in February without the author's name (London, 4to; ‘Friendship à la Mode: a Comedy of two acts altered from Sir John Vanbrugh,’ appeared at Dublin, 1766, 8vo) . ”

“ Sir, d'ye hear? I have already try'd 'em with ten shillings, and not a rogue will prick up his ear at it. Tho' after all, for three hundred pounds all in glittering gold, I could set their chaps a watering. But where's that to be had with honour? there's the thing, Sir,——I'll go and call a coach.
Gripe. Hold, once more: I have a note in my closet of two hundred, ay——and fifty, I'll go and give it her myself.
Brass. You will; very genteel, truly. Go slap-dash, and offer a woman of her scruples, money! bolt in her face: Why, you might as well offer her a scorpion, and she'd as soon touch it. ”

“ Enter Squire Humphry and Martilla.
Col. Your servant, Sir; you come in good time, the ladies are all going to the play, and wanted you to help to gallant them.
Squire Humph. And so 'twill be nine o'clock, before one shall get any supper.
Miss Betty. Supper! why your dinner is not out of your mouth yet, at least 'tis all about the brims of it. See how greasy his chops is, mother.
Lady Head. Nay, if he han't a mind to go, he need not. You may stay here 'till your father comes home from the parliament-house, and then you may eat a broil'd bone together. ”

“ Dear Loveless, I am overjoy'd to see you have brought your Family to Tawn again: [Pg 31] I am, stap my Vitals— [Aside.] For I design to lie with your Wife. [To Aman.] Far Gad's sake, Madam, haw has your Ladyship been able to subsist thus long, under the Fatigue of a Country Life?
Aman. My life has been very far from that, my Lord, it has been a very quiet one.
Lord Fop. Why that's the Fatigue I speak of, Madam: For 'tis impossible to be quiet, without thinking: Now thinking is to me the greatest Fatigue in the World.
Aman. Does not your Lordship love reading then? ”

“ Gripe. Why, I shall be hooted at, the boys will throw stones at my porter. Besides, where shall I have money for all this expence?
Clar. My dear, who asks you for any? Don't be in a fright, chicken.
Gripe. Don't be in a fright, Madam! But where I say——
Flip. Madam plays, Sir, think on that; women that play have inexhaustible mines, and wives who receive least money from their husbands, are many times those who spend the most.
Clar. So, my dear, let what Flippanta says content you. Go, my life, trouble yourself with nothing, but let me do just as I please, and all will be well. ”

“ He has a good Interest with your Father, and no Doubt will employ it to break the Heathenish Match he proposes to you. [To Esop.] Yes, Sir, my young Lady has been in love these two Years, and that with as pretty a Fellow as ever entered a Virgin's Heart; tall, strait, young, vigorous, good Clothes, long Perriwig, clean Linen; in brief, he has every thing that's necessary to set a young Lady a-longing, and to stay it when he has done: but her Father, whose Ambition makes him turn Fool in his old Age, comes with a back Stroke upon us, and spoils all our Sport. Wou'd you believe it, Sir? ”

“ Man. That was happy, indeed! and a prudent Man, you know, should always take care that his Wife may have innocent company.
Sir Fran. Why ay! that's it! and I think there could not be such another.
Man. Why truly, for her purpose, I think not.
Sir Fran. Only naw and tan, he—he stonds a leetle too much upon ceremony; that's his fault.
Man. O never fear! he'll mend that every day——Mercy on us! what a head he has!
Sir Fran. So! here they come!
Enter Lady Wronghead, Count Basset, and Mrs. Motherly.
Lady Wrong. Cousin Manly! this is infinitely obliging! I am extremely glad to see you. ”

“ I give thee up Jacinta; she's a slippery hussy, so master and I are going to match ourselves elsewhere.
Lop. But is it possible, Sir, your honour should be in earnest? I'm afraid you are pleased to be merry with your poor humble servant.
Car. I'm not at present much dispos'd to mirth, my indifference in this matter is not so thoroughly form'd; but my reason has so far master'd my passion, to shew me 'tis in vain to pursue a woman whose heart already is another's. 'Tis what I have so plainly seen of late, I have rous'd my resolution to my aid, and broke my chains for ever. ”

“ She will be extremely courteous to the fops who make love to her in jest, and she will be extremely grateful to those who do it in earnest. She will visit all ladies that will let her into their houses, and she will run in debt to all the shopkeepers that will let her into their books. In short, before her husband has got five pound by a speech at Westminster, she will have lost five hundred at cards and dice in the parish of St. James's. Wife and family to London with a pox! ”

“ Myr. Oh! when I like any body, 'tis not want of money will make me refuse them.
Squ. Rich. Well, that's just my mind now; for 'an I like a girl, Miss, I would take her in her smuck.
Myr. Ay, Master, now you speak like a man of honour: this shews something of a true heart in you.
Squ. Rich. Ay, and a true heart you'll find me; try me when you will.
Myr. Hush! hush! here's your papa come home, and my aunt with him.
Squ. Rich. A devil rive 'em, what do they come naw for?
Myr. When you and I get to the masquerade, you shall see what I'll say to you. ”

“ Don Guz.——'Tis impossible she can forgive me.
Jacin. Oons—Now Heaven forgive me, for I had a great Oath upon the very Tip of my Tongue; you'd make one mad with your Impossibles, and your Innocence, and your Humilities. 'Sdeath, Sir, do you think a Woman makes no Distinction between the Assaults of a Man she likes and one she don't? My Lady hates Don John, and if she thought 'twas he had done this Job, she'd hang him for't in her own Garters; she likes you, and if you shou'd do such another, you might still die in your Bed like a Bishop, for her.
Don Guz. Well, I'll dispute no farther. ”

“ Lop. If he does, I'll be hang'd; he's a damn'd passionate fellow, and cares not what mischief he does.
Lor. I shall give him a very good opportunity: for I'll have no other guards about me but you, Sir. So come along.
Lop. Why, Sir, this is the sin of presumption; setting heaven at defiance, making a Jack-pudding of a blunderbuss.
Lor. No more, but follow. Hold! turn this way; I see Camillo there. I wou'd avoid him, 'till I see what part he takes in this odd affair of his sister's. For I wou'd not have the quarrel fix'd with him, if it be possible to avoid it. ”

“ Sir John. Six to four you had been in the wrong there again; for what I lik'd yesterday I don't like to-day; and what I like to-day, 'tis odds I mayn't like to-morrow.
Lady Brute. But if I had ask'd you what you lik'd?
Sir John. Why then there wou'd have been more asking about it than the thing was worth.
Lady Brute. I wish I did but know how I might please you.
Sir John. Ay, but that sort of Knowledge is not a Wife's Talent.
Lady Brute. Whate'er my Talent is, I'm sure my Will has ever been to make you easy.
Sir John. If Women were to have their Wills, the World wou'd be finely govern'd. ”

“ Jacin. One who's never well but when she sees you, I think; 'twas my Lady.
Car. Dear Jacinta, I fain would flatter myself, but am not able; the blessing's too great to be my lot: yet 'tis not well to trifle with me; how short soe'er I am in other merit, the tenderness I have for Leonora claims something from her generosity. I should not be deluded.
Jacin. And why do you think you are? methinks she's pretty well above board with you: what must be done more to satisfy you?
San. Why Lorenzo must hang himself, and then we are content.
Jacin. How! Lorenzo?
San. If less will do, he'll tell you. ”

“ Madamoiselle.
Madam. Dou no love me.
Rasor. Not love thee?—More than a Frenchman does Soup.
Madam. Den dou will refuse nothing dat I bid dee?
Rasor. Don't bid me be damn'd, then.
Madam. No, only tell dy Master all I have tell dee of dy Laty.
Rasor. Why, you little, malicious Strumpet, you, shou'd you like to be serv'd so?
Madam. Dou dispute den?—Adieu.
Rasor. Hold—But why wilt thou make me such a Rogue, my Dear?
Madam. Voila un vrai Anglois! Il est amoureux, et cependant il veut raisonner. Va t'en au Diable.
Rasor. Hold once more: In hopes thou'lt give me up thy Body, I resign thee my Soul. ”

“ Sir John. Sir, you have it with all my Heart: Damn me if you han't. [Aside.] 'Tis time to get rid of her: A young, pert Pimp; she'll make an incomparable Bawd in a little time.
Enter a Servant, who gives Heartfree a Letter.
Bel. Heartfree your Husband, say you? 'Tis impossible.
Lady Fan. Wou'd to kind Heaven it were! But 'tis too true; and in the World there lives not such a Wretch. I'm young; and either I have been flatter'd by my Friends, as well as Glass, or Nature has been kind and generous to me. ”

“ A Million to one, but she has the same Opinion of you. What wou'd you give to see her?
Aman. Hang her, dirty Trull; tho' I really believe she's so ugly, she'd cure me of my Jealousy.
Ber. All the Men of Sense about Town say she's handsome.
Aman. They are as often out in those things as any People.
Ber. Then I'll give you further Proof——all the Women about Town say, she's a Fool: Now I hope you are convinc'd?
Aman. Whate'er she be, I'm satisfy'd he does not like her well enough to bestow any thing more than a little outward Gallantry upon her. ”

“ Ber. Why, I infer, that you being the Woman in the World the most to his Humour, 'tis not likely he would quit you for one that is less.
Aman. That is not to be depended upon, for you see Mr. Loveless does so.
Ber. What does Mr. Loveless do?
Aman. Why, he runs after something for Variety, I'm sure he does not like so well as he does me.
Ber. That's more than you know, Madam.
Aman. No, I'm sure on't: I am not very vain, Berinthia; and yet I'll lay my Life, if I could look into his Heart, he thinks I deserve to be prefer'd to a thousand of her. ”

“ O! you wicked thing! how can you teize one at this rate? when you know he is so very sober, that (except giving me money) there is not one thing in the world he can do to please me! And I at the same time, partly by nature, and partly, perhaps, by keeping the best company, do with my soul love almost every thing he hates! I dote upon assemblies! my heart bounds at a ball; and at an Opera——I expire! then I love play to distraction! Cards inchant me! and Dice—put me out of my little wits! Dear! dear Hazard! [Pg 289] oh! what a flow of spirits it gives one! do you never play at hazard, child? ”

“ Squ. Rich. Feyther an you doan't come quickly, the meat will be coal'd: and I'd fain pick a bit with you.
Lady Wrong. Bless me, Sir Francis! you are not going to sup by yourself!
Sir Fran. No, but I am going to dine by myself, and that's pretty near the matter, Madam.
Lady Wrong. Had not you as good stay a little, my dear? we shall all eat in half an hour; and I was thinking to ask my cousin Manly to take a family morsel with us.
Sir Fran. Nay, for my cousin's good company, I don't care if I ride a day's journey without baiting.
Man. By no means, Sir Francis. I am going upon a little business. ”

“ These, I suppose, are what they call sharpers in this country.
Squire Humph. It was a rare good pye.
Cook. As e'er these hands put pepper to.
Lady Head. Pray, Mrs. Motherly, do they make a practice of these things often here?
Mrs. Moth. Madam, they'll twitch a rump of beef out of a boiling copper: and for a silver tankard, they make no more conscience of than if it were a Tunbridge sugar box.
Sir Fran. I wish the coach and horses, George, were safe got to the inn. Do you and Roger take special care that nobody runs away with them, as you go thither. ”

“ If he had not been more modest than wise, he might have set such a Mark upon the Goods before now, that ne'er a Merchant of 'em all wou'd have bought 'em out of his Hands. But young Fellows are always in the wrong: Either so impudent they are nauseous, or so modest they are useless. Go; pray get you gone together.
Euph. But if my Father catch us, we are ruin'd.
Dor. By my Conscience, this Love will make us all turn Fools. Before your Father can open the Door, can't he slip down the Back-stairs? I'm sure he may, if you don't hold him ”

“ Exit Sir John.
Const. Here's a dainty Fellow for you! And the veriest Coward too. But his Usage of his Wife makes me ready to stab the Villain.
Heart. Lovers are short-sighted: All their Senses run into that of Feeling. This Proceeding of his is the only thing on Earth can make your Fortune. If any thing can prevail with her to accept of a Gallant, 'tis his ill Usage of her; for Women will do more for Revenge, than they'll do for the Gospel. Pr'ythee, take heart, I have great hopes for you: And since I can't bring you quite off of her, I'll endeavour to bring you quite on ”