Aphra Behn

“ When shall I be weary of railing on Fortune, who is resolv’d never to turn with Smiles upon me?—Two such Defeats in one Night—none but the Devil and that mad Rogue could have contriv’d to have plagued me with—I am here a Prisoner—but where?—Heaven knows—and if there be Murder done, I can soon decide the Fate of a Stranger in a Nation without Mercy—Yet this is nothing to the Torture my Soul bows with, when I think of losing my fair, my dear Florinda.—Hark—my Door opens—a Light—a Man—and seems of Quality—arm’d too.—Now shall I die like a Dog without defence. ”

“ Yes, Ariadne.
206
Aria. Beaumond!
Beau. Oh what a World of Time have I mispent for want of being a Blockhead—’Sdeath and Hell,
Wou’d I had been some brawny ruffling Fool,
Some forward impudent unthinking Sloven,
A Woman’s Tool; for all besides unmanageable.
Come, swear that all this while you thought ’twas I.
The Devil has taught ye Tricks to bring your Falshood off.
Aria. Know ’twas you! no, Faith, I took you for as errant a right-down Captain as ever Woman wisht for; and ’twas uncivil egad, to undeceive me, I tell you that now.
Enter Willmore and La Nuche by dark. ”

“ Lov. Yes, a trivial Estate of some five and twenty hundred Pound a Year: but I hope to see that Rogue of a Lord reduc’d to his Cobler’s-Stall again, or more deserv’dly hang’d, that has it.
L. Lam. I thought ’twas some such Grievance—but you must keep a good Tongue in your Head, lest you be hang’d for Scandalum Magnatum—there’s Law for ye, Sir.
Lov. No matter, then I shall be free from a damn’d Commonwealth, as you are pleas’d to call it, when indeed ’tis but a mungrel, mangy, Mock-Monarchy.
L. Lam. Is it your business, Sir, to rail?
Lov. You rais’d the Devil, Madam. ”

“ I’ve no Defence against Antonio’s Love,
For he has all the Advantages of Nature,
The moving Arguments of Youth and Fortune.
Hell. But hark you, Callis, you will not be so cruel to lock me up indeed: will you?
Call. I must obey the Commands I hate—besides, do you consider what a Life you are going to lead?
Hell. Yes, Callis, that of a Nun: and till then I’ll be indebted a World of Prayers to you, if you let me now see, what I never did, the Divertisements of a Carnival.
Call. What, go in Masquerade? ’twill be a fine farewell to the World I take it—pray what wou’d you do there? ”

“ Ambrosio calls Marcel aside.
Alon. How, his Sister! Fool that I was, I could not guess at this; and now have I been lying and swearing all this while how much I lov’d her. Well, take one time with another, a Man falls into more Danger by this amorous Humour, than he gets good turns by it.
Mar. Pardon me, Sir, I knew not you had design’d her elsewhere—Dear Alonzo, my Father—
Alon. Ay, Sir, I am much oblig’d to him. Oh Pox, would I were well with Euphemia. ”

“ I’ll marry none whose Person and Courage shall not bear some Proportion to mine.
Feth. Your Mightiness I fear will die a Maid then.
Giant. I doubt you’ll scarce secure me from that Fear, who court my Fortune, not my Beauty.
Feth. Hu, how scornful she is, I’ll warrant you—why I must confess, your Person is something heroical and masculine, but I protest to your Highness, I love and honour ye.
Dwarf. Prithee, Sister, be not so coy, I like my Lover well enough; and if Seignior Mountebank keep his Word in making us of reasonable Proportions, I think the Gentlemen may serve for Husbands. ”

“ What, you would have a Mistress like a Squirrel in a Cage, always in Action—one who is as free of her Favours as I am sparing of mine—Well, Captain, I have known the time when La Nuche was such a Wit, such a Humour, such a Shape, and such a Voice, (tho to say Truth I sing but scurvily) ’twas Comedy to see and hear me.
Will. Why, yes Faith for once thou wert, and for once mayst be again, till thou know’st thy Man, and knowest him to be poor. ”

“ Death, who wou’d marry, who wou’d be chaffer’d thus, and sold to Slavery? I’d rather buy a Friend at any Price that I could love and trust.
Beau. Ay, could we but drive on such a Bargain.
Aria. You should not be the Man; You have a Mistress, Sir, that has your Heart, and all your softer Hours: I know’t, and if I were so wretched as to marry thee, must see my Fortune lavisht out on her; her Coaches, Dress, and Equipage exceed mine by far: Possess she all the day thy Hours of Mirth, good Humour and Expence, thy Smiles, thy Kisses, and thy Charms of Wit. ”

“ Will. Hold, prithee hold.
La Nu. Put up your Sword, this Lady’s innocent, at least in what concerns this Evening’s business; I own—with Pride I own I am the Woman that pleas’d so well to Night.
Will. La Nuche! kind Soul to bring me off with so handsom a lye: How lucky ’twas she happen’d to be here!
Beau. False as thou art, why shou’d I credit thee?
La Nu. By Heaven, ’tis true, I will not lose the glory on’t. ”

“ Will. A wandering Lover that has lost his Heart, and I have shreud Guess ’tis in thy dear Bosom, Child.
La Nu. Oh you’re a pretty Lover, a Woman’s like to have a sweet time on’t, if you’re always so tedious.
Will. By yon bright Star-light, Child, I walk’d here in short turns like a Centinel, all this live-long Evening, and was just going (Gad forgive me) to kill my self.
La Nu. I rather think some Beauty has detain’d you: Have you not seen La Nuche? ”

“ May you become the great Example of Loyalty and Obedience, and stand a firm and unmoveable Pillar to Monarchy, a Noble Bullwark to Majesty; defend the Sacred Cause, imploy all that Youth, Courage, and Noble Conduct which God and Nature purposely has endued you with, to serve the Royal Interest: You, Sir, who are obliged by a double Duty to Love, Honour, and Obey his Majesty, both as a Father and a King! ”

“ But suppose now, dear Loveless, that one of the Wives of these Pageant Lords should fall in love with thee, and get thy Estate again, or pay the double for’t?
Lov. I wou’d refuse it.
Free. And this for a little dissembl’d Love, a little Drudgery—
Lov. Not a Night, by Heaven—not an Hour—no, not a single Kiss. I’d rather make love to an Incubus.
Free. But suppose ’twere the new Protectress her self, the fine Lady Lambert?
Lov. The greatest Devil of all; damn her, do’st think I’ll cuckold the Ghost of old Oliver?
Free. The better; There’s some Revenge in’t; do’st know her? ”

“ I should have guest the first by your pertness; for your saucy thing of Quality acts the Man as impudently at fourteen, as another at thirty: nor is there any thing so hateful as to hear it talk of Love, Women and Drinking; nay, to see it marry too at that Age, and get itself a Play-fellow in its Son and Heir.
Aria. This Satyr on my Youth shall never put me out of countenance, or make me think you wish me one day older; and egad, I’ll warrant them that tries me, shall find me ne’er an hour too young.
La Nu. You mistake my Humour, I hate the Person of a fair conceited Boy. ”

“ Will. Oh! you’re a fine Lady of your word, are you not? to make a Man languish a whole day—
Hell. In tedious search of me.
47
Will. Egad, Child, thou’rt in the right, hadst thou seen what a melancholy Dog I have been ever since I was a Lover, how I have walkt the Streets like a Capuchin, with my Hands in my Sleeves—Faith, Sweetheart, thou wouldst pity me.
Hell. Now, if I should be hang’d, I can’t be angry with him, he dissembles so heartily—Alas, good Captain, what pains you have taken—Now were I ungrateful not to reward so true a Servant.
Will. Poor Soul! ”

“ Nay, if we part so, let me die like a Bird upon a Bough, at the Sheriff’s Charge. By Heaven, both the Indies shall not buy thee from me. I adore thy Humour and will marry thee, and we are so of one Humour, it must be a Bargain—give me thy Hand— [Kisses her hand.]
And now let the blind ones (Love and Fortune) do their worst. ”

“ Will. Ay, such a Fool I was in my dull Days of Constancy, but I am now for Change, (and should I pay as often,’twould undo me) —for Change, my Dear, of Place, Clothes, Wine, and Women. Variety is the Soul of Pleasure, a Good unknown; and we want Faith to find it.
Beau. Thou wouldst renounce that fond Opinion, Willmore, didst thou see a Beauty here in Town, whose Charms have Power to fix inconstant Nature or Fortune were she tottering on her Wheel. ”

“ Prithee, sweet Youth, talk on, thou may’st perhaps
Raise here a Storm that may undo my Passion,
And then I’ll grant thee any thing.
Hell. Madam,’tis to intreat you, (oh unreasonable!)
You wou’d not see this Stranger;
74
For if you do, she vows you are undone,
Tho Nature never made a Man so excellent;
And sure he’ad been a God, but for Inconstancy.
Will. Ah, Rogue, how finely he’s instructed! [Aside.] —’Tis plain some Woman that has seen me en passant.
Ang. Oh, I shall burst with Jealousy! do you know the Man you speak of?—
Hell. Yes, Madam, he us’d to be in Buff and Scarlet. ”

“ Do you not daily see fine Clothes, rich Furniture, Jewels and Plate are more inviting than Beauty unadorn’d? be old, diseas’d, deform’d, be any thing, so you be rich and splendidly attended, you’ll find your self lov’d and ador’d by all—But I’m an old fool still—Well, Petronella, had’st thou been half as industrious in thy Youth as in thy Age—thou hadst not come to this. ”

“ But when I’ve worn out all my Youth and Beauty, and suffer’d every ill of Poverty, I shall be compell’d to begin the World again without a Stock to set up with. No faith, I’m for a substantial Merchant in Love, who can repay the loss of Time and Beauty; with whom to make one thriving Voyage sets me up for ever, and I need never put to Sea again. ”

“ Luc. And reason, Madam: in a lawful way ’tis your due.
Aria. What all? unconscionable Lucia! I am more merciful; but be he what he will, I’ll to this cunning Man, to know whether ever any part of him shall be mine.
Luc. Lord, Madam, sure he’s a Conjurer.
150
Aria. Let him be the Devil, I’ll try his Skill, and to that end will put on a Suit of my Cousin Endymion; there are two or three very pretty ones of his in the Wardrobe, go carry ’em to my Chamber, and we’ll fit our selves and away—Go haste whilst I undress. ”

“ Name not those Words, they grate my Ears like Jointure, that dull conjugal Cant that frights the generous Lover. Rate—Death, let the old Dotards talk of Rates, and pay it t’atone for the Defects of Impotence. Let the sly Statesman, who jilts the Commonwealth with his grave Politicks, pay for the Sin, that he may doat in secret; let the brisk Fool inch out his scanted Sense with a large Purse more eloquent than he: But tell not me of Rates, who bring a Heart, Youth, Vigor, and a Tongue to sing the Praise of every single Pleasure thou shalt give me. ”

“ Only good luck, Child, parlous good luck—Come hither,—’tis a delicate shining Wench,—by this Hand she’s perfum’d, and smells like any Nosegay.—Prithee, dear Soul, let’s not play the Fool, and lose time,—precious time—for as Gad shall save me, I’m as honest a Fellow as breathes, tho I am a little disguis’d at present.—Come, I say,—why, thou may’st be free with me, I’ll be very secret. ”

“ If she be young and handsom.
Hell. Ay, there’s it—but if she be not—
Will. By this Hand, Child, I have an implicit Faith, and dare venture on thee with all Faults—besides, ’tis more meritorious to leave the World when thou hast tasted and prov’d the Pleasure on’t; then ’twill be a Virtue in thee, which now will be pure Ignorance.
Hell. I perceive, good Father Captain, you design only to make me fit for Heaven—but if on the contrary you should quite divert me from it, and bring me back to the World again, I should have a new Man to seek I find ”

“ Ana. Full ill, I fear; ’tis a bad Omen to see your Lordship so nigh Heaven; when the Saints are Garretified.
Fleet. I am fortifying my self against the Evil-Day.
Ana. Which is come upon us like a Thief in the night; like a Torrent from the Mountain of Waters, or a Whirlwind from the Wilderness.
Fleet. Why, what has the Scotch General done?
Ana. Ah! he playeth the Devil with the Saints in the City, because they put the Covenant-Oath unto him; he pulls up their Gates, their Posts and Chains, and enters.
Felt. And wou’d the wicked City let him have his beastly Will of her? ”

“ Enter Willmore alone.
Will. A Pox upon this Woman that has jilted me, and I for being a fond believing Puppy to be in earnest with so great a Devil. Where be these Coxcombs too? this Blunt and Fetherfool? when a Man needs ’em not, they are plaguing him with their unseasonable Jests—could I but light on them, I would be very drunk to night—but first I’ll try my Fortune with this Woman—let me see—hereabouts is the Door. ”

“ Free. With all my Heart, Honour’s a poor Excuse. 389 Your Heart and Vows (your better part) are mine; you’ve only lent your Body out to one whom you call Husband, and whom Heaven has mark’d for Cuckoldom. Nay, ’tis an Act of honest Loyalty, so to revenge our Cause; whilst you were only mine, my honest Love thought it a Sin to press these Favours from you; ’twas injuring my self as well as thee; but now we only give and take our Right.
L. Des. No more, my Husband’s old—
Free. Right, my dear Maria, and therefore—
L. Des. —May possibly die—
Free. He will be hang’d first. ”

“ Aria. How now, Seignior Operator, where’s this renowned Man of Arts and Sciences, this Don of Wonders?—hah! may a Man have a Pistole’s Worth or two of his Tricks? will he shew, Seignior?
Shift. Whatever you dare see, Sir.
Aria. And I dare see the greatest Bug-bear he can conjure up, my Mistress’s Face in a Glass excepted.
Shift. That he can shew, Sir, but is now busied in weighty Affairs with a Grandee.
Aria. Pox, must we wait the Leisure of formal Grandees and Statesmen—ha, who’s this?—the lovely Conqueress of my Heart, La Nuche. ”

“ Transformatio—Why, wert thou not born a Man?
Harl. No, Seignior, un vieule Femme.
Feth. How, born an old Woman?
Blunt. Good Lord! born an old Woman! And so by transformation became invulnerable.
Feth. Ay—in—invulnerable—what would I give to be invulnerable? and egad, I am almost weary of being a Man, and subject to beating: wou’d I were a Woman, a Man has but an ill time on’t: if he has a mind to a Wench, the making Love is so plaguy tedious—then paying is to my Soul insupportable. ”