George Colman the Elder

“ Sir John. It has always been my ambition to merit the best opinion from Mrs. Heidelberg; and when she comes to weigh all circumstances, I flatter myself——
Mrs. Heidel. You do flatter yourself, if you imagine that I can approve of your behaviour to my niece, Sir John.—And give me leave to tell you, Sir John, that you have been drawn into an action much beneath you, Sir John; and that I look upon every injury offered to Miss Betty Sterling, as an affront to myself, Sir John. ”

“ Fanny. Have a care! Betty.
Betty. Lord! I'm bewitched, I think.—But as I was a saying, Ma'am, here's Mr. Lovewell just come from London.
Fanny. Indeed!
Betty. Yes, indeed, and indeed, Ma'am, he is. I saw him crossing the court-yard in his boots.
Fanny. I am glad to hear it.—But pray now, my dear Betty, be cautious. Don't mention that word again on any account. You know, we have agreed never to drop any expressions of that sort for fear of an accident.
Betty. Dear Ma'am, you may depend upon me. There is not a more trustier creature on the face of the earth, than I am. ”

“ Fanny alone.
How unhappy I am! my distresses multiply upon me.—Mr. Lovewell must now become acquainted with Sir John's behaviour to me—and in a manner that may add to his uneasiness.—My father, instead of being disposed by fortunate circumstances to forgive any transgression, will be previously incensed against me.—My sister and my aunt will become irreconcilably my enemies, and rejoice in my disgrace.—Yet, at all events, I am determined on a discovery. I dread it, and am resolved to hasten it. It is surrounded with more horrors every instant, as it appears every instant more necessary. ”

“ Sir John. I would not offend you for the world, Madam! but when I am influenced by a partiality for another, however ill-founded, I hope your discernment and good sense will think it rather a point of honour to renounce engagements, which I could not fulfil so strictly as I ought; and that you will excuse the change in my inclinations, since the new object, as well as the first, has the honour of being your niece, Madam.
Mrs. Heidel. I disclaim her as a niece, Sir John; Miss Sterling disclaims her as a sister, and the whole fammaly must disclaim her, for her monstrus baseness and treachery. ”

“ But, my dear Madam, a moment is an age, in my situation. I am sure my sister has been plotting my disgrace and ruin in that chamber—O she's all craft and wickedness!
Mrs. Heidel. Well, but softly, Betsey!—you are all in emotion—your mind is too much flustrated—you can neither eat nor drink, nor take your natural rest—compose yourself, child; for if we are not as warysome as they are wicked, we shall difgrace ourselves and the whole fammaly.
Miss Sterl. We are disgrac'd already, Madam—Sir John Melvil has forsaken me; my Lord cares for nobody but himself ”

“ Nay, now, my dear Miss Sterling, your passion transports you too far. Sir John may have entertained a passion for Msls Fanny, but believe me, my dear Miss Sterling, believe me, Miss Fanny has no passion for Sir John. She has a passion, indeed, a most tender passion. She has opened her whole soul to me, and I know where her affections are placed. ”

“ My sister Fanny. She seems a much greater favourite than I am, and he pays her infinitely more attention, I assure you.
Mrs. Heidel. Lord! d'ye think a man of fashion, as he is, can't distinguish between the genteel and the wulgar part of the famaly?—Between you and your sister, for instance—or me and my brother?—Be advised by me, child! It is all politeness and good-breeding.—Nobody knows the qualaty better than I do.
Miss Sterl. In my mind the old lord, his uncle, has ten times more gallantry about him than Sir John. ”

“ Lord Ogle. For my part, I indulge my own passions too much to tyrannize over those of other people. Poor souls, I pity them. And you must forgive them too. Come, come, melt a little of your flint, Mr. Sterling!
Sterl. Why, why—as to that, my Lord—to be sure he is a relation of yours my Lord—what say you, sister Heidelberg?
Mrs. Heidel. The girl's ruined, and I forgive her.
Sterl. Well—so do I then.—Nay, no thanks— [to Lovewell and Fanny, who seem preparing to speak] there's an end of the matter.
Lord Ogle. But, Lovewell, what makes you dumb all this while? ”

“ But has your Lordship considered the consequences of your resolution?
Lord Ogle. No, Sir; I am above consideration, when my desires are kindled.
Lovew. But consider the consequences, my Lord, to your nephew, Sir John.
Lord Ogle. Sir John has considered no consequences himself, Mr. Lovewell.
Lovew. Mr. Sterling, my Lord, will certainly refuse his daughter to Sir John.
Lord Ogle. Sir John has already refused Mr. Sterling's daughter. ”

“ Money, money, that's the stuff that makes the great man in this country.
Lovew. Very true, Sir!
Sterl. True, Sir?—Why then have done with your nonsense of love and matrimony. You're not rich enough to think of a wife yet. A man of business shou'd mind nothing but his business.—Where are these fellows? John! Thomas! [calling.] —Get an estate, and a wife will follow of course.——Ah! Lovewell! an English merchant is the most respectable character in the universe. 'Slife, man, a rich English merchant may make himself a match for the daughter of a Nabob.—Where are all my rascals? ”

“ Nay, that you shall tell my father and aunt, Madam.
Betty. I am no tell-tale, Madam, and no thief; they'll get nothing from me.
Miss Sterl. You have a great deal of courage, Betty; and considering the secrets you have to keep, you have occasion for it.
Betty. My mistress shall never repent her good opinion of me, Ma'am.
Enter Sterling. ”

“ And I warrant you that by this time he has made proposals to him to marry my sister—Oh, that some other person, an earl, or a duke, would make his addresses to me, that I might be revenged on this monster!
Mrs. Heidel. Be cool, child! you shall be Lady Melvil, in spite of all their caballins, if it costs me ten thousand pounds to turn the scale. Sir John may apply to my brother, indeed; but I'll make them all know who governs in this fammaly.
Miss Sterl. As I live, Madam, yonder comes Sir John. A base man! I can't endure the sight of him. ”

“ Mrs. Heidel. Why the brazen slut! has she got her sister's husband (that is to be) lock'd up in her chamber! at night too?—I tremble at the thoughts!
Miss Sterl. Hush, Madam! I hear something.
Mrs. Heidel. You frighten me—let me put on my fly cap—I would not be seen in this figur for the world.
Miss Sterl. 'Tis dark, Madam; you can't be seen.
Mrs. Heidel. I protest there's a candle coming, and a man too.
Miss Sterl. Nothing but servants; let us retire a moment! ”

“ The outward door is lock'd?
Betty. Yes; and I bolted it too, for fear of the worst.
Fanny. Why did you? they must have heard you, if they were near.
Betty. And I did it on purpose, Madam, and cough'd a little too, that they might not hear Mr. Lovewell's voice—when I was silent, they were silent, and so I came to tell you.
Fanny. What shall we do?
Lovew. Fear nothing; we know the worst; it will only bring on our catastrophe a little too soon—but Betty might fancy this noise—she's in the conspiracy, and can make a man of a mouse at any time. ”

“ L. Ogle. I was saying, Sir, that I was in hopes of seeing the young ladies at breakfast: Mr. Sterling, they are, in my mind, the finest tulips in this part of the world—he, he.
Cant. Bravissimo, my Lor!—ha, ha, he.
Sterl. They shall meet your Lordship in the garden—we won't lose our walk for them; I'll take you a little round before breakfast, and a larger before dinner, and in the evening you shall go the Grand Tower, as I call it, ha, ha, ha.
L. Ogle. Not a foot, I hope, Mr. Sterling—consider your gout, my good friend—You'll certainly be laid by the heels for your politeness—he, he, he. ”

“ From my very soul, Lovewell.
Lovew. Your generosity overpowers me.— [bowing.] —I was afraid of her meeting with a cold reception.
Lord Ogle. More fool you then.
Who pleads her cause with never-failing beauty,
Here finds a full redress. ⁠ [strikes his breast.
She's a fine girl, Lovewell.
Lovew. Her beauty, my Lord, is her least merit. She has an understanding——
Lord Ogle. Her choice convinces me of that.
Lovew.— [bowing.] —That's your Lordship's goodness. Her choice was a disinterested one.
Lord Ogle. No—no—not altogether—it began with interest, and ended in passion. ”

“ Ay, marry her, Sir!—I know very well that a warm speech or two from such a dangerous young spark, as you are, will go much farther towards persuading a silly girl to do what she has more than a month's mind to do, than twenty grave lectures from fathers or mothers, or uncles or aunts, to prevent her.—But you wou'd not, sure, be such a base fellow, such a treacherous young rogue, as to seduce my daughter's affections, and destroy the peace of my family in that manner.—I must insist on it, that you give me your word not to marry her without my consent. ”

“ Mrs. Heidel. Now I'm prepar'd for the rancounter—well, brother, have you heard of this scene of wickedness?
Sterl. Not I—but what is it?—Speak!—I was got into my little closet—all the lawyers were in bed, and I had almost lost my senses in the confusion of Lord Ogleby's mortgages, when I was alarm'd with a foolish girl, who could hardly speak; and whether it's fire, or thieves, or murder, or a rape, I am quite in the dark. ”

“ Fanny. You deceived yourself. If I forbore to exert a proper spirit, nay if I did not even express the quickest resentment of your behaviour, it was only in consideration of that respect I wish to pay you, in honour to my sister: and be assured Sir, woman as I am, that my vanity could reap no pleasure from a triumph, that must result from the blackest treachery to her.
[going. Sir John. One word, and I have done. [stopping her.] ”

“ I tell you, I never did listen to it.—Did not I say that I would be governed entirely by my sister, Sir John?—And unless she agreed to your marrying Fanny—
Mrs. Heidel. I agree to his marrying Fanny? abominable! The man is absolutely out of his senses.—Can't that wise head of yours foresee the consequence of all this, brother Sterling? Will Sir John take Fanny without a fortune? No.—After you have settled the largest part of your property on your youngest daughter, can there be an equal portion left for the eldest? No.—Does not this overturn the whole systum of the fammaly? ”

“ Manent Sir John, and Sterling.
Sterl. I thought so, I knew she never would agree to it.
Sir John. 'Sdeath, how unfortunate! What can we do, Mr. Sterling?
Sterl. Nothing.
Sir John. What! must our agreement break off, the moment it is made then?
Sterl. It can't be helped, Sir John. The family, as I told you before, have great expectations from my sister; and if this matter proceeds, you hear yourself that she threatens to leave us.—My brother Heidelberg was a warm man; a very warm man; and died worth a Plumb at least; a Plumb! ay, I warrant you, he died worth a Plumb and a half. ”

“ Sir John. Who has obtained the most absolute dominion over my heart. I have already declared my passion to her; nay, Miss Sterling herself is also apprized of it, and if you will but give a sanction to my present addresses, the uncommon merit of Miss Sterling will no doubt recommend her to a person of equal, if not superior rank to myself, and our families may still be allied by my union with Miss Fanny. ”

“ Sir John. A moment's patience, Sir! Nothing but the excess of my passion for Miss Fanny shou'd have induced me to take any step that had the least appearance of disrespect to any part of your family; and even now I am desirous to atone for my transgression, by making the most adequate compensation that lies in my power.
Sterl. Compensation! what compensation can you possibly make in such a case as this, Sir John?
Sir John. Come, come, Mr. Sterling; I know you to be a man of sense, a man of business, a man of the world. I'll deal frankly with you ”

“ One must always have a church, or an obelisk, or a something, to terminate the prospect, you know. That's a rule in taste, my Lord!
Lord Ogle. Very ingenious, indeed! For my part, I desire no finer prospect, than this I see before me. [leering at the women.] —Simple, yet varied; bounded, yet extensive.—Get away, Canton! [pushing away Canton.] I want no assistance.—I'll walk with the ladies.
Sterl. This way, my Lord!
Lord Ogle. Lead on, Sir!—We young folks here will follow you.—Madam!—Miss Sterling!—Miss Fanny! I attend you. ”

“ Sir John. Why so?—Is not she an angel, Lovewell?
Lovew. I foresee that it must produce the worst consequences. Consider the confusion it must unavoidably create. Let me persuade you to drop these thoughts in time.
Sir John. Never—never, Lovewell!
Lovew. You have gone too far to recede. A negotiation, so nearly concluded, cannot be broken off with any grace. The lawyers, you know, are hourly expected; the preliminaries almost finally settled between Lord Ogleby and Mr. Sterling; and Miss Sterling herself ready to receive you as a husband. ”

“ But not the Stuff, Lovewell!—Add one little round o to the sum total of your fortune, and that will be the finest thing you can say to me.—You know I've a regard for you—would do any thing to serve you—any thing on the footing of friendship—but——
Lovew. If you think me worthy of your friendship, Sir, be assured, that there is no instance in which I should rate your friendship so highly.
Sterl. Psha! psha! that's another thing, you know.—Where money or interest is concerned, friendship is quite out of the question. ”

“ The Art, and Artist, share one common Grave.
⁠O let me drop one tributary Tear,
On poor Jack Falstaff's Grave, and Juliet's Bier!
You to their Worth must Testimony give;
'Tis in your Hearts alone their Fame can live.
Still as the Scenes of Life will shift away,
The strong Impressions of their Art decay.
Your Children cannot feel what you have known;
They'll boast of Quins and Cibbers of their own:
The greatest Glory of our happy few,
Is to be felt, and be approv'd by you. ”