Jerome K. Jerome

“ JANE. Some families, finding themselves in our position, would seek to turn it to their own advantage. We think only of your good.
FANNY. Yes, that’s what I feel—that you are worrying yourselves too much about me. You’re too conscientious, all of you. You, in particular, Jane, because you know you’re not strong. You’ll end up with a nervous breakdown. [Mrs. Bennet has entered. Honoria slips out. Fanny turns to her aunt.] I was just saying how anxious I’m getting about Jane. I don’t like the look of her at all. What she wants is a holiday. ”

“ BENNET. The smoking-room is on the ground-floor.
NEWTE. Ah, my cigar. I beg your pardon. I couldn’t understand. [He puts it on the tray—breaks into a laugh.]
BENNET. Thank you. Her ladyship is suffering from a headache. If I might suggest—a little less boisterousness. [He goes out.]
NEWTE [he watches him out] . I say, your Lord Chamberlain’s a bit of a freezer!
FANNY. Yes. Wants hanging out in the sun. How did you manage to get here so early? [She sits.]
NEWTE. Well, your telegram rather upset me. I thought—correct etiquette for me to sit down here, do you think?
FANNY. Don’t ask me. ”

“ He listens—no one seems to be stirring. He goes out, returns immediately with a butler’s tray, containing all things necessary for a breakfast and the lighting of a fire. He places the tray on table, throws his coat over a chair, and is on his knees busy lighting the fire, when enter the Misses Wetherell, clad in dressing-gowns and caps: yet still they continue to look sweet. They also creep in, hand in hand. The crouching Newte is hidden by a hanging fire-screen. They creep forward till the coat hanging over the chair catches their eye. ”

“ FANNY [takes his hand in hers] . I wish you hadn’t asked Newte any questions about me. It would have been so nice to feel that you had married me—just because you couldn’t help it—just because I was I and nothing else mattered.
VERNON. Let’s forget I ever did. [He kneels beside her.] I didn’t do it for my own sake, as you know. A man in my position has to think of other people. His wife has to take her place in society. People insist upon knowing something about her. It’s not enough for the stupid “County” that she’s the cleverest, most bewilderingly beautiful, bewitching lady in the land. ”

“ FANNY. Oh, don’t begin quoting Scripture. I want to discuss the thing sensibly. Don’t you see it can’t be done? I can’t be anybody else than myself. I don’t want to.
BENNET. My girl, you’ve got to be. Root and branch, inside and outside, before you’re fit to be Lady Bantock, mother of the Lord Bantocks that are to be, you’ve got to be a changed woman.
A pause.
FANNY. And it’s going to be your job, from beginning to end—yours and the rest of you. What I wear and how I look is Jane’s affair. My prayers will be for what Aunt Susannah thinks I stand in need of. ”

“ FANNY. No, that’s not fair. You wouldn’t have married a girl off the music-hall stage.
VERNON. Niece of a bishop, cousin to a judge. Whether I believed it or not, doesn’t matter. The sham that isn’t likely to be found out is as good as the truth, to a snob. If he had told me your uncle was a butler, I should have hesitated. That’s where the mistake began. We’ll go back to that. Won’t you sit down? [Fanny sits.] I want you to stop. There’ll be no mistake this time. I’m asking my butler’s niece to do me the honour to be my wife. ”

“ THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL. It is so easy to love the young and pretty. [They have drawn close to her. They seem to hesitate.]
FANNY [laughs] . It doesn’t come off, does it, Vernon, dear? [Vernon laughs. The two ladies, laughing, kiss her.] I’m so glad you think I’m pretty. As a matter of fact, I’m not. There’s a certain charm about me, I admit. It deceives people.
THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. We were afraid—you know, dear, boys— [she looks at Vernon and smiles] sometimes fall in love with women much older than themselves—especially women— [She grows confused. She takes the girl’s hand.] ”

“ FANNY. Please show them up. They will have their tea here.
BENNET [her very quietness is beginning to alarm him. It shakes him from his customary perfection of manners] . The Lady Bantocks do not as a rule receive circus girls in their boudoir.
FANNY [still with her alarming quietness] . Neither do they argue with their servants. Please show these ladies in.
BENNET. I warn you—
FANNY. You heard my orders. [Her tone has the right ring. The force of habit is too strong upon him. He yields—savagely—and goes out. She turns to the Doctor.] ”

“ DR. FREEMANTLE [he is sitting at the head of the table, between Newte on his right and the Misses Wetherell on his left. He lays his hand on Newte’s sleeve—with a smile] . I’m sure you can forgive a man—with eyes and ears in his head—for having fallen in love with her.
NEWTE. Then why doesn’t he stand by her? What if her uncle is a butler? If he wasn’t a fool, he’d be thanking his stars that ’twas anything half as respectable. ”

“ A man may not marry his butler’s niece.
VERNON [laughing] . You’ve got butlers on the brain. If ever I do run away with my own cook or under-housemaid, it will be your doing.
FANNY. You haven’t the pluck! The “County” would laugh at you. You men are so frightened of being laughed at.
VERNON [he rises] . Well, if it saves us from making asses of ourselves—
FANNY. Wasn’t there a niece of old Bennet’s, a girl who had been brought up abroad, and who wasn’t a domestic servant—never had been—who stayed with them here, at the gardener’s cottage, for a short time, some few years ago? ”

“ What sort of a man is he?
A pause. They are looking straight into each other’s eyes.
DR. FREEMANTLE. A man it pays to be perfectly frank with.
FANNY. It’s a very old family, isn’t it?
DR. FREEMANTLE. Old! Good Lord no! First Lord Bantock was only Vernon’s great-grandfather. That is the woman that did it all. [He is looking at the Hoppner.]
FANNY. How do you mean?
DR. FREEMANTLE. Got them their title. Made the name of Bantock of importance in the history of the Georges. Clever woman.
FANNY [leaning over a chair, she is staring into the eyes of the first Lady Bantock] . ”

“ Do you think I’ve stood behind English society for forty years without learning anything about it! What you call a colourless puppet is what we call an English lady. And that you’ve got to learn to be. ”

“ FANNY. Didn’t make any difference to me! [Jumps up.] Do you know what I’ve done? Married into a family that keeps twenty-three servants, every blessed one of whom is a near relation of my own. [He sits paralysed. She goes on.] That bald-headed old owl— [with a wave towards the door] —that wanted to send you off with a glass of beer and a flea in your ear—that’s my uncle. The woman that opened the lodge gate for you is my Aunt Amelia. The carroty-headed young man that answered the door to you is my cousin Simeon. He always used to insist on kissing me. ”

“ BENNET. I am old-fashioned enough to think also of my duty to those I serve. If his lordship has done me the honour to marry my niece, the least I can is to see to it that she brings no discredit to his name. [Mrs. Bennet, followed by Jane Bennet, a severe-looking woman of middle age, has entered upon the words “the least I can do.” Bennet stays them a moment with his hand while he finishes. Then he turns to his wife.] You will be interested to find, Susannah, that the new Lady Bantock is not a stranger.
MRS. BENNET. Not a stranger! [She has reached a position from where she sees the girl.] ”

“ DR. FREEMANTLE. Um! Well I should tell the whole family to buck up. Seems to me, from what you tell me, that their master is bringing them home a treasure. [He shakes hands briskly with the ladies.] May look in again to-morrow. Don’t forget—one page Marcus Aurelius before breakfast—in case of need. [He goes out.]
The sun has sunk. The light is twilight.
THE ELDER MISS WETHERELL. He always cheers one up.
THE YOUNGER MISS WETHERELL. He’s so alive. [Mrs. Bennet comes in from the dressing-room. She leaves the door ajar. The sound of a hammer is heard. It ceases almost immediately.] ”

“ VERNON [recovering speech] . But why did you—?
FANNY [her control gives way. She breaks out] . Oh, because I’ve been a fool. It’s the explanation of most people’s muddles, I expect, if they only knew it. Don’t talk to me, anybody. I’ve got nothing more to say. [To Bennet] I’m sorry. You wouldn’t give me a chance. I’d have met you half way. [To Mrs. Bennet] I’m sorry. Don’t be too hard on me. It won’t mean much trouble to you. Good servants don’t go begging. You can depend upon me for a character. [To Jane] You’ll do much better for yourselves elsewhere. ”

“ FANNY. You see, I’m in the difficult position of following her late ladyship. She appears to have been exceptionally “seemly.” This is her frock. I mean it was her frock.
DR. FREEMANTLE. God bless my soul! You are not dressing yourself up in her late ladyship’s clothes? The dear good woman has been dead and buried these twenty years.
FANNY [she looks at her dress] . Yes, it struck me as being about that period.
DR. FREEMANTLE [he goes across to her] . What’s the trouble? Too much Bennet?
FANNY [she looks up. There is a suspicion of a smile] . One might say—sufficient?
DR. FREEMANTLE [laughs] . ”

“ BENNET. I think his lordship might prefer to leave things as they are. Good servants nowadays are not so easily replaced. And neither your aunt nor I are at an age when change appeals to one.
FANNY. You see, it’s almost bound to creep out sooner or later, and then—
BENNET. We will make it as late as possible [He crosses and rings the bell] , giving you time to prove to his lordship that you are not incapable of learning.
FANNY [she drops back on the settee. She is half-crying.] Some people would be pleased that their niece had married well. ”

“ DR. FREEMANTLE. Ah, thanks!
BENNET. I fancy her ladyship will not herself be visible much before lunch time. I understand she woke this morning with a headache. [He goes out.]
The Doctor reads a moment. Then the door of the dressing-room opens, and Fanny enters. Her dress is a wonderful contrast to her costume of last evening. It might be that of a poor and demure nursery governess. Her hair is dressed in keeping. She hardly seems the same woman.
FANNY [seeing the Doctor, she pauses] . Oh!
DR. FREEMANTLE [rises] . I beg pardon, have I the pleasure of seeing Lady Bantock?
FANNY. Yes. ”

“ I shall tell him, and you’ll only have yourself to blame. He loves me. He loves me for myself. I shall tell him the whole truth, and ask him to give you all the sack.
BENNET. You’re not forgetting that you’ve already told him once who you were?
[It stops her. What she really did was to leave the marriage arrangements in the hands of her business manager, George P. Newte. As agent for a music-hall star, he is ideal, but it is possible that in answering Lord Bantock’s inquiries concerning Fanny’s antecedents he may not have kept strictly to the truth.] ”

“ She has crossed towards the desk. Her cheque-book lies there half hidden under other papers. It catches her eye. Her hand steals unconsciously towards it. She taps it idly with her fingers. It is all the work of a moment. ”

“ FANNY. I didn’t know he was Lord Bantock. I only knew him as Mr. Wetherell, an artist. He wanted to feel sure that I was marrying him for himself alone. He never told me— [Ernest Bennet, a very young footman, has entered in answer to Bennet’s ring of a minute ago. He has come forward step by step, staring all the while open-mouthed at Fanny. Turning, she sees him beside her.] Hulloa, Ernie. How are the rabbits? [She kisses him.]
BENNET. Don’t stand there gaping. I rang for some wood. Tell your brother dinner will be at a quarter to eight. ”

“ FANNY. Haven’t the faintest idea. [She hands him his cup.] Is he coming here? Or merely on his way somewhere?
VERNON. I don’t know; he doesn’t say.
FANNY. Don’t let him mix you up in any of his “ventures.” Dear old George, he’s as honest as the day, but if he gets hold of an “idea” there’s always thousands in it for everybody.
VERNON. I’ll be careful. [Ernest has left the door open. The harmonium breaks forth again, together with vocal accompaniment as before.] What’s on downstairs, then—a party?
FANNY. Bennet is holding a prayer meeting.
VERNON. A prayer meeting? ”