George M. Baker

“ Eva. Delightful! It’s positively bewitching. Bless that dear Monsieur Adonis. He deserves a crown of roses for introducing to his assembly the latest Terpsichorean novelty. O, we shall have a splendid time to-night!
Ida. Especially as those charming waltzers, Messrs. Richard Dasher and Lavender Kids, “the glass of fashion and the mould of form,” are to honor us with their presence.
Eva. Yes, indeed. What would the dance be without them?
Ida. Not worth the trouble of dressing. But don’t you think that Mr. Dasher is a little too attentive to Miss Eva Mulligrub,—eh, sister? ”

“ Hallo! an intrudaw. Sir, I have not the honow of your acquaintance. This woom is the wesort, the westing-place of a bevy of divine goddesses. No masculine mortals are allowed to entaw here.
Mulligrub. Show! then you are not a masculine mortal, I take it.
Kids. Sir, you are impertinent. I am—I am a particular fwiend of the lady who is the lawful possessor of this wesort.
Mulligrub (aside) . Can this be Dip? (Aloud.) Sir, I am a particular friend of the lady in question, being the brother of her husband’s brother.
Kids. Weally, the bwover of her husband’s bwover. ”

“ Eva. Quick, quick, Ida! mother’s fainted.
Ida. You don’t mean it?
Eva. Yes, yes, come quick! What are you waiting for?
Ida. But Mr. Kids is on the brink of a precipice.
Eva. Let him stay there. Come with me. (Drags Eva off, R.)
Mulligrub (aside) . Won’t somebody be kind enough to remove that precipice?
Kids (rising) . Yaas, weally, that owiginal ideah will kill me, I know it will. I must go and bathe my head in Cologne, I must weally. Miss Ida didn’t push well; in fact, I don’t believe she’s fond of pushing fellah’s ovaw, I don’t, weally. ”

“ Eva. A what?
Ida. Assignment? You mean an appointment.
Mrs. M. Well, it’s all the same. I’m going to learn to do that dipper thing, if I die for it.
Eva. I don’t understand.
Ida. She means The Boston Dip.
Mrs. M. That’s it—where you go tipping about, while the fiddlers play Struse’s Beautiful Blue Dan-u-by.
Eva. You, mother, learn to waltz!
Mrs. M. And why not? There’s Mrs. What’s-her-name gets through it, and she’s older and heavier than I. I’m going to learn it. What’s the use of having money if you can’t spin round like other folks. But don’t say a word to your father. ”

“ You’re really proficient in the usages of fashionable depravity; but I’ll forgive you, and make you acquainted with my new flame, one which you so grievously mistook, my harmless pet, “The Boston Dip.” (Music, Beautiful Blue Danube. Mr. Mulligrub bows, and retires up, C. Waltz, Monsieur Adonis and Mrs. Mulligrub; Dasher and Eva; Kids and Ida.) ”

“ I’m not mercenary; but you know times are hard, and to make a respectable show in society, have a nice house, a half dozen fast horses, and all that sort of thing, requires money. Now, what I want to know is this, will the old man shell out?
Mulligrub. Shell out? Look here, young man, for 229coolness you certainly would take the premium at the largest display of frozen wares in Alaska. If I don’t answer your polite questions, it is because your audacity has so astounded me, that, hang me, if I know whether there is an old Mulligrub to “cut up” or “shell out” at all. ”

“ Kids. Yaas, Moses into the bull-wushes! That’s good—weally owiginal, too.
Mulligrub (rising) . Monsieur Adonis, I beg your pardon for my rudeness. I will make amends, ample reparation. Greenbacks shall shower upon your classic academy. To you, gentlemen, I need make no apologies. 240You see the old man has “cut up,” and perhaps may be made to “shell out.” I don’t think my girls will be able to assist you on that precipice. With your permission, I will retire.
Eva. Don’t go, father. Stay and enjoy yourself.
Ida. And see us waltz. We have splendid partners. ”

“ Ida. Do you know what it all means?
Eva. Certainly—proposals.
Ida. And will you permit Mr. Dasher—
Eva. No, indeed. Marry that fickle thing? Never!
Ida. Exactly my mind. Mr. Kid’s a fool.
225Eva. But, like Mr. Dasher, a splendid waltzer. We cannot afford to lose them.
Ida. Indeed we cannot. Partners are so scarce.
Eva. They want father’s money.
Ida. But they must not have his daughters.
Eva. No, indeed. You watch me, and I’ll watch you, and there’ll be no proposals. (Retire to R. and L. Monsieur Adonis and Mrs. Mulligrub come down stage.)
Mrs. M. And you got my note, Munseer Adonis? ”

“ Ida. Paragon of dancing-masters.
Mons. A. Pardon me, charmant medmoiselles and adorable madam, if ze modest blush of shame paint my cheek wiz ze hues of ze roses. I am ze humble instrument of ze divine art which gives ze grace to ze figure, and ze airy lightness to ze beautiful toes of madam and ze charmant medmoiselles.
Eva. Now, Munseer Adonis, we are all impatience. When will the dance begin?
Mons. A. On ze instant. Ze company have assemble in ze grande salon. When madam and her friends make ze grande entrée, zen will ze music strike ze signal.
Ida. We are all ready. ”

“ Eva. O, don’t talk about brains, Mr. Kids. The discussion of such a subject might fly to your head.
223Dasher. And so light is the material there, cause a conflagration.
Kids. Yaas, yaas, like a Mansard woof. And, Dashaw, I’ve got a diwectory of my bwains, and it’s deucedly clevaw; for if an ideah gets into my bwains, I can trace it out in the diwectory, and tell just where it lies, you know, and know just where to find it. Deuced clevaw.
Dasher (aside) . ’Twould die of starvation before you found it.
Mrs. M. (comes down) . Ah, here’s Munseer Adonis at last!
Enter Monsieur Adonis, r. Mons. ”

“ Mrs. M. Yes, written by me to Monsieur Adonis, asking him to give me a private lesson here.
Eva. And father thought it a love affair? O, father!
Ida. A man with the name of “Boston Dip!” O, father!
Dasher. Friend of the family, you’ve made a mistake.
Kids. Yaas, dipped into the wong man. Now isn’t that good—owiginal, too.
Mulligrub (looks at each in a foolish manner, then takes Mrs. Mulligrub by the hand; leads her C., and kneels) . Hannah, I’m on the brink of a frightful precipice. I’ve made a fool of myself. Forgive me, and let’s go home. ”

“ Ida. But how can I help you?
Kids. By pushing me ovaw. Miss Ida, you are bewitching, you are lovely, you are divine, and on my knees I ask you (falls on his knees L. of Ida) to give me a push.
Mulligrub (aside) . Confounded jackass.
Ida. But, Mr. Kids, I don’t understand. You’re so—so— (Aside.) Where can Eva be? (Aloud.) You say you are on the brink of a precipice.
Kids. Howid, howid; and if you consent to be—
Enter Eva, r. ”

“ Hit Him, He has No Friends. A Farce in One Act. By E. Yates and N.H. Harrington. 7 Male, 3 Female characters.
32. The Christening. A Farce in One Act. By J.B. Buckstone. 5 Male, 6 Female characters.
33. A Race for a Widow. A Farce in One Act. By Thomas J. Williams. 5 Male, 4 Female characters.
34. Your Life’s in Danger. A Farce in One Act. ”