H. B. Marriott Watson

“ The Bishop smiled, and took a pistol by the muzzle in a most gingerly manner of distaste. “I have never set off a firearm but once,” he mused, “and by accident it hit a grocer.”
“Pooh!” said I, grinning, “’tis all one, whether of design or accident. The hole is blown, and the poor groaning soul slides through. And I call you to witness that ’tis not so much for the meddling of your own fingers as to secure the weapons out of my own reach, and for the sake of these insolent suspicions.”
“I do you wrong, Ryder,” said the Bishop gravely, “I do you wrong. ”

“ As I finished, and was on the point of slapping to the door, the Bishop glanced at me. “I fear,” said he, with another smile, “that none of the guineas in that somewhat lean purse will find their way to church. ’Tis, of course, no business of mine. I do not presume to dictate to any man’s conscience. You pay tithes, you say, and give in charity. It is excellent hearing, and I confess that I was in some hope a little earlier, when you vaunted those virtues so proudly, that some of my guineas might perchance come back to me hereafter. ”

“ I knew the land by rote, and we proceeded easily by lanes and windings, through a grievous slush of snow, until, at the end of half an hour, we came out on the ridge of the hill (I knew it of old) which lies in the rear of my Lord Petersham’s castle.
At the cross-roads the Bishop reined in his horse, and turned to me. “I think, Ryder,” said he, but courteously, “that we shall be well quit of each other here. I make a dull companion for youth, and you have, doubtless, a long ride before you.”
“Dull,” says, I “be damned! I’ll wager upon you before all the bucks of town.” ”

“ The Bishop was staring into his snuff. I rapped a pistol over his knuckles, and when he looked up he gazed instead down the long hollows of the barrel.
“Come,” says I, with a rough oath, “forth with your precious guineas, or I’ll spoil the smooth beauty of those cheeks. I will have you unload your pockets, my fat vicegerent, an’ I cannot force you disburden your conscience. Off with your jewels and your rings!”
The Bishop inspected the weapon without flinching, and then looked me quietly in the face. “You have been very tedious, my friend,” says he. ”

“ Are we gutter hogs,” I said, “to swill on swipes and sour the edges of our teeth on vinegar? And his lordship there of as delicate a stomach as any lady in the straw!”
There was never a wretch made so mean a figure as the rascal when I had him by the collar under this storm; but the Bishop said nothing till the fool was got off, shambling in a fit of terror, to his cellars. Then he lay back and looked at me very mildly.
“There is a certain rough vigour in your tongue, Ryder,” said he, “and of scurril terms you have a most remarkable empire. ”

“ I had the fancy to thrust him a little closer and, springing from Calypso, I drew to the carriage and leaned my arms across the window. At this new proximity he appeared to start ever so little, and glanced at me from the edges of his eyes.
“There’s the rub,” says I. “For myself, I am naturally a man of peace, who can split a weasand with his sword upon occasion. I pursue a sound life and a simple calling.” The Bishop bowed in affable audience. “I am content with what goods the world, or chance, provides. ”

“ If there be some who have brought evil accusations of greed upon me, why, what matters it, if a man’s conscience be right with his Maker? And you, my lord, will surely know the calamitous and miserable calumniations put upon our poor human nature? ”

“ The Bishop dusted the snuff from his apron and fell back into his lounge. “You press me too hard,” said he, reproachfully. “I am not of so young a blood to take these sharp turns with you;” and he eyed me as if inviting speech.
“The Devil!” I retorted warmly. “I will fasten myself upon no man’s hospitality. ”

“ Thereupon the two cravens, coming to themselves, and eager to be quit with sound skins and full purses, whipped round their horses and made off; and the Bishop and I were left together in the road. My lord regarded me maliciously, and at last, breaking into a something foolish laugh, I found my tongue. “Why, one gentleman of the road to rob another!” says I. “’Tis monstrous, my lord.”
“You will have a better knowledge of the etiquette than myself, who am but a novice, Ryder,” says he, mightily pleased with himself
“For a guest to rum-pad his host!” I urged. “’Tis beyond all manners.” ”

“ I broke forth, “I have stopped a man’s vitals for less impudence than yours. A bloody priest, forsooth, to prate of justice and of argument! You are a man of Holy Writ. Faugh! Call me a ruffian, a cut-throat, or a vagabond—but I have broke your decalogue into a thousand pieces, and turned and shattered ’em again.”
“That,” said the Bishop gravely, “lies betwixt yourself and your Maker. ’Tis a pity in so well-favoured a youth as you would seem,” and his glance strayed over me deliberately. ”

“ But, seizing the bridle in my left hand, I forthwith brought his nose up to the window.
“Sir,” said I, politely, to the man in the coach, “the frost holds hard, and the snow lies heavy, and my friend and I, lacking purses of our own, must needs borrow of our neighbours to carry us to that excellent host, my Lord Petersham’s. And as on this great occasion of the Lady Mary’s marriage, we should think shame to do things with a niggard hand, why, we are fain to dip deep into your pockets. ”

“ I had never a stomach for Mother Church, but this damned ugly lump was come near to turn me parson. I leaned over and tapped him on the knee. He opened his eyes with an air of weariness, and fastened them upon me with a faint gesture of apology.
“I fear I have been rude enough to fall asleep,” says he.
“Indeed,” I answered sharply, “’tis ill manners, as you may see, to split through a gentleman’s discourse so lightly. I did myself the honour to begin you my history.”
“You must forgive me,” said the Bishop, with that wave of his hand. “Pray continue. ”

“ But, an you must march in your full habit as a man, ‘Bishop’ were best left unsaid, Ryder, and ‘his lordship’ might with profit hold over till the blood runs cool. You will observe that I tuck up my apron for convenience. ”

“ I answered, “until our stomachs are filled, when I will myself conduct you upon the road.”
“Captain Ryder,” said the Bishop, lurching clumsily out of the carriage, “I am much in your debt for your insistence.”
The darkness had now fallen pretty thick, and the snow lay deep and soft underfoot; but we made safely, if at some pains, down the bye-road which led to Wretford, the Bishop a black lump upon Calypso, and myself straddling the carriage horse which his servant had left. ”

“ And there he lay, the rough wind thrashing his warm flesh, obnoxious to the instant handling of a wild highwayman, mumbling a conversation in polite terms, unmoved by danger, and underanged by discomfort. The control of the man was so admirable that I must push it to its limits. ”

“ But somewhere about the third course (an extremely well jugged hare) , and when for my own part the edge of my appetite was blunting, I looked up and met the Bishop’s eye, which was fixed upon me meditatively. He raised his glass and sipped of the claret slowly; set it down upon the table; and pinching up his eyes the while, stared thoughtfully from it to me and from me to it again.
“Of a cold hard night, Ryder,” said he, picking out his words, “a warm soft wine lines a stomach gratefully. We oppose opposites in the meetest sense ”