H. L. Mencken

“ There is only the spirit.
HELIOGABALUS
But, my dear! What has the spirit to do with the belly-ache? How can the spirit help a man when he is doubled up? What could it do for me?
LUCIA
Even you, Cæsar. Even you are not beyond the grace of the Lord.
HELIOGABALUS
[Growing more interested] Do you mean to say that I can be cured by this new magic, this so-called Christianity?
LUCIA
By Christianity, Cæsar, and by the spirit within. Even you may be healed.
[41]
HELIOGABALUS
Do you mean without swallowing any more pills?
LUCIA
I know nothing of pills. I know only the work of the Lord. ”

“ Give her air!
[POLORUS applies the brandy jug to PAULA'S lips and she begins to gurgle, gag and blubber]
PAULA
[Still gasping, and rising to a sitting position on the floor] That Christian tried to put a spell on me. She has the evil eye.
LUCIA
[Shrilly, from the bed] There are devils in her! She is like the Gadarene swine.
PAULA
[Struggling to her feet, assisted by the doctors, the other wives and HELIOGABALUS] Liar!
LUCIA
She is possessed by demons, Cæsar. ”

“ I had to haul her back into bed. [He sips again] Ah, love, indeed! A short preface to a long book! [He pauses and waits for appreciation. No sound comes from LUCIA. He goes on in a slightly louder voice] Love is like war: easy to begin but very hard to stop. [Another inquiring glance at LUCIA] When loves dies there is never any funeral: the corpse remains in the house. [Another] A woman in love is less modest than a man: she has less to be ashamed of. [A longish pause. He takes a deep draught] Love is the delusion that one woman differs from another. ”

“ By the way, have we got enough stomach-pumps?
PISO
[Indicating them] Here are six.
POLORUS
Maybe that will be enough. [He roots among the medicines] I have a feeling that this will finish the Christian wife. She'll never stand for an old-time banquet.
PISO
Then let us thank all the gods. If Christianity ever actually got on its legs, the doctoring business would go to pot. All this praying and fasting and going to bed at ten o'clock is fatal to pathology. The aim of medicine is to save a man from the just consequences of his own vices. ”

“ DACIA
[Half a whisper] No.
[There ensues a long kiss. The arm of coincidence provides a dreamy tune from the band behind the hangings]
HELIOGABALUS
Let us cut the banquet! To hell with the banquet! What do you say?
DACIA
[Like a naughty child] To hell with the banquet!
[183]
HELIOGABALUS
[Half to himself] Imagine that Christian— [taking her arm] Come on! [They sneak half-way across the stage. His eyes feast upon her. He halts a moment] What wonderful hair! ”

“ As the hangings go back, and HELIOGABALUS, with DACIA on his arm, is revealed to the banqueters, there is a sudden silence. Then CAIUS springs to his feet and shouts "Vivat Imperator!" and the whole assemblage rises. The old boys stand unsteadily as he mounts the three steps and moves toward his place—it is evident that they have been dining very well. There is no cheer, but the chord of C major is sounded loudly by the musicians. ”

“ Those happy, happy days!
[During all this scene SIMON has occasionally peeped out from behind the hangings, his eyes popping as HELIOGABALUS grows more and more ardent. RUFINIUS has discreetly turned his back and the centurions are far to the right, also with their backs toward the centre. All the while noisy music and whoops have been coming from [161] the banquet hall, with occasional bursts of applause. Now and then a definite voice may be heard—probably old CAIUS'S]
DACIA
You do love me, don't you? ”

“ You say that the soul re-enters the body on the day of judgment. Well, suppose I take two Jews and cut off their heads, and put the head of A on the body of B, and vice versa. Does the soul of A go into the body of A or into the head of A, which is on the body of B? If it goes into the head, is it responsible for the sins of the body of B? [He reaches over and, slyly watching LUCIA out of the corner of his eye, pours out a goblet of the brandy which the doctors have left there, slowly sipping it with much lip-smacking as he goes on] Do you follow me? ”

“ At the left of the spectator is the arched doorway that leads into the ostium, or entrance hallway. At the right are two doors giving into the peristyle, or garden. In the back are doors opening upon various apartments, among them, a small triclinium or banquet-room.
The atrium has walls of Cipilino marble, and there are ornate pillars supporting each door-frame. In the centre of the floor is a small pool, perhaps six by eight feet, and flush with the floor. Above it, in the ceiling, is a skylight with movable bronze sashes, and gaudy silk blinds beneath. ”

“ Perhaps a goblet of wine—
PAULA
[Promptly motioning to RUFINIUS] And you, too. [18] Pardon me for forgetting. I am all worn out. You doctors have to be up all night, and—
PISO
[Reaching for his goblet] People simply will send for one. I seldom get out of my clothes.
[The three drink]
POLORUS
And you were saying that the Emperor—
PAULA
Doctor, you'd hardly believe it. He's so changed I hardly know him—always complaining about his stomach-aches, and taking pills and things. ”

“ So you have taken to the jug again—after all your promises? While I am hard at work, engaged in the [51] administration of justice—labouring at affairs of state—you loll out here in the atrium in your cups!
RUFINIUS
[At a loss] Your Majesty, I—
HELIOGABALUS
I have ordered you not to lie! If you tell me that it evaporated—in four minutes—to the galleys! If you say you gave it to a blind beggar—to the boa constrictors! If you say thieves broke in and stole it—I'll burn you like a—like a Christian!
RUFINIUS
[Eager to shield the Empress, he takes the blame. He falls to his knees] Majesty! ”

“ Think of the men she has charmed! Think of the old, sad romance of her betrayal! I dare say it was some gladiator, or an actor. Ah, the misery of the years! And now contemplate her beauty in its decay: the night must be very dark, or the stranger very soused. Observe that sepulchral wreck of what once was a human face. ”

“ As PAULA slinks into the peristyle, HELIOGABALUS enters from the triclinium, with DACIA on his arm. He is tall, sallow and apparently somewhat liquored; his bad humour is obvious. He stalks across the stage to the solium without a word, hands up DACIA, and takes his seat beside her with a scowl. He wears a magnificent toga of imperial purple, with a wide band of cloth-of-gold at the bottom. ”

“ He goes to the door and the salver is handed out. On it are the two goblets. One is empty; the other is still full]
PAULA
[Rushing up, she immediately notes the full goblet] Ha! One still full! [Hysterically] What did I tell you? This one is a wise one: she refuses to drink. Now he's done for!
RUFINIUS
[Alarmed at last] It looks pretty bad.
PAULA
Bad? I tell you it's all over! I got him that way myself—and so did most of the others. I know! [Rising to martyrdom] Oh, what have I done to deserve this! And a Christian, too—a common street woman, praying and bawling in the gutters! ”

“ Just think of it a moment. Imagine praying in a—bedroom! Don't you get a vague flavour of, say, impropriety? Isn't it a trifle—indelicate?
LUCIA
I think you are talking nonsense.
HELIOGABALUS
[Reaching for the water-jug and pouring out another goblet] Maybe I am. [He takes a swallow, chokes and spits it out] But isn't that precisely what a man seeks in marriage—a sort of virtuous nonsense? You forget the way I make a living, my cold little rabbit. My days are filled with gloomy duties. If I didn't look solemn as an owl the people would lose confidence in me. Say I go to the circus. ”

“ DACIA
But—
HELIOGABALUS
I positively refuse to let you sacrifice yourself. I hadn't noticed the time. Now, my dear. [He offers his arm, and she dutifully takes it, though with obvious reluctance. They step down from the solium and proceed to the door of the peristyle. At the door] You have been getting paler and paler for an hour. I noticed it but didn't say anything. Now right to bed, my little ginger snap. Don't forget that Heliogabalus loves you. [He gives her a peck of a kiss] I'll be with you anon. ”

“ I still have my stomach-ache. And the one wife I have left rolls over about half a mile, and leaves me to shiver over bad poetry. [He throws the scroll on the floor] My dear, you must allow something to my training. I am used to society at night. Loneliness [77] always starts up my dyspepsia. How many times have I suddenly wakened and cast my eye over that bed and watched the sweet girls as they slumbered, or whispered to one another, or nudged one another, or giggled in their more or less perfect innocence. There was always at least one awake. ”

“ I think you are exciting yourself for nothing. You are tired out. Why don't you go to sleep?
HELIOGABALUS
[Wearily] Yes, there seems to be nothing else to do. My trouble used to be that I didn't get sleep enough. But now—! [He composes himself heavily, and for a moment there is silence. He then tosses in bed and fusses with the bed-clothes, muttering under his breath and whining] I've got a stomach-ache.
LUCIA
[Raising herself and gazing at him] Are you cold, Cæsar? ”

“ An intelligent girl, Dacia. And how her nose puckers when she is a bit—squiffed. Somehow, I— [He empties the goblet and composes himself. The regular breathing of LUCIA can be heard] This Christianity may be all right in the daytime, but at night— [Suddenly, from somewhere below the window there comes the soft, low sound of a girl's voice, raised in song. It is a song of love and passion, and HELIOGABALUS sits up in bed to listen. Toward the end he glances at LUCIA, scarcely concealing a rising aversion. The song ended, he settles himself, wets his lips, and smiles amorously] ”

“ I am Emperor here, and I must live like an Emperor, not like a slave. This praying shakes my nerves; water has given me a terrible stomach-ache; I have chills at night.
LUCIA
[Rather weakly] The Word—
HELIOGABALUS
Maybe, but not for me! Damn water! Damn the Christian style of kissing! Damn going to bed at ten o'clock! Damn—
LUCIA
[Her hands over her ears] Get thee behind me, Satan!
HELIOGABALUS
Satan! So Dacia is a scarlet woman, and I am Satan! And I thought I was Emperor of Rome! [Wildly, showing that there was wine in his goblet] For less than this, I have ”

“ But this is no talk for a banquet. If I told you my symptoms you would fall into faints, with screams of horror. [One of the guests struggles to his feet and makes as if to speak] Yes, Senator, I have tried that Armenian lithia water. I don't doubt it cured your ringing in the ears, but it has only made my stomach-ache worse. No more water! I have got down enough water of late to float Caius' whole fleet. To the sewers with water! What have we here? [He lifts up a goblet and sniffs at it] Aha! ”

“ And here I am Emperor, not to say Pontifex Maximus, not to say a husband! [He climbs into the big bed and starts across toward LUCIA on hands and knees. She begins to roll away from him] Hey, there, little cocoanut, where are you going? ”

“ Can I afford to let it get about that it is safe to lie to the Emperor of Rome? Surely not. Now, go to bed and get a good night's rest and let me attend to Rufinius' ear. He is tired of waiting. The longer we put off the matter of his ear, the longer it will take to heal. ”

“ But what of, er—what of, say Dacia, for example?
LUCIA
[Yawning] This Dacia, too, has a soul.
HELIOGABALUS
Nobly spoken. And much better news! [Half dreamily] But what is this so-called soul you speak of? Is it a gas? Has it got length, breadth, thickness? Is the soul in the body, or the body in the soul? When I used to cut a Christian into two halves, which half was the soul in? Was it divided too? Well, then, suppose I had him run through a sausage cutter, and he came out, say, in four million pieces: was the soul in four million pieces, too? ”

“ The Empress Paula tells me—
PISO
Yes, I know all about the patent medicines he's swallowed and the quacks he's had here. There was that Syrian, for instance. He prescribed water-drinking.
POLORUS
She says he couldn't keep it on his stomach.
PISO
No wonder! I daresay his stomach wondered what it was.
POLORUS
What do you think of proposing?
PISO
Nothing could be simpler. If this were an ordinary man, say you or that fat poinsettia over there, [indicating RUFINIUS] I'd simply put him to bed, give him a good big dose of castor oil, and then send in [16] my bill. ”

“ Get them back in the North Wing, and post a guard at—
[He is cut short by a terrific uproar outside. Women screaming. The sound of a bugle. The clank of swords. Loud and prolonged military orders. A man's voice: "Let go!" A woman's: "Stick him in the eye!"
[HELIOGABALUS and RUFINIUS turn toward the closed door and gape at it dumbfounded, apparently disinclined to open it and face the music. As they move toward it irresolutely, PAULA rolls from under the bed, leaps to her feet, dashes between them, blows a loud whistle, gets to the door, and throws it open]
PAULA
Come in, girls! ”

“ Lucia the Galatian, alias Lucia the Christian; aged 21; blasphemy and inciting to riot. One of the soapbox cases, your Majesty.
HELIOGABALUS
Bring her in.
[LUCIA is brought in by the guard. She wears a simple white stola, the common dress of Roman women, with a cross embroidered in front. She is very pretty, and HELIOGABALUS shows immediate signs that he has duly observed the fact. He settles his toga, wets his finger, smoothes his eyebrows, and assumes a mixture of amiable [36] smile and judicial frown. LUCIA folds her arms and is silent]
DACIA
[To HELIOGABALUS] She is very pretty. ”

“ In front of the solium stands a very ornate mensa, or table, with a few backless stools. There is nothing more. Light is furnished by Roman lamps [12] on very tall candelabra. The moon filters through the skylight.
It is the night before New Year's Day of the year 221 A.D.
As the curtain rises, HELIOGABALUS' atriensis, or major-domo, RUFINIUS by name, ushers in the two physicians, PISO and POLORUS. RUFINIUS is a stout Gaul with a full red beard. He wears, of course, no toga, but there are chevrons of imperial purple on the short left sleeve of his tunic. ”

“ Those old rats never look at the clothes; they look at the girl. [He takes his laurel wreath from his head and puts it on DACIA'S head] There! The last touch!
[DACIA is still doubtful and hangs back to steal a glance at herself in a pocket-mirror, but [163] HELIOGABALUS takes her arm and they turn toward the entrance to the banquet hall. RUFINIUS claps his hands, trumpets ring out; the two centurions step forward and draw back the hangings. A scene of gaudy splendour is revealed. The banquet hall reaches to the back of the stage, with a floor three steps higher than that of the corridor. ”