Henry Farrell

“ Sir!" he yelled. "They've done it already, sir! I can't imagine.... They must be quick as cats!"
"What are you talking about, Busby?" Marc asked.
"The silver, sir!" Busby wailed. "And Mrs. Pillsworth's jewels! Your—associates cleaned out the lot! And they merely passed through the house, sir!"
"Like corn through a goose," Toffee murmured.
"Oh, Mrs. Pillsworth will be furious, sir!" Busby lamented. "Mrs. Pillsworth puts great store by her silver and jewels!"
Marc shuddered with apprehension. Julie would be more than furious; she would be livid. And, worse than that, she would be livid at him! ”

“ He was just starting to boost himself up, when he heard the scream behind him. It was a shrill scream and filled with horror. There was an ensuing moment of silence, then the sound of swiftly padding feet, scurrying in all directions. Marc turned and looked.
At first glance he was deeply startled, having forgotten momentarily the condition of his eyes. A large collection of humanity, glistening pinkly in the afternoon sunlight, were disappearing frenziedly into the surrounding greenery. ”

“ You will be like a goddess, with the new grasses and the first green leaves everywhere around you!" He sighed delicately. "I have never done a portrait in this manner, but how can I confine such a subject to a dismal studio?" He smiled at Julie as though Marc were not even in the room. "It is true, is it not, that you own one of the handsomest country houses in the state?" ”

“ The criminals, seeing no end of fun in this little sport, organized themselves into a team so that it might be pursued with the greatest efficiency and dispatch. Splitting themselves into cop-watchers, cop-insulters and cop-smackers, they became a yelling, yowling menace to every patrolman and peace-enforcer along the highway. As Marc continued to slumber, a chorus of sirens began to wail and shriek in the wake of the lumbering bus. Of those involved in this not-so-innocent diversion, only the bus driver was distressed. ”

“ Floss shrieked with childish glee and collapsed to the aisle in a fit of giggles.
The sirens following the bus had reached a many-throated scream before Marc finally awoke. Opening his eyes with a start, he gazed about, firmly convinced that the world had gone mad. A glance toward the front of the bus and another out the rear, however, swiftly told him the frightful truth of the matter.
"Stop that!" he yelled. "Stop it this instant!"
"Look, mister!" the bus driver hollered. "Either you quiet down those maniacs or I'm going to drive this bus right off a cliff somewhere!" ”

“ He moved in close to Toffee and put a hand casually on her shoulder. "Just call me Hotstuff Harold, honey," he murmured. "That's how I'm referred to by all my intimate friends."
"If you don't keep your grimy little paws to yourself," Toffee said evenly, "they'll soon be referring to you as 'the deceased.'"
"It's nice that you two are acquainted," Marc said sourly, "but that still doesn't solve my problem." Peering over the top of his glasses, he fixed Hotstuff Harold with a beady eye. "How do I get rid of the effects of this awful elixir of yours?" ”

“ Shrugging, Marc followed along as she started off down the street. A passing delivery boy, catching sight of the briefly-draped redhead, paused to whistle. Toffee waved at him happily and whistled back.
"Don't do that!" Marc said. "Stop attracting attention to yourself!"
Toffee grinned up at him. "It's myself that attracts attention to me," she said. "You made me that way and I must say I dearly love you for it." Glancing down the street, her gaze stopped at a tall department store building which was fronted by long, gleaming show windows. ”

“ Sergeant Feeney rasped, rushing blindly toward the hallway. "Scour the streets men! Everybody scour! Follow me!"
Thus it was that Marc and Toffee, standing before the entrance to the store, glanced casually back along the street just in time to witness a disquieting eruption of blue-clad figures from the doorway of the jail. So astonishing was the sight that they stood for a moment too long watching it; Sergeant Feeney, catching sight of them, pointed an excited finger in their direction. ”

“ A blowsy blonde named Dora, spotting a cop lounging against his motorcycle along the highway, had observed the prescribed amenities between the law and the underworld by leaning out the window and making a series of rude and meaningful gestures. Admiring Dora's finesse in this affair, her escort, a blue-jawed second-story artist named Moose, leaned out beside her and dispatched a depleted whiskey bottle at the cop's head, scoring a solid hit along side the ear. ”

“ It was Hotstuff, the ever-present eavesdropper, who spoke up. "Hey, gang, there's a wine cellar!" he announced. "Cool, huh?"
"Say," Floss drawled, sidling up to Marc, "you've really got class, huh? A wine cellar is right up my alley. The lower I get the better I like it."
Toffee stepped forward, eyes glittering. "You may get lower than you care to, doll, if you keep on like that. You may find yourself six feet under with a very dim out-look."
"Listen, sister," Floss said belligerently, "I'll tangle with you any time."
"You may never get untangled if you do," Toffee flared. ”

“ Marc said. "Let me tell you...."
"Not if it makes us accessories to the fact!" the voice came back. "I don't want to hear it. I'm putting my fingers in my ears!"
"Let's all put our fingers in our ears!" a blonde-sounding voice tittered. "It tickles!"
"Now, just a minute!" Marc yelled. "Listen! Someone here has stolen the silver and my wife's jewels, and I've got to have them back. The only thing I can do is appeal to you as a friend."
"You'd appeal to me even as an enemy," Floss giggled tipsily. "Advance, friend and be recognized."
"If he does," Toffee snarled, "he'll also be cauterized. ”

“ He turned to Toffee. "Just how are we going to explain all these people to Julie. We can't just say I asked them out for dinner."
"Well, then," Toffee said, "we'll just say you're a group of botany students on a field trip." As though that satisfactorily explained everything she started into the bus. "Heigh, ho! Oh, for a day of biology in the open air!"
"I thought you said botany," Marc said, uneasily.
"One can always hope," she said grandly. ”

“ She looked on Hotstuff with new respect, then, glancing back to Marc, pointed across the street. "See that bus?"
Tilting his glasses, Marc followed the direction of her pointing finger. Diagonally across the street was parked a large yellow sight-seeing bus of a vintage so distant as to defy memory. At the front of the bus stood a tall, cadaverous looking individual in shirt sleeves, about whom was an atmosphere of listless resignation. Inside the bus, the seats were starkly uninhabited.
"What we do," Toffee went on enthusiastically, "is hire that bus and fill it up with a lot of people. ”

“ Only five minutes later Marc and Toffee descended the steps of the jail and paused for a moment in the sun. Marc, still a little woozy in the head, waited for his thoughts to clear.
"Are you sure he gave you that key?" he asked.
"He fairly begged me to take it," Toffee said. She glanced around happily at the bright spring day. "What wonderful weather," she said. "It makes you want to buy things, doesn't it, scandalous things that hold you in just enough so that you can go all out. ”

“ Floss said interestedly.
"The police!" the skinny man moaned, unaware of Floss' roving eye. "They'll arrest us!"
"Boy," Floss said evilly, "what a place for a pair of prunin' shears!"
"Floss!" Hotstuff said severely. "This is no time for fun. The cops will be swarmin' all over us in a minute!"
"Are we just going to stand here and let them arrest us?" Toffee said.
"We're surrounded," Moose said. "We'll have to shoot our way out."
"No!" Marc yelled. "Absolutely no more shooting!"
"We nudists," the skinny man announced quaveringly, "refuse to have any part in all this." ”

“ Julie said, "don't you remember the pink lace underwear mother gave me for Christmas and how I loathed it? Well, I brought it to the country where it wouldn't matter just so I could wear it out and get rid of it."
Marc's relief came to the surface in a smile. "Then pink lace is out, huh?"
"Definitely," Julie said. "But if you insist on lingerie, get me something wicked and black. No true siren would ever dream of letting herself be caught in pink."
Marc reached across the seat and drew her close to him. "In the spring time," he said, "a young man's likely to get fancy." ”

“ Toffee said. "We've all got to get out of here!" She ran around to the door of the bus. "Open up!"
There was a crush of humanity as nudists and thugs alike struggled to climb into the palpitating bus.
"Snap into it!" the driver barked. "They're comin' in droves, those cops, and they're all sore as hell!"
Marc and Toffee stumbled to the rear of the bus and dropped into adjoining seats.
"At least we've got a running start," Toffee said breathlessly.
"Toward what, though?" Marc asked dismally. "The law thinks I'm an undesirable and my wife thinks I'm a homicidal maniac. ”

“ Marc cried.
"What a guy!" Moose growled admiringly. "You gotta practically fight him to even do him a little favor."
The band swarmed past Marc and up the steps. "We'll spread out and force him into the open!" Hotstuff yelled.
"Stop!" Marc hollered. "Don't do it! I don't want you to!"
But the last of the assassins reached the top of the steps and disappeared out the door. Marc turned hopelessly to Toffee.
"I should have stayed in jail!" he said. "I can just see the newspapers when all this is over. Julie will divorce me for certain!" ”

“ Marc said interestedly, "I guess I missed that one."
"The way people act," the woman said peevishly, "you'd think we nudists aren't decent or something."
"Nudists!" Marc yelped. "Then, you really haven't any clothes on after all!"
"Of course I haven't," the woman said self-righteously. "And you...." Suddenly a quiver of realization coursed through her plump body and, removing her hands from her eyes, she looked around at Marc with a glance of horror. Her lips parted and she screamed.
"You're dressed!" she cried. "You're the man with the gun! Get away from me. ”

“ Marc asked.
"It would give weight to your argument," Toffee said. "These Latin lovers expect jealous husbands to carry guns."
"I am not jealous," Marc said stiffly, "I'm just worried, that's all."
"In that case," Toffee said, "why don't we just wait here until they get back? We could join the party in the cellar."
"It's this spring-time daffiness that really upsets me," Marc said. "Everyone seems out of control."
"Look," Toffee said, "if they went to the woods in that direction, why don't we go to them in the other direction and let Julie do the worrying for a change. Fair's fair, isn't it?" ”

“ Toffee cried. "They heard your shot and closed in!" There was the sound of two more shots. Marc started forward, but Toffee held him back.
"Don't go out there!" she cried. "They're in a mood to shoot anything that moves!"
"But if they kill Mario, Julie will swear I did it!" Marc said. "I've got to stop them!"
Suddenly the air rattled with gunfire, this time closer at hand. In the quiet that followed there was the sound of swiftly approaching footsteps. An instant later, Moose crashed into the clearing and jounced to a stop against Marc's chest. ”

“ The fur-bearing customer and denuded model shot past him, collided with a plaster manniquin and tumbled to the floor in a frantic tangle of arms, legs and mink. The sergeant flushed furiously and turned back to his followers. "Scour lightly here, men," he said. "We don't want nobody bruised."
Taking advantage of the sergeant's momentary dismay, Marc shoved a bill into the hand of the screaming manageress, grabbed Toffee, who had now struggled into the dress, and, flanking the befuddled law, led her quickly to the stairs. ”

“ Floss said hysterically. "A lady must defend herself to the end!"
"And then what?" Toffee inquired bitterly.
Already, the trees and bushes at the end of the clearing were starting to thrash about with frenzied agitation. A tree crashed to earth and, plowing over it, in a veering rush, came the yellow sight-seeing bus. The driver, markedly foggy of eye, leaned his head out the window.
"The cops!" he yelled. "They're after me! They've been chasing me to hell and gone all over the place!" With a great grinding of brakes, the bus jolted to a stop. "I gotta get outa here!" He peered down at Marc. ”

“ There's nothin' a woman hates worse than bein' married to a respectable married man."
Mercifully, the light chose that moment to change, and Marc turned away. The nervous hand, however, again caught at his sleeve.
"Hold up, man," the little man said urgently. He produced a small brown bottle from the inner reaches of his disreputable suit. "I like to see people happy, man, and if ever I saw a guy in a bind, it's you. So, in your case, I'll make you an extra special exception. I'll give you a crack at this single last remaining bottle of genuine French Elixir." ”

“ Marc said, "they need a good talking to. It's hardly good manners to accept a man's hospitality and steal his wife's jewels."
"It was probably Floss," Toffee said vengefully. "She's got her eye out for a good thing, all right." ”

“ Hotstuff said. "Today's vacation. Besides, the gent can't see you through those glasses, so don't waste your wattage." He grinned at Marc. "She likes you, man."
"I always like to improve public relations," Floss said delicately.
"I'm much obliged," Marc said, edging away. "Well, I suppose we ought to be on our way."
"Okay, everybody!" Hotstuff yelled. "Climb aboard! We're off to mingle with nature!" He took Marc's arm and guided him to the steps. "Everybody brought a couple of bottles," he said. "All you have to do is supply the grub. Boy! ”

“ There was the sound of loud snuffling. "It kind of gets you when you stop and think about it. Who's got a rod that ain't hot?"
"Now, wait a minute!" Marc yelled. "You can't do that! It's murder!"
"But we gotta make up for the jewels, don't we?" Hotstuff said. "We gotta be honest with you, don't we?"
Already, the murderous drunks had begun to swarm out of the dimness. The blue-jawed Moose appeared brandishing a wicked looking .38. ”