Various

“ CABBY; OR, REMINISCENCES OF THE RANK AND THE ROAD. (By "Hansom Jack.")
["Gentlemen, the way to see London is from the top of a 'bus—from the top of a 'bus, gentlemen!"—Mr. Gladstone to American Visitors.]
No. VII.—'BUSSES, BILKS, AND BOOSYS.
Top of a 'bus! Well, I've nothing to say against knifeboards or garden-seats, quite the contrairy.
Looked at as look-outs on London itself, as a city, they're easy, commanding, and airy.
G. O. M. hit it in once to those Yankees. ”

“ If it were not for your mother, who forgets people's characteristics, and explains them to each other a little wrong—which often saves the situation—the day would have ended in utter want of harmony. De Verney left, pitying you, and his sister feeling sorry for Arthur. I am glad you removed—though only just in time—an absurd booby-trap Freddy had placed in Arthur's room, because Arthur had said he "romped" ”

“ But Cabby looks inside and out, and that way gits the bulge on the rest of the drivers and riders.
Moresomeover the 'busses and trams keep the main, whilst we 'Ansoms can take all the short-cuts and bye-ways;
And when you know sububs and slums, you're aware London life don't all run in the big stream of 'ighways.
Its creeks and its backwaters, ditches and dykes, they teem, fairly teem, though their dwellers—poor cusses!—
Can only just ketch the tram-bells in the distance, and ain't never bossed from the knifeboards of 'busses. ”

“ But still, if you'd view London life, as a wholer,
Not mere bricks and mortar and lamp-posts, I'll back what cute Benjamin D. called the London Gondōler.
I've drove the Grand Old One, though 'e's such a walker 'e don't give the wheels so much work as did Dizzy.
But I'd like to stick 'im some hours on my perch with my 'ed at 'is elber. Ah, then we'd be busy.
The 'bus 'as the pull of us one way, you see; our fares can't git mounting the roof; they're insiders! ”

“ De Verney, rosy-cheeked and babyish-looking, but about whom a morbid interest centres, because he collects jewels, and was said at one time to take morphia; and Miss de Verney, who "writes," and is utterly amazed and contemptuous when she finds someone who has never heard of her. ”

“ I've got somebody else's umbrella dripping down my back, and I don't complain.
The Surly P. I do, Ma'am, for, being in front, I haven't even the poor consolation of feeling that my umbrella is a nuisance to anybody.
A Sardonic P. (in the rear, politely) . On the contrary, Sir, I find it a most pleasing object to contemplate. Far more picturesque, I don't doubt, than any scenery it may happen to conceal.
A Chatty P. (to the driver; not because he cares, but simply for the sake of conversation) . What fish do you catch in that river there?
The Driver (with an effort) . ”

“ A single steed shall bear us twain."
He was ascending by a ladder! His face appeared at the window!
"Ah, darling Agatha," he said, "news was brought me of thy parlous state! But dry thy tears, my sweet! See"—he snapped the massive bars with the little finger of his left hand—"the cage is broken. Two of the swiftest Singers are saddled for us at the castle gate. Let us fly together!" ”

“ She waves her hand in farewell to some distant object.
Her Companion. That ain't her; that's an old apple-tree in the garden you're waving to. She's keeping in-doors—and shows her sense too.
The Female P. (disgusted) . Well, I do think after our being at the farm a fortnight and all, she might——But that's Scotch all over, that is; get all they can out of you, and then, for anything they care——!
The Surly P. I don't know whether you are aware of it, Ma'am, but that umbrella of yours is sending a constant trickle down the back of my neck, which is most unpleasant! ”

“ You mustn't 'ave much flesh and blood, as a Cabby, I tell you. At scrapping we're most of us 'andy;
But knockin' out nobs, as a rule, doesn't pay, when said nobs 'ave been mixing champagne and neat brandy.
The boosys and bilks try our tempers, I tell you. But tempers are luxuries, like sparrer grass is.
If you've seen a helderly, hamorous gent, on the tiddley, you know what a worriting ass is. ”

“ When it comes to a particular application of them, that you really object to you are sure to know how to act. Believe everything he says, and never correct him about details, especially not if you know you are right. ”

“ We are cattle, and Death is our drover.
Fate waits for the thrush, who's a family man,
And the bibulous bee, who's a rover.
No more this week. I am flying from a country where September fails to provide anything but sunshine. Perhaps in Switzerland there may be snow and a sweet foretaste of winter. At any rate, I am off to find out for myself. My next "Roundabout Reading" will be done in the country of Cantons. I shall study the Referendum face to face!
"In re Diggle v. the Progressives."—Mr. Diggle says, as long as ratepayers support the Progressives, the rates will increase. ”

“ Why, they ask, should money be given to farmers and not to fishers? The Cork Constitution, however, goes to the root of things by saying that "want of enterprise and thrift," not want of pence, leads to Irish fish being caught by the anglers of Dieppe. The State has already constructed improved harbours and light railways. It is for the fisher-folk to respond by getting boats and nets, and using them ”

“ You won't knock 'is 'ead off! It's tempting, I know, and sometimes you would give twice the fare for the pleasure;
But squiffy old gents are the magistrates' pets, they've got money—at 'ome—and, what's more, lots of leisure! ”

“ The privilege of musical genius? No. Give it up? Yes. Then read on. "The greatest privilege of my life is that His Royal Highness will, at my request, tell you what he thinks of the chorus." O immortal Jabberwock!
"O frabjous day! Callooh! Callay!
He chortled in his joy."
Whereupon H. R. H. observed, most discreetly, "It is not for me to make criticisms; that I leave to your amiable conductor." Bee-ew-tiful!! This chorus will "get a bit above itself." Dangerous precedent, O amiable conductor!
[Pg 178]
SCENES AT THE UGANDA EXHIBITION OF 1900. ”

“ Chance for Philanthropists!—Absolutely Given Away!! After-season Clearance. Professional Man wishes to part with the last of a large assortment of Indigent Relatives. Excellent Opening for Capitalist. ”

“ They would appeal to any Mother's Heart. Must reduce establishment. Would hand over to any young Married Couple with a Vacancy. Will take Fox-terrier or Prize Bantam.—"Pater," Letter Box 8 W.
Will Anyone oblige me with a Third Cousin-Twice-Removed, as my collection of specimens is incomplete? Have Half-step-sister-in-law (very rare variety, and very little worn) to spare.—"G.," "Family Tree" Inn, Hanwell.
George has a Smart and Good-looking Sister, whom he would be glad to swap for some Other Fellow's Sister, of similar appearance. Best Man also wanted.—Address, Bray House, Strand. ”