Various

“ Think before you answer." "Why should I," said Eglantine; "are you not a fellow-creature?" "A fellow-creature!" screamed Kipper. "Don't you know that I am a goblin, a mischievous goblin, a good-for-nothing goblin?" "O! no," answered Eglantine, simply; "I only know that you have the right to be made happy, as has every creature on earth." ”

“ Many years ago, in 1895, our esteemed contemporary, the Daily Graphic, suggested the appointment of a Minister of Fine Arts. This seemingly admirable scheme was soon after carried out. The first Minister was a cautious man. His one great improvement, which met with universal approval, was to remove all the statues and fountains from every part of London, and to place them in a row on Romney Marsh, from Dungeness to Hythe, where they would undoubtedly scare away any French army endeavouring to land. ”

“ Every person interested said, or wrote, what he thought, or knew, or did not think, or did not know, about architecture, and taste, and art in general. The Academy of Arts, the Society of Antiquaries, and the Institute of Architects, hitherto sedate bodies, became so excited that free fights occurred almost daily in the neighbourhood of Burlington House, and on the waste land in Oxford Street. In every newspaper "The Improvement of Oxford Street" was discussed vigorously. ”

“ These troubles caused great grief to Eglantine and her parent, and ruin stared them in the face; and, when ruin stares, there is not often a back way out of the difficulty. Very sad, therefore, was the poor girl as she approached the place of Kipper's disaster. But directly she saw what had happened she forgot all her own troubles, and, with many words of pity, extricated the stagbeetle from the stones. ”

“ But while we are discussing politics Kipper and the stagbeetle are still in danger. Although the stagbeetle kicked with all his might he found that it only injured his horns, and so, like many other creatures not of a gambling nature, lay still and trusted to chance. As to Kipper, he was as motionless as a schoolboy's watch. But about a quarter-of-an-hour after the accident a pretty young maiden, named Eglantine, came tripping along the road. She was not one of those girls who know that they are nice, because no one had ever told her so, and she was too poor to afford a looking-glass. ”

“ The great situation of the piece is brought about by a gentleman (in the best sense of the word, as far as we can judge up to this point) permitting his infernally jealous wife—there is no other epithet for her except "infernally"—to conceal herself on purpose to overhear a conversation between himself and her supposed rival! Analogous situations in broad farce and farcical comedy are frequent and permissible: but surely not in a drama of real life. But then, I remind me, that this drama is Ibsenitish; which does make a difference. ”

“ At once there arose a universal cry that safety and space were more important than style. The new Minister was beginning to widen some of the narrow thoroughfares, when his party went out of office. The work has not been continued by the present Minister, who is considering a scheme for the improvement of London by the erection of fountains and statues. Meanwhile the Oxford Street site is still vacant, and no improvements are attempted elsewhere. ”

“ He is a gentle, amiable creature, without any pose, and with (as I know now) not the very smallest intention or desire to steal the heart of one who belonged to another. It would be difficult to find anyone less likely than Percival to break up—let us say, for instance, a happy English home. Arthur thought otherwise; to Arthur, Percival seemed a Don Juan, a gay Lothario, a very Lovelace, the most dangerous of young troubadours. And he glared—really, glared is the only word—so much while I talked to poor young Percival that I, also, actually began to think there must be something in it ”

“ The second Minister tried to introduce the so-called "Queen Anne," or Dutch architecture, and prepared a scheme for altering the whole of London. As a beginning, the north side of Oxford Street, from Holborn to the Marble Arch, was completely transformed. Along the whole distance stretched a fantastic row of red-brick buildings, the surface of which was diversified at every possible point by useless little windows, and little arches, and little projections, and little recesses, and little balustrades. ”

“ No. X.—COMICALITY IN CABLAND—"CARROTTY CHOLLOP" —A TALE OF A "TENNER."
London is not only gloomy and ghostish, at least Cabby's London is not, by a dollop,
But chock-full of fun. Wot is fun you may ask. Well, I'd like to refer you to "Carrotty Chollop"!
Spot arf-a-dozen of street-boys or gutter-snipes doin' a skylark or slum double-shuffle,
And you'll find one of 'em a native born comique who'll make you crack sides with a kick or a snuffle.
Same with a cab-rank! There's mostly one cove with a mug like a clown's, needing no chalk or scarlet;
"Carrotty Chollop" 's a natural grin-maker ”

“ Neatly put, and even from a utilitarian standpoint it may be well to remember that as much money may be brought into Scotland by a thousand tourists wanting to view the Falls, as by a single company wanting to ruin them. ”

“ When the next Government came into office all the houses on the South side of Oxford Street were pulled down, and everyone said that at last we should have an imposing row of buildings. Unfortunately a difficulty arose. The new Minister of Fine Arts was only interested in gardening, and hardly knew one style of architecture from another. ”

“ Ah! the world's tenners are sprinkled unreglar; but talent does not always follow the money,
And many a comique at ten quid a week, though much fatter than Chollop, is not arf as funny.
Note from the Opera.—Dash my Ludwig, but this artist is mighty good as the Flying Dutchman at Covent Garden. Likewise Madame Duma, as Senta, enthusiastically applauded and showered with bouquets. And that Dudley Buck, too! Delightful name for a lady-killing lover is the Deadly Buck, who appropriately played the forester Erik in love with Senta. Capital performance and first-rate house. ”

“ I will wait until the performance is given, and judge for myself."
"I am sorry I cannot assist you to carry out this scheme," declared the Manager of the Progressive Music Hall, "because we are not going to have an entertainment."
"No, of course not. Of course it won't be an entertainment in the usual sense of the word. It can't naturally be an entertainment—I should have said a performance."
"But we give neither entertainment nor performance." ”

“ The times are distinctly utilitarian and prosaic, and yet we have not all progressed up, or down, to the level of the man who sees nothing in a grand cataract beyond so much horse-power running to waste. ”

“ Trying's no good, for you can't learn the comic; it comes, like a knowledge of 'osses, spontanyus.
And if without props, with the flags for a stage, you can make people laugh—well, that's wot I call janyus.
Roberts and Penley theirselves can't do more. Tell you "Carrotty Chollop" can "gag," and no error.
To bumptious 'bus drivers and 'igh-'anded bobbies and fussy old toffs 'e's a fair 'oly terror.
Never says nothink offensive—not Chollop!—'e's far too hartistic, 'is voice soft as gruel ”

“ You see, we cable over to the Associated Press full particulars of the imaginary kick-off, and they look it out in the Code—which doesn't generally take more than ten minutes—and wire back their return kick (also imaginary) , with name, age, weight, and address of the kicker. This is generally repeated as a security against the risk of error. The charge for repetition is one-half the charge for transmission, any fraction of one penny less than a halfpenny being reckoned as one halfpenny, according to the admirable wording of the Post Office rules. ”

“ I see here's another talks of "Home Life," and another of the "Morals of Money Spending."
Workman's Wife. Haw! haw! haw! Morals o' money spending, indeed! If these 'ere torky lydies 'ad got as little money to spend as we 'ave, and as many mouths to fill with it, 'tisn't the morals on it as 'ud trouble 'em. When the wealthy 'uns begin to patter of morals to us poor trash, they mostly mean meanness, I reckon. ”

“ Sharp as a weasel, and slippy as jelly, 'e's got such a manner of landing 'is wheezes
As makes the most wooden-chumped constable snigger behind 'is own cuff; then it's go as 'e pleases!
Actor? 'E's good as a pantermine, Chollop is. 'E can play simple and soft as a babby;
Make you emagine 'e's some gawping chawbacon 'stead of a hartful and up-to-date Cabby.
Struck a bright once. At the risk of 'is life stopped a runaway carriage. Old gent, name o' Jenner,
Told 'im to call at 'is 'ouse the next day; and, when Chollop turned up, old gent tipped 'im a tenner! ”

“ No trouble with publishers or booksellers, entirely a ready-money trade, done over the counter in one's own drawing-room."
"Then all these books are your own work?" I asked.
"Of course; you don't suppose I'm fool enough to sell other people's goods? Of course I keep a large ready-made stock, and turn out others to order as required. And, as you're here, do just buy——" At this point I fled. ”

“ The dramatist intends most of his leading characters to be repulsively sordid, vulgar, and selfish, and those who are not so are amiable, but weak. The first heroine, perfectly played by Miss Winifrid Emery, is a fast member of a fast family as badly brought up as La famille Benoîton, the vain, frivolous mother being well portrayed by Miss Lindley ”

“ With neither heroine is sympathy possible. Another splendid comedy performance is that of Miss Rose Leclercq, as the Bishop's wife, a character whose original is to be found in Anthony Trollope's Barchester Towers, from which I will quote a specimen passage, and ask those who have seen The Benefit of the Doubt whether it does not sum up in brief Mr. Pinero's characters of Mrs. Cloys and her husband the Bishop ”

“ These two lighten up the gloom of the Second Act for a brief space, and then are heard no more; yet the scene in which they strut their short ten minutes on the stage is one of the best imagined, and best stage-managed as regards "business," in a piece where every detail has been considered and not a point lost. For acting, for dialogue, for character (granting these to be what the author of their being has made them) , this unpleasant play ranks with the best of the dramas from, what Mrs. ”

“ Lookee 'ere, Liz, don't you talk about the old man being cumpny, not till you know wot sich "cumpny" is. You never got a black heye like this; and do you 'appen to know 'ow a kick from a 'obnailed 'ighlow feels in the ribs? ”