Various

“ She spends her mornings in the keeping of a diary, or the writing of a novel, in which she appoints herself to the post of heroine, and endows her creation with a superhuman combination of unappreciated qualities. From the fact that her husband spends a large part of each day away from her, either in attending to his business or in following a sport, she infers that he has ceased to love her. When he returns in the evening, she locks herself into her room, and, having thus assured to herself solitude, she converts it, by an easy process, into the studied neglect of an unfeeling husband. ”

“ Brown says the dearest object of his life is to welcome Stanley. Can't I take him with me? (This on learning the nature of my expedition.) He is off to Canada to-morrow—early. More sorry than I can say—impossible. Only invitation for "one." One, myself. He sighs and we part—it may be for years, it may be for ever. Sorrowful, but cheered up by party in special train. Everybody in great spirits going to welcome Stanley. Dearest object of everybody's life. To pass the time tell one another stories of adventure. ”

“ The Martyr Incomprise is one who, having in her home erected a stake, ties to it her husband, and then having set alight the faggots which her own hands have piled round him, calls the world to witness the saint-like fortitude with which she bears up under the sufferings inflicted upon her by her lord and master. She will have been married to a man who, though he does not pretend to be above the ordinary frailties and failings of human nature, tries honestly, for many years, to make her happy. ”

“ Into their sympathetic ears she pours the story of her woes, and gradually organises them into a trained band of disciplined conspirators, who make it their constant object to defend the wife by thwarting the husband. They have their signs and their pass-words. If the callous male, for the enjoyment of whose hospitality they seem to gain an additional zest by affecting to despise and defy him, should intimate at the dinner-table that he has ventured to make some arrangement without consulting them, they will raise their eyebrows, and look pityingly at the wife. ”

“ The Martyr is a very virtuous lady, yet she is not satisfied with the calm and acknowledged possession of her virtues. She adds them to her armoury of aggravation, and uses them with a deadly effect. Her morality is irreproachable. She studies to make it a reproach to her husband, and, inasmuch as her temper is equally compounded of the most persistent obstinacy, and the most perverse and unaccountable caprices, it is unnecessary to say that she succeeds marvellously in her undertaking. ”

“ Having met a young man who fully realises her ideal in the latter particular, she promptly assumes his possession of the former, and accepts his proposal of marriage. After having all but thrown him over on three or four occasions for an insufficient display of romantic devotion at dances and tennis parties, she eventually marries him. Soon afterwards she discovers that he is not a chivalrous wind-bag, but a Man, whereupon she shatters his pedestal, and abandons herself to misery amidst the ruins.
And now the full joys of her married martyrdom begin. ”

“ After some years of this life her husband will have acquired the reputation of a domestic ruffian. Friends will shake their heads, and wonder how long his sweet wife will bear up against his treatment. It will be reported, on the authority of imaginary eye-witnesses, that he has thrown a soup-plate at her, and that, on more than one occasion, he has beaten her. He will find himself shunned, and will be driven for society and pleasure to his bachelor haunts. ”

“ If her husband should invite one or two of his friends to dinner on a subsequent occasion, she will amuse herself and madden him by recounting to them this incident, in which she will figure as a suffering angel, whose wings have moulted under the neglect and cruel treatment of an unangelic spouse. If, while her story is in progress, she should observe her husband writhing, she will inform him that she is sure he must be sitting in a draught, and will order the butler to place a screen behind him. ”

“ EVER since it became known that, in conformity with the general interest in the condition of the Stock and Share Market, now manifested by all classes of readers, you had determined to start your own special "Corner," for the purpose of keeping your eye on the matter, and had appointed me as your "City Commissioner," if I have been flooded with applications from Stock-jobbers, tendering their advice, I may say I have been literally overwhelmed by applications from clients and outsiders, asking me for mine. ”

“ Since it is incredible that the economic balance can be universally disturbed by local changes, and always in one direction, we must assume a kind of moral contagion as an efficient agent in the wide-spread demand for a revision, of wages and hours of labour. Identical theories and demands, preferred simultaneously in Austria, Germany, France, England, and America, must be largely due to the force of example operating through the modern facility of communication. ”

“ Ought he to have hanged the architect instead of encouraging him? Always doing things for the best, and they turn out the very worst. Been occasionally misunderstood; but did, at least, think that London would be grateful for this emanation from the heated architectural mind.
"Looks so like a carbuncle suddenly developed on Embankment, with the stately Thames swirling below, that I really thought they would like it," said Home Secretary, mopping his furrowed brow. "But there are some people, Toby, who are never pleased, and prominent among them are the people of London." ”

“ Joseph Hatton exposes the cruelties of Muscovite rule in the most trenchant yet entertaining fashion. The headings to the chapters (to say nothing of their contents) are exciting to a degree, and consequently it is not altogether surprising that the Russian officials, possibly hearing that the three handsome volumes might cause a revolution, should have refused them admission to the Emperor's dominions. Be this as it may, in each of the aforesaid handsome volumes appears a slip of yellow paper, announcing that "it is prohibited by the Government of the Czar from circulation in Russia." ”

“ Her increasing liabilities will afford her no anxiety, seeing that her sense of martyrdom increases in proportion, and that in her heart of hearts she knows that her husband is prepared to pay everything, and will eventually have to do so. ”

“ It is curious to note that, although the Martyr, at an early period of her married life, developes a distaste for going into society, which she attributes to the persecution of her husband; yet she always contrives to spend as much money as those who live in a whirl of gaiety. ”

“ She will weave romances, in order to enjoy the delicious sensation of looking on as she withers under injustice into a premature coffin, and of watching her cruel parents as they water the grave of their victim with unavailing tears. ”

“ How far preferable, in the summer and autumn season, would be an evening bill of fare consisting of three entrées, each of a different character, and all of first-rate quality. The patron of the drama could pick and choose, and be satisfied with an hour, or two hours, or three hours' entertainment. How much better for the actor's art, too, by way of varying his rôles. The stall people would rather pay the present price of half a guinea for anything, however short, which it was the fashion to see, than for a long piece which only bores them. ”

“ As a girl, the Martyr will have been distinguished by a keen sense of wrong, and a total lack of all sense of humour. Having been rebuked by her mother for some trifling fault, she will persuade herself that her parents detest her, and desire her death. ”

“ When you have to suggest that a political adversary was privy to the putting-away of his grandmother, do it rather in sorrow than in anger, and if you can find or make an opportunity of saying at the same time a kind word for one of his colleagues, seize it. ”

“ Though I have several stocks in prospective, the movements of which I am watching most attentively, I have, I confess, hardly got things into proper working order yet, but I have a grand scheme on foot that will, I fancy, take the wind out of the sails of many hitherto successful Stockdealers. ”

“ I have public duties to perform, and if, in the course of my comments on racing, I should find myself occasionally compelled to run counter to the imbecile prejudices of some of the aristocratic patrons of the turf, I can assure my readers that I shall not flinch from the task. ”

“ Guthrie's Pariah, and as those who remember Theodore Hook's novel have pitied that wretched little cad, Jack Brag. The part is not equal to Aunt Jack's Solicitor, and had Mr. Grossmith, by the kind permission of Mr. Pinero, departed from the conventional Adelphi and Drury Lane type of comic Hebraic money-lender, he would have done better. The piece is played with the burlesque earnestness that characterised the first performances of Engaged at the Haymarket, which piece the Scotch accent recalls to the playgoer's memory. No one can possibly feel any interest in the lovers. ”

“ Man who was in the Franco-German War explains how he would have defended Metz if he had been Bazaine. Man who went through the Soudan (perhaps a trifle jealous) , says if he had been Bazaine he wouldn't have defended Metz at all, because Bazaine was a traitor. Row imminent, so cut in with my adventure in a life-boat. Graphic account. Ship springing a-leak; men at the pumps; boats given up to the women and children. ”

“ At the same time it must be remembered, that Sister Mary only got home by a length from Smockfrock, after having been double-girthed and provided with a bucket of Pocock's antiseptic, anti-crib-biting condition balls for internal application over the Newmarket T. Y. C.
Next week, I may have something to say about Derby prospects. For the present, I can only advise would-be investors to steer clear of Mr. Jeremy and his quacking, goose-headed parasites. ”

“ Suffice it to say, that I have a "Combination Pool" in my eye, that if I can only carry out with the right sort of stock, ought to make the fortune of every one concerned.
Charles Wynd'em Up.
Theatrical Short Service Bill.—Charles the Second (Wyndham) is following in the footsteps of Charles the First (Mathews) and beginning to play several short pieces as one entertainment, instead of giving a three-act farce or comedy, and one brief and unimportant curtain-raiser. At least, he is Trying It On. ”

“ Melancholy music; to which Tommy and Jane, after a few convulsive movements, gradually become inanimate. Enter old Farmer Copeer from gate, carrying a large bottle labelled "Cattle Medicine."
Farmer C.
It's time I gave the old bay mare her drench. ”

“ Stanley, who discovers the sauce of the lobster, and takes it with his salmon. Rejoicings.
Monday.—Ceremony of changing sentinels at Buckingham Palace. Every sentinel very much changed after the operation. Opening of a New Book by Mr. H. M. Stanley. Mrs. Snooks's first dance, if she has learnt it in time for to-night.
Tuesday.—Preparations for to-morrow. The Platelayers' annual festival, Robert, the Waiter, in the chair. Reception by Mr. H. M. Stanley, of a parcel from his tailor's. Usual banquets, dances, races, excursions, alarums.
Wednesday.—Mr. Punch comes out stronger than ever. ”