Various

“ It was the knowledge of this last fact which cast a shade of troubled anxiety upon the faces of Strephon Smith and Amaryllis Jones as they paced up and down the garden on the eve of the annual examination. Their engagement had been a long one, for twice had Amaryllis entered for the Tripos, and twice had been hopelessly ploughed. Should she fail once more on the morrow——
"Nay, my Amaryllis," cried the faithful Strephon, "look not so downcast. Failure? it is impossible! Have not I coached you carefully in all the subjects? ”

“ Kipper looked upon men, women, and children as wretched beings, who worried themselves without any necessity—poor creatures, whose only object in life appeared to be to endeavour to make one another miserable, and discontented with their very existence. Therefore he regarded them no more than he would newts and lizards. Indeed, he often told the stagbeetle that he had far more respect for a newt, because he could develop an orange waistcoat, whereas a man could not keep his chest warm without robbing another animal of its skin or wool. ”

“ One fine day, however, when Kipper had partaken somewhat too freely of some fine wild honey, which he had found in an old oak, an accident occurred to the reckless, rash rider. On his way home he had to pass by Stoney Cross, and it so happened that the road was being mended, and a huge heap of granite lay by the wayside. Nothing would satisfy Kipper but that he must leap this mound, and so he told the stagbeetle to put forth all his strength. The poor creature besought his master not to risk both their lives, but Kipper was as hard as a pond after a six weeks frost. ”

“ All those who aspired to them had to enter for the Tripos held once a year under the supervision of the State, and to pass a rigorous examination in Household Arithmetic, Domestic Economy, Etiquette, and other subjects. Only those who obtained a first class were allowed to marry noblemen or millionaires, those who got a second might mate with a peer's younger son or a baronet, while those hapless ones who failed to get a third were absolutely prohibited from matrimony, although occasionally one or two who narrowly missed taking honours were allowed a detrimental by the examiners. ”

“ Why should Glasgow Wait?—The average time taken by a telegram to get from Glasgow to London, or vice versâ, is twenty-nine minutes, and the cry of the Glasgow Chamber of Commerce, in consequence, is "More wires!" The Chamber does not mind if they are overhead wires; all it objects to is, overdue wires. ”

“ When the real Professor had been liberated and came to look over Amaryllis's work, a slight difficulty arose. The law insisted that one who had answered with such perfect correctness must marry a peer, while Strephon was but a humble commoner. ”

“ And if any ghost should make free with my Forder—I 'ope I could look the spook fair in the face.
I' ave saved lives by a hopportune hurry-up; so I imagine 'ave most of my mates.
'Ansoms are everywhere, like London sparrers, and five minutes' start sometimes dodges the fates.
Gratitude don't grow on every gooseberry bush, and to 'ave just saved a life or a leg
Mayn't mean a fiver, or even a fare, but wot flaviour it gives your next corfee and hegg!
I 'ave one "regular," crippled but rich, as I saved—so 'e says—from a fur worser fate. ”

“ The school-boy of to-day—what, after all, is Hecuba to him, or he to Hecuba?—is no longer to waste his time in poring over the musty classics! "He is to take an intelligent interest in other subjects than the dead languages," says Truth, which proceeds to give "as well worthy of being held up as a model for imitation elsewhere," the contents of an up-to-date examination paper, upon current events, recently set at Rugby school. This modern move is, doubtless, an excellent thing, but one which may be carried too far ”

“ But what 'e reeled out o'er 'is rum-'ot to-night was a gospel-true tale of a old Haunted Cab.
"Gospel-true, on my davy," is Tommy's pet clincher. "Ah, Jack," 'e grumped out, as 'e stoppered 'is bowl
With a forefinger brown as a rusty old spike; "you young chirpers ain't go neither fancy nor soul.
Hagnostical lot, you smart 'Ansoms, as think you are Huxleys on wheels, I 'ave not the least doubt,
But why ain't a cab just as like as a castle to 'ave its own ghost? ”

“ As to the lizards, they only came out when they could bask in the sun; whereas a man had to pick up and kindle sticks to keep his ugly body warm, and cook his poisonous food.
Now if Kipper could be said to enjoy anything, it was the leaping of big obstacles when mounted on the stagbeetle. He thought nothing of taking a clump of dock leaves, or of flying or sailing over a thick bush of prickly gorze. It cannot be said that the stagbeetle enjoyed the jumping as much as his master did ”

“ Well, she is a fare as I'd not lose for somethink, though bob-less; I'd much sooner drive 'er for love!
At the Aquarium the highly trained and well-educated horse, Alpha, finishes a wonderful performance by being dressed up as a nurse, and wheeling a pony, Little Beta, about in a perambulator. Clever Alpha shouldn't be allowed to end by making such a donkey of himself. One of these days he'll be beaten by little Beta. ”

“ Quæ cum ita sint, the dramatic critics have been very naturally asking one another why they alone should toil and moil (the "midnight oil" irresistibly suggests itself as a pleasing and perfectly appropriate rhyme) without any recognition beyond the vulgar one of a money-payment, sufficient, no doubt, to keep them in bread and beer, ties, clothes, collars, and cuffs, but utterly inadequate when considered as a reward for the services they perform on behalf of Art and the Drama. One thing led to another (it generally does) ”

“ The unhappy victim had no resource but to start life afresh as he best could, with new struggles to face, new lenders thus to victimise him—and new capital (a paltry equivalent!) wherewith to mourn his hopeless loss of memory. It was observed that these sufferers were subject to recurrent attacks of the amnesia bacillus. Some scientific alienists went so far as to maintain that the complaint was no new one, but had been prevalent, in a more or less virulent form, ever since the first leather coinage was invented.
The Woman with a Past was the next to succumb. ”

“ The Ventriloquist perseveres a little longer, though even his own belief in the dummies seems to be shaken, and at length he gives them up as hopeless, and carries them off ignominiously, [pg 197] one under each arm. Whereupon the party breathe freely once more, only to gasp in impotent horror the next moment, as the irrepressible Young Man returns with a smaller figure, modelled and dressed to represent an almost inconceivably repulsive infant. ”

“ Owing to the tide, they have had to land and re-embark in small boats through a rather choppy bit of sea, the consequence being that the majority of the party—though not indisposed—are inclined to prefer meditation to moving about, probably on the principle of "letting sleeping dogs lie." After Flamborough Head has been rounded, a young man in a frock coat and a cloth cap, who has hitherto been regarded as perfectly inoffensive, suddenly brings out a pair of plush-covered tables from behind the funnel, and reveals himself in the unwelcome character of a professional conjuror. ”

“ IX.—PECKERS-UP!—ANTI-PRIG PHILOSOPHY—"TOMMY THE THUMPER"'S TALES—THE HAUNTED CAB.
"Sort o' parson one time, if all stories is true."
A Cabby may be this or that; 'e's a chap as the world is much given to slang or to chaff;
But there's one blessed boon as is usually 'is, 'e can do—what your prigs seldom can—a fair laugh.
I 'ave known a good few of all sorts in my time; some scarce fit for to tool a old Sawbones's gig,
Some as smart as they're made ”

“ Q. What is the customary fate of the heroine after the leading situation?
A. On rare occasions, suicide "off." But the usual exit is a retreat in rear of the clergy.
Q. What is the customary effect of the Problem Play?
A. That for a considerably longer time than nine days it is a wonder. Every one talks about it, and many see it during that period. When the wonder is exhausted according to precedent the cause of the amazement is forgotten.
Q. And, when this last season arrives, what does the author do?
A. A dramatist, having written one Problem Play, usually writes another. ”

“ Sir Augustus Anglo-Operaticus has done well at Covent Garden, and will probably go one better. To Miss Alice Esty, as Elsa, in Lohengrin, we say "Esty perpetua." All are good: and the houses have been apparently as good as the company. A season of German-French-Italian Opera in English is a risky venture for a winter season; still, if successful, and at popular prices, there is in it good promise for the future. ”

“ I 'ave 'ere, ladies and gentlemen, a gingerbeer bottle, just a plain stone gingerbeer bottle of a pattern no doubt familiar to you all. (He produces it, and it appears to be generally unpopular, as if it called up reminiscences of revelry which some would willingly forget.) I will now pass it around in order that you may satisfy yourselves that it is what it appears to be. (To a Somnolent Excursionist in a corner.) Will you oblige me, Sir, by kindly taking it in your 'and?
The Somnolent Excursionist (who seems to be under the impression that he is being offered refreshment) . Eh? gingerbeer? ”

“ And many a chap must drive 'ard through a sleet-storm when fur better fitted for blankets and nurse.
Your fare snugged inside may be grumpy and growly, a crack in the winder will give 'im the 'ump;
But you mustn't cuss, though you're soaked to your socks, and the rheumatiz racks your poor back at each bump.
Stillsomever to take the lot smilin' 's our motter, though sometimes the smile sets a mossel askew.
Old "Tommy the Thumper"'s just left me. Queer egg! Sort o' parson one time, if all stories is true. ”

“ The dramatic critics, it would appear, have been for some time past in a state of dissatisfaction. A newspaper proprietor has been turned into a peer; editors in profusion have journeyed down to Windsor as very plain misters, and, having been tapped upon the shoulder with cold steel, have returned to the bosoms of their families as knights ”

“ Then Sir Edward wittily explained that the fault lay with the public. Suitors could select their own advocates, and there were plenty of men practising at the Bar who would gladly accept a brief, for a very moderate fee, should the services of a better-known colleague be retained in some other matter. Mr. ex-Solicitor is perfectly right. There are such men. For instance, I myself, should Sir Edward wish it, would willingly assist him. ”

“ Upon this the Young Man recognises that his conjuring fails to charm, and retires to the funnel in apparent discomfiture.
Excursionists (to one another) . Card-tricks are all very well in their proper place ”