Henry Louis Mencken

“ An officer appointed to mislead, restrain, hynotize, cajole, seduce, browbeat, flabbergast and bamboozle a jury in such a manner that it will forget all the facts and give its decision to the best lawyer. The objection to judges is that they are seldom capable of a sound professional judgment of lawyers. The objection to lawyers is that the best are the worst. ”

“ One who believes that God notes the fall of a sparrow and is shocked half to death by the fall of a Sunday-school superintendent; one who is willing to serve three Gods, but draws the line at one wife.
Christian Science. The theory that, since the sky rockets following a wallop in the eye are optical delusions, the wallop itself is a delusion and the eye another. ”

“ Any citizen with influence enough to get his old mother a job as charwoman in the City Hall.
Popularity. The capacity for listening sympathetically when men boast of their wives and women complain of their husbands. ”