Jane Helen Findlater

“ Phil and Carrie were perhaps the happiest man and woman in London that night. And Sebastian Shepley, watching their joy, entered into it and saw in them the bright end of a dark story.
Ah, untraceable jugglery of Time, and Change, and Fate! In all the arts of the conjurer is no trickery like this; from pain and dishonour and treachery, and broken hearts and blighted hopes, from such a soil life sends up her fresh and vigorous shoots, the immortal blossomings of the tree that cannot wither, whose leaves shall surely, at some far-off day, heal the nations! ”

“ You’ll not make me believe as how you are wedding for love, sir.’
‘I—I am very fond of you,’ Meadowes began, but Anne stopped him impatiently.
‘Not you, sir. I’m rarely fine-looking, an’ men be terrible fools. You’ve a mind to marry—that’s short and long for it,—but for love——’
The silence that Anne ended her sentence with was more expressive than words. Then she turned and laid her hand in his.
‘Here, sir,’ she said, ‘I’ll ask no questions. Mayhap you’ve had your story like myself. Leastways you’ve been kind to me, and I’ll be a good wife to you if you’re wishful to marry with me. ”

“ It was frankly impossible that this could be the end of Philip Meadowes and all his ambitions! of the beautiful life he and Carrie had meant to live together, of that passion clean and hot as flame that burned between them! Impossible! impossible!
And then, even above this cry of the heart, rose that keener note of anguish, that supreme utterance of the soul, the terror of unfulfilment. It lurks in every man, this protest of vitality against encompassing and ever encroaching mortality, and has its roots in life itself. With most men the feeling is quite unformulated and vague. ”

“ Anne leaned from the window and listened to these songs that went up so straight into the dim blue morning skies. A great fear held her fast,—the fear that Dick, her husband, her helper, had deceived her. In her dismay and bewilderment she could only repeat again and again, ‘Lord help me, Lord help me,’ scarcely knowing what she said. Then, afraid to lie down again, she dressed and went down-stairs and into the garden. Far off on the London road she heard the distant trotting of a horse and the roll of wheels; some one must be driving along in the quiet morning dimness. ”

“ Time wore on, summer merged into autumn, and still Anne had never spoken once to Meadowes about Sebastian Shepley; they were the best of friends, Anne welcomed his coming and mourned at his going, but without a trace of sentiment, as Meadowes found himself forced to admit. Men do not like a want of sentiment in women: they may condone it in their own sex, it is considered an essential in ours; so Meadowes, who had never blamed himself for lacking this quality, found it in his heart to be surprised and a little indignant with Anne for doing so. ”

“ Where doth the advantage lie of loving aught but oneself? There’s no return for love, and a fool I’ve been to sacrifice myself for any man. ’Tis the last lesson I needed. All these fine theories we dealt in in our youth, theories of “love” and “sacrifice” and so on, are purest moonshine. But with the last shreds of belief I had in them, goes my last shred of caring for life.’
‘Tush, Meadowes! I must reason with you,’ said Prior. ‘A man at your time of life to speak thus! Come, Philip hath treated you shamefully, like the young scoundrel that he is. ”

“ I’ll take you as I know you, sir, and trust you but so far as I sees you.’
‘But you will trust me, Anne?’ he said.
‘No. I’ll never trust no man again this side time. But I’ll come an’ live along of you, sir, if so be I’m done with work and care for ever.’
‘Anne, Anne, do not be so bitter,’ said Meadowes. Anne stood looking at him silently for a moment, then she laughed.
‘ ’Tis like I’m marrying you for love, sir?’ she said.
‘Well, I have done what I could for you,’ said Meadowes (but he blushed hotly as he spoke. ‘I am a devil,’ he said to himself) . ”

“ Flesh of her flesh, bone of her bone—and Annie cold in her grave these twenty years! How say some among us that there is no resurrection? This is, instead, a world of resurrections, in which that man or woman is fortunate who can succeed in burying the past so deep that it cannot rise. Phil and Carrie, hot with their own impatient young desires, were only irritated by Sebastian’s silence. How could they guess at that blinding back-flash of memory that held him silent at sight of Phil? How could they hear the voice Sebastian heard—an urgent tearful voice, ‘Phil, that hath gotten half my soul’ ”

“ Anne smiled again her curious smile, and shook her head.
‘A strange man you be for certain, Dick,’ she said; ‘kind an’ tender when you’ve a mind to be, and one as feels quick. She paused before adding slowly, ‘And just as false as hell.’
Meadowes winced under the words, but he went on, ‘False or no, Anne, I must provide for you—for you and the child.’
‘For the child mayhap, never for me,’ said Anne. ‘You’d best see after him, for he’ll be set down to your account when all things is squared. ”

“ For Carrie, to her want of intellectuality, added a supreme carelessness, which was agonising to her conventional parent. If she had been an incapable girl it would have been different; but Carrie was far from incapable. When she chose, no girl of her age could accomplish any household task better. Yet, where it was a question of pleasure, Carrie would fling aside every duty and amuse herself without a thought. She had indeed a whole-heartedness of joy in living, that would have reconciled almost any one except Mrs. Shepley to her heedless ways. ”

“ She had smilingly accepted flowers and attention from many a man before it occurred to her that other women might be wanting them instead.
‘Just singe your wings, my dear butterfly,’ said Phil, ‘then you will understand what the candle is.’
‘Philip, it must be from your father you take such base views of human nature,’ said Carrie. ‘For certainly you have not lived long enough yourself to learn such views. ’Tis not my fault that I am good-looking, and I do not believe for a moment that other women dislike me for it.’
‘Wait—ah, just wait, Carrie. ”

“ But his breath was taken away by Phil’s response—
‘Clever? yes, deucedly clever. I hate clever women, and if you like ’em, sir, you’re the first man that ever did!’
‘ ’Pon my soul!’ exclaimed Meadowes, with a long whistle of astonishment; then he added severely, ‘If you do not like Lady Hester, Phil, you do very wrong to trifle with her affections, as you have been doing this many a day.’
‘ ’Tis, as you say, sir, an unpardonable sin to play a woman false—may Heaven forbid I should fall into it!’ said Phil in pious tones, and Meadowes, as he met the boy’s bright eyes, turned uneasily away. ”

“ Sebastian on his part owned that Emma was occasionally quite exasperating to him; but he also acknowledged her entire goodness of heart and the excellence of her housekeeping. Their marriage in fact was just one of the ordinary ruck of marriages; not unhappy, not ideal—merely a little disappointing to Emma, a little hardening and coarsening to Sebastian. The great bone of contention was of a social nature. For gentility was dear as life itself to Emma, while to Sebastian all the little affectations and conventions which his wife valued so highly were the merest moonshine. ”

“ But Meadowes would not hear of this.
‘I cannot tell you, Phil, how it is with me,’ he said, leaning his head on his hand as he spoke. ‘And—may you never understand—a great weariness hath fallen over me, that is of the mind, not of the body. I care for nothing; the game is played out. So make no further parley over this; take what I offer and welcome: as you pointed out to me ’tis but your due, in a sense.’
‘Then you fully understand, sir, that I bring Carrie Shepley to live in your house?’
‘Bring her and welcome—ah, you think that will bring you happiness, Phil, but you are mistaken. ”

“ Nevertheless one of the Newgate cells could tell of a sunny morning long ago when Caroline Meadowes, Sebastian Shepley, and their friend, Dr. Munro, came together to aid at the release of Carrie’s husband. Philip needed all his light-heartedness that day, for though liberty was drawing near, he was to gain it by a dark enough entrance. As he stood beside the window and looked out into the sunshiny world where men walked free and happy, his thoughts were bitter enough; one man, at least, thought he, walked free that day who should not! ”

“ Carrie stood and looked out over the fields, yesterday so green, to-day so grey; up at the skies, yesterday so blue, to-day so leaden, and her heart died within her. What on earth should she do with herself all day? She went up-stairs and tried to be sympathetic over her aunt’s symptoms for an hour or more, then she came down-stairs again and worked at her embroidery, then she tried to read (Carrie was not intellectual, you remember) , then she fell asleep and wakened to hear the dinner-bell ring, always a welcome summons to this hearty young heroine. ”

“ Phil was a curious boy, of great strength of character: a hot-tempered, domineering child, horribly clever for his age, very imaginative, and withal sadly spoilt. Peter, it is true, held his young master in very scant reverence, and would speak to him at times with great sharpness, but his was the only control that was ever exercised over the child. Carrie, who had no temper at all, was frightened almost out of her little judgment the first time she saw Phil in one of his worst fits of anger. ”

“ The spring world was all a-dazzle with sunshine again after yesterday’s rain, when Carrie came down-stairs. I regret to say that she came down-stairs late, bidding the maid ‘not tell Lady Mallow’ with such a charming smile that the austere elderly woman fibbed profusely to her mistress a few minutes later. After breakfast, Carrie went out on to the lawn, and stood, in apparent irresolution, looking round her. ”

“ Prior will marry us.’
‘Any parson you have a mind for, sir.’
Meadowes drew Anne closer to him, and kissed her lovely tear-stained face. Then he bade her good-bye, and she went into the cottage and sat there face to face with life, as every woman is when she makes up her mind on what now-a-days we term the Marriage Problem.
Anne was very clear-sighted; she saw, as every woman with her wits about her must see, that it is not good for woman—especially pretty woman—to be alone. She saw in ‘Dick Sundon,’ as she called him, a protector whom she had every reason to like. ”

“ Meadowes was charmed with this pretty speech; he flung his arm round Anne’s waist and kissed her. She looked up at him with her brown eyes full of tears; but they may have been tears of mirth, for all she said was, ‘Good sakes! but men be mortal vain,’ and with that she drew herself away from his embrace.
‘Why should she cry over the sparrows in the Green Park?’ Meadowes wondered; how should he know how often Anne had walked there with Sebastian Shepley? ”

“ No sooner had the hall-clock chimed eleven than this punctual young person issued from the door of the little house in Jermyn Street leading Caroline by the hand. Their walks had a curious sameness, tending as they almost invariably did in the direction of St. James’ Square; and Carrie, a conversational little person, noticed that about the hour of their walk Patty was curiously absent-minded. She was always looking round her, and sometimes would even fairly stand still, with an air of expectation as if she were waiting for some one. ”

“ Now, if there was a man that Philip disliked more than another it was this Simon Prior. A tall man, with shoulders so high that he seemed to be always shrugging them, and with prominent eyes that had a look of bullying challenge in them, he certainly did not carry innocence upon his face. He always assumed great familiarity with Phil—another point against him with the young man. ”

“ I knew as it would be this way some day—I’ve had lovers an’ lovers by the score. Not but that you’ve been civil and taken your time, sir. Well, as I do say, sir, you be kind and I’ll take you for that. But ’tis not for love, sir. I have no heart left in me now, but a stone where it once was. A woman she do have two throws o’ the dice in her life—one’s love an’ t’other’s money. Lose the first; you’d best, if you’re a wise woman, have a try for the second, for with never the one nor t’other you be in a sad case.’
Meadowes listened gravely to this, Anne’s gospel of prudence. ”

“ The marriage had been a source of vast gratification to Emma as well as to the fortunate Charlotte, for it seemed to be in the very blood and bones of the Barringtons to aspire in matters social. Their father’s promotion to Court practice had given these young women another help on the painful uphill path, and had made it not only possible but quite natural for them to mention persons of title frequently in conversation. Now Emma drove out daily in Lady Mallow’s coach, and dreamt of even greater splendours to come. ”

“ There are moods of mind when only some change in the outward conditions of life can promise hope or comfort. It seemed to Anne impossible that she could stay on here in her old surroundings when everything in the future had changed for her. She was even weak and feminine enough to imagine the delight of Mrs. Nare when she discovered that her prophecies had come true and Anne’s fine lover had proved faithless. ”

“ It was much more agreeable to eat the pasties and cakes of one’s own making, she thought, than those prepared by the most practised cook, and, moreover, there was a new and inspiring thought at work in Carrie’s brain. Some day she would be cooking all these good things for Philip! She did not stop to consider that Phil, like Lady Mallow, had servants to cook for him, so every day she would be trying new dishes, till Sebastian complained that the cuisine was too rich for his simple tastes, and Carrie blushed, and murmured something about her book of recipes. ”

“ Surely, surely she could never mistake Sebastian’s signature, the same she had gazed at so often, and kissed, aye, and wept over also. She revolved these questions in her mind all day and found no satisfactory answers to them; when she lay down at night, one insistent suggestion whispered on in her ear, ‘Why did Dick look like that? Was he lying? Did ever man look so mazed and scared when he spoke the truth?’ Then Anne’s tired eyes closed and she entered the beautiful dream-world. Now the dream-world holds sensations of indescribable vividness not attainable on the earth-world ”

“ But he took the older man’s hand in his as he spoke, and shook it warmly.
‘I thank you, sir,’ he said. ‘And this story you guess at—well, I give you my hand on’t that if ever I marry Emma she hears it all.’
‘Tush! keep your heart’s history to yourself,’ said Barrington, smiling. ‘The woman who supposes herself any man’s first love is a fool.’
Emma, whose name had been thus bandied between Sebastian Shepley and her father, was the younger of Dr. Barrington’s two daughters. ”

“ Meadowes,’ ‘Handsome Mrs. Philip Meadowes,’ ‘That most charming lady, Mrs. Meadowes’—these and similar descriptions of herself made Carrie dimple with pleasure. But a woman in such a position, so young, so beautiful, so unsophisticated, would, to defend herself aright, require a beak and claws, whereas our gentle Carrie had not even a sharp tongue wherewith to chastise her enemies. She entered society with no protection but simplicity—a much vaunted armour which, alas for the world, is in reality sadly vulnerable. ”

“ The fields were white with anemone blossoms. She stood among them in perfect rapture, and then got down upon her knees and began to pull the flowers in handfuls; then further off, along the river bank, she saw a great thicket of blossoming thorn, white as snow, and off she ran towards it.
Carrie flung down all her freshly gathered flowers in a heap upon the grass when she reached the thorn bushes. For these blossoms were lovelier by far than anything she had seen yet; the little starry flowers set on to their jagged black stems had a beauty all their own. ”

“ On the fourth day, urged by despair, Carrie sat down to write to Sebastian the whole tale of her woe.
‘Sir, I shall die,’ she wrote. ‘ ’Tis terrible; I do not like living with women, I find men vastly more agreeable. Pray, pray, dear sir—my dearest dada—write and summon me home, for I am weary of my life here at Wynford.’
Sebastian laughed a good deal over this mournful missive, and wrote Carrie to try to cultivate patience and the womanly graces. ”

“ There was one terrible night when ‘a Marquis’ (enough that the mystic dignity was his) honoured the little house in Jermyn Street with a visit, and Sebastian, all unheeding of coughs and frowns from his wife, must press this exalted visitor to sup with them. Now on this ill-fated night Emma had chosen to feed her lord and master on pig’s feet and fried liver—viands whose price, or rather want of price, is almost proverbial. ”

“ To the heart that has known sorrow—and perhaps more to the heart that has missed joy—the jubilant burgeoning of spring will sometimes bring an intolerable sadness. But in the first blossom and fairness of her youth, with her sunny childhood barely left behind, with hope ahead, these stainless blue skies, and the rich promise of the bursting leafage, filled Carrie’s heart with a sort of ecstasy. ”