John Maddison Morton

“ RAT. Not more marvellous than true. Here are the proofs, (gives pocket book to MRS. SOMERTON) and now think, madam, what a love must that man’s be who could thus risk his name, character, and reputation, with the sole hope of preserving you your liberty. ”

“ PEGGY. (to RATCLIFFE) Well, sir, Sergeant Jones has just been [Pg 18] here, and says he to me—says he—tell my Superintendent, Captain Ratcliffe, says he, that we’ve found the robber, says he.
POS. (triumphantly) And the money too, of course; not that my intense affection for my charming cousin could ever be influenced by a few paltry thousands more or less—no; I love her for herself alone.
PEGGY. It does my old heart good to hear you say that, because they’ve neither found the robber nor the money yet. ”

“ DAVID. (without) Bring him along—if he won’t come agreeable, drag him in by the hair of his head.
Enter DAVID, running, L. C., and dragging in POSTLETHWAITE, his dress disordered, DAVID carries a green wide-awake in his hand—PEGGY following.
DAV. Here, missus, we’ve got the robber.
MRS. S. (holding RATCLIFFE’S hand) So have I!
DAVID. Here be the desperate villain, ma’am, and here be his desperate green wide-awake; (shewing hat) and what’s more, we won’t let him go.
MRS. S. No more will I! (seeing POSTLE.) Cousin Postlethwaite!
PEGGY. (running forward) Lawks! yes—so it be. Oh, Master Percy! ”

“ POS. Of course, it was! would you allow a fellow to walk off with your property without making a fight of it, not you, my trojan—I mean your worship! but I’ll tell you all about it. I had just arrived from London, and finding that cousin Somerton had that instant returned home from a ball, I determined to give her an agreeable surprise, and for that purpose I was walking on tiptoe along that passage, when I was almost knocked off my legs by a piercing shriek. ”

“ RAT. Come, I’ve got you safe under lock and key, my worthy friend, whoever you are, and now not another moment must be lost. (advances towards the writing desk quickly, L. table)
MRS. S. (without) Don’t be alarmed, David, I forgot to say I had taken the latch key with me.
RAT. Mrs. Somerton’s voice, and no means of escape! Then impudence befriend me! (hurries into room, R.)
Enter MRS. SOMERTON and PEGGY at door, L. U. E.
PEGGY. (who carries a small lantern in her hand, which she places on table) Dear, dear, how my poor old bones do ache. ”

“ Either cousin Somerton has got a very bad cold, or she’s not alone!
RAT. Here, madam, is the receipt. (rising)
POS. That’s a man’s voice!
RAT. And now, madam, the necessary forms being completed [Pg 10] on my part, all that remains is for you to find the funds; amounting, as I believe I mentioned before, to the sum of fifteen thousand pounds.
MRS. S. (forcing a laugh) And do you imagine I could be imprudent enough to keep so large a sum of money——?
RAT. On your person? Oh, dear no; that would be an indiscretion for which, as your partner, I should certainly take the liberty of scolding you. ”

“ No, sir, I know my cousin too well—he loves me too dearly to care about my loss of fortune; he will be only too happy to work for me, toil for me, slave for me.
POS. (at door) Will he! (disappears)
MRS. S. He will never resign the hand of her he loves, beggared though she be. (here POSTLETHWAITE comes out of room cautiously, slips the letter into RATCLIFFE’S hand, and runs out at door, L. C.)
RAT. (presenting letter to MRS. SOMERTON) From Mr. Percy [Pg 21] Postlethwaite, madam. (aside) If he has deceived me I’ll make Arabella Row, Pimlico, the scene of a terrific drama. ”

“ RAT. Why, unfortunately Mrs. Somerton is unable to give me the slightest clue.
MRS. S. But I do possess a clue—a certain infallible one.
POS. Ah!—then where is your clue—produce your clue—what is your clue?
MRS. S. (looking intently at RATCLIFFE) A paper in the handwriting of this bold and impudent villain, (RATCLIFFE slightly [Pg 17] starts) treating the matter as a commercial transaction, and affecting to acknowledge as a voluntary loan from me the amount of which he plundered me. ”

“ To do the wretch justice he has a certain mode of expressing himself——
[Pg 11]
POS. I hope he don’t mean to keep on fumbling that writing desk about much longer, because the bottom of the cane chair has just given way. Surely, Cousin Somerton never could have been such a simpleton as to lock all her money up there.
RAT. Ah, at last— (taking the pocket book out of the desk, and advancing to MRS. SOMERTON) —the pocket book.
POS. She’s a ruined woman and so am I! (dropping his head against the side of the window)
MRS. S. (suddenly, and with an expression of hope) Surely I heard a voice! ”

“ Now between you and me and the post, if Cousin Somerton was to say to you, what will you give me for the chance of recovering my fifteen thousand pounds? what would you feel disposed to offer?
RAT. Not fifteen thousand farthings.
POS. (aside) The devil.
RAT. But what of that; the loss of a few paltry thousand can never lessen the intense affection you feel for your charming cousin. ”

“ MRS. S. (retreating, and in a tone of alarm which she endeavours to repress) Who are you, sir? and why this unseasonable intrusion? I insist on knowing.
RAT. A little patience, my dear madam, and you shall. (observing MRS. SOMERTON, who endeavours to reach the door, L. C.) One moment, madam. Before you summon your servants, allow me to observe that I shall be under the painful necessity of punishing any one who presumes to interrupt so delightful a tete à tete. (slowly taking his pistols from his pocket, and depositing them on the table)
MRS. S. (terrified and aside) He’s armed. ”

“ Oh, how kind of you, Cousin; but pray mind how you get down!
POS. Don’t be alarmed; it’s a precious deal easier than getting up! besides I know every inch of the road; so good bye, cousin, and in my way to my friend the superintendent, I’ll knock up all the neighbours and tell them to scour the country; we’ll find your fifteen thousand pounds again for you. (gets quite out and gradually disappears) So don’t give way—keep up as I do. Oh, lud. (suddenly disappears altogether—loud noise of broken glass heard)
MRS. S. He’s fallen! (calling out of window) Cousin! cousin! ”

“ RAT. (watching DAVID out, then goes quickly up and closes the door) Alone at last—now then to work. (takes a pair of pistols from his coat pocket, which he places on table) But first, as ladies invariably fly to the bell ropes to raise an alarm, I must take the liberty of cutting these. (taking knife out of his pocket, and cutting the bell ropes) Now to examine the means of escape, in case of interruption— (opening window and looking out) —the garden—a small conservatory underneath—that’s awkward ”

“ POS. Nothing; the room was in total darkness, and the next instant I found myself face to face with a gigantic housebreaker about seven foot high, with two pair of pistols in each hand, and there, extended upon the hearth rug, with her head on the fender lay my poor cousin in a dead faint, and as pale as a sheet.
[Pg 15]
RAT. (smiling) But how the deuce did you manage to see all this when the room was in total darkness?
POS. What of that? everybody knows that housebreakers are always as pale as a sheet when they faint away ”

“ MRS. S. The colonel fancies the robber may be still concealed on the premises.
RAT. (forcing a laugh) Ha, ha! Still on the premises, a very likely matter.
MRS. S. Why not? So bold and impudent a villain, as you very properly designate him. How fortunate it was that I remembered the existence of that “important paper.”
RAT. Yes, it was a very brilliant idea of yours, indeed.
MRS. S. And how still more fortunate that Colonel Boldwig at [Pg 20] once recognised the handwriting, for of course it will infallibly lead to the capture of the unconscionable scoundrel, as you very properly called him. ”

“ I know it don’t become a servant to be inquisitive—so if you’ll only tell me who ye be, what ye be, why you come here, what you want here, where you come from, and a few other particklers, I’ll be satisfied and ask no questions. ”

“ RAT. That’s all! I’ll therefore make out a receipt for the amount at once. (taking a piece of paper, and beginning to write)
MRS. S. (aside, and looking towards the back of the stage) That bell communicates with David’s room; it is my only hope. (cautiously rises from her chair, and goes on tiptoe towards the chimney-piece)
POS. (appearing at little window above door at R. C.) I should very much like to know who has taken the liberty of locking me in! I repeat, who has taken the liberty of locking me in? I pause for a reply. ”

“ Here, Sergeant Jones, stop—he hears me, ma’am.
MRS. S. This is fortunate indeed; so run, David, and give him information of the robbery; tell him that he may rely on the most liberal reward. (DAVID about to run off) and, David, tell him also, should he discover any clue, that he must communicate with his superintendent here—that I expect him every moment; run, David. (DAVID runs off at L. C.) and you, Peggy, go down stairs and be ready to open the door; I will go to my room for a few minutes.
PEGGY. Do, ma’am; it’ll do you good to lie down a bit; it’s broad day-light—just till Mr. ”

“ I mean women are always seven feet high—no, housebreakers—really you interrupt me so I don’t know what I’m talking about.
RAT. (smiling) Well?
POS. Well, though I was unarmed, I instantly rushed upon the two ruffians. ”

“ I mean my friend—no—the robber—no, my friend. (running to door, L. C.) Holloa, this door’s locked (running to mantel-piece and about to ring the bell) and the bell rope’s cut (suddenly) ah! the ruffian has left his pistols behind him. (seizing pistols off the mantel-piece) Stand out of the way, cousin. (rushing to window)
MRS. S. What are you about to do?
POS. Do? send a bullet through his body.
MRS. S. Pshaw! Why you can’t even see him.
POS. Then I’m the more likely to hit him; besides, it will raise an alarm at all events. ”

“ POS. (knocking violently at door) But I have! I’ll cry for help against any man in England! Help!
MRS. S. (rising) Ah, is that you, David?
POS. No—it’s me—Postlethwaite. Cousin Percy, open the door. (MRS. SOMERTON hastily runs and unlocks door, R. C., POSTLETHWAITE puts his head out) Is the ruffian gone? ”

“ POS. Certainly not. I’d rather mince him. Fifteen thousand pounds is a lump of money.
RAT. (with pretended astonishment) Fifteen thousand pounds—the unconscionable scoundrel!—one moment (writing in the pocket book) —amount stolen—fifteen thousand pounds; number of robbers——
POS. (aside to him) Uncertain! as there seems to be a little difference of opinion between cousin and me upon that point. You’d better say “uncertain.”
RAT. (to MRS. S.) Bank notes, I presume?
MRS. S. Yes, sir—bank notes.
RAT. And contained in that writing desk. ”