John Maddison Morton

“ CRUM. I will. (looks mysteriously about him—BETSY watches him with astonishment—then in a loud whisper) You must fall in love with Mr. Mouser.
BET. Sir!
CRUM. And Mr. Mouser must instantly fall in love with you.
BET. (staring at him—then with dignity) Give me my pattens, sir, and let me go. Give me my pattens, I say.
CRUM. ’Pshaw, child! You misunderstand me. Listen! Your sudden passion for Mouser——
BET. (seizing hold of them, and trying to pull them out of CRUMMY’S hand)
CRUM. Oh! Very well! It’s a pity, too—for a married couple might do very well. ”

“ PEGGY. I should think not, indeed! and what did you say to Mr. C. R.?
MRS. S. The truth! that my hand was promised to my cousin, Percy Postlethwaite; that his father had once saved mine from ruin, who made me promise, as the only means of testifying his gratitude to the father, to marry the son.
PEGGY. Ah! and that, of course, was a settler for Mr. C. R.
MRS. S. On the contrary, his answer to my letter ran thus:—“Love like mine never despairs. I will still be near you, for I still hope”—and yet for the last two months he has ceased to write.
PEGGY. Of course he has! ”

“ It must be very unpleasant! though I never was an heiress myself!
FLOR. Would that all men were as disinterested as you, sir!
SKRUFF. True, Miss Florence—for my part, if I were to marry a young lady with ten thousand pounds—
FLOR. You’d settle it all on herself—I know—I’m sure you would! The quiet charm of a country life would be unspeakable rapture to you! To help her to tend her flowers—to feed her poultry—to grow her own currants and gooseberries—
SKRUFF. And her own eggs—and new-laid butter!
FLOR. But alas! Mallingford is my uncle’s choice, and our union is irrevocable! ”

“ FANNY. And I am the only woman he ever loved. (goes up)
PATTY. Like my B. B. again. (tenderly to BROWN—goes up)
BROWN. Indeed!—the only woman he ever loved! ha, ha, ha, ha! (with a fierce look at O’WALKER, and slowly drawing the packet of letters from his pocket) Of that I have abundant proof in these letters, which——
O’WALKER. (suddenly grasping BROWN’S arm and aside to him) Betray me and I’ll instantly acquaint your intended wife with her B. B.’s little eccentricities at a certain little tobacconist’s shop in Little Windmill Street.
BROWN. (aside to him) Pooh! she won’t believe you! ”

“ PHŒBE. (without) Now, uncle, I never can carry down that large basket of clothes by myself—do come and help me! (comes in at little door, L. C.)
TRIPTOLE. That voice!
PHŒBE. (stumbling over the linen which TRIPTOLEMUS has thrown about stage) Heyday! who can have been tumbling all the nice clean linen about? One of those horrid cats, I’ll be bound!
TRIPTOLE. (imitating the mewing of a cat) Miow, miow!
PHŒBE. There he is. (turning and seeing TRIPTOLEMUS) No—mercy on us! it isn’t a cat—it’s a man! Help! thieves! police, police! ”

“ BET. Yes, sir. We’ve rather delicate constitutions both of us, so we generally go out for a little fresh air and exercise every Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, and Saturday, after work hours. We can’t get out any other evenings, sir. I suppose, you’re Mr. Crummy! You’re not Mr. Mouser. We all know him!
CRUM. We! Who?
BET. Why, all us girls at the laundry over the way. Ah, there’s a pattern for a husband! ’Tisn’t every woman, sir, as gets a Mouser. No, sir—Mousers are scarce.
CRUM. And yet you’d take your chance and marry Joseph Harris? ”

“ Cox. [Pushing back his chair.] You'll excuse me, sir—but I don't like joking upon such subjects. Box. I'm perfectly serious, sir. I've been defunct for the last three years! Cox. [Shouting.] Will you be quiet, sir? Box. If you won't believe me, I'll refer you to a very large, numerous, and respectable circle of disconsolate friends. Cox. My dear sir—my very dear sir—if there does exist any ingenious contrivance whereby a man on the eve of committing matrimony can leave this world, and yet stop in it, I shouldn't be sorry to know it. ”

“ We must fight, sir. I know all! all!
LARK. (aside) The devil! (aloud) Well, sir, to-morrow morning!
SWANS. No! Now! Now! it’s a moonlight night! Primrose Hill close at hand, and I’ve pistols in my pocket! Woodcock! (to WOODCOCK, who has placed MRS. LARKINGS and MRS. CARVER each in a chair and is fanning them alternately, still dancing a polka step—SWANSDOWN goes up, seizes WOODCOCK by the arm, and drags him down—aside to him) You’ll be my second? I’m going to shoot Larkings!
LARK. (grasping WOODCOCK’S other arm) You’ll be my second? I’m going to shoot Swansdown! ”

“ Brown, when I suddenly recollected that I was engaged to another.
O’WALKER. Engaged to another?
BROWN. Hush! A woman who can’t live without seeing me twice a day and that I haven’t been near for a week.
O’WALKER. Then go to her, Brown, and forget the perfidious Amelia. She’s made a fool of you, Brown, nobody can look at you and doubt it.
BROWN. How?
O’WALKER. Simply because she’s engaged to be married. I happen to know the fact, because the gentleman is the friend of an intimate friend of a friend of mine, I don’t know why he should be, but he is. ”

“ SALLY. Well, sir, don’t you think it would be as well just to mention the name? Do you think you can manage that? Shall I take your card, sir?
SKRUFF. Yes! (taking out card-case) . No! (Aside.) Cards cost a shilling a hundred. Why should I waste one on people I’ve hardly ever seen. (Aloud.) You can say—“Mr. Samuel Skruff.” Do you think you can remember that?
SALLY. “Skruff!” Not likely to forget it, sir—such an aristocratic name. (Bringing forward a three-legged rustic seat.) Like to sit down, sir?
GRITTY (heard from house at L.) . Sally! My shaving water!—hot! all hot!
SALLY. Coming, sir! ”

“ Fan. A thousand thanks! Are these comfortable lodgings of yours—quiet, and all that sort of thing? Grim. Remarkably quiet, and particularly all that sort of thing! Fan. That's enough! (grasping Grimshaw's arm again, and in an under tone to him) I wish to occupy them till tomorrow morning. Grim. You call that asking a favor of me? I call it doing me a favor! The longer the better, my adorable Fanny! Fan. (waving him off) Peter, as you are evidently in the dark, allow me to enlighten you! ”

“ Mrs. Bouncer has been using my gridiron! The last article of consumption that I cooked upon it was a pork chop, and now it is powerfully impregnated with the odour of red herrings! [Places gridiron on fire, and then, with a fork, lays rasher of bacon on the gridiron.] How sleepy I am, to be sure! I'd indulge myself with a nap, if there was anybody here to superintend the turning of my bacon. [Yawning again.] Perhaps it will turn itself. ”

“ FANNY. There! I flatter myself I’ve managed that rather cleverly. I’ve given tranquillity to Jeremiah, happiness to Georgina; I’ve got mamma a husband, and— But stop a bit! who’s to get one for me? Oh dear, dear! I haven’t half done yet!
Enter MRS. MAJOR very hurriedly at C.
MRS. MAJOR. Oh! what shall I do? what shall I do?
FANNY. Georgina dear, what’s the matter?
MRS. MAJOR. Oh, Fanny, such an event! I quite forgot to tell you that a person—I can’t call him a gentleman—has been following me about everywhere in the most persevering, the most audacious manner, for the last month! ”