John Maddison Morton

“ CRUM. Go along! (pushes him out, L. D. F.) Well, coz, you certainly may say you’ve got the most attentive husband in the world.
MRS. M. Too attentive by half!
CRUM. Eh?
MRS. M. (seriously) Yes, cousin. Few women are proof against ridicule—and some husbands would do well to remember that there is a point when attention to a wife becomes a burden, and even affection a persecution. Yes, yes, cousin—he’s too attentive by half!
Exit, L. D.
CRUM. “Too attentive by half!” Then it is as I feared, and that simpleton, Mouser, doesn’t see that he is persecuting his wife with his affection. ”

“ Mouser!
MOUS. Understand me, Anastasia, I mean no disrespect to your Cousin Crummy—on the contrary, Crummy’s a man I like—but Crummy’s like many other good things in this world, a little of him goes a long way. In short, he gives us too much of his society.
MRS. M. Because he sees we are so much alone.
MOUS. But we never are alone. Crummy won’t let us be alone.
MRS. M. Well, isn’t it natural that he should drop in upon us? Isn’t he your partner in the business? Isn’t he one of the firm, Mouser and Crummy, Attorneys-at-law? ”

“ CRUM. But Anastasia? Stop! Hear me! I’ll follow her—no, for if I do, I shall leave the coast clear for Mouser—confound it. I wish I hadn’t interfered at all. So I’ll find Betsy at once, and marry her off hand to Joseph Harris and the little greengrocer’s shop. (taking his hat, &c.)
BETSY peeps in L. D. F.
BET. Sir! Sir! Are you alone, Mr. Crummy?
CRUM. (R.) You’re the very young woman I wish to see.
BET. So are you, sir.
CRUM. I see—you’ve given him the slip, eh?
BET. Slip, sir! Who, sir?
CRUM. Mouser. Betsy, I’m afraid you’ve gone a little too far. ”

“ I can tell you. No, Mrs. Mouser, I’ll accomplish that “Ya—oo—oo,” if I die for it! (very loud, and out of tune) “Ya—oo—oo!” No—that’s worse than ever.
MRS. M. It’s quite clear that you are determined to annoy me.
(pouting)
MOUS. (comes down quickly; very tenderly) Annoy you? You, my Anastasia? You? Pooh!
MRS. M. I’ve told you a hundred times, Marmaduke, that you haven’t a single note in your voice.
MOUS. Then the more creditable in your Marmaduke to try and get a few. (in a solemn tone) Anastasia, we live in a wonderful age. ”

“ Where’s my wig?
(shaking CRUMMY again violently)
BETSY. (who, during the latter part of MOUSER’S speech, has entered L. D. F. and come down, L.) Yes, and where’s my shop?
MOUS. (C.) Exactly. Where’s my shop—I mean—— (sees BETSY) Holloa!
BET. (seeing MOUSER, and then bursting into a violent fit of laughter) Ha, ha, ha! Oh, my! What a Guy! Ha, ha, ha!
MOUS. What d’ye mean by a Guy? (suddenly recollecting. Snatches CRUMMY’S hat out of his hand, and puts it on) And how—how the deuce did you get out of that room? ”

“ BOY. Yes, ma’am.
(BOY goes off and returns immediately with candles, which he places on table, and then retires at back. BETSY makes her escape, and runs out L. D. F.)
MRS. M. Good gracious! What a commotion! There are at least thirty women round the door! I’m quite alarmed! I feel I was wrong to leave the house in a pet against Mr. Mouser. As for my Cousin Crummy’s insinuations, I treat them with the utmost contempt. So, instead of spending the evening with sister Charlotte, I determined to return home, and give my poor dear affectionate little husband an agreeable surprise. ”

“ BET. (trying to disengage her hand) But, sir, what would Mrs. Mouser think?
MOUS. (recklessly) Mrs. Mouser may think whatever she likes. [13] There, what d’ye say to that? Ha, ha, ha! who’s afraid? (suddenly and very loud) Betsy, embrace your Marmadook.
BET. (frightened, takes up her pattens, and holds them out, threatening him)
MOUS. (rushes at BETSY—she avoids him, leaving the veil in his hand)
CRUM. (without) Very well, I shall find him.
BET. Oh, lud! (runs out at door, L. D. F.)
MOUS. Cousin Crummy! ”

“ I provide a large body of men, not only with the necessaries of life, but with the luxury of an oilskin cape to protect them from the inclemency of the weather—and yet in open day—walking slowly along the public streets—I find myself suddenly overwhelmed by an avalanche of females! (in a serious tone) It’s a retribution. Mouser, listen to me—you have a wife, Mouser—and yet, you first run after another woman: and now you have fifty women running after you, Mouser. It won’t do, Mouser! (sees BETSY) Ah, Betsy!—so you’re come, eh?
BET. No, sir, I ain’t. ”

“ BET. But, sir! Mr. Crummy! Stop! Where’s my shop? I insist on my shop!
(Great noise of WOMEN’S voices suddenly heard—“Stop, sir!” “Mr. Mouser!” “Don’t run!” “It’s only me!” &c.; MOUSER rushes in at D. L. F., followed by WOMEN; after considerable trouble he turns them out again at door and slams it—noise of WOMEN’S voices repeated)
MOUS. (shouting at the door) Go along! Females begone! [16]
(WOMEN heard again at R. D., MOUSER runs and closes it)
MOUS. (advancing) What the deuce is the matter with the women? What are the police about? ”

“ Am I not known in the neighbourhood as the best of husbands? When [5] we go out don’t the people rush to their doors and windows to look at us? Oh, ’Stasy! ’Stasy!
MRS. M. Ha, ha, ha! My dear Marmaduke, you are certainly getting a little cracked on the subject.
MOUS. I know it. I’m so much cracked that I wonder I don’t fall to pieces. But I can’t help it. (placing his arm round her waist)
CRUM. (without, L. D. F.) Oh, Mouser’s at home, is he? Particularly engaged, d’ye say? Pooh, pooh! I know better.
MOUS. (aside) I shall do Crummy a terrific injury some of these days. ”

“ CRUMMY crosses unseen into Office, R.)
BET. Poor man! He’ll never begin, so I suppose I must. (aloud) Sir!
MOUS. (aside) Mouser, be firm. No damned nonsense! Do your duty, Mouser, and that duty commands you instantly to plunge a [12] dagger into the heart that adores you. Well, Miss Baker? (with great indifference—his back towards her)
BET. Those as likes me calls me Betsy. (in a plaintive tone) Call me Betsy, sir!
MOUS. No, Betsy—I shall not call you Betsy—I never do call people by their Christian names, Betsy—never, Betsy! Never, Betsy! ”

“ But I’ll hold him up to the execration of mankind. “Not particular as to the number of his attachments!” Gracious goodness! And to think that such a man is able to walk the streets without a policeman on each side of him. (CRUMMY returns with hat, coat, and blue bag) But, as I said before, I’ll expose him! (in his excitement he puts on the dressing gown again—puts on CRUMMY’S hat, and takes CRUMMY’S umbrella from table) I shan’t be long, my ’Stasia. I shall soon return on the wings of love—— (going)
MRS. M. (L., detaining him) You’re surely not going out in your dressing gown? ”

“ Mischief will certainly come of it. Some remedy must be devised. But what? If I could only contrive to excite Anastasia’s suspicions that her [7] husband, like Major-General Jones, is not exactly satisfied with one attachment at a time——By this means her jealousy might be roused. But she wouldn’t believe me. No, Mouser himself must supply the materials. But how? (BETSY BAKER knocks at L. D. F.) Come in!
BETSY appears at L. D. F., with a small parcel.
BET. Mrs. Mouser’s veil——
CRUM. Come in, my dear.
BET. Pattens and all, sir? ”

“ But you must. Her’s is a very important case. Neither more nor less than a separation from her husband, Major-General Jones.
MOUS. I’ll have nothing to do with it. Major-General Jones has never offended me—what right, then, have I to stand between Major-General Jones and Mrs. Major-General Jones, and say to Major-General Jones, “Major-General Jones, take a last look at Mrs. Major-General Jones, for you’ll never set your eyes on Mrs. Major-General Jones again?” It’s absurd! ”

“ But perhaps you’re not aware that there are usually from thirty to forty females of various ages and dimensions engaged in that establishment over the way, and I don’t think it would be exactly the safest place in the world for an unprotected male. ”

“ I saw him go out yesterday at thirteen minutes past four, and come in again at twenty-seven minutes and a half past five.
CRUM. (aside to MOUSER) You see, she counts the very minutes. (aloud) This is the young person who’s going to marry our clerk, Joseph Harris. ”