John Maddison Morton

“ TRIPTOLE. Where—where? here’s a clothes basket, but it isn’t big enough.
JONATH. (without) This way, policeman.
(noise of steps up staircase heard—TRIPTOLEMUS dreadfully frightened begins getting out of window)
PHŒBE. Mind what you’re about! you’ll slip off the slanting roof and be smashed to bits! (by this time TRIPTOLEMUS has got out of the window) Where are you going?
TRIPTOLE. I don’t know. (begins getting into the other chimney pot)
PHŒBE. (looking out after him) Mercy on me! what is he about? he’s getting legs first into a chimney pot! Stop, stop, you’ll drop into our third floor! ”

“ I turned round and found myself face to face with a ferocious looking individual, almost as tall as the lamp-post, and considerably stouter. (mechanically wiping his face with the linen he takes out of the clothes basket, and blackening it) Well, my first impulse was to come Tom Sayers over him, but it suddenly occurred to me that the brawny ruffian before me might be a husband and a father, I therefore spared him, and walked slowly away—as fast as my legs could carry me! ”

“ COCKLE. Yes; you may well called it cribbage! he’s cribbed my paletot, my snuff box, my comforter, my sixteen pairs of gloves! (pointing to gloves on the floor)
BUNNY. (suddenly) And my wig!
COCKLE. Hush, no noise; everything must be done quietly. (beckons the GUESTS mysteriously, who advance, wondering, points to TRIPTOLEMUS, then in a low tone) Take care of your pockets! (astonishment among the GUESTS)
CAPT. H. (who has finished shuffling the cards, slamming the pack violently on the table) Now, sir! ”

“ Ever since I saw you at Plymouth, I’ve been thinking that you are just the sort of craft that I should like to sail in company with.
CARO. (modestly) Oh, Captain!
CAPT. H. Yes, miss; so I bore up for London, and the first thing I hear is that you’re going to be spliced to some other lubber from Cambridge.
CARO. Really, sir, I know very little about the matter; everything has been arranged by my pa and Mr. Cockletop.
CAPT. H. Who’s Cocklepot?
CARO. (modestly) He is the uncle of—the young man. ”

“ I’m not addicted to picking and stealing, but a man can’t be expected to go all day long, on half an ounce of lozenges! (goes to the sideboard and begins helping himself, drinking the negus out of the decanters)
[Pg 24]
Enter PHŒBE at L.
PHŒBE. (seeing TRIPTOLEMUS) Ah! somebody helping himself to the negus! Holloa, sir!
TRIPTOLE. (turning round, his mouth stuffed full of cakes and each hand crammed with them—seeing PHŒBE) What’s the matter? Ah, Phœbe!
PHŒBE. Trip! Dear—dear, how wet you look!
TRIPTOLE. Do you expect a man to stand under a waterspout and not get wet? Look there. ”

“ SHARP. Then begin with these here articles of male attire—this coat, this hat—how did they come for to be in your apartment? they can’t be your aunt’s, and you ain’t got a uncle! then whose is ’em?—why don’t you answer—whose is ’em?
ARABEL. I shall not condescend to answer you, sir.
SHARP. You won’t! then nothing remains for me but to precipitate myself headlong into the area below! (rushing to window)
ARABEL. (pulling him back) Don’t be a fool!
PHŒBE. (ditto) Don’t be ridiculous! ”

“ I’m more dead than alive!
CAPT. H. Well, as I was going to say—about two months ago I put into Plymouth with my first cargo of herrings, and there I got into company with an old gentleman with a bald head, green spectacles, and an only daughter—the smartest-looking craft I ever clapped eyes on! Well, finding I couldn’t forget her, I determined to follow her to London, got here this morning, called on the old gentleman, made an offer of my hand and my herrings, when, muskets and marlinspikes, what d’ye think he told me? ”

“ At the same moment, COCKLETOP enters at C. from L. carrying his hat and black paletot over his arm—he is in evening costume, but very red in the face, and looks slightly tipsy, he has a red worsted comforter hanging loose round his neck, which he takes off as he enters, and throws over his paletot.
BUNNY. (L., seeing him) Ah, Cockletop! better late than never! Well, where’s “our dear nephew?” our young Adonis from Cambridge, eh? ”

“ Do you know, sir, you are something like my poor nephew.
(the CAPTAIN looks intently in TRIPTOLEMUS’S face, who nervously wipes his face with a handful of gloves, which he lets fall on the stage, instead of returning them to the pocket of his paletot)
[Pg 28]
COCKLE. (aside) He’s got a paletot uncommonly like mine. (throwing out two cards for the crib—TRIPTOLEMUS, who watches him, does the same—COCKLETOP then cuts the cards) Now, sir, it’s for you to turn up.
TRIPTOLE. (bothered) Turn up! Suppose you turn up first, sir, and let me see how you do it. ”

“ At rising of curtain, CAROLINE is seen in the corridor at back, receiving the GUESTS, who pass across towards C.; she accompanies them; JONATHAN is standing before the sideboard, loading a large tray with cakes and glasses of negus; he is dressed in an old-fashioned long-tailed brown coat, a pair of blue plush breeches, white stockings, and ankle boots, very high shirt collars above his ears; as he fills the tray, he occasionally eats a cake and drinks a glass of negus—Enter BUNNY (with a light flaxen wig) at C., followed by PHŒBE, carrying cloaks, shawls, hats, &c., &c. ”

“ Miss Phœbe, as you have undertaken the refreshment department, I presume, I need not remind you that the cakes are totally incapable of handing themselves about; neither can the negus ladle itself out. ”

“ DRAWING ROOMS, SECOND FLOOR, AND ATTICS. SCENE FIRST.—Interior of an Attic. Small door at L. flat; small attic window at C., shewing the slanting roof of a house beyond, with two large chimney pots, &c.
At the rising of the curtain, PHŒBE is discovered on chair, R., taking down linen, which is hanging up on a line, and depositing it in a clothes basket at her side.
PHŒBE. (singing) I’m off to Charlestown early in the morning ”

“ CAPT. H. I tell you I will!
(the CAPTAIN breaks from her, runs into room, and immediately returns, dragging on TRIPTOLEMUS, who is dressed in one of ARABELLA’S gowns, with shawl and bonnet, and veil drawn over his face)
TRIPTOLE. (assuming a woman’s voice, and turning his head away) I’m a married woman, sir, with a husband, sir, and ten children. ”

“ In a word, the theatre is no go—the orders is wasted, and we are disappointed in our hopes.
ARABEL. What! after the trouble of this elaborate toilette! No, I will not be disappointed, as you call it!
PHŒBE. (aside to her) That’s right.
ARABEL. I will go!
PHŒBE. (aside to her) Stick to that.
SHARP. Impossible! inclination points one way—dooty another.
ARABEL. (very impatiently) Explain yourself, sir!
(here TRIPTOLEMUS’S legs again appear, swaying about—kick the fire irons down again, and then are suddenly drawn up)
What can be the matter with the fire irons? Again, Mr. ”

“ CAPT. H. (looking suspiciously at ARABELLA, and then pointing to room, R. 2 E.) There.
ARABEL. (quickly) Oh! it’s only Mrs. Sheepshanks, the charwoman, putting my room to rights; she always comes on Mondays. ”