John Maddison Morton

“ As you say, David, I have been a sad scapegrace—a desperate rascal—but when a man has been cutting capers and nothing but capers for twenty years, it’s high time he cut them altogether—in plain English, I felt I had had my whack, and that’s why I’ve just married Miss Caroline Anastasia Sophia Elizabeth Carver! ”

“ Enter MRS. CARVER, hurriedly, R., and sees WOODCOCK with his arm in the sling.
MRS. C. (assuming a very pathetic attitude) Ah! it’s true! (screams and falls into chair, MRS. LARKINGS runs to her—WOODCOCK and LARKINGS exchange winks and laugh)
MRS. L. (to MRS. C.) Hush! the arm is only slightly, very slightly wounded.
MRS. C. I know better! they’ll have to amputate it! I shall have a one-armed son-in-law—a wretched, helpless cripple! (suddenly to MRS. LARKINGS) My dear friend, go to poor dear Caroline—don’t leave her till I’ve had time to do all my screaming! ”

“ I’m the most miserable woman in the world!
MRS. C. (soothingly) So you shall be, there! but what has happened?
MRS. L. (C.) My husband—Christopher has written a love letter to Mrs. Swansdown! Oh, the base, fickle, perfidious monster!
MRS. C. (R. C.) My dear friend, never indulge in a plurality of epithets; select one, a good one, and stick to it! I [Pg 30] never called Carver anything but a brute! But are you sure?
MRS. L. Quite certain! Mr. Swansdown has promised to send me the letter in half an hour; if it contains the proof of Christopher’s inconstancy, oh, what shall I do? ”

“ Woodcock, we’re waiting for you.
WOOD. (without) Here I am, Mrs. Carver.
Enter WOODCOCK, L., he has a crush hat on, a shawl round his neck, an Inverness cape, and carries a large bouquet in each hand—he is also in an elaborate evening dress.
MRS. C. At last! I thought you were never coming!
WOOD. (who looks miserable and in a sulky tone) You wouldn’t have me rush into a gentleman’s drawing room as if I’d got a wild bull at my heels?
MAID. Allow me, madam. (taking off MRS. WOODCOCK’S cloak)
MRS. C. Now, Marmy, make yourself useful! (motioning him to take off her cloak)
WOOD. Eh? oh, I know! ”

“ MRS. C. (watching them out and then turning to WOODCOCK, who looks at her and then turns his head away as if ashamed of himself) Am I awake? or is it a dream—a [Pg 37] nightmare? No! there he stands—at least, all that is left of him. Oh, Marmy! (sobbing loudly and burying her face in her handkerchief)
WOOD. (R.) Oh, Carver! (imitating MRS. CARVER)
MRS. C. (indignantly) So, sir! Scarce ten days married to the sweetest, the gentlest of her sex, you actually have the audacity to indite a declaration of love to another woman—a married woman too! ”

“ WOOD. (aside to SWANSDOWN) A thousand pardons, madam——
MRS. L. Refuse a lady? Fie—nay, I insist upon it!
(polka music without—SWANSDOWN begins very unwillingly to dance with MRS. LARKINGS—WOODCOCK anxiously following them and dancing a polka steps after them)
MRS. L. (while dancing) Besides, Mr. Larkings is dancing with Mrs. Swansdown!
SWANS. Ah! (polking savagely)
MRS. L. Yes, fourth time to-night!
WOOD. (still dancing after them, and aside to MRS. LARKINGS) Don’t tell him that, mum—don’t tell him that!
MRS. L. Luckily, I’m not jealous! Christopher is constancy itself! ”

“ Woodcock, like a sensible woman, entirely approves of the programme I have drawn up for our connubial existence. (taking paper out of his pocket) Here it is—I haven’t consulted her about it, but she entirely approves of it, nevertheless. In the morning she’ll attend to her household duties, while I go out fishing—I’m very fond of fishing! After dinner she’ll do a little gardening, water the plants, pull up the weeds, kill the caterpillars, while I smoke my cigar, and—look on. In the evening she’ll take her work, darn the stockings, sew on buttons, and so on, while I take a nap in my arm chair. ”

“ WOOD. Oh! that clock’s too fast! Look here! (taking out his watch) Holloa! Why it’s half-past two! That clock’s too slow.
MRS. W. How the time slips away!
WOOD. Yes! the last hour’s gone remarkably fast.
Music—some five or six couples, including MRS. LARKINGS and MRS. CARVER, come in at C., dancing the polka—the last couple consisting of MRS. CARVER and a very YOUNG MAN—polka ceases.
WOOD. (who has gone to door, L.) Ticket No. 81—two opera cloaks—a hat—a comforter—an Inverness cape!
MRS. C. Why! What is Marmy about? (to MRS. WOODCOCK)
MRS. W. Look at the clock, mamma! ”

“ MRS. L. (running to WOODCOCK) She’s here—Caroline! she’s heard of the duel; that you are wounded in the right arm— (WOODCOCK who has both arms in the sling, draws out the left) though of course I knew it was the left, (WOODCOCK changes arms again) when luckily—I don’t know how it came into my head—I told her it was not her husband but mine who—she’s here—don’t undeceive her; but first off with this. (dragging the sling violently off WOODCOCK’S neck)
Enter MRS. WOODCOCK, hurriedly C. from L.
MRS. W. (running to WOODCOCK) You are not wounded? ”

“ MRS. L. She hasn’t enjoyed what is called “life.”
WOOD. Eh? no—of course not; but——
MRS. L. You intend that she shall! of course! indeed, Mrs. Colonel Carver writes me word that she has arranged a delightful wedding trip for you.
WOOD. Has she? (aside) That’s kind of Carver! very!
MRS. L. Yes! Brussels, Switzerland, Italy, &c., &c., &c.; she hasn’t quite settled which.
WOOD. Hasn’t she? to tell you the truth no more have I. (aside) I shall seize the earliest opportunity of giving Carver notice to quit.
MRS. L. With a young and blooming bride for a companion, how delightful it will be! ”

“ That being the case, David, I hereby convey, transfer, and make over to you from the time being my entire stock of dress coats, ditto trousers, ditto waistcoats, white neckcloths, black hats, and patent leather boots.
DAVID. Oh, thank’ee, sir, thankee!
MRS. LARKINGS. (without) Don’t trouble yourself! I dare say you’ve plenty to do on such a day as this.
WOOD. Heyday! see who it is, David.
DAVID. (looking off at R. C.) It be a lady, sir. Lor! how I should laugh if it was one o’ your old London sweethearts come down to forbid the banns—ha, ha, ha! ”

“ I wonder if I shall ever have a good night’s rest again! Never mind, I’ll make up for it when I get back to Stow-on-the-Wold—if ever I do get back; I won’t get up for a month! I believe Mrs. Woodcock would go back if it wasn’t for Carver. I wish somebody would marry Carver! I’ll give any man a thousand pounds if he’ll marry—and after all, Carver’s not absolutely repulsive—and I’m sure there’s plenty of her for the money.
Enter SWANSDOWN in evening dress at C. from L.
SWANS. (going to door R., and taking ticket out of his pocket) Ticket No. ”

“ I see how it is—this arrangement of mamma’s may have interfered with some plan or your own—perhaps you intended taking us to Switzerland?
WOOD. (quickly) No, no!
MRS. C. (knowingly, R.) No, my dear; if Marmy had taken us anywhere it would have been to Italy.
WOOD. (still more quickly, L.) No, no, no; in short, I wish it to be distinctly understood, that having already paid two visits to the——
MRS. C. (interrupting) Yes, yes; never mind, Marmy, if you are a good boy, you shall take us to Italy next year! We’ll climb up Mount Vesuvius together, Marmy—to the very top, Marmy! ”

“ Woodcock, allow me. (polka—MRS. CARVER seizing her former partner and whirling him out after the others, at C. to L.)
WOOD. (who has been standing looking on with the opera cloaks, &c., &c., in his arms—dashes them down in a [Pg 27] lump on the stage) That’s a failure! Then I won’t go home at all! I’ll sleep here! (seizing up the cloaks, &c., and dashing them one after the other on the sofa, L. C., and then throwing himself upon them) There! (burying his head in the pillow) This is very comfortable——
SWANSDOWN hurries in, at L., very pale and excited.
SWANS. (as he enters) Woodcock! Woodcock! ”

“ MRS. C. Stow-on-the-Wold? Faugh! I’m speaking of London!
WOOD. (with a start) London?
MRS. C. Yes! Where we shall be this very evening. Yes, Marmy, that’s the little agreeable surprise we had in store for you, ha, ha, ha!
WOOD. (aside) Now, Woodcock, prove yourself a man, Woodcock—assert your dignity, Woodcock—and let Carver see you’re not going to stand any of Carver’s nonsense, Woodcock! (aloud and drawing himself up) Mrs. Lieutenant Colonel Carver— (thrusting his hand in his waistcoat, the paper parcel shews itself below it—WOODCOCK hastily thrusts it up again) I repeat, Mrs. ”

“ MRS. C. I did; every enquiry I made about you convinced me you were the very man I was looking for. “He is no second Carver,” said I, “he is not satiated with the pleasures, the gaieties, the amusements of the world,” said I, “he has never even tasted them,” said I, “and therefore,” said I, “he’ll be the more ready to plunge headlong into the dazzling and intoxicating scene before him,” said I.
WOOD. Did you?
MRS. C. Yes! “Caroline will plunge in with him,” said I, “and I—I shall plunge in after both of them,” said I.
WOOD. You? ”

“ I flirt with yours, but I don’t love her, at least, not yet! ha, ha! but I say, old fellow, don’t follow Swansdown’s example—what can a man on the wrong side of forty expect if he will go home to bed and leave a pretty young wife behind him, eh? ha, ha! (poking WOODCOCK in the side)
WOOD. Sir! my friend, Swansdown, has too much confidence——
LARK. (laughing) Of course he has, that’s the delicious part of it, ha, ha! I say, Woodcock. (taking his arm, and aside to him) I don’t mind telling you—and after all, I meant no harm—but when Mrs. ”

“ WOOD. Mrs. Lieutenant Colonel Carver——
MRS. C. Especially as it includes everything except plate, linen, firing and attendance; but that’s not all, Marmy, she vows she’ll not accept a single invitation unless we are included! When I say we, I mean Caroline, Marmy and me! (playfully and skipping about, R.)
WOOD. (aside—after a savage look at her) There are circumstances under which a man ought to be allowed to strangle his mother-in-law!
MRS. C. Ah! here comes Caroline, already equipped for travelling!
[Pg 16]
Enter MRS. WOODCOCK, R. 2 E., in travelling costume. ”

“ The upper right side of this page in the Samuel French edition was blank. Thus, the name of the theater and the last names of the actors were corrected or added based on the Roorbach edition. p. 4: there’s not the slightest doubt about it’s being all over!—Change “it’s” to “its”. pp. 6-7: Yes, fair lady. I entered the holy state of wedlock—Changed what appears to be a period to a comma in keeping with the Roorbach edition. p. 8: The gap! she is under twenty, while you —how old shall we say?—Inserted “are” in the blank space after “you” based on the Roorbach edition. ”

“ Dance? a [Pg 15] woman of her substance! she couldn’t do it! (aloud) I’m only afraid, my very dear Mrs. Carver, that “light fantastic toe” of yours won’t have much to do in our quiet little town of Stow-on-the-Wold! ”

“ No such thing, gentlemen—I appeal to you! Out with your watches! (LARKINGS and GENTLEMEN take out their watches—each presenting his to his LADY)
MRS. W. Another hour! Delightful!
MRS. C. Charming! (polka music resumed) Mrs. ”