George Colman

“ Trudge. Hum! I was thinking——I was thinking, sir—if so many natives could be caught, how much they might fetch at the West India markets!
Inkle. Scoundrel! is this a time to jest?
Trudge. No, faith, sir! Hunger is too sharp to be jested with. As for me, I shall starve for want of food. Now you may meet a luckier fate: you are able to extract the square root, sir; and that's the very best provision you can find here to live upon. ”

“ And did you, Narcissa, join in—
Nar. How could I, my dear sir, disobey you?
Patty. Lord your honour, what young lady could refuse a captain?
Camp. I am a soldier, Sir Christopher. Love and war is the soldier's motto; though my income is trifling to your intended son-in-law's, still the chance of war has enabled me to support the object of my love above indigence. Her fortune, Sir Christopher, I do not consider myself by any means entitled to. ”

“ Wows. Your countrymen dress so?
Trudge. Better, better a great deal. Why, a young flashy Englishman will sometimes carry a whole fortune on his back. But did you mind the women? [30] All here—and there; [Pointing before and behind.] they have it all from us in England.—And then the fine things they carry on their heads, Wowski.
Wows. Iss. One lady carry good fish——so fine, she call every body to look at her.
Trudge. Pshaw! an old woman bawling flounders. But the fine girls we meet, here, on the quay—so round and so plump!
Wows. You not love me now?
Trudge. Not love you! ”

“ Trudge. Lord, sir, I shall never recover what I have lost in coming abroad. When my master and I were in London, I had such a mortal snug birth of it! Why, I was factotum.
Med. Factotum to a young merchant is no such sinecure, neither.
Trudge. But then the honour of it. Think of that, sir; to be clerk as well as own man. Only consider. You find very few city clerks made out of a man, now-a-days. To be king of the counting-house, as well as lord of the bed-chamber. ”

“ As an opera, Inkle and Yarico has the singular merit not to be protected, though aided, by the power of music: the characters are so forcibly drawn, that even those performers who sing, and study that art alone, can render every part effectual: and singers and actors of future times, like those of the past, and of the present, will find every character exactly suited to their talents. ”

“ I know not what to think—I have given her distant hints of parting; but still, so strong her confidence in my affection, she prattles on without [50] regarding me. Poor Yarico! I must not—cannot quit her. When I would speak, her look, her mere simplicity disarms me; I dare not wound such innocence. Simplicity is like a smiling babe, which, to the ruffian that would murder it, stretching its little naked, helpless arms, pleads, speechless, its own cause. And yet, Narcissa's family—
Enter Trudge.
Trudge. There he is; like a beau bespeaking a coat—doubting which colour to choose—Sir—
Inkle. ”

“ Inkle. Are there no better inns in the town?
Trudge. Um——Why there is the Lion, I hear, and the Bear, and the Boar—but we saw them at the door of all our late lodgings, and found but bad accommodations within, sir.
Inkle. Well, run to the end of the quay, and conduct Yarico hither. The road is straight before you: you can't miss it.
Trudge. Very well, sir. What a fine thing it is to turn one's back on a master, without running into a wolf's belly! One can follow one's nose on a message here, and be sure it won't be bit off by the way. ”

“ Enter Medium and Trudge.
Med. Pshaw! it's only wasting time and breath. Bawling won't persuade him to budge a bit faster, and, whatever weight it may have in some places, bawling, it seems, don't go for argument here. Plague on't! we are now in the wilds of America.
Trudge. Hip, hillio—ho—hi!——
Med. Hold your tongue, you blockhead, or——
Trudge. Lord! sir, if my master makes no more haste, we shall all be put to sword by the knives of the natives. I'm told they take off heads like hats, and hang 'em on pegs, in their parlours. Mercy on us! ”

“ Trudge. A wife, sir! a white one.—I know it will vex you, but Miss Narcissa means to make you happy, to-morrow morning.
Inkle. To-morrow!
Trudge. Yes, sir; and as I have been out of employ, in both my capacities, lately, after I have dressed your hair, I may draw up the marriage articles.
Inkle. Whence comes your intelligence, sir?
Trudge. Patty told me all that has passed in the Governor's family, on the quay, sir. Women, you know, can never keep a secret. You'll be introduced in form, with the whole island to witness it. ”

“ Patty. Oh lud, ma'am, I'm frightened out of my wits! sure as I'm alive, ma'am, Mr. Inkle is not dead; I saw his man, ma'am, just now, coming ashore in a boat, with other passengers, from the vessel that's come to the island. ”

“ Patty. Don't tell me! A mighty civil reception you give a body, truly, after a six weeks parting.
Trudge. Gad, you're right; I am a little out here, to be sure. [Kisses her.] Well, how do you do?
Patty. Pshaw, fellow! I want none of your kisses.
Trudge. Oh! very well—I'll take it again. [Offers to kiss her.]
Patty. Be quiet. I want to see Mr. Inkle: I have a message to him from Miss Narcissa. I shall get a sight of him, now, I believe.
Trudge. May be not. He's a little busy at present. ”

“ Enter Campley.
Camp. Follow my advice, Narcissa, by all means. Enlist with me under the best banners in the world. General Hymen for my money! little Cupid's his drummer: he has been beating a round rub-a-dub on our hearts, and we have only to obey the word of command, fall into the ranks of matrimony, and march through life together.
Nar. Then consider our situation.
Camp. That has been duly considered. In short, the case stands exactly thus—your intended spouse is all for money; I am all for love. He is a rich rogue; I am rather a poor honest fellow. ”

“ No cares, love, but for food—and we'll live cheerily I warrant—In the fresh, early morning, you shall hunt down our game, and I will pick you berries—and then, at night I'll trim our bed of leaves, and lie me down in peace—Oh! we shall be so happy!——
Inkle. Hear me, Yarico. My countrymen and yours differ as much in minds as in complexions. We were not born to live in woods and caves——to seek subsistence by pursuing beasts——We christians, girl, hunt money; a thing unknown to you—But, here, 'tis money which brings us ease, plenty, command, power, every thing ”

“ Sir Chr. 'Sdeath, sir, how dare you look an honest man in the face?
Inkle. Sir, you shall feel—
Sir Chr. Feel!—It's more than ever you did, I believe. Mean, sordid wretch! dead to all sense of honour, gratitude, or humanity—I never heard of such barbarity! I have a son-in-law, who has been left in the same situation; but, if I thought him capable of such cruelty, dam'me if I would not turn him to sea, with a peck-loaf, in a cockle shell—Come, come, cheer up, my girl! You shan't want a friend to protect [62] you, I warrant you.— [Taking Yarico by the hand.] ”

“ Wows. 'Cause I can't see good friend in distress.
Trudge. That's a good girl! and I wish every body could boast of so kind a motive for such cursed cruel behaviour.—Lord! how some of your flashy bankers' clerks have cut me in Threadneedle street.—But come, though we have got among fine folks, here, in an English settlement, I won't be ashamed of my old acquaintance: yet, for my own part, I should not be sorry, now, to see my old friend with a new face.—Odsbobs! I see Mr. Inkle—Go in, Wows; call for what you like best. ”

“ Sir Chr. Eh!
Inkle. Renounce entirely. Ill-founded precept too long has steeled my breast—but still 'tis vulnerable—this trial was too much—Nature, 'gainst habit combating within me, has penetrated to my heart; a heart, I own, long callous to the feelings of sensibility; but now it bleeds—and bleeds for my poor Yarico. Oh, let me clasp her to it, while 'tis glowing, and [66] mingle tears of love and penitence. [Embracing her.]
Trudge. [Capering about.] Wows, give me a kiss! [Wowski goes to Trudge.]
Yar. And shall we—shall we be happy?
Inkle. Aye; ever, ever, Yarico. ”

“ Men now lived for themselves. These were his doctrines: then, sir, what would you say, should I, in spite of habit, precept, education, fly in my father's face, and spurn his councils?
Sir Chr. Say! why, that you were a damn'd honest, undutiful fellow. O curse such principles! Principles, which destroy all confidence between man and man—Principles which none but a rogue could instil, and none but a rogue could imbibe.—Principles——
Inkle. ”

“ All to a man——besides yourself, and a monkey——the three land lubbers, that edged away in the morning, goes for nothing, you know—they're all dead, may-hap, by this.
Mate. Dead! you be—Why they're friends of the captain; and if not brought safe aboard to-night, you may all chance to have a salt eel for your supper—that's all—Moreover the young plodding spark, he with the grave, foul weather face, there, is to man the tight little frigate, Miss Narcissa—what d'ye call her? that is bound with us for Barbadoes. ”

“ What, would you have a man of business come abroad, scamper extravagantly here and there and every where, then return home, and have nothing to tell, but that he has been here and there and every where? 'Sdeath, sir, would you have me travel like a lord?
Med. No, the Lord forbid!
Inkle. Travelling, uncle, was always intended for improvement; and improvement is an advantage; and advantage is profit, and profit is gain. Which in the travelling translation of a trader, means, that you should gain every advantage of improving your profit. ”

“ A fault more important, is—that the scene at the commencement of the opera, instead of Africa, is placed in America. It would undoubtedly have been a quick passage, to have crossed a fourth part of the western globe, during the interval between the first and second acts; still, as the hero and heroine of the drama were compelled to go to sea—imagination, with but little more exertion, might have given them a fair wind as well from the coast whence slaves are really brought, as from a shore where no such traffic is held 1. ”

“ Trudge. No?
Patty. No. Things are not prepared. The place isn't in order; and the servants have not had proper notice of the arrival. Sir Christopher intends Mr. Inkle, you know, for his son-in-law, and must receive him in public form, (which can't be till to-morrow morning) for the honour of his governorship: why the whole island will ring of it.
Trudge. The devil it will! ”

“ Trudge. [Staring.] Zounds! what a devil of a fellow! Sell Wows!—my poor, dear, dingy, wife!
Plant. Come, come, I've heard your story from the ship.—Don't let's haggle; I'll bid as fair as any trader amongst us. But no tricks upon travellers, young man, to raise your price.——Your wife, indeed! Why she's no christian!
Trudge. No; but I am; so I shall do as I'd be done by: and, if you were a good one yourself, you'd know, that fellow-feeling for a poor body, who wants your help, is the noblest mark of our religion.—I [33] wou'dn't be articled clerk to such a fellow for the world. ”

“ Sir Chr. And, dam'me, if I would not kick any man into the New River that had done me an injury. There's the difference of our honesty. Oons! if you want to be an honest fellow, act from the impulse of nature. Why, you have no more gall than a pigeon.
Med. And you have as much gall as a turkey cock, and are as hot into the bargain—You're always so hasty; among the hodge-podge of your foibles, passion is always predominant.
Sir Chr. So much the better.——Foibles, quotha? foibles are foils that give additional lustre to the gems of virtue. ”

“ When cold comes, or when 'tis hot,
Ah, don't go grieve me!
Poor Wowski will be forgot—
White man, don't leave me!
Trudge. Zounds! leopard's skin for winter wear, and feathers for a summer's suit! Ha, ha! I shall look like a walking hammer-cloth, at Christmas, and an upright shuttlecock, in the dog days. And for all this, if my master and I find our way to England, you shall be part of our travelling equipage; and, when I get there, I'll give you a couple of snug rooms, on a [23] first floor, and visit you every evening, as soon as I come from the counting-house. Do you like it?
Wows. ”

“ Inkle. Confusion! If he should hear of Yarico! [Aside.]
Med. But at present you are all and all with him; he has been telling me his intentions these six weeks; you'll be a fine warm husband, I promise you.
[54]
Inkle. This cursed connexion! [Aside.]
Med. It is not for me, though, to tell you how to play your cards; you are a prudent young man, and can make calculations in a wood.
Inkle. Fool! fool! fool! [Aside.]
Med. Why, what the devil is the matter with you?
Inkle. It must be done effectually, or all is lost; mere parting would not conceal it. ”

“ These ornaments would be worth something in England.—We have little to fear here, I hope: this cave rather bears the pleasing face of a profitable adventure.
Trudge. Very likely, sir! But for a pleasing face, it has the cursed'st ugly month I ever saw in my life. Now do, sir, make off as fast as you can. If we once get clear of the natives' houses, we have little to fear from the lions and leopards: for by the appearance of their parlours, they seem to have killed all the wild beast in the country. Now pray, do, my good master, take my advice, and run away.
Inkle. ”

“ Inkle! master; hollo!
Med. [Stops his mouth.] Head aches! Zounds, so does mine, with your confounded bawling. It's enough to bring all the natives about us; and we shall be stripped and plundered in a minute.
[8]
Trudge. Aye; stripping is the first thing that would happen to us; for they seem to be woefully off for a wardrobe. I myself saw three, at a distance, with less clothes than I have, when I get out of bed: all dancing about in black buff; just like Adam in mourning. ”

“ Od! I'm so happy, I hardly know which way to turn; but we'll have the carriage directly; drive down to the quay; trundle old Spintext into church, and hey for matrimony!
Camp. With all my heart, Sir Christopher; the sooner the better.
Sir Christopher, Campley, Narcissa, Patty.
Sir Chr. Your Colinettes, and Arriettes,
Your Damons of the grove,
Who like fallals, and pastorals,
Waste years in love;
But modern folks know better jokes,
And, courting once begun,
To church they hop at once—and pop—
Egad, all's done!
All. In life we prance a country dance,
Where every couple stands ”