John O'Keeffe

“ Lor. Spirits! ever gay, ever sprightly, cheerful as a lark—but how shall I forget my Florence lover, my dear Ramirez?
Isab. I request, my dear, you'll not think of this Ramirez—even from your own account of him, he must be a person of most dissolute principles—fortunately he knows you only by your name of Lorenza. I hope he won't find you out here.
Lor. Then farewell, beloved Ramirez! In obedience to your commands, madam, I shall accept of this Don Fernando; and as a husband, I will love him if I can—
AIR VII.—LORENZA.
Love! ”

“ Calvette and Rapino ascend; the rest go in at several Recesses; Spado, the last, ascends up slowly.
Enter Don Alphonso.
Don Alph. I find myself somewhat refreshed by my slumber; at such a time to fall into the hands of these ruffians, how unlucky! I'm pent up here; my rival, Fernando, once my friend, reaches Don Scipio's castle, weds my charming Victoria, and I lose her for ever; but if I could secure an interview, love should plead my cause. ”

“ Don Fernando! Oh, then, this is the rascally valet, but I'll give him a welcome with a vengeance!
Spado. Hold, madam! Suppose, for a little sport, you seem to humour the deceit, only to see how the fellow acts his part; he'll play the gentleman very well, I'll warrant; the dog is an excellent mimic; for, you must know, ma'am, this Pedrillo's mother was a gipsy, his father a merry andrew to a mountebank, and he himself five years trumpeter to a company of strolling players. ”

“ Don Scipio. Ha! ha! ha! can't forget Pedrillo.—But come, ha' done with your Pedrillos now—be yourself, son-in-law.
Ped. Yes, I will be yourself, son-in-law, you are sure of that honour, Don Scipio; but pray, what fortune am I to have with your daughter? You are a grey-headed old fellow, Don Scipio, and by the course of nature, you know, you cannot live long.
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Don Scipio. Pardon me, sir, I don't know any such thing. ”

“ A beautiful man, I warrant—But, ma'am, you're not to have him. Hush! Dame Isabel, not content with making your father, by slights and ill usage, force your brother, poor Don Cæsar, to run about the world, in the Lord knows what wild courses, but she now has persuaded the old gentleman to pass her daughter on Don Fernando, for you—There, yonder she is, flaunting, so be-jewelled and be-plumed—Well, if I was you, they might take my birthright—but my husband—take my man—the deuce shall take them first! ”

“ All the young girls—whenever I got behind—Inside of a coach,—All the ladies of distinction, whether they were making their beds, or dressing the—dressing themselves at the toilet, would run to the windows,—peep through their fingers, their fans I mean, simper behind their handkerchiefs, and lisp out in the softest, sweetest tones, "Oh, dear me, upon my honour and reputation, there is not such a beautiful gentleman in the world, as this same Don Pedrill—Fernando." ”

“ This is fortunate; the whole family, except Victoria, are firmly possessed with the idea that I am but the servant.—Well, since they will have me an impostor, they shall find me one: In Heaven's name, let them continue in their mistake, and bestow their mock Victoria upon my sham Fernando. I shall have a pleasant and just revenge for their perfidy; and, perhaps, obtain Don Scipio's real, lovely daughter, the sum of my wishes.—Here comes Don Scipio—Now to begin my operations. ”

“ Spado. Sir!—This Dame Isabel is, it seems, a widow-gentlewoman, whom Don Scipio has retained ever since the death of his lady, as supreme directress over his family, has such an ascendancy, prevailed on him even to drive his own son out of his house, and, ha! ha! ha! is now drawing the old don into a matrimonial noose, ha! ha! ha! Egad, I am told, rules the roast here in the castle—Yes, yes, she's my mark—Hem! ”

“ Don Scipio. Isabel has been too good, and I too bad a parent!—Ha! ha! ha! then fate has decreed you are to be my daughter, some way or other.
Ped. Yes; but has fate decreed that my sposa is to be another man's wife?
Spado. And, sir, [To Scipio.] if fate has decreed that your son is not to be hanged, let the indulgence extend to the humblest of his followers. ”

“ Vict. Signor, do not despise me if I own, that, before I saw in you the husband of Don Scipio's daughter, I did not once regret that I had lost that title.
Don Fer. A thousand thanks for this generous, this amiable condescension.—Oh, my Victoria! if fortune but favours my design, you shall yet triumph over the malice of your enemies.
Vict. Yonder is Dame Isabel, if she sees you speaking to me, she'll be early to frustrate whatever [44] you may purpose for my advantage. Signor, farewell!
Don Fer. My life, my love, adieu!
AIR XIII. DUET.—Victoria and Fernando. ”

“ Don Scipio. Oh dear! this is my preserver!
Spado. Who's there! Oh, you are the worthy old gentleman I rescued from these rascal banditti.
Don Scipio. Noble, valiant stranger—I—
Spado. No thanks, signor; I have saved your life; and a good action rewards itself.
Don Scipio. A gallant fellow, 'faith—Eh, as well as I could distinguish in the dark, you looked much taller just now.
[Looking close at him.
Spado. When I was fighting? true, anger raises me—I always appear six foot in a passion: besides, my hat and plume added to my height.
Don Scipio. [By Accident treading on the Purse.] ”

“ Then call Calvette, lock down the trap-door, and get us some more wine from the cistern.
Spado. Wine! Ay, captain; and this being a night of peace, we'll have a dish of olives.
Sang. No, peace! we'll up and scour the forest presently. But well thought on; a rich old fellow, one Don Scipio, has lately come to reside in the castle on the skirts of the forest—what say you to plunder there? ”

“ Good sir, we are eternally indebted to you for this timely notice of the imposition.
Spado. Madam, I've done the common duties of an honest man—I have been long in the family, and can't see my master making such a fool of himself, without endeavouring to prevent any mischance in consequence. ”

“ Spado. There, sir, in this sculking hole the villains live in all manner of debauchery, and dart out upon the innocent traveller, like beasts of prey.
Don Scipio. Oh, the tigers! just so they fastened upon me last night, but your sham Fernando, and I, [33] made them run like hares; I gave him my purse for his trouble.
Spado. And he took it! what a mean fellow!—you ought not to have ventured out unarmed—I always take a blunderbuss when I go upon the road—the rascal banditti are most infernal cowards. ”

“ What your modesty regards as cold compliments, are sentiments warm with the dearest purpose; I came hither to ratify a contract with Don Scipio's daughter; you are she, the beautiful Victoria, destined for the happy Fernando. ”

“ Spado. Ay, captain, let's have a choice rummaging.
[Cocks his Pistol.
Ped. Oh, Lord! there's the barrel-organ!
Don Cæsar. Stop! hold! I command you.
Don Scipio. Oh, heavens! then is Ramirez the terrible captain of the cut-throats—the grand tiger of the cave?—But all my fault! the unnatural parent [68] should be punished in a rebellious child. My life is yours. ”

“ Enter Pedrillo, richly dressed.
Ped. [To Fernando.] How now, sirrah! loitering here, and leave me to dress myself, hey!
[With great Authority.
Don Fer. Sir, I was——
[With Humility.
Ped. Was!—and are—and will be, a lounging rascal, but you fancy you are still in your finery, you idle vagabond!
Don Scipio. Bless me, Don Fernando is very passionate, just like his father.
Don Fer. [Aside.] The fellow, I see, will play his part to the top.
Ped. Well, Don Scipio,—A hey! an't I the man for the ladies? [Strutting.] I am, for I have studied Ovid's Art of Love.
Don Scipio. ”

“ Lor. Sir!—I swear he's a polite cavalier! [Aside.] Won't you please to sit, sir? I fancy you must be somewhat weary.
[Sits.
Don Scipio. What the devil! Eh, sure—what this fellow only Don Fernando's footman! how! it can't be!
Isab. A fact; and presently you'll see Don Fernando himself in livery.
Don Scipio. Look at the impudent son of a gipsy—Sat himself down—Zounds! I'll—
Isab. Hold! let him play off a few of his airs.
Don Scipio. A footman! Ay, this accounts for his behaviour in the forest—Don Fernando would never have accepted my purse— [Taps his Shoulder.] ”

“ Had O'Keeffe written less, his reputation would have stood higher with the public; and so would that of many an author beside himself: but when a man makes writing his only profession—industry, and prudent forecast for the morrow, will often stimulate him to produce, with heavy heart, that composition which his own judgment condemns. ”

“ Don Scipio. It grows lighter: I think I can distinguish the path I lost—follow me, my hero, and [As going, suddenly turns, and looks steadfastly at Don Fernando.] Zounds, signor, I hope you are not in a passion, but I think you look six feet high again.
Don Fer. A strange, mad old fellow this!
[Aside.
Don Scipio. These rascals may rally, so come along to my castle, and my daughter Victoria shall welcome the preserver of her father.
[20]
Don Fer. Your daughter Victoria! Then, perhaps, sir, you are Don Scipio, my intended father-in-law?
Don Scipio. Eh! why, zounds! ”

“ Let it be known to the world, that more than half the authors who come before them thus apparently bold and self-approved, are perhaps sinking under the shame of their puerile works, and discerning in them more faults, from closer attention and laudable timidity, than the most severe of their censurers can point out. ”

“ Spado. [As entering.] I have no key—However, I have stolen Don Fernando's portmanteau as a peace-offering for these two rascals! Are you there? What a pity the coming of my fellow-rogues! I should have had the whole castle to myself—Oh, what a charming seat of work for a man of my industry— [Speaking at Closet Door.] You find the chests there—you may [36] convey them out at night, and as for cutting Don Scipio's throat—that I leave to—
Enter Don Scipio.
Don Scipio. Cut my throat!—What, are you at your dreams again?
Spado. [Aside.] Oh, zounds!—Yes, sir, as I was telling you. ”

“ Ay, ay, he ha'n't long to live.
[Apart.
Don Scipio. An hundred pistoles!
Spado. Sir, have an eye upon their captain, as they call him, he's the most abandoned, impudent profligate— [Suddenly turning sees Cæsar, who shows a Pistol.] Captain did I say? [Terrified.] Oh, no; the captain's a very worthy good-natured fellow—I meant a scoundrel, who thinks he ought to be captain, one Sanguino, the most daring, wicked, and bloody villain that— [Turning the other may, perceives Sanguino with a Pistol.] ”

“ I will—Sir, you are Fernando, and I am Pedrillo.
Don Fer. Dull rogue! [Aside.] I told you, sir, he'd persist in it.
[Apart to Don Scipio.
Don Scipio. Yes, I see it; but I tell you what, Don Fernando.— [Lorenza sings without.] My daughter! Zounds! don't let your mistress see you any more in this cursed livery.—Look at the gentleman, hold up your head—egad, Pedrillo's acting was better than your natural manner.
Don Fer. Ah, sir, if you were to see my master dressed—the livery makes such an alteration!
Don Scipio. True! curse the livery.
Ped. It's bad enough ”

“ Well, good sir.
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Spado. "And, (continued he) Spado, I appoint you my trusty spy in this Don Scipio's family; to cover our designs, let it be a secret that you belong to me, and I sha'n't seem even to know you—You'll easily get a footing in the family (says he) by imposing some lie or other upon a foolish woman, I'm told, is in the castle. Dame Isabel I think they call her." ”

“ Enter Pedrillo.
Ped. He! he! he! Yes, my master has certainly married the little nunnery-girl—Ha! ha! ha! Alphonso to demand satisfaction of me! no, no, Don Fernando is a master for the gentlemen, I am a man for the ladies.
AIR XIX.—PEDRILLO.
A soldier I am for a lady,
What beau was e'er arm'd completer? ”

“ Don Scipio. Do let me have it—Zounds, here's five pistoles, and the gold of the ring is not worth a dollar.
Spado. We always humour him; give him this ring, and take the money.
[Apart.—Gives Fernando a Ring.
Don Fer. [Presents it to Don Scipio.] There, sir.
Don Scipio [Gives Money.] And there, sir—Oh, you mercenary rascal! [Aside.] I knew 'twas in the purse I gave you last night in the forest.
Spado. Give me the cash, I must account for his pocket money.
[Apart to, and taking the Money from Fernando.
Ped. [Without.] Pedrillo! Pedrillo! sirrah! ”

“ Spado. I see how this is—our captain's to carry off the lady, and my brethren all the booty, what's left for me then? No, devil a bit they'll give me—Oh, I must take care to help myself in time—Got nothing yet, but that portmanteau, a few silver spoons, and tops of pepper-castors; let's see, I've my tools here still— [Takes out Pistols.] 'Egad, I'll try and secure a little before these fellows come, and make a general sweep—Eh, [Looks out.] My made-up Fernando! ”

“ Oh, these must be the upper servants of the family—her ladyship here is the housekeeper, I suppose—the young tawdry tit, lady's maid— (Hey, her mistress throws off good clothes,) and Old Whiskers, Don Scipio's butler.
[Aside.
Enter Don Fernando.
Don Fer. Pedrillo! how! seated! what means this disrespect?
Ped. Sir, [Rises to him.] Old Whiskers, the butler there, asked me to sit down by Signora the waiting-maid here.
Don Fer. Sirrah!
Ped. Yes, sir.
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Don Scipio. Sir and sirrah! how rarely they act their parts! ”

“ We wander alone, like the babes in the wood,
With our, &c.
My master is fighting, and I'll take a peep,
Galloping, dreary, dun,
But now I think better, I'd better go sleep,
With my, &c.
[Exit.
SCENE III. A thicker Part of the Forest.—Large Tree and Stone Cross.
Enter Don Scipio, attacked by Sanguino, Rapino, and Calvette.
Sang. Now, Rapino, lop off his sword-arm.
Don Scipio. Forbear! there's my purse, you rascals!
[Throws it down.
Sang. Fire!
Spado. [Peeping from the large Tree.] No, don't fire.
Sang. I am wounded—hew him to pieces. ”