John O'Keeffe

“ Exeunt all Banditti but Spado.
Don Scipio What, then, you won't let me be murdered. My dear boy! my darling! Forgive me!—I—I—I pardon all.
Don Cæsar. Then, sir, I shall first beg it for my companions; if reclaimed, by the example of their leader, their future lives will show them worthy of mercy; if not, with mine let them be forfeit to the hand of justice.
Don Scipio. Some, I believe, may go up—Eh, little Spado, could you dance upon nothing?
Spado. Yes, sir; but our captain, your son, must lead up the ball. ”

“ Sir Geo. I'm an old fool! Well, that's damn'd civil of you, madam niece, and I'm a grey shepherd—with her visions and her vines, and her lambs in a ditch; but as for you, young Mr. Goat, I'll butt you——
Rover. My dear Abrawang, give up the game—her ladyship, in seeming to take you for her uncle, has been only humming you! What the devil, don't you think the fine creature knows her own true born uncle? ”

“ Now, with Tallyho's consent, and the amiable Celia's acceptance of my passion, I've no alloy to my golden delights, but the mournful memory of Lord Winlove, thus revived, in my unhappy sister's recent elopement.—Was she still in possession of her unsullied name, I, of my Celia's love, and the esteem of such a friend as Lord Winlove could have been—Fortune might do her worst.
AIR.—HENRY.
Let Fame sound her trumpet, and cry, "To the war!"
Let glory re-echo the strain;
The full tide of honour may flow from the scar,
And heroes may smile on their pain. ”

“ Sim. That's it! He's at it! [Claps.] Laugh, feyther.
F. Gam. Hold your tongue, boy! I believe he's no better than he should be. The moment I saw him, says I to myself, you are a rogue.
Rover. There you spoke truth for once in your life.
F. Gam. I'm glad to hear you confess it. But her ladyship shall have the vagrants whipp'd out of the country.
Rover. Vagrant! "Thou wretch! despite o'erwhelm thee!" "Only squint, and, by Heaven, I'll beat thy blown body till it rebounds like a tennis ball."
Sim. Beat my feyther! No, no. Thou must first beat me. [Puts himself in a posture of defence.]
Rover. ”

“ Catil. Lord, man, what signifies your going about to sift me, when the whole family knows you're Don Fernando's footman.
Don Fer. Am I faith? Ha! ha! ha! I'll humour this—Well then, my dear, you know that I am only Don Fernando's footman?
Catil. Yes, yes, we know that, notwithstanding your fine clothes.
Don Fer. But where's my master?
Catil. Don Fernando! he's parading the gallery yonder, in his sham livery and morning gown. ”

“ Henry. Tell me, Rosa, why would you quit the convent?
Rosa. [Aside.] I must get Henry out of the house before my Lord Winlove comes back! how shall I?—Come, take me, I'll go with you there this instant—do forgive me; come, dear brother!
Henry. Yes, yes; I'll lodge you once more:—yet how perplexing! if I quit Fontainbleau at this juncture, I may lose my wished-for interview, with the unknown charmer that brought me hither.
Rosa. [Aside.] Ruin! I think I hear—if it should be Lord Winlove!—Come, Henry, I have but little preparation, and will immediately attend you. ”

“ Abrawang! I never heard of him; but, Dick, why would you let him persuade you to such a scandalous affair?
Harry. Why faith, I would have been off it; but when once he takes a project into his head, the devil himself can't drive him out of it.
Rover. Yes; but the constable may drive him into Winchester gaol.
Harry. Eh! your opinion of our intended exploit has made me ashamed of myself—Ha! ha! ha! Harkey, Jack, to frighten and punish my adviser, do you still keep on your character of young 'Squire Thunder—you can easily do that, as he, no more than myself, has ever seen the young gentleman. ”

“ Lor. Spirits! ever gay, ever sprightly, cheerful as a lark—but how shall I forget my Florence lover, my dear Ramirez?
Isab. I request, my dear, you'll not think of this Ramirez—even from your own account of him, he must be a person of most dissolute principles—fortunately he knows you only by your name of Lorenza. I hope he won't find you out here.
Lor. Then farewell, beloved Ramirez! In obedience to your commands, madam, I shall accept of this Don Fernando; and as a husband, I will love him if I can—
AIR VII.—LORENZA.
Love! ”

“ Miss Dolly B. Said! to who, pray?
Lack. To myself—and you know, if a gentleman breaks his word to himself, what dependence can the world have on him—You're a fine creature—but I would not tell a lie for all the women in France.
Miss Dolly B. [Aside.] What a high notion of honour!—a much handsomer man too, than either Tallyho, or the colonel—Ecod, he's a charming, flashy beau!—I have a great mind——
Lack. [Aside.] Just as I thought—of fifty lovers with this young lady, I see, the last is the most welcome.
Miss Dolly B. I vow, I've a mind—but pa says you've no money.
Lack. Me! no money! ”

“ Sir Geo. George and Mary! here's levelling, here's abolition of title with a vengeance!
Lady Am. Kinsman, be patient; thou, and thy son, my cousin Henry, whom I have not beheld, I think, these twelve years, shall be welcome to my dwelling. Where now abideth the youth?
Sir Geo. At the Naval Academy, at Portsmouth.
Lady Am. May I not see the young man?
Sir Geo. What, to make a quaker of him?—No, no. But, hold, as she's now a wealthy heiress, her marrying my son Harry, will keep up and preserve her title in our own family too. [Aside.] Would'st thou really be glad to see him? thou shalt, Mary. ”

“ Don Fernando! Oh, then, this is the rascally valet, but I'll give him a welcome with a vengeance!
Spado. Hold, madam! Suppose, for a little sport, you seem to humour the deceit, only to see how the fellow acts his part; he'll play the gentleman very well, I'll warrant; the dog is an excellent mimic; for, you must know, ma'am, this Pedrillo's mother was a gipsy, his father a merry andrew to a mountebank, and he himself five years trumpeter to a company of strolling players. ”

“ Enter Tallyho.
Tall. I'm an excellent whipper-in for the bottle—Oh, ho! [Looking at Henry, then takes him under the Arm.] Come along.
Henry. Where?
Tall. To get drunk, to be sure—You wear his Majesty's cloth, and go to bed sober, when my English Whirligig has beat the mounseers!—Such a pack of jolly dogs! such burgundy!—won't you come and get drunk with us?
Henry. Certainly, my boy—but, pray, Tallyho, can you tell me—you saw the young lady that parted from me now—admirably handsome!——
Tall. Handsome! Yes, every body says she's like me.
Henry. I shall soon call her mine. ”

“ Rover. You'll get nothing by it. Do you know, you villain, that I am this moment the greatest man living?
Twitch. Who, pray?
Rover. "I am the bold Thunder!" Sirrah, know that I carry my purse of gold in my coat-pocket. Though damme if I know how a purse came there. [Aside, and takes it out.] There's twenty pictures of his majesty; therefore, in the king's name, I free his liege subject; [Takes Banks away.] and now who am I? Ah, ah!
Twitch. Ten pieces short, my master; but if you're a housekeeper I'll take this and your bail.
Rover. Then for bail you must have a housekeeper? What's to be done! ”

“ Tall. Ha! ha! ha! Ah, well, Lackland, you're so full of jokes, that you even laugh at the elbows, ha! ha! ha! that is the best humoured suit of clothes—
Lack. [Calmly.] Sir, if you were any body else, upon my honour, I'd knock you down!
Tall. Hold, if you raise your arm, you'll increase the laugh—Come, don't be angry, [Looks out.] and I'll help you to a graver sort o'coat, that's not quite so much upon the broad grin, ha! ha! ha! Hush! I'll introduce you to Colonel Epaulette yonder.
Lack. [Looking.] That, ay, a right Frenchman; one might guess by his mirth that he has lost to day. ”

“ Calvette and Rapino ascend; the rest go in at several Recesses; Spado, the last, ascends up slowly.
Enter Don Alphonso.
Don Alph. I find myself somewhat refreshed by my slumber; at such a time to fall into the hands of these ruffians, how unlucky! I'm pent up here; my rival, Fernando, once my friend, reaches Don Scipio's castle, weds my charming Victoria, and I lose her for ever; but if I could secure an interview, love should plead my cause. ”

“ Enter Sir George.
Sir Geo. Now to relieve these foolish seagulls—they must be hovering about this coast—Ha! puppy unknown!—
Rover. You're the very man I was seeking.—You are not ignorant, Mr. Abrawang—
Sir Geo. Mr. what?
Rover. You will not resign your title, ha, ha, ha! Oh, very well, I'll indulge you,—Sir George Thunder, you honoured me with a blow.
Sir Geo. Did it hurt you?
Rover. 'Sdeath! but let me proceed like a gentleman; as it's my pride to reject even favours, no man shall offer me an injury.
Sir Geo. Eh!
Rover. In rank we're equal.
Sir Geo. Are we faith? [Smiling.] ”

“ Henry. I feel for you, sincerely!
Lack. What d'ye mean? Oh, my— [Looking at his Clothes.] Pshaw! never mind a man's outside; I've a heart within, equally warm to an old friend, in snow, or sunshine.
Henry. That I have passed so many happy, happy days with!
Lack. Have—ay, and will again.
Henry. All gone?—Play, I suppose?
Lack. Ay, my dear fellow! play, and pleasure, and—but what the devil, musty melancholy! Come to sport here at the races, eh? flush?
Henry. Why, 'faith, Lackland, as to cash, my affairs, at present, are little better than your own. ”

“ A beautiful man, I warrant—But, ma'am, you're not to have him. Hush! Dame Isabel, not content with making your father, by slights and ill usage, force your brother, poor Don Cæsar, to run about the world, in the Lord knows what wild courses, but she now has persuaded the old gentleman to pass her daughter on Don Fernando, for you—There, yonder she is, flaunting, so be-jewelled and be-plumed—Well, if I was you, they might take my birthright—but my husband—take my man—the deuce shall take them first! ”

“ Rover. True, my lady; your guests ar'n't quakers though you are, and when we ask people to our house, we study to please them, not ourselves. But if we do furbish a play or two, the muses sha'n't honour that churlish fellow's barn. No; the god, that illumines the soul of genius, should never visit the iron door of inhumanity. No Gammon's barn for me!—
Lady Am. Barn! no; that gallery shall be thy theatre; and, in spite of the grave doctrines of Ephraim Smooth, my friends and I will behold and rejoice in thy pranks, my pleasant cousin. ”

“ Sir J. B. Ragouts! Pshaw!
Mrs. Casey. D'ye hear, George, carry that big piece of roast beef up to the Lion.
Sir J. B. [Goes to her.] Ay, and carry me up to the Lion, I like to dine in good company:—Who are you madam?
Mrs. Casey. I'm Mrs. Casey, at your service, sir; and I keep this house, the Lion of England.
Sir J. B. And are you English?
Mrs. Casey. Yes, that I am, born in Dublin; an honest Irish woman, upon my honour.
AIR.—MRS. CASEY.
The British Lion is my sign,
A roaring trade I drive on,
Right English usage, neat French wine,
A landlady must thrive on. ”

“ I will introduce thee to my sprightly cousin Harry, and his father, my humourous uncle; we have delights going forward that may amuse thee.
Amelia. Kind lady!
Lady Am. Come, smile—though a quaker, thou seest I am merry—the sweetest joy of wealth and power is to cheer another's drooping heart, and wipe from the pallid cheek the tear of sorrow. ”

“ This is fortunate; the whole family, except Victoria, are firmly possessed with the idea that I am but the servant.—Well, since they will have me an impostor, they shall find me one: In Heaven's name, let them continue in their mistake, and bestow their mock Victoria upon my sham Fernando. I shall have a pleasant and just revenge for their perfidy; and, perhaps, obtain Don Scipio's real, lovely daughter, the sum of my wishes.—Here comes Don Scipio—Now to begin my operations. ”

“ Henry. What! to be a scoundrel?
Tall. Oh, very well; if you're so nice—ay, now, you're a very delicate chicken! But, harkye, the next time you see sister Celia, don't look at her.
[Going
Henry. Stop, Tallyho—I think I'll punish my knowing one. [Aside.] On second thoughts, I will join with you in this roguery.
Tall. Then you're a cursed honest fellow—my sister's yours.
Henry. Ay, with her consent——
Tall. Her consent! if we make the match, what has her consent to do with it?—but I'll settle that—come, you shall have it from her own mouth, this instant.
Henry. But what shall I do with Rosa? ”

“ And, sir, shall you and I never act another scene together? Shall I never again play Colonel Standard for my own benefit? Never again have the pleasure of caning your honour in the character of Tom Errand.
Harry. In future, act the part of a smart hat and coat brusher; or I shall have the honour of kicking you in the character of an idle puppy. You were a good servant; but I find, by letting you crack your jokes, and sit in my company, you're grown quite a rascal. ”

“ Don Scipio. Ha! ha! ha! can't forget Pedrillo.—But come, ha' done with your Pedrillos now—be yourself, son-in-law.
Ped. Yes, I will be yourself, son-in-law, you are sure of that honour, Don Scipio; but pray, what fortune am I to have with your daughter? You are a grey-headed old fellow, Don Scipio, and by the course of nature, you know, you cannot live long.
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Don Scipio. Pardon me, sir, I don't know any such thing. ”

“ Sir J. B. What!—your hand, my Briton!—you shall never want a nail for your hat, in my parlour, at dinner time—you shall post my books, and take the whip hand of my lady's gig on a Sunday.
Lack. Drive a gig! My dear dad, you shall rattle up in your vis-a-vis, to the astonishment of all Garlick Hill.
Sir J. B. My dearee and I ride, side by side, in a vis-a-vis! ha! ha! ha!
Tall. Yes, and if you whip your gig down to Yorkshire, I'll mount her ladyship upon Whirligig, and, Sir Jackey, my lad, up you go again upon Kick-him-Jenny. ”

“ All the young girls—whenever I got behind—Inside of a coach,—All the ladies of distinction, whether they were making their beds, or dressing the—dressing themselves at the toilet, would run to the windows,—peep through their fingers, their fans I mean, simper behind their handkerchiefs, and lisp out in the softest, sweetest tones, "Oh, dear me, upon my honour and reputation, there is not such a beautiful gentleman in the world, as this same Don Pedrill—Fernando." ”

“ Banks. Step in here, young man; my fire is small, but it shall cheer you with a hearty welcome.
Rover. [To Banks.] The poor cottager! [To Gammon.] And the substantial farmer! [Kneels.] "Hear, Nature, dear goddess, hear! If ever you designed to make his corn-fields fruitful, change thy purpose; that, from the blighted ear no grain may fall to fat his stubble goose—and, when to town he drives his hogs, so like himself, oh, let him feel the soaking rain; then may he curse his crime too late, and know how sharper than a serpent's tooth 'tis"—Damme, but I'm spouting in the rain all this time. ”

“ Spado. Sir!—This Dame Isabel is, it seems, a widow-gentlewoman, whom Don Scipio has retained ever since the death of his lady, as supreme directress over his family, has such an ascendancy, prevailed on him even to drive his own son out of his house, and, ha! ha! ha! is now drawing the old don into a matrimonial noose, ha! ha! ha! Egad, I am told, rules the roast here in the castle—Yes, yes, she's my mark—Hem! ”

“ Rover. Will you be quiet with your Jacking? I'm now 'Squire Harry.
Harry. What?
Rover. I've been pressed into this service by an old man of war, who found me at the inn, and, insisting I am son to a Sir George Thunder, here, in that character, I flatter myself I have won the heart of the charming lady of this house.
Harry. Now the mystery's out. Then it's my friend Jack has been brought here for me! [Aside.] Do you know the young gentleman they take you for?
Rover. No: but I flatter myself he is honoured in his representative.
Harry. Upon my soul, Jack, you're a very high fellow. ”

“ Lady B. But, consider, my dear, if Colonel Epaulette does us the honour of a visit, how he'll be shocked at your appearance!
Sir J. B. Thank you, thank you, wife; but I don't think I'm quite so shocking.
Lady B. Then, if he does introduce us to the prince—Sir John, to tell you a secret, I have already sent for one Mr. Lapoche, a celebrated French tailor, to make you a new suit of clothes for the occasion.
Sir J. B. A French tailor for me!—very well, very well, ladies.
Enter First Waiter.
Waiter. Mr. Lackland, madam; would you chuse to see him?
Sir J. B. Ay, ay, let the poor devil come up. ”

“ Sir Geo. Tell me of your thee's and thou's, quaker's wills and mansions! I say, girl, though on the death of your father, my eldest brother, Loftus, Earl Thunder, from your being a female, his title devolved to his next brother, Robert; though, as a woman, you can't be an earl, nor as a woman, you can't make laws for your sex and our sex, yet, as the daughter of a peer, you are, and, by Heaven, shall be called Lady Maria Amaranth Thunder. ”

“ Vict. Signor, do not despise me if I own, that, before I saw in you the husband of Don Scipio's daughter, I did not once regret that I had lost that title.
Don Fer. A thousand thanks for this generous, this amiable condescension.—Oh, my Victoria! if fortune but favours my design, you shall yet triumph over the malice of your enemies.
Vict. Yonder is Dame Isabel, if she sees you speaking to me, she'll be early to frustrate whatever [44] you may purpose for my advantage. Signor, farewell!
Don Fer. My life, my love, adieu!
AIR XIII. DUET.—Victoria and Fernando. ”

“ Lapoche is, perhaps, an exact Frenchman of the time in which he was drawn; and, as such, the most agreeable object for an Englishman's ridicule. The mistakes which occur, to both Mr. and Mrs. Bull, in respect to this insignificant, and that pompous man, Epaulette, are incidents of very rich humour, though they place the opera more in that class of the drama, which is called farce, than in that of comedy. Such is the incident, but more excellent in its kind, of Lackland's courtship of Miss Dolly, and her equal affection for her three suitors. ”