John O'Keeffe

“ I will introduce thee to my sprightly cousin Harry, and his father, my humourous uncle; we have delights going forward that may amuse thee.
Amelia. Kind lady!
Lady Am. Come, smile—though a quaker, thou seest I am merry—the sweetest joy of wealth and power is to cheer another's drooping heart, and wipe from the pallid cheek the tear of sorrow. ”

“ Sir Geo. George and Mary! here's levelling, here's abolition of title with a vengeance!
Lady Am. Kinsman, be patient; thou, and thy son, my cousin Henry, whom I have not beheld, I think, these twelve years, shall be welcome to my dwelling. Where now abideth the youth?
Sir Geo. At the Naval Academy, at Portsmouth.
Lady Am. May I not see the young man?
Sir Geo. What, to make a quaker of him?—No, no. But, hold, as she's now a wealthy heiress, her marrying my son Harry, will keep up and preserve her title in our own family too. [Aside.] Would'st thou really be glad to see him? thou shalt, Mary. ”

“ Rover. True, my lady; your guests ar'n't quakers though you are, and when we ask people to our house, we study to please them, not ourselves. But if we do furbish a play or two, the muses sha'n't honour that churlish fellow's barn. No; the god, that illumines the soul of genius, should never visit the iron door of inhumanity. No Gammon's barn for me!—
Lady Am. Barn! no; that gallery shall be thy theatre; and, in spite of the grave doctrines of Ephraim Smooth, my friends and I will behold and rejoice in thy pranks, my pleasant cousin. ”

“ Rover. You'll get nothing by it. Do you know, you villain, that I am this moment the greatest man living?
Twitch. Who, pray?
Rover. "I am the bold Thunder!" Sirrah, know that I carry my purse of gold in my coat-pocket. Though damme if I know how a purse came there. [Aside, and takes it out.] There's twenty pictures of his majesty; therefore, in the king's name, I free his liege subject; [Takes Banks away.] and now who am I? Ah, ah!
Twitch. Ten pieces short, my master; but if you're a housekeeper I'll take this and your bail.
Rover. Then for bail you must have a housekeeper? What's to be done! ”

“ Enter Sir George.
Sir Geo. Now to relieve these foolish seagulls—they must be hovering about this coast—Ha! puppy unknown!—
Rover. You're the very man I was seeking.—You are not ignorant, Mr. Abrawang—
Sir Geo. Mr. what?
Rover. You will not resign your title, ha, ha, ha! Oh, very well, I'll indulge you,—Sir George Thunder, you honoured me with a blow.
Sir Geo. Did it hurt you?
Rover. 'Sdeath! but let me proceed like a gentleman; as it's my pride to reject even favours, no man shall offer me an injury.
Sir Geo. Eh!
Rover. In rank we're equal.
Sir Geo. Are we faith? [Smiling.] ”

“ Banks. Step in here, young man; my fire is small, but it shall cheer you with a hearty welcome.
Rover. [To Banks.] The poor cottager! [To Gammon.] And the substantial farmer! [Kneels.] "Hear, Nature, dear goddess, hear! If ever you designed to make his corn-fields fruitful, change thy purpose; that, from the blighted ear no grain may fall to fat his stubble goose—and, when to town he drives his hogs, so like himself, oh, let him feel the soaking rain; then may he curse his crime too late, and know how sharper than a serpent's tooth 'tis"—Damme, but I'm spouting in the rain all this time. ”

“ Sir Geo. Tell me of your thee's and thou's, quaker's wills and mansions! I say, girl, though on the death of your father, my eldest brother, Loftus, Earl Thunder, from your being a female, his title devolved to his next brother, Robert; though, as a woman, you can't be an earl, nor as a woman, you can't make laws for your sex and our sex, yet, as the daughter of a peer, you are, and, by Heaven, shall be called Lady Maria Amaranth Thunder. ”

“ Rover. Will you be quiet with your Jacking? I'm now 'Squire Harry.
Harry. What?
Rover. I've been pressed into this service by an old man of war, who found me at the inn, and, insisting I am son to a Sir George Thunder, here, in that character, I flatter myself I have won the heart of the charming lady of this house.
Harry. Now the mystery's out. Then it's my friend Jack has been brought here for me! [Aside.] Do you know the young gentleman they take you for?
Rover. No: but I flatter myself he is honoured in his representative.
Harry. Upon my soul, Jack, you're a very high fellow. ”

“ Sim. That's it! He's at it! [Claps.] Laugh, feyther.
F. Gam. Hold your tongue, boy! I believe he's no better than he should be. The moment I saw him, says I to myself, you are a rogue.
Rover. There you spoke truth for once in your life.
F. Gam. I'm glad to hear you confess it. But her ladyship shall have the vagrants whipp'd out of the country.
Rover. Vagrant! "Thou wretch! despite o'erwhelm thee!" "Only squint, and, by Heaven, I'll beat thy blown body till it rebounds like a tennis ball."
Sim. Beat my feyther! No, no. Thou must first beat me. [Puts himself in a posture of defence.]
Rover. ”

“ Rover. Beg your pardon, my dear Dick; but all the fault of—Plague on't, that a man can't sleep and breakfast at an inn, then return up to his bedchamber for his gloves that he'd forgot, but there he must find chambermaids, thumping feathers and knocking pillows about, and keep one when one has affairs and business. 'Pon my soul, these girls' conduct to us is intolerable. The very thought brings the blood into my face, and whenever they attempt to serve, provoke me so, damme but I will, I will—An't I right, Dick?
Harry. No; "all in the wrong." ”

“ And, sir, shall you and I never act another scene together? Shall I never again play Colonel Standard for my own benefit? Never again have the pleasure of caning your honour in the character of Tom Errand.
Harry. In future, act the part of a smart hat and coat brusher; or I shall have the honour of kicking you in the character of an idle puppy. You were a good servant; but I find, by letting you crack your jokes, and sit in my company, you're grown quite a rascal. ”

“ Harry. Richard Buskin, ma'am; the stage is my profession. In the young 'squire's late excursion, we contracted an intimacy, and I saw so many good qualities in him, that I could not think of being the instrument of his ruin, nor deprive your ladyship of so good a husband, as I am certain he'll make you.
Lady Am. Then Sir George intends to disown him?
Harry. Yes, ma'am; I've this moment told the young gentleman of it; and he's determined, for a jest, to return the compliment, by seeming to treat Sir George himself as an impostor. ”

“ Midge. Sir, I ask your pardon; but by making yourself my equal, I've got so used to familiarity, that I find it curst hard to shake it off.
Harry. Well, sir, pray mind, that familiarity is all over now. My frolic's out, I now throw off the player, and shall directly return. My father must by this time, have heard of my departure from the academy at Portsmouth; and, though I was deluded away by my rage for a little acting, yet 'twas wrong of me to give the gay old fellow any cause of uneasiness. ”

“ Thus, whilst we please ourselves, and perhaps amuse our friends, we shall make the poor happy.
[Exit.
Rover. An angel! If Sir George doesn't soon arrive, to blow me, I may, I think, marry her angelic ladyship; but will that be honest? She's nobly born, though I suspect I had ancestors too, if I knew who they were. I certainly entered this house the poorest wight in England, and what must she imagine when I am discovered? That I am a scoundrel; and, consequently, though I should possess her hand and fortune, instead of loving, she'll despise me—— [Sits down.] ”

“ Rover. What, what's all this?
Off. Why the furniture's seized on execution, and a man must do his duty.
Rover. Then, scoundrel, know, that a man's first duty is civility and tenderness to a woman.
Amelia. Heavens! where's my brother? This gentleman will bring himself into trouble.
Off. Master, d'ye see, I'm representative for his honour the High Sheriff.
Rover. Every High Sheriff should be a gentleman, and when he's represented by a rascal, he's dishonour'd.—Dem it, I might as well live about Covent Garden, and every night get beating the watch ”

“ Right, your ladyship: for charity hides a deal of sins. How good of you to think of the poor! that's so like me; I'm always contriving how to relieve my neighbours—you must lay Banks in jail to-night. [Apart to Twitch.]
Enter Jane.
Jane. A'nt please you, will your ladyship enter our humble dwelling, and rest your ladyship in feyther's great cane bottom'd elbow chair with a high back. [Curtsies.]
F. Gam. Do, my lady. To receive so great a body from her own chariot is an honour I dreamt not of; though, for the hungry and weary foot traveller, my doors are always open, and my morsel ready. ”

“ Enter Ephraim Smooth.
Eph. The man John Dory has carried the man George hither in his arms, and has locked him up. Coming into the house, they did look to me like a blue lobster with a shrimp in his claws—Oh, here is the damsel I love, and alone.
Jane. They say when folks look in the glass, at night, they see the black gentleman. ”

“ Sir Geo. What, how dare you reflect on the humours of the navy? The navy has very good humours, or I'd never see your dog's face again, you villain! But I'm cool. What, eh, boy, a snug, easy chariot?
Harry. I'll order it. Waiter, desire my father's carriage to draw up. [Calls.
Sir Geo. Mine, you rogue! I've none here. I mean Lady Amaranth's.
Harry. Yes, sir; Lady Amaranth's chariot! [Calling.]
Sir Geo. What are you at? I mean that which you left this house in.
Harry. Chariot! sir, I left this house on foot.
Sir Geo. What, with John Dory?
Harry. No, sir, with Jack Rover. ”

“ Lady Amaranth's.
Enter Jane, with a light.
Jane. I believe there's not a soul in the house but myself; my lady has sent all the folks round the country to search after the young 'squire, she'll certainly break her heart if any thing happens to him; I don't wonder, for surely he's a dear, sweet gentleman: the pity of it is, his going spoils all our fine play, and I had just got my part quite by heart; however, I must do the room up for Mr. Banks's sister, that my lady has invited here. ”

“ Banks has been arrested for thirty pounds, and this gentleman has paid twenty guineas of the debt.
Banks. My litigious neighbour to expose me thus!
Lady Am. The young man and maiden within, have spoken well of thy sister, and pictured thee as a man of irreproachable morals, though unfortunate.
Rover. Madam, he's the honestest fellow—I've known him above forty years, he has the best hand at stirring a fire—If you was only to taste his currant wine. ”

“ Exeunt Farmer Gammon and Sim.
Rover. Thou art an honest reptile, I'll make my entrée on the London boards in Bayes, yes, I shall have no comparison against me. "Egad, it's very hard that a gentleman and an author can't come to teach them, but he must break his nose, and—and—all that—but—so the players are gone to dinner."
Land. No such people frequent the Sun, I assure you.
Rover. "Sun, moon, and stars!"—Now mind the eclipse, Mr. Johnson.
Land. I heard nothing of it, sir.
Rover. "There's the sun between the earth and moon—there's the moon between the earth and the sun, tol, lol, lol! ”

“ We should have to-morrow night an overflow, ay, thirty pounds. Dear, worthy sir, you wou'dn't go to ruin a whole community and their families that now depend only on the exertion of your brilliant talents.
Rover. Eh! I never was uniform but in one maxim, that is, though I do little good, to hurt nobody but myself.
Lady Am. Since thou hast promised, much as I prize my adherence to those customs in which I was brought up, thou shalt not sully thy honour by a breach of thy word. Play, if it can bring good to these people. ”

“ Jane. Here's Madam Amelia, you see I've got her room ready; but I'll go make brother Sim look for the young 'squire. [Exit.
Enter Amelia.
Amelia. Oh, madam, might I implore your influence with—
Lady Am. Thou art ill accommodated here; but I hope thou wilt excuse—My mind is a sea of trouble, my peace shipwrecked—Oh, friend, hadst thou seen my cousin Harry, thou too, all who knew him, must be anxious for his safety.
John. [Without.] Heave a-head.
Enters with Sir George.
Sir Geo. Rascal! whip me up like a pound of tea, dance me about like a young bear, make me quit the preserver of my life! ”

“ Eph. Thy kinsman has made all the servants actors.
Lady Am. To act well is good service.
Eph. Here cometh the damsel for whom my heart yearneth.
Enter Jane, reading a paper joyfully.
Jane. Oh, ma'am, his honour the 'squire says the play's to be "As you like it."
Eph. I like it not.
Jane. He's given me my character. I'm to be Miss Audrey, and brother Sim's to be William of the forest, as it were. But how am I to get my part by heart?
Lady Am. By often reading it.
Jane. Well, I don't know but that's as good as any other. But I must study my part. "The gods give us joy." ”

“ Rover. It is. My good friend, if I was really the unfortunate poor strolling dog you thought me, I should tread your four boards, and crow the cock of your barn-door fowl; but as fate has ordained that I'm a gentleman, and son to Sir,—Sir,—what the devil's my father's name? [Aside.] you must be content to murder Shakspeare without making me an accomplice.
Lamp. But, my most gentle sir, I, and my treasurer, Trap, have trumpeted your fame ten miles round the country:—the bills are posted, the stage built, the candles booked, fiddles engaged; all on the tip-top of expectation. ”