John Maddison Morton

“ A thousand pardons, sir; did you speak?
GENTLEMAN. I was merely observing what a lovely meadow on those greens! I mean (another pause) I hear the harvest is likely to be a plentiful one, although I’m told that turnips are backward; I haven’t heard anything about carrots.
LADY (in an indifferent tone) . I beg pardon; were you speaking to me? (Aside.) Some gentleman farmer, evidently.
GENTLEMAN (nettled, and imitating her—aside) . “Were you speaking to me?” I rather think I was speaking to her! Holloa! she’s off to sleep again! No one can call her particularly wide-awake. ”

“ FANNY. There! I flatter myself I’ve managed that rather cleverly. I’ve given tranquillity to Jeremiah, happiness to Georgina; I’ve got mamma a husband, and— But stop a bit! who’s to get one for me? Oh dear, dear! I haven’t half done yet!
Enter MRS. MAJOR very hurriedly at C.
MRS. MAJOR. Oh! what shall I do? what shall I do?
FANNY. Georgina dear, what’s the matter?
MRS. MAJOR. Oh, Fanny, such an event! I quite forgot to tell you that a person—I can’t call him a gentleman—has been following me about everywhere in the most persevering, the most audacious manner, for the last month! ”

“ LADY (very quickly) . Not at all, sir; on the contrary! No—that is—
GENTLEMAN. Permit me to continue. That interest, I repeat, comes naturally to you, blessed, as I’m sure you are, with so sweet, so gentle, so affectionate a disposition.
LADY (very quickly) . Quite the reverse, I assure you, sir—I’ve a dreadful temper!
GENTLEMAN. Again: that charming hand is not less characteristic; it requires but one glance at those delicately tapered fingers— (About to take her hand; LADY hastily withdraws it.)
LADY (aside) . I do believe the man’s going to make love to me! ”

“ SKRUFF. Water-rate! Gas! Are you aware, young woman, that you’re addressing a gentleman?
SALLY. You don’t mean it? Well, that’s about the last thing I should have thought of! It only shows one mustn’t always judge by appearances.
SKRUFF (with importance) . I happen to be a friend of your master’s.
SALLY. Well, I am surprised—’cause master’s so very particular—then how came you to ring the servants’ bell?
SKRUFF (aside) . I never shall get out of that habit—been used to it so long, I suppose. (Aloud.) Is Mr. Gritty down?
SALLY. Can’t say, I’m sure, sir—but I know he ain’t up. ”

“ GENTLEMAN (aside) . Her full face is even better than her profile! (Aloud, and in a sentimental tone.) Ah, madam! would it were in my power to prolong this pleasant journey—this delightful tête-à-tête!
LADY (with dignity) . Sir!
GENTLEMAN (aside) . That’s no go! (Aloud.) I mean, madam, that one seems to travel too fast nowadays! (LADY expresses surprise.) In fact, we’re all too fast!
LADY (severely) . Sir!
GENTLEMAN (aside) . That’s no go! ”

“ SALLY. Yes, sir. We get on very comfortably, my young Missussesses and me.
SKRUFF (aside.) She gets on very comfortably, her young Missussesses and she.
SALLY. They give me their old dresses and does their own hair.
SKRUFF. Oh! they does their own hair, does they? Ah! (with intention) . It’s a nice thing, Sally, to come in for a hatful of money, eh?
SALLY. Yes, sir. Ever so much nicer than sixpence?
SKRUFF. Ah! Miss Hetty will be a fortunate girl, eh?
SALLY. Think so, sir?
SKRUFF. Unless, indeed, Miss Florence should be the lucky one? ”

“ ARTH. I can’t tell! (Suddenly.) Yes, I can, of course! It can only mean one thing (enthusiastically) —that she will let me hand her up the hammer—
SIR F. (shouting) . Confound it, drop that hammer! You’ve been hammering that hammer into my ears for the last ten minutes! Now! (turning VALLANCE round to him face to face) speak like a man of sense—if you’ve got any left in you!
ARTH. Well, then, I ventured to speak to my uncle—
SIR F. Old Cosey?
ARTH. Yes, old Cosey—about Myrtle, and he coolly told me I mustn’t think of getting married for the next ten or fifteen years! ”

“ ARTH. Have you forgotten all about the elopement, uncle?
COL. Elopement! Why, you ought to have been half way to the Sandwich Islands by this time!
ARTH. Ha! ha! We’ve arranged that little matter differently.
COL. (crustily) . Then what the deuce did you wake me up for?
SIR F. To let you go off to sleep again in a more comfortable frame of mind.
LADY F. Come, colonel! Arthur’s desperately in love with Myrtle.
SIR F. And Myrtle’s over head and ears in love with—
MYRT. (interrupting him) . Felix!
SIR F. With herself! They only wait your benediction. ”

“ SALLY. Well, sir, don’t you think it would be as well just to mention the name? Do you think you can manage that? Shall I take your card, sir?
SKRUFF. Yes! (taking out card-case) . No! (Aside.) Cards cost a shilling a hundred. Why should I waste one on people I’ve hardly ever seen. (Aloud.) You can say—“Mr. Samuel Skruff.” Do you think you can remember that?
SALLY. “Skruff!” Not likely to forget it, sir—such an aristocratic name. (Bringing forward a three-legged rustic seat.) Like to sit down, sir?
GRITTY (heard from house at L.) . Sally! My shaving water!—hot! all hot!
SALLY. Coming, sir! ”

“ SIR F. Pshaw! you carried the thing too far, sir!—a devilish deal too far!
ARTH. Come, I like that! I only did what you told me!—except that I didn’t tear my hair out by handfuls!
COL. (counting his pulse) . A hundred and twenty at the very least! (tossing a couple of pills into his mouth—then to VALLANCE) . Now, sir, what do you mean by making love to Lady Fritterly, and proposing an elopement to her? It’s scandalous, sir!
ARTH. Not the slightest doubt about it, uncle! but I only did it to oblige Sir Felix!
COL. Oblige Sir Felix by running off with his wife?
ARTH. Yes! ”

“ FANNY. But I don’t love him, mamma! I never could love him—even if I didn’t love somebody else!
MRS. P. (starting) . What’s that I hear? You love somebody else?
FANNY. Yes, and one who loves me, and one I’m determined to marry, or die an old maid. There!
MRS. P. (angrily) . Silence, miss!
FANNY (impatiently) . I won’t silence! If you think Sir Marmaduke such a very great catch, marry him yourself! I’ll consent to it, and give you away into the bargain! It’s quite evident you were never in love!
MRS. P. I beg your pardon! I was, intensely, with a youthful doctor! (Aside.) Poor Vicessimus! Ah! ”

“ I don’t mean his behavior to you—but to Myrtle! He’s not half so spooney—I mean attentive—as he used to be, and I fear there’s a reason for it! (with significance) .
LADY F. Indeed!
SIR F. Yes! he may be smitten with somebody else! At his age the affections are fickle, volatile—skipping like a flea—
LADY F. Felix!
SIR F. I mean sipping like a bee from flower to flower! Myrtle is young—very young; but even youth like hers may become insipid! The love of every precocious boy of fifteen is a woman of thirty! ”

“ BOX (without) . Pooh—pooh! Why don’t you keep your own side of the staircase, sir? (Enters at back, dressed as a printer. Puts his head out at door again, shouting.) It was as much your fault as mine, sir! I say, sir—it was as much your fault as mine, sir!
MRS. B. (emerging from behind the curtains of bed) . Lor, Mr. Box! what is the matter?
BOX. Mind your own business, Bouncer!
MRS. B. Dear, dear, Mr. Box! what a temper you are in, to be sure! I declare you’re quite pale in the face!
BOX. What color would you have a man be who has been setting up long leaders for a daily paper all night? ”

“ BART. The truth, madam! (To JULIA.) May I hope, or must I endure a second refusal!
JULIA (tenderly) . I suffered too much from the first, Harry (giving her hand to BARTON) .
ROYS. (aside) . That’s one couple; but there’s room for another. (To MRS. TEMPLETON.) Madam, I have the honor to solicit the hand of your younger niece, Miss Josephine!
MRS. T. With all my heart, Mr. Royston; that is, unless Josephine objects.
JOSEPHINE (quickly) . But she doesn’t! (giving her hand to ROYSTON) .
BART. You see, Jonathan will be satisfied, after all. ”

“ On Monday, December 7, 1885, was produced at Toole’s Theatre a three-act farce called “Going It,” that kept the house in a continual roar of laughter. It is in the old vein, bright, witty, and bristling with verbal quip. When the farce was over the call for “author” was raised, but no one imagined that it would be responded to. To the surprise of all, Mr. Toole led on an elderly gentleman of the old school, prim, neat, well set up, and rosy-cheeked as a winter apple. This was Maddison Morton. At last the young play-goer had seen the author of “Box and Cox.” ”

“ How we’re grown! I declare we’re quite a young woman!
FANNY. Yes, doctor.
DOCTOR. And a very pretty one, too!
FANNY. Yes, doctor.
DOCTOR (looking intently at FANNY) . She’s the very image of her mother as she was thirty years ago; the same soft blue eyes, before she took to spectacles, the same fairy form, before it filled out, the same alabaster brow, before the wrinkles set in!
FANNY (aside) . How earnestly he looks at me! I hope I hain’t fascinated him as well as Sir Marmaduke! (Suddenly.) Goodness me! what if he should be the “youthful doctor” mamma was speaking about? ”

“ JOSEPHINE. Envious? I? Of what?
JULIA (sighing) . Of what, indeed! Ah, dear one, the privileges of an elder sister are not so enviable after all! What is often her lot?—to be constantly exposed to flattery—adulation from the lips of strangers—compelling her to assume an extreme reserve in order to modify the exaggerated and at times indelicate encomiums of relatives and friends. What is the necessary result? Doubt, distrust, suspicion—nay, even prejudice, oftentimes unjust, against those who profess a desire to please! ”

“ SKRUFF (aside) . That’s no go. (Aloud.) How silly of me, to be sure! Of course, when I said Miss Florence I meant Miss Hetty (about to advance) .
MALLING. (meeting him) . Pardon me, Mr. Skruff! I have a prior claim (holding out his hand to HETTY) . Dear Hetty!
HETTY (giving her hand to MALLINGFORD) . Dear Teddy!
SKRUFF (aside) . Another no go.
GRITTY. Why, Sammy, what a desperate fellow you are—have you been falling in love with both my girls?
TAUNT. With neither, Mr. Gritty—but desperately smitten with their ten thousand pounds!
GRITTY. Oh! oh! ”

“ LADY F. A woman of thirty—my age! Understand, sir, that no woman cares to be reminded of her age when she is turned [Pg 135] thirty, any more than that she wears false hair! Your remark, therefore, is scarcely polite; but with your wife it appears you consider no such politeness necessary!
SIR F. Politeness! My dear Grace, what is politeness, after all?—merely the gloss of society! I suppose you’ll admit that the shiny stuff they put on the top of the buns doesn’t make them taste any the sweeter?
LADY F. Spare me your absurd similes, and don’t mistake flippancy for wit! ”

“ SKRUFF (aside) . I must give old Gritty a lesson! (Aloud.) [Pg 167] Mr. Gritty, allow me to remark, with the greatest possible respect, that you’re an infant! a positive infant!
GRITTY (looking at him—aside) . Samuel’s been at the sherry!
SKRUFF. Yes, Gritty! there’s a simple confiding innocence about you that’s positively pitiable!
GRITTY (angrily) . Gently, Samuel, gently! What the deuce are you driving at?
SKRUFF. In one word—what do you know about this Captain Taunton and Teddy?
GRITTY. Teddy! who the deuce is Teddy?
SKRUFF. Mr. Edward Mallingford. ”

“ LADY. I’m afraid you’ve lost your ticket, sir.
GENTLEMAN. Oh no! I haven’t lost it—only I can’t find it!
LADY. You may have dropped it? (looking about on floor) .
GENTLEMAN. Pray don’t trouble yourself; I shall be sure to find it— (aside) as soon as I’ve paid for another! (Aloud.) I’ll just speak to the station-master. Excuse me a moment? (LADY bows, GENTLEMAN exit at C., and disappears towards L. H.)
LADY. Poor fellow! no wonder he dislikes railways if he’s in the habit of losing his ticket every time he travels!
GUARD appears at door C.
GUARD (to LADY) . Ticket, please, ma’am? ”

“ Samuel!
SKRUFF (aside) . Mr. Samuel! She’s coming round! By Jove! I’ll risk it—neck or nothing, here goes! (suddenly seizing HETTY’S hand.) If you had ten thousand pounds, Miss Hetty—do you think you could be happy with a gentleman like me? (very sentimentally) .
HETTY (aside) . A positive declaration! (hiding her face in her handkerchief to conceal her laughter—then trying to release her hand) . Release my hand!—I beg!—I implore! If Captain Taunton should see us—
SKRUFF (aside) . Captain Taunton!—the fellow that old Gritty was talking about!—after Hetty, is he? ”

“ Why, the fire is lighted! Where’s the gridiron? On the fire, I declare! And what’s that on it? Bacon? Bacon it is! Well, now, ’pon my life, there’s a quiet coolness about Mrs. Bouncer’s proceedings that’s almost amusing. She takes my last lucifer—my coals and my gridiron to cook her breakfast by! No, no—I can’t stand this! Come out of that! (Pokes fork into bacon, and puts it on a plate on the table; then places his chop on the gridiron, which he puts on the fire.) ”

“ GENTLEMAN (apologetically) . My cough is rather troublesome, ma’am.
LADY. I find it so—very!
GENTLEMAN (aside) . Well! that’s about the rudest thing I’ve heard for some time! (Aloud.) I was about to ask you whether you object to the smell of tobacco?
LADY. Oh, not at all, sir!
GENTLEMAN. Thank you! (proceeds to make his cigarette, and about to light it) .
[Pg 112]
LADY. I mean, not till it’s lighted!
GENTLEMAN. Oh, I see; and then you do?
LADY. Very much, indeed!
GENTLEMAN. Even when you are asleep? (in an insinuating tone) .
LADY (slowly and decisively) . Whether I am awake or asleep, sir! ”

“ Who ever heard of a cow in a passion? See the touching resignation with which she allows herself to be milked! I wish Arthur had more of that docile animal in his composition! he wouldn’t talk of doing something desperate! Now, then, for a delicious nap! (Ties his handkerchief over his head and lies down on couch, and no longer in sight of audience.)
SIR F. (peeping from behind curtain) . Thank you, colonel, for your flattering opinion of me; but I’ll be even with you! I wonder if he’s asleep? (advancing on tiptoe to couch) . Yes, sound as a top! Now, then, to call in Arthur! Stop a bit! ”