John Maddison Morton

“ I've no objection at all to dice. I lost one pound, seventeen and sixpence, at last Barnet Races, to a very gentlemanly looking man, who had a most peculiar knack of throwing sixes; I suspected they were loaded, so I gave him another half-crown, and he gave me the dice. [Takes dice out of his pocket—uses lucifer box as substitute for dice-box, which is on table. Box. Now then, sir! Cox. I'm ready, sir! [They seat themselves at opposite sides of the table.] Will you lead off, sir? Box. As you please, sir. The lowest throw, of course, wins Penelope Ann? Cox. Of course, sir. Box. Very well, sir! ”

“ Cox! Cox. It is not only the case with the coals, Mrs. Bouncer, but I've lately observed a gradual and steady increase of evaporation among my candles, wood, sugar, and lucifer matches. Mrs. B. Lor, Mr. Cox! you surely don't suspect me? Cox. I don't say I do, Mrs. B.; only I wish you distinctly to understand, that I don't believe it's the cat. Mrs. B. Is there anything else you've got to grumble about, sir? Cox. Grumble! Mrs. Bouncer, do you possess such a thing as a dictionary? Mrs. B. No, sir. Cox. ”

“ Box. Don't be absurd, sir! Cox. Then don't you be ridiculous, sir! Box. I won't have her! Cox. I won't have her! Box. I have it! Suppose we draw lots for the lady—eh, Mr. Cox? Cox. That's fair enough, Mr. Box. Box. Or, what say you to dice? Cox. With all my heart! Dice, by all means— [Eagerly.] Box. [Aside.] That's lucky! Mrs. Bouncer's nephew left a pair here yesterday. He sometimes persuades me to have a throw for a trifle, and as he always throws sixes, I suspect they are good ones. [Goes to the cupboard at r., and brings out the dice-box. Cox. [Aside.] ”

“ Now, then, for my breakfast things. [Taking key, hung up, l., opens door l. and goes out, slamming the door after him, with a loud noise. Box. [Suddenly showing his head, from behind the curtains.] Come in! if it's you, Mrs. Bouncer—you needn't be afraid. I wonder how long I've been asleep? [Suddenly recollecting.] Goodness gracious—my bacon! [Leaps off bed, and runs to the fireplace.] Holloa! what's this? A chop! Whose chop? Mrs. Bouncer's, I'll be bound.—She thought to cook her breakfast while I was asleep—with my coals, too—and my gridiron! Ha, ha! But where's my bacon? ”

“ Good morning!⁠ [Going. Cox. [Stopping him.] It's obviously for me to retire.—Not for worlds would I disturb the rapturous meeting between you and your intended. Good morning! Box. You'll excuse me, sir—but our last arrangement was, that she was your intended. Cox. No, yours! Box. Yours! Together. Yours!⁠ [Ten o'clock strikes—noise of an omnibus. Box. Ha! What's that? A cab's drawn up at the door! [Running to window.] No—it's a twopenny omnibus! Cox. [Leaning over Box's shoulder.] A lady's got out— Box. There's no mistaking that majestic person—it's Penelope Ann! Cox. ”

“ Far be it from me, Bouncer, to hurry your movements, but I think it right to acquaint you with my immediate intention of divesting myself of my garments, and going to bed. Mrs. B. Oh, Mr. Box!⁠ [Going. Box. Stop! Can you inform me who the individual is that I invariably encounter going down stairs when I'm coming up, and coming up stairs when I'm going down? Mrs. B. [Confused.] Oh—yes—the gentleman in the attic, sir. Box. Oh! There's nothing particularly remarkable about him, except his hats. ”

“ Box is hard at work at a newspaper office all night, and doesn't come home till the morning, and Mr. Cox is busy making hats all day long, and doesn't come home till night; so that I'm getting double rent for my room, and neither of my lodgers are any the wiser for it. It was a capital idea of mine—that it was! But I haven't an instant to lose. First of all, let me put Mr. Cox's things out of Mr. Box's way. [She takes the three hats, Cox's dressing gown and slippers, opens door at l. and puts them in, then shuts door and locks it.] Now, then, to put the key where Mr. Cox always finds it. ”

“ No! [Digs the fork into the chop, opens window, and throws chop out—shuts window again.] So much for Bouncer's breakfast, and now for my own! [With the fork he puts the bacon on the gridiron again.] I may as well lay my breakfast things.— [Goes to mantel-piece at r., takes key out of one of the ornaments, opens door at r. and exit, slamming door after him. Cox. [Putting his head in quickly at l.] Come in—come in! [Opens door l. c. Enters with a small tray, on which are tea things, &c., which he places on drawers, l. and suddenly recollects.] Oh, goodness! my chop! [Running to fireplace.] ”

“ Box, he begged me to request of you, as a particular favour, that you would not smoke quite so much. Box. Did he? Then you may tell the gentle hatter, with my compliments, that if he objects to the effluvia of tobacco, he had better domesticate himself in some adjoining parish. Mrs. B. Oh, Mr. Box! ”

“ Puts his head out at door again, shouting.] It was as much your fault as mine, sir! I say, sir—it was as much your fault as mine, sir! Mrs. B. [Emerging from behind the curtains of bed.] Lor, Mr. Box! what is the matter? Box. Mind your own business, Bouncer! Mrs. B. Dear, dear, Mr. Box! what a temper you are in, to be sure! I declare you're quite pale in the face! Box. What colour would you have a man be, who has been setting up long leaders for a daily paper all night? Mrs. B. But, then, you've all the day to yourself. Box. [Looking significantly at Mrs. Bouncer.] ”

“ The mantel piece! That strikes me as being a considerable stretch, either of your imagination, Mrs. B., or the gentleman's legs. I presume you mean the fender or the hob. Mrs. B. Sometimes one, sometimes t'other. Well, there he sits for hours, and puffs away into the fire-place. Cox. Ah, then you mean to say, that this gentleman's smoke, instead of emulating the example of all other sorts of smoke, and going up the chimney, thinks proper to affect a singularity by taking the contrary direction? ”