John Maddison Morton

“ And leave two such charming neighbors? oh dear, no! you don't know John Bagshaw!—the fact is, I have a favor to ask of you, which, from its trifling nature, I venture to consider as already granted. Fan. What is it, Sir? Bag. Simply that you will allow me to occupy your apartment till to-morrow morning, that's all! Fan. With us. Bag. Of course! Pray don't think of turning out on my account,—besides, I'm easily satisfied—I can sleep anywhere, and I never snore! Fan. ”

“ Just like me—in short, it's me all over! (putting on coat, then again, suddenly and violently, to Fanny) One moment—you'll pledge me your word of honor as a gentleman, that you are getting-up a revolution! Fan. Pshaw! (offering him his hat.) Grim. (taking it) I'm going! (stops) By the bye, you’ll particularly oblige me by not indulging either in pipes or cigars—ten-a-shilling, Cubas especially. (going—stops) Might I venture to suggest one fond embrace, before we part? (Fanny shakes her head) Then when I come back—let it be when I come back, or I won't go at all. ”

“ Don't go and throw away a lot of money, Towzer; do the thing well, but not extravagantly; and all I can say is, that if you'll send in the cold fowls and the lobsters, I'll stand the pickles—that's what I call doing the thing liberally—and (to audience) if you will only provide a liberal supply of approbation, there won't be a happier party sit down to supper in the Haymarket, than Grimshaw, Bagshaw, and Bradshaw! ”

“ Then, to use Grimshaw's own words, it "rains a shower of men and women," running the hay through closets, concealed panels and beds, causing ludicrous mistakes at every change of position, proving the author to be a thorough master of his art; in fact, no writer of the present day understands the stage effect of tableau, aided by dialogue, better than Morton; and the auditor who cannot laugh at Grimshaw, Bagshaw and Bradshaw, must indeed be a prey to spleen and unfit to associate with any true son of Momus. ”

“ Grim. (shouting) Grimshaw! (aside) My mind misgives me! Fanny—I mean Emily—no—yes—I don't know what I mean—however, her anxiety to get me out of the house—her emotion when I read Soosan's letter—Bradshaw's hat—the thing's clear!—I've been imposed upon! (seizing Towzer by the arm) Towzer, you came here for Grimshaw—I mean Bradshaw!—you shall have your Bradshaw, I mean Grimshaw—no, your Bradshaw. Just keep your eye on me (runs to closet, l. c., and throws door open) Bradshaw, you're wanted! I'm sorry for you, Bradshaw, but— (looking in) Holloa! he's gone. Tow. (laughing satirically) Is he? ”

“ If the shutters are not down and shop swept by seven o'clock, he turns all sorts of colors like the bottles in his window, and addresses me in such dreadful bad language, that I really feel sometimes inclined to knock him down with one of his own pestles, preparatory to pounding him in one of his own mortars. ”

“ I repeat, Towzer, you shall have your Emily, (about to go towards door of closet, r. c., meets Fanny face to face) Here's another—ha, ha, ha! Fan. (taking his arm) Here I am, dear! Grim. (aside) She calls me dear! Fan. (to Towzer, with pretended surprise) A stranger! I beg your pardon, Sir; I thought my husband was alone. Grim. Husband? pooh, pooh! Fan. (aside and pinching him) Hush! back me in all I say. (aloud and taking Grimshaw's arm) I'm rather late, dear; but you won't be angry with your poor little Amelia? Grim. Amelia! (Fan. pinches him) Affairs are getting more complicated than ever ”

“ Just the time when the majority of young men of my age begin the day. But people's tastes differ; besides, after being actively engaged in a perpendicular position all day long, I am only too glad to indulge in a horizontal position at night—especially as I have to be perpendicular again at half-past six in the morning—this is to be a chemist and druggist—I mean, a shopman to a chemist and druggist—and such a chemist and druggist! ”

“ Emily, Fanny, and Bagshaw go out at door l. h.
Enter Grimshaw at door r. h.
Grim. Towzer sticks to it—he called me Bradshaw no less than seventeen times before he got to the street door; and he's in earnest too about his son John, for I looked through the keyhole, and saw him—six feet four in his stockings? he's ten feet if he's an inch! The five minutes are nearly gone, so I think the best thing I can do is to go before they're quite gone. I will— (taking Bagshaw's hat off table and putting it on) Oh! this is too bad! somebody has taken my new hat, and left this mutilated tile. ”

“ A bachelor's life has its advantages, no doubt; but if I was married, I should insist on Mrs. Grimshaw finding that boot-jack—in short, I should tell her, that if she didn't, I should go to bed in my boots! Ah! (sighs) what right 'has a chemist and druggist's shopman to think of matrimony?—and yet I do think of it, especially when I'm making up pills and penn'orths of salts for the poor people ”

“ I can't help it—my mind is always carrying me back to last Friday three weeks, when I was induced to go to Cremorne to see a man go up in a balloon on a donkey. I did go,—there was the balloon—there was the man—there was the donkey,—some people said there were two donkeys, but I only saw one;—away they went; and as I stood watching the intrepid aeronauts for a considerable period after they were out of sight, it suddenly came on to rain in torrents, and I heard a female voice at my elbow exclaim in the most touching accents—"What a fool I was to put on my new bonnet!" ”

“ Re-enter Bagshaw, hastily at door, l. h.
Bag. (out of breath) Wheugh! here I am again! it's all right! I've delivered the letter, and here's Bradshaw's answer, which he begged me to deliver immediately—perhaps you'll do that for me, for I can't, it's addressed to Towzer. Tow. (overhearing) A letter for me? (letting Grimshaw drop, and comes down.) Bag. Towzer? the devil! (runs up, jumps, on to bed, drawing the curtains) Tow. (takes letter from Fanny, and reads) "Sir—let me call Emily mine, and her three hundred pounds are yours." (rushes up to Grimshaw, and drags him down) Noble, liberal man! ”

“ Fan. A letter for you? Grim. There's no address; but the landlady said it was to be delivered immediately to the gentleman on the second floor; and as I have every reason to believe that I am the only gentleman on the second floor—— Fan. Exactly. Then why don't you read it? (Grimshaw opens letter) What's the signature? Grim. (reading) "Soosan Towzer." Fan. (aside) Emily's aunt!—the letter was intended for Mr. Bradshaw, and she did'nt know that he had left the house. (aloud) Well, go on. Grim. Why should I? I know nothing about Soosan Towzer—I never even heard of Soosan Towzer! Fan. ”

“ What's this?—Bradshaw!—not Bob Bradshaw? Emily. Yes. Bag. Commercial traveler? Emily. Yes. Bag. In the fancy chip and bonnet line? Emily. Yes—do you know him? Bag. Know him? we're inseparable! I borrowed thirteen and sixpence of him, five years ago, and I have never seen him since. I'll go to him this moment. (going) By the bye, the twelve pounds ten I spoke of just now—here they are. (pulling out purse) Now if I should run against Towzer, I may be obliged to pay him; Amelia Jones will then be done out of her watch and chain, so I'll leave 'em behind me. Fan. Very well ”

“ Enter Emily through open panel—comes on stage through door of closet, and shuts it after her.
Emily. (looking about her) Is he gone? Fan. Yes; but first let me replace these things, to prevent the discovery of this secret communication between the two rooms. (Fanny and Emily together hang the great-coat, &c. up again—they then come forward without closing the door after them) So far so well—and now, my dear Emily, thanks to my impudence and Mr. Grimshaw's good nature, you are safe from pursuit for some hours at least ”

“ You needn't go, Peter! (coaxingly) You wouldn't leave your Fanny? Grim. (aside) Holloa! This sudden change means something.—as Soosan would say, I must mind my "peas and kews." (aloud) Of course, where Fanny is there would Peter be likewise. Fan. (aside) Emily must be made acquainted with her aunt's message—but how? I have it! I can reach that room by means of the corridor, (going towards door r. h.) Grim. Holloa, holloa! it's you that are leaving your Peter! Fan. Only for a minute. (hastens out at door, r. h., shutting it after her) Grim. She says, only for a minute ”

“ But, Towzer, Towzer! no damned nonsense Towzer!
(Towzer hurries out at door r. h., Grimshaw following him, and trying to stop him.)
Door l. h. opens and Fanny appears, followed by Emily—they enter cautiously.
Fan. (as she enters) They're gone! Emily. If I could only let Bradshaw know what has happened!—here's my letter; but who's to take it? Fan. I will. Emily. No, no; I wouldn't be left for the world. Fan. Then here's the man to do it. (seeing Bagshaw, who puts his head in at door l. c.) Bag. The coast seems clear. Fan. Mr. Bagshaw! (Bagshaw pops his head back again) Mr. ”