A. A. Milne

“ Delia (smiling, on Belinda's L.) . I'll be your mother if you like.
Belinda. Oh no, that wouldn't do, because then Mr. Baxter would feel that he ought to ask your permission before paying his attentions to me. He's just that sort of man. A niece is so safe–however good you are at statistics, you can't really prove anything.
Delia. All right, mummy.
Belinda (enjoying herself) . You'd like to be called by a different name, wouldn't you? There's something so thrilling about taking a false name. Such a lot of adventures begin like that. How would you like to be Miss Robinson, darling? ”

“ Devenish. You are as old as the stars and as young as the dawn.
Baxter. You are ten years younger than I am.
Belinda. What sweet things to say! I don't know which I like best. Devenish. Where will my lady sit!
Belinda (with an exaggerated curtsy) . I will recline in the hammock, an it please thee, my lord—
(Baxter goes to the right of the hammock, saying "Allow me." Devenish moves to the left of the hammock and holds it, takes up a cushion which Baxter snatches from him and places in hammock again.) ”

“ She lies back in the hammock lazily and the book of poems falls from her to the ground. Delia comes into the garden, from Paris. She is decidedly a modern girl, pretty and self-possessed. Her hair is half-way up; waiting for her birthday, perhaps. She sees her mother suddenly, stops, and then goes on tiptoe to the head of the hammock. She smiles and kisses her mother on the forehead. Belinda, looking supremely unconscious, goes on sleeping. Delia kisses her lightly again. Belinda wakes up with an extraordinarily natural start, and is just about to say, "Oh, Mr. Devenish–you mustn't!" ”

“ Belinda (looking anxiously from the door to him) . Mr. Baxter, I'm going to throw myself on your mercy.
Baxter. My dear Mrs. Tremayne—
Belinda (looking at her watch again, rising and moving up L.C., looking at door) . A strange man will be here directly. He must not find you with me.
Baxter (rising, jealously) . A man?
Belinda (excitedly) . Yes, yes, a man! He is pursuing me with his attentions. If he found you here, there would be a terrible scene.
Baxter. I will defend you from him.
Belinda (crossing down to R. of Chesterfield) . No, no. He is a big man. He will–he will overpower you. ”

“ One always takes one's father's name. Unless, of course, you were Lord Robinson.
Tremayne. But you said her name was Robinson before you—
(She makes a playful move.)
–Oh, never mind about that. A daughter? Belinda, how could you let me go and not tell me?
Belinda. You forget how you'd slammed the door. It isn't the sort of thing you shout through the window to a man on his way to America.
Tremayne (taking her in his arms) . Oh, Belinda, don't let me ever go away again.
(Devenish and Delia enter from up L. and pass the windows on the way to the swing doors.) ”

“ I don't think he'll ever be any good till he really gets work. Did you notice his hair this evening?
Belinda (dreamily) . Whose, dear?
Delia (going to the back of the Chesterfield and to the L. of Belinda) . Mummy, look me in the eye and tell me you are not being bad.
Belinda (having playfully turned her head away and hidden her face with her handkerchief, says innocently) . Bad, darling?
Delia (moving down to the front of the fireplace) . You've made Mr. Robinson fall in love with you.
Belinda (happily) . Have I?
Delia. Yes; it's serious this time. He's not like the other two. ”

“ Devenish too.
Baxter (moving to Belinda) . Er—
Devenish. Er—
(They stand before her guiltily and have nothing to say.)
Belinda (with a shrug) . Well, I shall have to marry somebody else, that's all.
Baxter (moving to below table) . Who? Who?
Belinda. I suppose Mr. Robinson. After all, if I am Delia's mother, and Mr. Baxter says that Mr. Robinson's her father, it's about time we were married.
Devenish (eagerly) . Mrs. Tremayne, what fools we are! He is your husband all the time!
Belinda. Yes.
Baxter (moving up to the R. of Belinda) . You've had a husband all the time? ”

“ Let the beard of the Lord Mayor of Newcastle be the talisman that my lady demands; I am satisfied.
Baxter. This sort of thing is entirely contrary to my usual mode of life, but I will not be outfaced by a mere boy. (Rising.) I am prepared. (Going to her.)
Devenish. Speak, lady.
Belinda (speaking in a deep, mysterious voice) . Gentlemen, ye put wild thoughts into my head. In sooth, I am minded to send ye forth upon a quest that is passing strange. Know ye that there is a maid journeyed hither, hight Robinson–whose– (in her natural voice) what's the old for aunt?
Baxter (hopefully) . ”

“ Belinda, seeing Betty entering from house, hurries Delia up R., and they bob down behind the yew hedge R. Betty comes from the house into the garden, crossing to centre and up stage looking for Belinda, followed by Mr. Baxter and Mr. Devenish. Baxter gives an angry look round at Devenish as he enters. Mr. Baxter is forty-five, prim and erect, with close-trimmed moustache and side-whiskers. His clothes are dark and he wears a bowler-hat. Mr. Devenish is a long-haired, good-looking boy in a négligé costume; perhaps twenty-two years old, and very scornful of the world. ”

“ For you I could remove anything –yes, even Baxter. (He looks at Baxter, who is sitting more solidly than ever in his chair.)
Belinda. And anyhow I should have to choose between you.
Devenish (in a whisper) , choose me.
Baxter (stiffly) . Mrs. Tremayne does not require any prompting. A fair field and let the best man win.
Devenish (going across to and slapping the astonished Baxter on the back) . Aye, let the best man win! Well spoken, Baxter. (Baxter is very annoyed. To Belinda and going back to her L.) Send us out into the world upon some knightly quest, lady, and let the victor be rewarded. ”

“ Oh! (She moves to the fireplace and warms her hands.)
Belinda. Just at present I've rather got Mr. Baxter on my mind. I suppose, darling, you wouldn't like him as well as Mr. Devenish! (Pathetically.) You see, they're so used to going about together.
Delia. Claude is quite enough.
Belinda. I think I must see Mr. Baxter and get it over. Do you mind if I have Mr. Devenish too? I feel more at home with both of them. I'll give you him back. Oh dear, I feel so happy to-night! (She jumps up and goes to Delia.) And is my little girl going to be happy too? That's what mothers always say on the stage. ”

“ All that I have, whether of material or mental endowment, I lay at your feet, together with an admiration which I cannot readily put into words. As my wife I think you would be happy, and I feel that with you by my side I could achieve even greater things. ”

“ Devenish, young fellow, when you matched yourself against a man of my repute, when you matched yourself against a man–matched yourself against a man of my repute (crossing towards fireplace)
(Belinda rises stealthily, takes up her hat and exits through the swing doors and through the garden up R.)
when you matched yourself against a man who has read papers (moving towards centre table) at Soirees of the Royal Statistical Society–" (Looking round the room, he discovers that he is alone. He picks up his hat from the table and jams it down on his head.) ”

“ Tremayne. What do I know about Mrs. Tremayne but that she has a relation called Robinson?
Belinda. And two dear friends called Devenish and Baxter.
Tremayne (rising–annoyed) . I was forgetting them. (Crosses to below L. end of C. table.)
Belinda (to herself, with a sly look round at the cupboard) , I mustn't forget Mr. Baxter.
Tremayne. But what does it matter? What would it matter if I knew nothing about you? (Moving up to R. end of Chesterfield and leaning over it.) I know everything about you–everything that matters. ”

“ Devenish. "Belinda." It is far too beautiful to rhyme with anything but itself.
Belinda. Fancy! But what about Tremayne? (Singing.) Oh, I am Mrs. Tremayne, and I don't want to marry again.
Devenish (protesting) . My lady!
Baxter (protesting) . Belinda!
Belinda (pointing excitedly to Baxter) . There, that's the first time he's called me Belinda! This naughty boy– (indicating Devenish) –is always doing it–by accident.
Devenish. Are you serious?
Belinda. Not as a rule.
Devenish. You're not going to marry again?
Belinda. Well, who could I marry?
Devenish and Baxter (together) . Me! ”

“ He has been knocking about the world for eighteen years, and is very much a man, though he has kept his manners. His hair is greying a little at the sides, and he looks the forty-odd that he is. Without his moustache and beard he is very different from the boy Belinda married.)
Tremayne ( with his hat in his hand ) . I'm afraid I'm trespassing.
Belinda (winningly, moving down R. a little ) . But it's such a pretty garden (turns away, dosing her parasol) , isn't it?
(Tremayne, half recognizing her, moves to back of hammock and leans across to obtain a better view of her.) ”

“ Devenish. A fanciful way of putting it, perhaps. They are none the less for you.
Delia. Well, it's awfully kind of you. (Puts flowers down. Then she moves up to the cupboard. He follows on her L. and opens the door.) I'm afraid I'm not a very romantic person. (Turning to him in cupboard doorway.) Aunt Belinda does all the romancing in our family.
Devenish. Your aunt is a very remarkable woman.
Delia. She is. Don't you dare to say a word against her. (Takes up a vase from a chair in cupboard and shakes it as if draining it.) ”

“ It's perfectly respectable; it's where we keep the umbrellas. (She takes him by the hand.)
Baxter (resisting and looking nervously into the cupboard) . I'm not at all sure that I—
Belinda (earnestly) . Oh, but don't you see what trust I'm putting in you? (To herself.) Some people are so nervous about their umbrellas.
Baxter. Well, of course, if you–but I don't see why I shouldn't just slip out of the door before he comes.
Belinda (reproachfully) . Of course, if you grudge me every little pleasure– (Crossing in front of Baxter towards swing doors and seeing Tremayne coming.) Quick! Here he is. ”

“ Belinda. All right, Betty. Give me two minutes and then show them out here.
Betty. Yes, ma'am.
(Betty crosses below Belinda and Delia and exits into the house.)
Belinda (taking Delia down R. a step) . They can't do much harm to each other in two minutes.
Delia (taking her hat from table) . Well, I'll go and unpack. (She goes back to Belinda.) You really won't mind my coming down afterwards?
Belinda. Of course not. (A little awkwardly, taking Delia's arm and moving down R.) Darling one, I wonder if you'd mind–just at first–being introduced as my niece. (By now at foot of deck-chair.) ”

“ Tremayne. We seem to be rather a family party.
Belinda (suddenly) . There! (Moving to the door L.) We've forgotten Mr. Baxter again.
Baxter (who has come in quietly with a book in his hand) . Oh, don't mind about me, Mrs. Tremayne. I've enjoyed myself immensely. (He crosses to the arm-chair below the fireplace and places it in front of the fire.)
(Belinda and Tremayne move up into the inner room by the refectory table and embrace, their backs to Baxter. Delia and Devenish are by the swing doors. They also embrace, their backs to Baxter.) ”

“ Tremayne.
Belinda (penitently) . I won't!
Baxter (going slowly to fireplace and placing his hat down on armchair below fireplace) . To resume, then, my narrative. This morning I have heard of a third Mr. Robinson. Whether there is actually any particular fortune attached to the number three I cannot say for certain. It is doubtful whether statistics would be found to support the popular belief. But one likes to flatter oneself that in one's own case it may be true; and so—
Belinda. And so the third Mr. Robinson–?
Baxter. Something for which I cannot altogether account inspires me with hope. ”

“ Mr. Devenish. (She rises and stands by the fireplace with her cup in her hand.) Of course, he's very young.
Belinda. So was Keats, darling.
Delia. I don't think Claude has had Keats' advantages. Keats started life as an apothecary.
Belinda. So much nicer than a chemist.
Delia. Now, Claude started with nothing to do.
Belinda (mildly) . Do you always call him Claude, darling? I hope you aren't going to grow into a flirt like that horrid Mrs. Tremayne.
Delia. Silly mother! (She moves to Belinda, takes her cup, then crosses to the table and places both the cups on the table–seriously.) ”

“ Baxter. If one began to ask oneself what the birds thought of things– (He pauses.)
Devenish. Well, and why shouldn't one ask oneself? It is better than asking oneself what the Stock Exchange thinks of things.
Baxter. Well (looking up at Devenish's extravagant hair) , it's the nesting season. Your hair! (Suddenly.) Ha! ha! ha! ha! ha! ha!
Devenish (hastily smoothing it down) . Really, Baxter, you're vulgar. (He turns away and resumes his promenading, going down R. and then round deck-chair to front of hammock. Suddenly he sees his book on the grass beneath the hammock and makes a dash for it.) ”

“ Of course, he doesn't know he is a father yet. Darling, I think you might take him into the garden; only don't let him know who he is. You see, he ought to propose to me first, oughtn't he?
(The men come in from R. Tremayne goes to the foot of the settee R., Devenish to the back of the table up R., while Baxter stands at the back of the settee. Belinda moves to the front of the settee and Delia sits on the table.)
Here you all are! I do hope you haven't been throwing away your cigars, because smoking is allowed all over the house. ”