Noel Coward

“ Sylvia. They're not really disappointed so much as outraged. They feel you've been laughing up your sleeve at them, as of course you have.
Daniel. No, I haven't—you're wrong there—I haven't. I couldn't help you financially. I'd borrowed the money to come over and the cheque I'd sent before. I'd just won, so I thought that the only way to assist at all was to use mental persuasion on all of you. There's always something fascinating in the idea of having money left one. It seems such an easy way of getting it. Of course it answered better than I could have imagined in my wildest dreams.
Sylvia. ”

“ Eighteen months ago it seemed providential that Uncle should only have such a short time to live, now I rather hate it, in spite of the money. He's a dear, though of course we didn't see much of him. He went back to South America soon after he'd seen us, but still he left an impression. Here we are, all working like slaves, and helping mother to keep on the house. It would have broken her heart to have given it up. There are my prospects—a huge fortune, quite soon.
Faith. Yes, but, Bobbie, one of the others might get it. ”

“ Sylvia. It must be so glorious out there—mining and prospecting and—by the way how does one prospect?
Daniel. How does one prospect? When one prospects one scoops up water from rivers and finds nuggets in one's hands—if one's lucky, of course.
Sylvia. You don't seem to know very much about it, uncle. ”

“ Joyce. Now you've just got to tell the others that.
Faith (flustered) . But I promised Bobbie I wouldn't say a word....
Joyce. Well, you've broken your word once, so you can do it again. Vangy! Vangy! (She goes to window, still dragging Faith.) Sylvia! Oliver! Bobbie!
Evangeline. What on earth is the matter?
Joyce. Faith will tell you when the others come. (Dragging Faith back to C.)
Faith. Look here, this isn't a bit fair of you. Bobbie will never forgive me....
Joyce. I can't help Bobbie's troubles—you should have thought of that before.
(Enter Sylvia and Oliver from garden.) ”

“ Sylvia. Shut up, Bobbie, I'm spokesman.
Daniel (weakly) . Couldn't it be some one else? Sylvia's so firm with me.
Sylvia. I think, uncle, that you occasionally need firmness. (Coming down R. by Chesterfield.)
Daniel. We all do, it's a weakness of the human race—lack of stamina—I have it at the moment. Please may I sit down?
Oliver. Yes.
Daniel (sinking into arm-chair) . Thank you so much. (Weakly.) I begin to feel sleepy. May I have perhaps—a small glass of water?
Bobbie. All right—I'll get it. (He goes to sideboard.)
Daniel. With perhaps the teeniest, weeniest little drop of whisky? ”

“ Mrs. Dermott. Thank you so much, darling. Do you know, Mrs. Crombie, I started this at the beginning of the War and I haven't finished it yet? I do hope you are not being terribly dull here, Mrs. Crombie. (Drops ball of wool.) I'm afraid we're awfully bad at entertaining.
Mrs. Crombie. Not at all. You are one of those excellent hostesses who allow their guests to do as they like, it's so much more comfortable.
Faith (rising) . I think I'll go and talk to Bobbie in the garden.
(Goes between Chesterfield and armchair.)
Mrs. Dermott. Do dear, I'm sure he'd love it. (Kisses her. Faith giggles.) ”

“ Evangeline. I know we didn't, but we're all sorry—frightfully sorry—we've talked it all over. Sylvia said we were beasts and ghouls and we wouldn't admit it then, but we do now. We are terribly ashamed of the way we've behaved. Please, please say you forgive us. (Kneels to him.)
Bobbie (placing chair behind Chesterfield) . And it doesn't matter about Faith, uncle, I'm glad you were the means of showing her up. I don't love her a bit now. I hate her, and we all want you to understand that we'd rather have you alive and with us than all the beastly money in the world. ”

“ Daniel. Out there Death waits round every corner——
Bobbie. I didn't know there were any corners on the limitless prairie.
Daniel (testily) . I was millions of miles away from any prairie—and, anyhow, I was only speaking metaphorically.
Sylvia. You are irritating, Bobbie, why can't you keep quiet.
Mrs. Crombie. There seems to be some doubt, Mr. Davis, as to what part of America you were in.
Daniel. South America—firmly South America—in the little tiny wee, bijou village of Santa Lyta—far away from the beaten track, this lonely place lies basking in the sun. ”

“ Waiting for a man to die, and then getting disagreeable because he says he doesn't want to. Do you think any one of you would stop work now for anything? Of course you wouldn't. I know that. Don't you see that Uncle Dan chose the one and only way of really helping us? He's worked wonders and we ought to be thankful to him until our dying day....
Bobbie (marmalade on toast in hand) . It's all very fine for you—he hasn't come between you and the only person you've ever loved....
Sylvia. And that's one of the best things of all—he's been the means of showing Faith up in her true colours. ”

“ There is not one of them who hasn't achieved something—even Joyce, the flapper, has set to and made good at school. I tell you I'm proud of them, so proud that I could shout it from the house tops, and may I say this, Mrs. Crombie, that if your daughter has succeeded in making Bobbie fall in love with her, she is a very fortunate young woman. ”

“ But, Anne, I swear.—
Mrs. Dermott. There, there, we'll say no more about it. It only upsets me and here's your tea.
(She takes tea from Griggs, who has entered with tea and toast. He
goes off again.)
Have you seen your doctor lately?
Daniel (resignedly) . Yes, I saw him the other day.
Mrs. Dermott (pouring out tea) . And what did he say?
Daniel (confused) . Well—er—I don't know—he sounded me.
Mrs. Dermott. Yes, they always do that. I wonder why. Your illness has nothing to do with your heart has it?
Daniel (firmly) . My dear Anne, I haven't got an illness.
Mrs. Dermott. ”

“ Evangeline. Well, I know I should make money in time. There's a great demand for really good stuff now.
Sylvia. Do you think yours is really good?
Evangeline. I'm sure it is.
(Mrs. Dermott reads a magazine.)
Bobbie. Well, God help the bad.
Evangeline (rising) . Look here, Bobbie, I'm tired of your silly jeering at me. Just stop trying to be funny. (Moves to L.C.)
Bobbie (hotly) . I realize the futility of endeavour when I see how funny others can be without trying (following her.)
Evangeline. Ill-bred little pip squeak!
Joyce (jumping up; firing) . He's not a pip squeak. ”

“ Crombie. Experience has taught me one thing, and that is that in this world people never die when they're expected to. (Sits on Chesterfield.) The old man will probably live to a ripe old age, then where would you be?
Faith. Well, anyhow Bobbie makes quite a lot out of his songs. (Sits in armchair.)
Mrs. Crombie. Don't be childish, Faith. You know perfectly well I should never allow you to marry a man without a settled income—prospects never kept anyone. Besides, if any of them get the uncle's money it will be Oliver—he's the eldest. ”

“ Bobbie (C.) . We've all got to wash and make ourselves look clean and sweet for Uncle Daniel. Your collar's filthy; you'd better go and change it quickly. He may be here at any minute.
Sylvia. Turn on the lights, Bobbie—and do let's hurry.
(Bobbie turns up the lights and goes upstairs followed by Oliver.
Evangeline goes up slowly after them.)
Oliver. What a muddle! What a muddle! (As he crosses to stairs.)
Evangeline (following him) . What a muddle! What a muddle! (Turns on stairs.) Shall I put on my emerald green tea gown? (To Sylvia.)
Sylvia. No, dear; it's ever so much too old for you. ”

“ Mrs. Dermott. Oh, it wasn't a real Rajah of course—but he was supposed to be in the clutch of Bolshevists—or was that another film, Sylvia?—I get so muddled——
Sylvia. It was another film, mother, but it doesn't matter. How's your illness, Uncle Dan? You look pretty bright.
Daniel. Oh, I expect to be quite cheery right up to the last.
Mrs. Dermott. Oh, Danny dear, don't talk about it. ”

“ I always think we attach too much importance to life and death.
Mrs. Crombie (acidly) . It depends on circumstances, of course.
Daniel (dramatically) . Out there where I come from——
Joyce. Go on, uncle, do tell us.
Daniel. I was just going to, only you interrupted me—out there on the limitless prairie, a man's life is not considered worth that much. (He tries to snap his fingers without any success.) There now, I can never do that properly—that much. (He tries again.) Damn!
Bobbie. I can do it, uncle. (He does it.)
Joyce. So can I. (She tries.) Oh, no I can't—Sylvia, you can. ”

“ Mrs. Dermott. Speaking of roses, let's go out into the garden and talk—it's so stuffy in here—you can tell me some more of your adventures, Danny.
Sylvia (looking at him) . I'm sure he'd love to.
(Every one gets up and drifts out on to the lawn talking. Bobbie hangs behind for a moment with Faith.)
Bobbie (anxiously) . What did she say? (Catching her hand as she is going out.)
Faith. She said she'll see—wait until to-night....
Bobbie. Oh, Faith darling....
Faith. Come out now, quick, or they'll miss us.
Bobbie (grumbling) . It doesn't matter if they do. ”

“ Bobbie. Sorry.
(They are all self-conscious as he addresses them.)
Daniel. What is the use of idling through life, frittering away your youth, I repeat, frittering away your youth, when you might be working to achieve some great and noble end? (Oliver embarrassed) You, Oliver, you might in time be a great inventor, and know all about the insides of the most complicated machines. You, Evangeline (Evangeline rises, poses by fireplace, one hand on mantel. Joyce laughs—she pulls her hair) , might develop into a great poetess ”

“ Of course that bucked us up no end, and look at us now—Vangy's raking in the dibs with her novel, Sylvia's on a fair way to be a big film star, Oliver has just been made assistant manager at the motor works, which is a good leg-up considering that he started as an ordinary mechanic. I'm doing jolly well out of my songs—specially "The Rose of Passion Sweet." Why they buy the beastly thing I don't know. It's the worst of the lot.
Faith. Oh! Bobbie!
Bobbie. Even Joyce has walked off with all the prizes at school and intends to be a great artist. You see we've all risen to the bait. ”

“ I wonder how Uncle Daniel is.
Mrs. Crombie (rising) . You must all be wondering that. (Goes to table powdering.) Faith, I shall go soon. I'm sure this man is going to be simply odious.
(All except Mrs. Crombie and Faith go out to meet Daniel. All enter together talking about their various professions. Bobbie to fireplace; Oliver behind table; Sylvia up stage; Joyce to form; Evangeline above fireplace; Mrs. Crombie below table; Mrs. Dermott C.; Daniel L.C.; Faith R. of table.)
Mrs. Dermott. Oh, Danny, darling—let me introduce you to Mrs. Crombie—my brother. And this is Faith—such a dear girl. ”

“ Just because Uncle Daniel chose to have a little fun with you, you all behave like bears with sore heads.
(Bobbie and Oliver re-sit and continue eating.)
Evangeline. Uncle Daniel meant every word he said, mother. He hasn't got a penny in the world.
Mrs. Dermott. Nonsense, Evangeline. How do you suppose he could get backwards and forwards to America and send me large cheques and things?
Joyce. He wins a little from time to time by horse-racing.
Mrs. Dermott. Rubbish. No one can ever win at horse-racing. I never did. The bookies and jockeys and people don't let you. ”

“ You too must rise and go forth—the world is calling to you. Do what you will. I can't think of a career for you at the moment, but no matter. I only want to impress upon you all the necessity of making good at something—make good, make good, make good! And the one I consider has done best for himself and the family name, to him—or her—I will bequeath every penny I possess. (Goes up four stairs.)
(All looking towards Daniel, the positions are now as follows:—Daniel, up four stairs. Mrs. Dermott extreme R. Sylvia up R.C. Oliver down R.C. Evangeline down C. Joyce up L.C.. Bobbie down L.) ”

“ Mrs. Crombie (with slight sarcasm) . It was sweet of you, dear. I really can't work myself up to a high pitch of enthusiasm over an uncle who though apparently in the last throes of a virulent disease is well able to gallop backwards and forwards across the Atlantic gaily arranging to leave an extremely problematic fortune to an extremely scatter-brained young man.
Faith. Bobbie isn't scatter-brained.
Mrs. Crombie. The whole family is scatter-brained, and I expect the uncle's the worst of the lot—he wouldn't have been sent to South America otherwise. ”