Lawrence J. Burpee

“ He was the most unaggressive reporter I have ever seen. His boots and his hat were the only things about him that I could connect with journalism, as I had previously been acquainted with it.
"How do you do?" I said, seeing that the silence must be broken and the preliminaries gone through with by somebody.
"Yes!" he responded, with an amiability that induced Orthodocia to get up hurriedly and look out of the window. "Did the radies arrive to the Duke of Westminster?" looking from one to the other of us. ”

“ Some day an enterprising editor may find time to glean from the whole field of Canadian literature a representative collection of wit and humour. It would include the productions of such acknowledged humorists as Thomas Chandler Haliburton and George Thomas Lanigan, as well as specimens of characteristic humour from writers who are better remembered by their more serious work. It would also include a great deal of genuine wit and humour, largely anonymous, in such Canadian periodicals as Grip, Punch in Canada, the Grumbler, the Free Lance, and Diogenes ”

“ Here Orthodocia dwelt upon the remarkable snow-sheds for protection against avalanches. She went on with vague confidence to speak of the opening up of trade between Canada and Japan by the new railway and steamship line, and I added a few remarks about the interest in Japanese art that existed in Montreal, and the advisability of the Japanese establishing firms of their own there; while the reporter flattered our eloquence by taking down notes enough to fill a quarto volume. ”

“ Ladies has the liability of many news."
"That last item," said Orthodocia, who had come in with the excuse of some tea, "is frightfully correct."
Having despatched the business of the hour and a half, the reporter began to enjoy himself, while Orthodocia and I tried to seat ourselves where we couldn't see each other's faces in the mirror over the mantelpiece. He drank his tea with his head on a level with the table, and if suction can express approval it was expressed. He said that there were fourteen editorial writers on his shimbun, and that its circulation was one million. ”

“ Then he sat down and we sat down, and Orthodocia prepared to transcribe the interview which had introduced us to the Japanese nation from his lips. It was a proud, happy moment.
The reporter took the journal with which he was connected out of one of the long, graceful, flowing sleeves which make life worth living for masculine Japan. He told us that it was the Hochi-Hochi-Shimbun, and he carefully pointed out the title, date beginning and end of the article, which we marked, intending to buy several copies of the paper and send them home. ”

“ The Japanese are such a leisurely people. He took more tea, by this time stone cold. He said he would bring a Japanese "gentleman and rady" to see us, and in response to our inquiry as to whether the lady was the wife or the sister of the gentleman, he said, with gravity, "I do not know the rady's wife." He asked us for our photographs, and when Orthodocia retired at this for the fifth time he thought she had gone to get them, and stayed until I was compelled to go and pray her to return. ”

“ I said distinctly—Orthodocia bears testimony to the fact that I said it distinctly—"to see Japan as far as Japan will permit. Her politics, system of education, customs, and arts will be of—ahem!—interest to us. We cannot truthfully say that we expect to penetrate more deeply into the national life than other travellers have done. In repressing this expectation we claim to be original. We confess that our impressions will naturally be superficial, but we hope to represent the crust so charmingly that nobody will ask for any of the—interior—of the—well, of the pie." ”

“ The reporter put it down.
"Other rady, your friend,—not so old? Older? More old?"
"I am twenty-two years of age," said Orthodocia gravely, with a reproachful glance at me, "and I weigh ten stone. Height, five feet eight inches. In shoes, I am in the habit of wearing fives; in gloves, six and a half."
The reporter scribbled convulsively.
"Radies will study Japanese porryticks—please say."
"I beg pardon?"
"Yes." Fills another page.
Orthodocia, suavely, "Are they produced here to any extent?"
"We have here many porryticks—ribarer, conservative, monarchist." ”

“ Well, under the berths in the cabin were large drawers for bedding; and she rotated that out, and packed them full of eggs in wool, as snug as you please, and off they started on their voyage. Well, they had nothing but calms, and light airs, or head winds, and were ever so long in getting to town; and, when they anchored, she got her duds together, and began to collect her eggs all ready for landing. The first drawer she opened, out hopped ever so many chickens on the cabin floor, skipping and hopping about, a-chirping, "Chick, chick, chick!" like anything! ”

“ The reporter translated it over again.
"Perhaps," said I nervously, "it's a misprint."
"No," the reporter replied gravely, "Miss Younger-Rady."
"Gracious!" said Orthodocia.
"And if by the rai-road we emproy the steamer, the commerce of Montreal and Japan will prevail. Correspondent asked to Miss Younger-Rady may I heard the story of your caravansery?"
Orthodocia again retired. It was a little trying for me, but when he continued, "She answered, 'From Montreal to Canada the distance is three thousand mires,'" I was glad she had gone. ”

“ It seems a little difficult, but musical—much more musical than our ugly English," interposed Orthodocia.
"Yes. Will you the story of your journey please say?"
"Certainly. We came from Montreal to Vancouver by the C.P.R.—that is the best Western railroad on the continent, because it is built with English capital," bombastically. "Some people say that you never would have heard of Canada in Japan but for the C.P.R., but I am told that they are mostly jealous Republican Americans."
The reporter bowed. ”

“ Five years ago, come next summer, the old lady made a trip to Halifax, in one of our Digby coasters, to see sister Susannah, that is married in that city to Ted Fowler, the upholsterer, and took a whole lot of little notions with her to market to bear expenses; for she is a saving kind of body, is mother, and likes to make two ends meet at the close of the year. Among the rest, was the world and all of eggs, for she was a grand hand in a poultry-yard. ”

“ The landlady had always shown a great admiration for the manly, not to say gigantic charms of the Senator. Upon him she bestowed her brightest smile, and the quick flush on her face and heaving breast told that the Senator had made wild work with her too susceptible heart. ”

“ Its appearance was a little sensational, Orthodocia thought, but she silently concluded, with her usual charity, not to blame the reporter for that, since he couldn't possibly be considered responsible for the exaggerations of the Chinese alphabet.
"Yesterday," translated the reporter solemnly—I must copy the document, which does not give his indescribable pronunciation—"by Canada steamer radies arrived. The correspondent, who is me, went to Grand Hotel, which the radies is. Radies is of Canada, and in-the-time-before of Engrand. They have a beautiful countenance." ”

“ The document contains the interview as it was set down in the language of the translator, who sat with an expression of unruffled repose, and spake aloud from the shimbun which he held in his hand. Sometimes Orthodocia took it down, sometimes he took it down himself, sometimes I took it down while Orthodocia left the room. The reason for this will perhaps be self-evident. Orthodocia and I possess the document in turns, to ward off low spirits. We have only to look at it to bring on an attack of the wildest hilarity. ”

“ Bateese, he's cry lak beeg bebé, "Bâ, j'eux rester ici.
An' if I never see de State, I'm sure I don't care—me."
"Correc'," Maxime is say right off. "I place you on de farm
For help your poor ole fader; won't do you too moche harm.
Please come wit' me on Magasin, I feex you up—bâ oui,
An' den you're ready for go home an' see de familee."
Wall! w'en de old man an' Bateese come off de Magasin
Bateese is los' hees Yankee clothes—he's dress lak Canayen
Wit' bottes sauvages—ceinture fléchée—an' coat wit' capuchon
An' spik Français au naturel, de sam' as habitant. ”

“ In fact, he had never lost confidence in his powers of making himself understood. It was still a fixed conviction of his that in cases of necessity any intelligent man could make his wants known to intelligent foreigners. ”

“ Moral.—It is rare sport to see the Coroner hoist with his own petard.
THE RHINOCEROS AND THE DROMEDARY
A thirsty Rhinoceros, having to his great joy encountered a Dromedary in the desert of Sahara, besought the latter animal of his mercy to give him a drink, but the Dromedary refused, stating that he was holding the fluid for an advance. "Why," said he to the Rhinoceros, "did you not imitate my forethought and prudence, and take some heed to the morrow?" The Rhinoceros acknowledged the justice of the rebuke. ”

“ De tam w'en we was come beeg man, wit' moustache on our mout'.
Bateese is get it on hees head he's too moche educate
For mak' de habitant farmerre—he better go on State—
An' so wan summer evening we're driving home de cow
He's tole me all de whole beez-nesse—jus' lak you hear me now.
"Wat's use mak foolish on de farm? dere's no good chances lef',
An' all de tam you be poor man—you know dat's true you'se'f;
We never get no fun at all—don't never go on spree
Onless we pass on 'noder place, an' mak it some monee. ”

“ More finer dan de Presbytère, w'en I am come riche man!"
I say, "For w'at you spik lak dat? you must be gone crazee.
Dere's plaintee feller on de State, more smarter dan you be;
Besides, she's not so healtee place, an' if you mak l'argent,
You spen' it jus' lak Yankee man, an' not lak habitant.
"For me, Bateese, I tole you dis: I'm very satisfy—
De bes' man don't leev too long tam; some day, ba gosh! he die—
An' s'pose you got good trotter horse, an' nice famme Canadienne
Wit' plaintee on de house for eat—W'at more you want, ma frien'?" ”

“ An' meet de crowd is lookin' for dem cow was go a-strayin'.
Den she' cryin', Victorine, for she's knowin' w'at it mean—
De parish dey was talkin' firse chances dey be gettin'.
\But no sooner dat young man stop de horse, he tak' her han'
An' w'isper, "Never min', ma chère, won't do no good a-frettin'."
Non! she isn't cryin' long, for he tole her it was wrong.
She's sure he save her life too, or she was moche mistaken,
An' de ole Ma-dame Leveque also kiss heem on de neck
An' quickly after dat, Hooraw! de man an' wife dey're makin'.
DOMINIQUE
You dunno ma leetle boy Dominique? ”

“ It's my opinion, her rheumatism is nothing but the effect of want of exercise, and all comes from that cursed "Chick, chick, chick!"
THE DEACON'S BARGAIN
Old Deacon Bruce of Aylesford, last Monday week, bought a sleigh of his fellow-deacon, Squire Burns, for five pounds. On his way home with it, who should he meet but Zeek Morse, a-trudging along through the snow a-foot.
"Friend Zeek," says the old Christian, "won't you get in and ride? Here's room for you and welcome."
"Don't care if I do," said Zeek, "seeing that sitting is as cheap as walking, if you don't pay for it." ”

“ I see Bateese de oder day, he's work hees fader's place.
I t'ink mese'f he's satisfy—I see dat on hees face.
He say, "I got no use for State, mon cher Napoléon.
Kebeck, she's good enough for me—Hooraw! pour Canadaw."
THE JAPANESE REPORTER
We do not know to this day to what circumstance we owed the honour of appearing in print in Japan—whether we were mistaken for individuals of distinction, or whether we were considered remarkable on our own merits on account of being by ourselves ”

“ Den we invite heem come wit' us, "Hôtel du Canadaw,"
W'ere he was treat mos' ev'ry tam, but can't tak' w'iskey blanc.
He say sat's leetle strong for man jus' come off Central Fall,
An "tabac Canayen" bedamme! he won't smoke dat at all!
But fancy drink lak "Collings John" de way he put it down!
Was long tam since I don't see dat—I t'ink he's goin' drown!—
An' fine cigar cos' five cent each, an' mak' on Trois-Rivières!
L'enfant! he smoke beeg pile of dem—for monee he don't care!
I s'pose, meseff, it's t'ree o'clock w'en we are t'roo dat night. ”

“ Bateese Trudeau, dit Waterhole, de be de boss man dere—
You bet he have beeg tam!—but w'en de spring is come encore
He's buy première classe tiquette for go on State some more.
You 'member w'en de hard tam come on Les Etats-Unis,
An' plaintee Canayens go back for stay deir own contree?
Wall! jus' about dat' tam again I go Rivière du Loup
For sole me two-t'ree load of hay—mak' leetle visit too.
De freight train she is jus' arrive—only ten hour delay;
She's never carry passengaire—dat's w'at dey always say.
I see poor man on char caboose—he's got heem small valise. ”

“ Drummond from The Habitant, Johnnie Courteau, and The Voyageur; that of Mrs. Cotes from her Social Departure; McCarroll's poem from Madeleine; Lanigan's Fables from the little volume published under that title; and DeMille's selection from The Dodge Club. Lanigan's humorous verse was never brought together in book form.
Ottawa,
August, 1910.
CONTENTS
HUMOUR OF THE NORTH
THE BLUE NOSE
Let the Student of Nature in rapture descant,
On the Heaven's cerulean hue;
Let the Lover indulge in poetical rant,
When the eyes of his Mistress are blue. ”