Oliver Herford

“ The Capitol of the United States is Washington—named after a famous Britisher who won American Independence from George the III, the fat German King of unsound mind, then holding down the English Throne.
New York is the tallest and the noisiest city in the world. It contains over Five million people speaking a Babel of twenty different languages besides English.
The inhabitants of America are the most Moral and Patriotic people in the World, and their army is second to none in bravery and won the World War. ”

“ It takes much longer to write a Geography than, according to Moses, it took to create the World which it is the Geographer’s business to describe; and since the Critic has been added to the list of created beings, it is no longer the fashion for the Author to pass judgment on his own work. ”

“ To give this imaginary belt some excuse for existence we have depicted the Earth in an imaginary ballet skirt, which without in any way hampering her movements complies with the strict regulations pertaining to feminine attire.
Being self-centred, the Earth has naturally an exaggerated sense of self-esteem. ”

“ The only Flower that succeeds in climbing the high wall is the little flower of Pekoe and her sisters who leave their Porcelain Paradise to cheer without inebriating the dull people of the outside world. ”

“ Nowhere is there a [Pg 82] more impressive example of American inventive Genius than the array of Sky-Scrapers seen from New York Harbour, day and night, year in, year out, scraping away the germ-laden dust and refuse and imparting a bright and cheerful gloss to the surface of the sky. ”

“ It is all very sad about Norway and Sweden! A handsomer country couple—or couple of countries—it would be hard to meet anywhere, and so propinquous! Have they not been next-door neighbours from the infancy of the world? ”

“ In the first chapter of his geography, Moses tells us there were only two people in the world.
Today we are preparing to put up the “standing room only” notice. In another thousand years, for aught we know, the earth may be going round dark and tenantless and bearing the sign “To Let.” What does it matter to us? What are we but microscopic weevils in the mouldy crust of earth? Sufficient unto the day is the weevil thereof. ”

“ When in the course of time the Upper Crust becomes too rich and heavy for the popular [Pg 31] taste, the Social Pie flops over and the Under Crust becomes the Upper Crust.
These periodic flip-flops of the Social Pie are called Revolutions.
You would think that a Revolving Pie would be a disturbing thing to have in one’s system, but the Giddy Globe doesn’t seem to mind it in the least.
Balanced on an imaginary toe, she continues to pirouette at the rate of a thousand miles an hour, just as if nothing were the matter. ”

“ The Giddy Globe is really quite large, not to say obese.
Her waist measurement is no less than twenty-five thousand miles. In the hope of reducing it, the earth takes unceasing and violent exercise, but though she spins round on one toe at the rate of a thousand miles an hour every day, and round the sun once a year, she does not succeed in taking off a single mile or keeping even comfortably warm all over. ”

“ The Earth is self-centred. Poised on an imaginary toe, she pirouettes round her self-centre, at the rate of over a thousand miles an hour.
We say imaginary toe because the Earth, owing to the enormous size of her waist, has never been able to see it. ”

“ CHAPTER IV THE USE OF THE GLOBE
What is the Earth for? Nobody knows. Some say the Earth was made to supply the wants of Man, but as Man is part and parcel of the Earth herself, dust of her dust, mould of her mould, it does not answer the question.
The Friendly Cow. From an instantaneous photograph of animal cracker. ”

“ Children, behold the Chimpanzee!
He sits on the ancestral tree
From which we sprang in ages gone,
I’m glad we sprang—had we held on
We might, for all that I can say,
Be horrid Chimpanzees to-day. ”

“ It is a long jump from Moses, the author of the first work on Geography, to Peter Simple.
When the acrobatic reader has fetched his breath and looks back at the fearsome list of Geographers he has skipped—Strabo, Anaximander, Hecatœus, Demœritus, Eudoxus, Ephorus, Dicœarchus, Erastothenes, Polybius, Posidonius and Charles F. King,—he may well be thankful to find he has fallen upon his feet.
[Pg 21] The Geographer’s task is endless.
The Planet he endeavours to portray is perpetually changing its appearance. ”

“ The Countries of the Earth may be divided into two Groups, the English speaking countries and the Foreign Countries.
The English Speaking Countries which comprise the United States and the British Empire occupy one fourth of the entire surface of the Globe. ”

“ Let us imagine, however, that concealed in the cargo of Hypothetic Nebula destined for the construction of the Terrestrial Globe was a Protoplasmic Stowaway that sprang to being in the shape of a Critic just as the work of Creation was finished. ”

“ How could a lowbrowed viking be expected to understand Boston, much less what was going to be Boston in a thousand years!
Early Map of the Western Hemisphere
After writing his Impressions of America in obscure Runes on a conspicuous rock, Lief pulled up his anchor and sailed home to Norway.
No one could decipher the Runes, but everybody suspected what they meant.
And Lief was justly punished for his rudeness, his statue stands (so runs the tale) in the Fenway of Boston to this day.
[Pg 72] America was not discovered again for nearly five hundred years. ”

“ The janitor is a disobliging old person who has been there since the house was started and holds his job, in spite of incessant complaints. When asked to hurry, he fairly crawls and, when people want him most to stay, nothing can stop him. ”

“ For all we know, in the hidden scheme of Creation, the Cow may herself be the subject for ultimate evolution into the Perfect Being, and Man (to reverse Darwin) , descending through the Ape to ever lower planes, only a discarded experiment. ”

“ In the cellar there is a munition factory where, in defiance of regulations, there are stored High Explosives. These blow up from time to time, causing great damage and loss of life among the tenants. ”