P. G. Wodehouse

“ You were at the piano taking the part of the conductor of the orchestra. What a riot I was—we were! I say, Eustace, old man, I suppose you don't feel well enough to come up now and take your old part? You could do it without a rehearsal. You remember how it went ... 'Hullo, Ernest!' 'Hullo, Frank!' Why not come along?”
“The only piano I will ever sit at will be one firmly fixed on a floor that does not heave and wobble under me.” ”

“ There was too much cork on his cousin's face to allow of any real registering of emotion, but he could tell from his manner that all was not well.
“What's the matter?”
Sam sank on the lounge.
“The bounder has quit!”
“The bounder? What bounder?”
“There is only one! Bream Mortimer, curse him! There may be others whom thoughtless critics rank as bounders, but he is the only man really deserving of the title. He refuses to appear! He has walked out on the act! He has left me flat! I went into his stateroom just now, as arranged, and the man was lying on his bunk, groaning.” ”

“ Eustace Hignett began to fear that his cousin's reason must have become unseated. He could not conceive of any really sane man, looking like that, being anxious to be told how he looked.
“Are my lips red enough? It's for the ship's concert, you know. It starts in half an hour, though I believe I'm not on till the second part. Speaking as a friend, would you put a touch more black round the ears, or are they all right?” ”