“ And as for women wearing fine clothes, which some object against, I say it is for the honour of the nation in general, and must be a particular pleasure to the husband to see his wife as fine as her neighbours.
But there is another pleasure attends upon matrimony, and that is, if he has married a wife who has got a relation in the country, and it is ten to one but she has, for women do not rise out of the earth like pompious, but their pedigrees has somewhere or other a beginning. If the woman has not, perhaps the man has. ”

“ Besides such things set out a room, and make the kitchen, if the house be kept clean, have a reputation among the neighbours. There’s such a one’s house looks like a paradise, says one — It would do one’s heart good to look at it, cries another. And all will grant it is the most provident way for a man to spend but little abroad, and keep the better house at home; and if so, he may well permit his wife to entertain her friends now and then without prejudice to her husband’s estate ”

“ Thus they neither were concerned for his pleasure or his profit, and as for any respect to him, it was no more than an old horse had for his father; it was hateful to them to plout their hands in hawkey’s calf’s cog to hack them; the whole of their toil consisted in trimming of their rigging, though their hull was in a leaky condition; thus they would neither work nor stand idle, for their mental capacities were busily employed teaching the arts of laziness and slandering to one another, and how to torture their master, because he was a Bachelor. ”

“ And when they have been grandly entertained by one cousin, to make a tour to another, and there to have all the welcomes renewed again, must needs be a marvellous pleasure to them both, and more especially to the husband, to see his wife so caressed and made much of among his friends. ”

“ When he had been lodged twelve months in the manse, he found that it was not good for man to be alone, his bed was ill made, his parritch wanted salt, his shoes were not brushed, his shirts wanted buttons, and his black stockings were darned with white thread, his bed dirty, and swarming with fleas, his house in heaps upon heaps, and his meat crammed into the pouches and bellies of every hungry wooer that came after the servants ”

“ But it would take a volume to tell the pleasures of this interview; let it suffice to give him an opportunity to steal her pocket-handkerchief, and to treat her and her maid at the tavern. Nor can his mistress now refuse to let him take as many kisses as he will, which yields him such a mighty pleasure, that he can talk of nothing else but the purple violet, the blushing rose, and the lily’s whiteness; the phoenix nest is not so perfumed as she; and to describe her person, the riches of Mexico and Peru are far too mean to stand in competition with her ”

“ Now, if she would be finer than the rest of her< neighbours, it is the husband’s reputation, and that must give him pleasure. Good housewifery and right management make things last long. It is indeed the honour of men to see cleanliness, nor do they love holes in there stocking heels, nor that their ruffles shold hang like bell ropes: and yet they scorn to set the least stitch in them themselves. ”

“ But at his departure, he scarce forgets to double his generosity to the maid, as she gives her promise of further services to him. Nor is the young baggage worse than her word, for she too well knows her own interest: and therefore, in about a day or two, Dear Mistress, says she, you cannot imagine where I have been this morning! No, says the young gentlewoman how should I? Why, says she, I have been at the conjuror’s, but you cannot think what a man he is! I did but ask whether such a gentleman courted my mistress? ”

“ I know myself so well, that I will leave all the world to judge of me. Patience a little, cries another of the gang, I have known some women have not been with child, till they have been married two or three years. ”

“ For although his studies had again and again driven him to mountains of thought, and perplexities enough to make any man rin red wud, his ears were deaved and his heart sick with complaints, and turmoil; plain speech and mild admonition had no effect with the servants, who only turned the worse on his hand the longer he wanted a wife; they broke the hinges of anger, the bands of good nature they burst in two, they hated the door of civility, nothing was heard but thunderbolts of reproach, and poor Magopico had to help-mate to soothe or assist him in the midst of his distresses ”

“ The young gentlewoman hearing this, is all agog to know the truth of the matter, and having more mind for marriage than devotion, instead of prayer, goes to the conjuror, and he had not been a cunning man, if he had not told her right, being instructed by the maid beforehand what to say. Well, the young gentlewoman being satisfied it was the will of the stars, begins presently to have a good opinion of him, of which the maid fails not to acquaint him. ”

“ But what will such men say to wooing? I own, indeed, it is not matrimony itself, but it is the highway to it, and he that marries without it looses one of the chiefest pleasures that belong to it. So that in order to treat of the pleasures of Matrimony, I find it necessary to begin with Wooing.
Wooing consists in a man’s pitching upon some object of his affections of the female sex; and it is a comfort, there are more maids than mankind, that he is not confined in his choice; for if one will not another will. ”

“ But if the pleasures of Wooing are so very great, then what are the pleasures of Wedding? Consent being given, and the wedding resolved on, the lover has now free access to his mistress, and may kiss above board as much as he pleases; the which is another vast pleasure ”

“ And yet even those who complain the most against matrimony will allow that there are fifteen comforts in it, and if so, though there were no more, which yet I will not grant, who, that is not a madman, would not marry to enjoy fifteen such comforts, as all the world cannot afford him besides? ”

“ I doubt not but it is an allay to many one’s nocturnal pleasures, to think upon the charge he is bringing upon himself, by satisfying a little amorous itch; but when he had done it and done it, and done it again, and finds there it is no danger, then he falls to it without fear or wits. Besides, there is another conveniency, they may live more plentifully, here are no portions to provide for children; when others are forced to sell part, and sometimes all their patrimony, to provide portions for their children. ”

“ But all this does not satisfy the young woman. She fancies there is some peculiar pleasure when a child is gotten, and she longs to know it. And what makes her the more eager is she is upbraided by her neighbours. ”

“ And what is his pleasure now, but the business of housekeeping, and to get all things for it. He that goes a borrowing goes a sorrowing, as the old proverb says. And sure the woman is in an ill condition who is obliged to borrow everything she wants. ”

“ This much redounds to the young man’s disgrace, and is a very great damp to the pleasures of matrimony.—But hold! not so fast, my friend, pray let all things be well considered, and the hare’s foot set against the goose’s giblets, for if there be no children there is less charge. And yet the pleasures of the bed are stil_ the same. They live in the constant use of the means, and who can tell what may come of it. Rome was not built in one day. ”