Sarah Doudney

“ How heavily they weigh on the heart after the opportunity of uttering them has gone by!
Still in sullen silence we lay down side by side. I know not whether he slept; I only know that I lay wide awake all through the weary hours of that memorable night. Ah me, I thought of other nights when I had watched beside his pillow, praying that he might be spared to me! I recalled those long midnight hours when he had wakened from fevered dreams to find me near, and many a broken word of love and gratitude yet haunted my memory. Had he loved Ida Lorimer then? ”

“ But the flickering flames revealed the lines on his face, and lit up the melancholy eyes that sought mine with a troubled gaze.
"I have been very lonely, Louie."
Is there any woman who can hear this confession from a man, and refrain from pitying him? Women are themselves accustomed to loneliness, and to many of them it is only another word for peace. We are not, as a rule, so sociably inclined as men; we can be content with a soft chair, a book, and the unfailing cup of tea, when a man will pine for companionship, and go out of doors, in rain or wind, to seek the face of a friend. ”

“ It seemed to be a new and softer Greystock who was walking by my side, and speaking in this quiet, melancholy voice.
Moreover, the burning pain in my heart, and the ache of my weary head, were fast bewildering my reasoning faculties; and I even began to ask myself whether I had ever known the true Ronald at all? Perhaps he had never loved me; or his love might only have been of that spurious kind which is the outcome of a disappointment.
It is a true saying that nature abhors a void; and many a hasty marriage has been brought about by the dethronement of an old love. ”

“ Perhaps Mr. Drury might be disposed to think less harshly of my marriage if he really knew Ronald. Perhaps this illness of mine, and this enforced stay at the old rectory, might be the means of reviving a dead friendship. I thought that it would; I could not believe that the rector's kind heart could be completely hardened against me.
How blue the sky looked between the twisted boughs of the tall pear tree! Marian and I had often sat under that tree when we were children, reading a fairy tale together; and kind Miss Drury would come to look for us, and fill our hands with cakes. ”

“ Louie, you must begin a new life. Come with me; let me lay at your feet the heart that has always been your own. Let me devote myself to you until I have made you forget your false husband; let me show you how a man can love when he has won the woman of his choice."
Was I going mad? There arose from the depths of my soul a passionate prayer that I might awake and find that I had been dreaming a strange and evil dream. But no; I was sitting on the old sofa in the familiar little room, and there was William Greystock, a veritable form of flesh and blood. ”

“ If he had married a rich wife, his life would have been untroubled by the sight of a pale face and an enfeebled frame. Nothing preserves a woman's beauty like prosperity. Let her tread upon roses—guard her from all the worries that come from lack of money—if you want her to keep her charms.
For the thousandth time, the face of Ida Lorimer, fair, calm, unworn, rose up before me like a vision. Ronald was in the habit of seeing that face often; every day, perhaps. ”

“ For the first time in my life, I shrank from sitting down to a tête-à-tête meal with my husband.
Any one who is intimately acquainted with the ways of men must know that they are never more unpleasant than when they are acting from a sense of duty. I could fancy the lofty moral air with which Ronald would seat himself at our humble board. I pictured the virtuous resignation in his manner when he ate his roast mutton, knowing all the while that William Greystock would have given him salmon a la maître d' hotêl and beef olives. ”

“ How sorrow came upon us in those dreary lodgings I have already told. Six months of mingled bliss and anxiety, and then my husband was stricken down. I sought for no help or sympathy from Lady Waterville in my trouble. Quite alone I watched by Ronald's sick-bed; and nurse was the only friend who visited us in our time of calamity.
Yet not the only friend. There was one face that came like sunshine into the sickroom, one voice that never failed to bid me be of good cheer. ”

“ Miss Coverdale, the petted companion of Lady Waterville, with her rounded cheeks and smiling lips, was soon destined to become a creature of the past.
We lingered long over our afternoon tea, and were still sitting with the cups and the little table between us, when Ronald came in. He was looking noticeably worn and sad—so sad, that after one glance at his face all my gay spirits deserted me.
"We have been enjoying ourselves immensely," said Lady Waterville, in a mischievous tone. "Louie got through a good deal of flirting; it's astonishing to see the progress that she has made in the art! ”

“ I had dreamed it when I dozed over my darning by Ronald's bedside. And once more in fancy, I saw the flash of the glittering jewels on my neck, and believed that very soon I should see them with my bodily sight.
That dream had come to me while I was sitting by the bedroom fire, and wondering, with a perturbed heart, how my husband and I were to face the coming days. If it was to be realised to-night, I was thankful that its fulfilment had been delayed. The time of our tribulation is needed to prepare us for the time of our wealth ”

“ I took care that he should not see my face.
"Yes; she is often there," he replied. "Greystock is a great ally of hers; and he has persuaded her to take pity on the old soul in her loneliness. Lady Waterville was really fond of you, Louie. She misses you so much that she can't help being bitter."
"She used to be very good to me," I said, with a sigh.
"Everybody would be good to you, little woman, if you would let them. But you take far too gloomy a view of people, and of life in general; and your face is getting to wear a settled look of melancholy. ”

“ I did not want to go to Richmond—I did not want to go anywhere—the desire to see green trees and fields was still strong within me, but I longed to be alone in the old haunts of my childhood, in scenes which were unconnected with the love and pain of my later life. Yet how could I refuse an invitation which had been already accepted by my husband?
"I am a very poor creature now-a-days," I said, with a miserable attempt to speak lightly. "People who go to picnics ought to be good walkers, and have a fund of animal spirits. I am not gay enough to join your party, Mr. Greystock." ”

“ It was the very hour for music, and as he touched the strings of the guitar, that sweet, gay melody sounded in my ears again.
It is not given to all of us to know the meaning of the melodies that blend with our lives; and some may have to wait till such strains are repeated by "the harpers harping with their harps" before the throne. But to every one there comes the old music of Hope; the promise (however faintly chanted) of that voice which heaven has lent to earth. And, although the turmoil of the great crowd may often drown its notes, the song is always the same ”

“ As for me, I loved my fetters, and felt that my heart would break with the breaking of a single link. But I feared that Ronald had already caught a glimpse of the iron under the velvet, and had begun to sigh for release.
"Don't cry, Louie," he was saying, penitently. "You do make me feel myself such a brute when you take to weeping. And, really, you have wept so much lately, that we seem to be always living in a damp atmosphere. Why shouldn't we bask in the sun sometimes? Look up, dear, and tell me that you will try to be bright." ”

“ I have only a poor home to offer you, Louie; but I will work for you, dear. Will you come to me?"
Lady Waterville still slumbered peacefully; the large tabby cat kept up a drowsy purr on the hearth-rug at my feet, and there was no one near to utter a word of caution. Yet, in my own heart, a stern voice failed not to make itself heard above all love's fervent pleadings; and for an instant I paused, and listened to that inward warning. Then Ronald's eyes met mine, and the bright vision of an Eden came back at once; I should have been more than woman if I could have resisted its spell. ”

“ A true love is never blind; it is keener-sighted even than hate, it makes itself acquainted with all the weak places in the loved one's nature that it may mount guard over the undefended spots. And my insight into Ronald's inner self revealed to me a wealth of unsuspected good.
Knowing that I understood him far better than she did, I permitted Lady Waterville to say what she liked; but she could not delude me into the belief that I was a heroine. Nor could she even persuade me to alter my opinion of Mr. Greystock. ”

“ Why, Louie, you have a guitar here! Is it yours?"
"No; that is Ronald's. Ah, Marian, how I should like to hear you sing again! Can't you remember any of your old songs? Sing one of Moore's—something sweet and old-fashioned—I am so tired of all our ballads of to-day. There should not be too many deep thoughts in verses that are written for music. A little sentiment—a little pathos—a dash of hope—that is all that we want to sing about. There are poems that are inscribed on our hearts with the point of a diamond, but we do not care to sing them." ”

“ In the afternoon I established myself in my old seat in the arm-chair, determined to court repose. If I slept at all, it could only have been a doze which lasted a few minutes. And then, as before, a loud double knock made me start up, half-bewildered; and once again William Greystock was my visitor.
His first glance at me must have shown him the evident traces of misery and illness; my first glance at him revealed a change in his face which startled and astonished me. ”

“ Lady Waterville quoted his wise sayings continually, and was often heard to wish that Ronald—"poor, foolish, fascinating Ronald—" would put himself completely under the guidance of Mr. Greystock.
"Do you think Mr. Hepburne fascinating?" I said, one day.
"Yes," she answered, "and so do you, Louie. I admire that soft, languid manner of his; and you are in love with his melancholy face and manifold misfortunes. It does not matter to you that he brought a good many of those misfortunes on himself; like all women of your type, you are willing to heal wounds without inquiring how they were gained. ”

“ One might know Doctor Warstone for years without finding out one quarter of the good that he did every day. Often and often I have heard clergymen extolled to the skies for doing splendid things which a doctor does naturally and simply, never getting a word of praise. They are great men, these doctors who toil in our large towns—cheerful in the midst of sorrow, quick to help, prompt to save. And to this day, when any one talks about an ideal hero, the face of Doctor Warstone rises up in my memory, and I think of all the noble deeds, known and unknown, that this quiet worker has done. ”

“ When I wrote the foregoing little song, it was early in an April morning; the only sunbeams that I could see were shining on brick walls, blackened with smoke; and the only sky that I could see was a patch of pale blue above the chimney-tops. But, as I lifted my head from my pillow, a feeling of unutterable gratitude thrilled me through and through: it was the last night that we should ever spend in that dreary London room, and Ronald had been sleeping soundly and long. Weeping may endure for a night (and with me it had endured for many nights) , but joy cometh in the morning. ”

“ I said, going to the sofa and kneeling down by his side. "I wish we could ramble under the trees and among the buttercups, as if we were children. Do you recollect a day we spent at Richmond in May? There was a great lilac bush in the hotel garden, and I buried my face in a mass of bloom, and half-intoxicated myself with perfume! Dear, I felt as if my heart was not large enough to hold its happiness! The flowers—the fragrance—the sunshine-and—you!" ”

“ Ronald's face brightened at the invitation.
"We have been living like two hermits," he said. "It's time that we saw a little more of the world. Not that I am tired of your society, Louie; but I'm afraid I shall bore you awfully if you never see any one else, and I like this friend of yours; she is worth knowing."
I, too, was well pleased, although my pleasure was considerably damped by the consciousness of having to wear an old gown. Marian was, I knew, incapable of any unkindly criticism; but other eyes might look less indulgently on my old frock. ”

“ Many friends come to the villa, and charm us with their bright talk and news of that great world which we only peep into now and then. But Ronald and I are very little known in society, and we prefer to hear of its doings from others, instead of plunging into its whirl ourselves. Our early misunderstandings have made us cling all the closer to each other; life is so sweet to us (ay, and so short) , that we do not care to waste it in intercourse with mere acquaintances. The stranger inter-meddleth not with our joy. ”

“ I dropped into a doze, and dreamed that I was standing before a glass, with diamonds flashing on my head and neck. You can't imagine how clear the dream was, Ronald. At this moment I can scarcely believe that it was only a dream. It seems as if I had verily handled and worn those diamonds."
"I wish I could make the dream come true," he answered, kissing me, with a troubled look in his eyes. "But if diamonds are unattainable, flowers are always to be had, and you don't want jewels to wear at a quiet dinner. ”

“ Debts are the prickly brambles that encompass an imprudent marriage, and tear the clasped hands of wedded love. It was very seldom that I ventured to speak of them to Ronald; the subject irritated him; and so I endured the pain inflicted by all those little thorns in silence. Sometimes the smart was almost intolerable, and no one knew what bitter tears it wrung from me in solitary hours. Nurse was the only person who guessed my sufferings, but she could not realise how sharp they were.
I entered the house, and sat down wearily on the sofa in the little parlour, with my parcel in my lap. ”

“ That last farewell was echoing in my ears as I carried the guitar carefully downstairs.
In my old country home I had often heard it said that the blessing of the dying is a good gift. I was glad to recall those parting words, although they made me weep. And little did I then know how strangely significant they would seem to me in a time that was yet to come.
Before I had got to the bottom of the stairs, I met a nursing Sister, evidently on her way to the sick room. She stood aside to let me pass, and it comforted me to feel that Monsieur Léon would not long be left alone. ”