Theodore Winthrop

“ Now, Voltaire, if we could get Major Kerr alone in that dining-room in the dusk of the evening to-morrow, I could walk him off easily.”
“Ho!” exclaims the butler. “That’s all settled beforehand.”
“Kerr sometimes makes late sittings there, then? I fancied I knew his habits.”
“He’s a poor hand at courtin’,” says Voltaire, with contempt. “Ladies likes dewotion, — that’s my ’sperience. He’s only dewoted to fillin’ hisself full of wine.”
“A two-bottle man?”
“Every day, when the ladies leave table, he rubs his hands,” — Voltaire imitates, — “and says, ‘Now then, old boy, fresh bottle! ”

“ Which he opened his mouth to do.
“What people, besides the two ladies and Major Kerr, will be at your house to-morrow evening, — the servants, I mean?”
“Oh! we live small at the Manor, now, ridiculous small. It’s war times now. Rents isn’t paid. When we want a proper lot of servants, we takes clodhoppers.” ”

“ If the Major thinks he ought to be stupid-tipsy for the good of the cause and Miss Lucy, I can deteriorate him, into his Madeira, with a little drop of our French Gutter de Rosy brandy. That will take the starch out of his legs, and make him easy to handle. ”