Tom Taylor

“ Trenchard, you are not used to the manners of good society, and that, alone, will excuse the impertinence of which you have been guilty.
Asa Don't know the manners of good society, eh? Well, I guess I know enough to turn you inside out, old gal—you sockdologizing old man-trap. Wal, now, when I think what I've thrown away in hard cash to-day I'm apt to call myself some awful hard names, 400,000 dollars is a big pile for a man to light his cigar with. If that gal had only given me herself in exchange, it wouldn't have been a bad bargain. ”

“ There lies four hundred thousand dollars, if there's a cent. Asa, boy, you're a hoss. [Starts off, R. 1 C.]
Mary To me, all to me. Oh Mr. Trenchard, how we have all wronged poor grandfather. What, gone? He felt after such tidings, he felt I should be left alone—who would suspect there was such delicacy under that rough husk, but I can hardly believe the startling news—his heiress—I, the penniless orphan of an hour ago, no longer penniless, but, alas, an orphan still, [Enter Florence.] with none to share my wealth, none to love me. ”

“ Flo Here, cousin, are the fixins.
Asa That's yer sort. Now then, I'll give you all a drink that'll make you squeal. [To Binny] Here, Puffy, just shake that up, faster. I'll give that sick gal a drink that'll make her squirm like an eel on a mud bank.
Dun [Screams.] What a horrible idea. [Runs about stage.]
Flo Oh, don't mind him! That's only an American joke.
Dun A joke! Do you call that a joke? To make a sick girl squirm like a mud bank on an eel's skin?
Asa Yes, I'll give you a drink that'll make your whiskers return under your chin, which is their natural location. ”

“ He's positively idiotic, he is— Ah! here comes Miss Georgina, that gorgeous creature—that lovely sufferer. [Exit, L. 1 E.]
Asa [Looking out.] What's the price of hair dye? Hallo! he's coming again with that sick girl.
Re-enter Dundreary and Georgina, L. 1 E.
Dun Will you try and strengthen your limbs with a gentle walk in the garden?
Georgina No, thank you, my lord. I'm so delicate. Oh, my lord, it is so painful to walk languidly through life, to be unable, at times, to bear the perfumes of one's favorite flowers. ”

“ Asa [Down L. of Florence, overhearing.] Oh! that's your idea, is it? Wal, stranger, I don't know what they're going to do with me, but wherever they do put me, I hope it will be out of the reach of a jackass. I'm a real hoss, I am, and I get kinder riley with those critters.
Dun Now he thinks he's a horse. I've heard of a great jackass, and I dreampt of a jackass, but I don't believe there is any such insect.
Flo Well, cousin, I hope you made yourself comfortable.
Asa Well, no, I can't say as I did. You see there was so many all-fired fixins in my room I couldn't find anything I wanted. ”

“ Coyle Shallow, selfish fool. She warned you of me did she? And you did not heed her; you shall both pay dearly. She, for her suspicions, and you that you did not share them. [Walks up and down.] How lucky the seals were not cut from that mortgage, when the release was given. 'Tis like the silly security of the Trenchard's. This mortgage makes Ravensdale mine, while the release that restores it to its owner lies in the recess of the bureau, whose secret my father revealed to me on his death bed. ”

“ Flo Some pumpkins, first I am small potatoes, and now I'm some pumpkins.
Asa But she, she can milk cows, set up the butter, make cheese, and, darn me, if them ain't what I call raal downright feminine accomplishments.
Flo I do believe you are right cousin, so Mary do allow me to congratulate you upon not being small potatoes.
Mary Well, I must look to my dairy or all my last week's milk will be spoiled. Good bye, Florence, dear. Good bye, Mr. Trenchard. Good morning, sir. [Exit into Cottage.]
Asa [Following her to door.] Good morning, Miss. I'll call again. ”

“ Dun Why, does he want Mary to slap Jack?
Asa No pork and beans!
Dun Pork's been here, but he's left.
Asa And where on airth's the clam chowder?
Dun Where is clam chowder? He's never here when he's wanted.
Asa [Drinks and spits.] Here's your health, old hoss. Do you call that a drink? See here, cousin, you seem to be the liveliest critter here, so just hurry up the fixins, and I'll show this benighted aristocratic society what real liquor is. So hurry up the fixins.
All Fixins?
Flo What do you mean by fixins?
Asa Why, brandy, rum, gin and whiskey. We'll make them all useful. ”

“ Asa Wal, I guess shooting with bows and arrows is just about like most things in life, all you've got to do is keep the sun out of your eyes, look straight—pull strong—calculate the distance, and you're sure to hit the mark in most things as well as shooting.
Aug But not in England, Mr. Trenchard. There are disinterested hearts that only ask an opportunity of showing how they despise that gold, which others set such store by.
Asa Wal, I suppose there are, Miss Gusty. ”

“ Dun The same.
Asa Wal, if you're cured I want to stay sick. He must be a mighty smart man.
Dun A very clever man, he is.
Asa Wal, darn me, if there ain't a physiological change taking place. Your whiskers at this moment—
Dun My whiskers!
Asa Yes, about the ends they're as black as a niggers in billing time, and near the roots they're all speckled and streaked.
Dun [Horror struck.] My whiskers speckled and streaked?
Asa [Showing bottle.] Now, this is a wonderful invention.
Dun My hair dye. My dear sir.
Asa [Squeezing his hand.] How are you?
Dun Dear Mr. Trenchard. ”

“ Dun When I say wight I mean black.
Asa Say, shall I tell that sick gal about that hair dye?
Dun No, you needn't tell that sick gal about that hair dye!
Asa Wal, I won't, if you don't want me to.
Dun [Aside.] That man is a damned rattlesnake.
[Goes up, sits in Georgina's lap—turns to apologize, sits in Augusta's lap—same business with Mrs. M, then goes back to Georgina.]
Asa Miss Georgina. [She comes down.] How's your appetite? shall I tell that lord about the beefsteak and onions I saw you pitching into?
Geo Please don't, Mr. Trenchard, I'm so delicate. ”

“ Good morning, Miss Mary. [Enter Mary from cottage L.]
Mary Oh, Wickens, you are there. How kind of you to help me with the milk pails to-day, when all the lads and lasses have given themselves a holiday to see the shooting.
John Ah, Miss Mary, you ought to be among then, with a green hat and feather, if all had their rights.
Mary [Laughing.] Nay, ladies without a farthing in the world, ought to put aside their ladyships and make themselves: besides I'm proud of my dairy here, just help me with this troublesome fellow, steady, don't shake it, the cream is foaming so beautifully. There. ”

“ Asa You'd better make haste or your whiskers will be changed again. They'll be a pea green in about a minute.
Dun [Crosses to L.] Pea green! [Exits hastily into house.]
Asa I guess I've got a ring in his nose now. I wonder how that sick gal is getting along? Wal, darn me, if the dying swallow ain't pitching into ham and eggs and home-made bread, wal, she's a walking into the fodder like a farmer arter a day's work rail splitting. I'll just give her a start. How de do, Miss, allow me to congratulate you on the return of your appetite. [Georgina scream.] ”

“ Dun Yes, you're very troublesome, you are. No, I mean you're a lovely sufferer, that's the idea. [They go up to cottage door.]
Enter Asa, running against Dundreary.
Dun There's that damned rhinoceros again. [Exit into cottage, with Georgina.]
Asa There goes that benighted aristocrat and that little toad of a sick gal. [Looks off.] There he's a settling her in a chair and covering her all over with shawls. Ah! it's a caution, how these women do fix our flint for us. Here he comes. [Takes out bottle.] How are you, hair dye. [Goes behind dairy.] ”

“ Coyle to-day.
Flo Dear papa, how I wish you would get another agent.
Sir E Nonsense, Florence, impossible. He knows my affairs. His father was agent for the late Baronet. He's one of the family, almost.
Flo Papa, I have implicit faith in my own judgement of faces. Depend upon it, that man is not to be trusted.
Sir E Florence, you are ridiculous. I could not get on a week without him. [Aside.] Curse him, I wish I could! Coyle is a most intelligent agent, and a most faithful servant of the family.
Enter Binny, L. 3 E.
Binny Mr. Coyle and hagent with papers. ”

“ Mrs M [Rising.] Ah, Sir Edward, that is just my case; but you'll never know what it is to be a mother. [Comes down, L. C.] Georgina, Augusta, my dears, come here. [They come down each side of her.] You'll sometimes think of your poor mamma, bless you. [Aside to them.] Oh, you couple of fools.
[Bumps their foreheads. Dundreary has business with Georgina, then leads her to a seat, L.]
De B [To Dundreary.] Why, Fred, we're all getting married!
Dun Yes, it's catching, like the cholera.
Binny I 'ope, Sir Edward, there's no objections to my leading Miss Sharpe to the hymenial halter. ”

“ No! see, you live on suction, you're like that bird with a long bill, they call doctor, no, that's not it, I thought it was a doctor, because it has a long bill—I mean a snipe—yes, you're a lovely snipe. ”

“ I am my own mistress here, and not anybody's humble servant, I sometimes find myself singing as the birds do, because I can't help it [Song, "Maid with the milking pail," can be introduced here.]
Enter Florence and Asa through gate, R. 3 E.
Flo Come along, cousin, come along. I want to introduce you to my little cousin. [Kisses Mary.] I've brought you a visitor, Miss Mary Meredith, Mr. Asa Trenchard, our American cousin. [They shake hands.] That will do for the present. This young gentleman has carried off the prize by three successive shots in the bull's eye. ”

“ Dun Miss Florence, will you be kind enough to tell Miss Georgina all about that American relative of yours.
Flo Oh, about my American cousin; certainly. [Aside to Harry.] Let's have some fun. Well, he's about 17 feet high!
Dun Good gracious! 17 feet high!
Flo They are all 17 feet high in America, ain't they, Mr. Vernon?
Ver Yes, that's about the average height.
Flo And they have long black hair that reaches down to their heels; they have dark copper-colored skin, and they fight with—What do they fight with, Mr. Vernon? ”

“ Dun Well, sometimes I have a glass of brandy with an egg in it, sometimes a run 'round the duck-pond, sometimes a game of checkers—that's for exercise, and perhaps a game of billiards.
Flo No, no; you have with me after luncheon, an ap—an ap—
Dun An ap— an ap—
Flo An ap—an appoint—appointment.
Dun An ointment, that's the idea. [Knocks against De Boots as they go up stage.]
Mrs M [Aside.] That artful girl has designs upon Lord Dundreary. Augusta, dear, go and see how your poor, dear sister is this morning.
Aug Yes, mamma. [Exit, L. 1 E.]
Mrs M She is a great sufferer, my dear. ”

“ Enter, from R. 2. E., Sir E., Mrs. M. Florence, Vernon, Augusta, De Boots, Wickens, Coyle, Sharpe, Binny, Skillet, Buddicombe, two servants in livery, carrying tray and glasses, a wine basket containing four bottles to represent champagne, knife to cut strings, some powerful acid in one bottle for Asa—pop sure.
Sir E Now to distribute the prizes, and drink to the health of the winner of the golden arrow.
Flo And there must stand the hero of the day. Come, kneel down. ”

“ Asa Yes, I think the next thing will be to get washed. You're not a handsome man at best, and now you're awful. [Coyle makes a dash at Murcott. Asa catches him and turns him round to R.] Mr. Coyle, in your present state of mind, you had better go first.
Coyle [Bitterly.] Oh, sir, it is your turn now.
Asa Yes, it is my turn, but you can have the first wash. Come along Murcott. [Exeunt, R. 1 E]
Change Scene
Scene 7—Library in Trenchard Manor in 3 or 4.
Sir Edward discovered seated R. of table.
Sir E The clock is on the stroke of two, and Coyle is waiting my decision. ”

“ Coyle Keep it?
Asa Yes, and that's all I do want you to keep of his, and instead of saying you have come to foreclose the mortgage, I want you to say, you have found the release which proves the mortgage to have been paid off. ”

“ Binny That'll do, that'll do; but to remember to check hidle curiosity is the first duty of men hin livery. Ha, 'ere hare the letters.
Enter John Wickens, L. 3 E., with green baize bag. Binny takes bag, takes out letters and reads addresses.
Binny Hah! bill, of course, Miss Augusta, Mrs. Mountchessington, Lord Dundreary, Capt. De Boots, Miss Georgina Mountchessington, Lieut. Vernon, ah! that's from the admiralty. What's this? Miss Florence Trenchard, via Brattleboro', Vermont. ”

“ Oh! my poor muddled brain, surely there was a release with it when I found it. I must see Florence to warn her and expose Coyle's villainy. Oh! how my poor head throbs when I try to. I shall die if I don't have a drop of brandy, yes brandy. [Exit, L. 1 E.]
Scene 3—Chamber in 3. at Trenchard Manor. Large shower bath near R. 3 E. Toilet table with draw, L. 2 E. Small bottle in draw with red sealing wax on cork. Asa discovered seated, R. with foot on table, smoking a cigar. Valise on floor in front of him. Binny discovered standing by his side. ”

“ Flo An eye for color! Yes, especially green.
Dun [Screams.] Ha! ha! ha!
All What's the matter?
Dun Why, that wath a joke, that wath.
Flo Where was the joke?
Dun Especially, ha! ha!
Sir E Florence, dear, I must leave you to represent me to my guests. These letters will give me a great deal of business to-day.
Flo Well, papa, remember I am your little clerk and person of all work.
Sir E No, no; this is private business—money matters, my love, which women know nothing about. [Aside.] Luckily for them, I expect Mr. ”