W. Pett Ridge

“ He's been away from me for six year, and the least he can do now he has come 'ome is to apologise."
"Spoke like a true woman. Ma'am," remarked the landlady applaudingly. She tapped at the door. "Mr. Merryweather! Mr. Merryweather! Opin the door. 'Ere's your wife come to see you."
"Go away," shouted Mr. Bell, "and don't be a silly juggins."
"That voice!" exclaimed the new arrival ecstatically. "Oh, I could swear to it amongst a thousin'!"
"Come, Mr. Merryweather," called the landlady in appealing tones, "open the door like a man."
"I ain't her 'usband at all," bawled Mr. Bell. ”

“ Bell valiantly, "and I ain't a-cowerin'."
"Merryweather!" said the large lady, "one last appeal I make to you. Before I call upon the lor to help me, give in to the promptings of the heart and return to your 'ome. If it's a hot supper you want, you shall 'ave it. If it's your pipe you want, you can smoke it now all over the 'ouse. If ever I was 'arsh with you in the old days, we 'll let bygones be bygones, and begin afresh."
"You 'll excuse me," said Mrs. Bell, trembling, "but will you kindly let me know what you 're jolly well talking about?"
"Come 'ere," said the landlady to Mrs. ”

“ For pretendin' to be dead, and wrong information being sent 'ome by others to your widow, and her thereby getting a matter of two 'undred pounds out of an insurance company, the penalty is——"
She turned, and bent down to whisper.
Go on with you!" said Mr. Bell with great concern. "Who's been filling your silly young 'ead with that nonsense? The lor can see a joke as well as anyone. Besides, it wasn't my fault that they thought I was done for."
"If you don't believe me, ask someone else. 'Ere's a sergeant going along outside now. ”

“ Bell.
"Granted, granted," he said anxiously. "A better business-woman never lived. All the same, you naturally want me to stay on and make meself generally useful."
"Do I, indeed?"
"As you very properly argue, a wife has got a perfect right to expect that her 'usband shall make his 'ome under the same roof as her, and not to go voyaging about on a cargo-vessel that doesn't keep in the same position for two seconds together. ”

“ Good Manners and Good Food! We Invite a Trial!" Waiting customers found the journals which are still called comic to inspect; others, who had been served, propped an evening paper against their metal teapot to read an alluring inquest case, the while they blew at the contents of their cup and sipped noisily. A clean-shaven brown-faced man, with an undecided chin, came in between the swing-doors and sat cautiously on a vacant seat near the window. He concealed himself in ambush behind a Star.
"Good evening, Sir!" said young Mrs. Bell. "Lovely weather for the time of the year, isn't it?" Mrs. ”

“ Oh, that—oh, that——"
"She's faintin'!" screamed the landlady. "If you are a man, and not a block of wood, opin the door, Mr. Merrywiather, and lend me a 'and!"
Thus appealed to, Mr. Bell opened the door. His landlady was endeavouring to support a very large woman whose eyes were half closed ”

“ What I mean is, it can't be nearly so stuffy, you see, as being cooped up in a place like this with the gas going all day. The sea, now, must be so different."
"It 's got its drawbacks," said the man.
"After all, though." remarked the waitress, "I expect you 're glad to get back to London again." ”