William Shakespeare

“ FALSTAFF.
Men of all sorts take a pride to gird at me. The brain of this foolish-compounded clay, man, is not able to invent anything that tends to laughter more than I invent, or is invented on me. I am not only witty in myself, but the cause that wit is in other men. I do here walk before thee like a sow that hath overwhelmed all her litter but one. If the Prince put thee into my service for any other reason than to set me off, why then I have no judgement. Thou whoreson mandrake, thou art fitter to be worn in my cap than to wait at my heels. ”

“ WARWICK.
We do remember, but our argument
Is all too heavy to admit much talk.
LANCASTER.
Well, peace be with him that hath made us heavy!
CHIEF JUSTICE.
Peace be with us, lest we be heavier!
GLOUCESTER.
O, good my lord, you have lost a friend indeed;
And I dare swear you borrow not that face
Of seeming sorrow; it is sure your own.
LANCASTER.
Though no man be assured what grace to find,
You stand in coldest expectation.
I am the sorrier; would ’twere otherwise.
CLARENCE.
Well, you must now speak Sir John Falstaff fair,
Which swims against your stream of quality. ”

“ Have you not a moist eye, a dry hand, a yellow cheek, a white beard, a decreasing leg, an increasing belly? Is not your voice broken, your wind short, your chin double, your wit single, and every part about you blasted with antiquity? And will you yet call yourself young? Fie, fie, fie, Sir John!
FALSTAFF.
My lord, I was born about three of the clock in the afternoon, with a white head and something a round belly. For my voice, I have lost it with halloing and singing of anthems. To approve my youth further, I will not. The truth is, I am only old in judgement and understanding ”

“ BARDOLPH.
Pardon, sir, I have heard the word—phrase call you it? By this day, I know not the phrase, but I will maintain the word with my sword to be a soldier-like word, and a word of exceeding good command, by heaven. Accommodated, that is when a man is, as they say, accommodated, or when a man is being whereby he may be thought to be accommodated; which is an excellent thing.
SHALLOW.
It is very just.
Enter Falstaff.
Look, here comes good Sir John. Give me your good hand, give me your worship’s good hand. By my troth, you like well and bear your years very well. ”

“ FALSTAFF.
Glasses, glasses, is the only drinking. And for thy walls, a pretty slight drollery, or the story of the Prodigal, or the German hunting in waterwork, is worth a thousand of these bed-hangers and these fly-bitten tapestries. Let it be ten pound, if thou canst. Come, an ’twere not for thy humours, there’s not a better wench in England. Go, wash thy face, and draw the action. Come, thou must not be in this humour with me; dost not know me? Come, come, I know thou wast set on to this.
HOSTESS.
Pray thee, Sir John, let it be but twenty nobles. ”

“ FALSTAFF.
Carry Master Silence to bed. Master Shallow, my Lord Shallow, be what thou wilt; I am Fortune’s steward! Get on thy boots, we’ll ride all night. O sweet Pistol! Away, Bardolph!
[Exit Bardolph.]
Come, Pistol, utter more to me; and withal devise something to do thyself good. Boot, boot, Master Shallow. I know the young King is sick for me. Let us take any man’s horses. The laws of England are at my commandment. Blessed are they that have been my friends, and woe to my Lord Chief Justice! ”

“ BARDOLPH.
Go to, stand aside.
FEEBLE.
By my troth, I care not. A man can die but once. We owe God a death. I’ll ne’er bear a base mind. An ’t be my destiny, so; an ’t be not, so. No man’s too good to serve’s prince, and let it go which way it will, he that dies this year is quit for the next.
BARDOLPH.
Well said, th’art a good fellow.
FEEBLE.
Faith, I’ll bear no base mind.
Enter Falstaff and the Justices.
FALSTAFF.
Come, sir, which men shall I have?
SHALLOW.
Four of which you please.
BARDOLPH.
Sir, a word with you. I have three pound to free Mouldy and Bullcalf. ”

“ I am a knight, sir, and my name is Colevile of the Dale.
FALSTAFF.
Well, then, Colevile is your name, a knight is your degree, and your place the Dale. Colevile shall be still your name, a traitor your degree, and the dungeon your place, a place deep enough; so shall you be still Colevile of the Dale.
COLEVILE.
Are not you Sir John Falstaff?
FALSTAFF.
As good a man as he, sir, whoe’er I am. Do ye yield, sir, or shall I sweat for you? If I do sweat, they are the drops of thy lovers, and they weep for thy death. Therefore rouse up fear and trembling, and do observance to my mercy. ”

“ Where’s the roll? Let me see, let me see, let me see. So, so, so, so, so, so, so. Yea, marry, sir: Ralph Mouldy! Let them appear as I call; let them do so, let them do so. Let me see; where is Mouldy?
MOULDY.
Here, an it please you.
SHALLOW.
What think you, Sir John? A good-limbed fellow, young, strong, and of good friends.
FALSTAFF.
Is thy name Mouldy?
MOULDY.
Yea, an’t please you.
FALSTAFF.
’Tis the more time thou wert used.
SHALLOW.
Ha, ha, ha! most excellent, i’ faith! Things that are mouldy lack use. Very singular good, in faith, well said, Sir John, very well said. ”

“ And dub me knight:
Samingo.
Is’t not so?
FALSTAFF.
’Tis so.
SILENCE.
Is’t so? Why then, say an old man can do somewhat.
Enter Davy.
DAVY.
An’t please your worship, there’s one Pistol come from the court with news.
FALSTAFF.
From the court? Let him come in.
Enter Pistol.
How now, Pistol?
PISTOL.
Sir John, God save you!
FALSTAFF.
What wind blew you hither, Pistol?
PISTOL.
Not the ill wind which blows no man to good. Sweet knight, thou art now one of the greatest men in this realm. ”

“ You have misled the youthful prince.
FALSTAFF.
The young prince hath misled me. I am the fellow with the great belly, and he my dog.
CHIEF JUSTICE.
Well, I am loath to gall a new-healed wound. Your day’s service at Shrewsbury hath a little gilded over your night’s exploit on Gad’s Hill. You may thank th’ unquiet time for your quiet o’er-posting that action.
FALSTAFF.
My lord!
CHIEF JUSTICE.
But since all is well, keep it so: wake not a sleeping wolf.
FALSTAFF.
To wake a wolf is as bad as smell a fox.
CHIEF JUSTICE.
What! You are as a candle, the better part burnt out. ”

“ Sir John!
FALSTAFF.
What! A young knave, and begging! Is there not wars? Is there not employment? Doth not the King lack subjects? Do not the rebels need soldiers? Though it be a shame to be on any side but one, it is worse shame to beg than to be on the worst side, were it worse than the name of rebellion can tell how to make it. ”

“ You follow the young prince up and down, like his ill angel.
FALSTAFF.
Not so, my lord, your ill angel is light, but I hope he that looks upon me will take me without weighing. And yet in some respects, I grant, I cannot go. I cannot tell. Virtue is of so little regard in these costermongers’ times that true valour is turned bearherd; pregnancy is made a tapster, and hath his quick wit wasted in giving reckonings. All the other gifts appertinent to man, as the malice of this age shapes them, are not worth a gooseberry. You that are old consider not the capacities of us that are young ”

“ Wilt thou make as many holes in an enemy’s battle as thou hast done in a woman’s petticoat?
FEEBLE.
I will do my good will, sir, you can have no more.
FALSTAFF.
Well said, good woman’s tailor! Well said, courageous Feeble! Thou wilt be as valiant as the wrathful dove or most magnanimous mouse. Prick the woman’s tailor: well, Master Shallow, deep, Master Shallow.
FEEBLE.
I would Wart might have gone, sir.
FALSTAFF.
I would thou wert a man’s tailor, that thou mightst mend him and make him fit to go. I cannot put him to a private soldier that is the leader of so many thousands. ”

“ Ah, villain!
FALSTAFF.
A rascally slave! I will toss the rogue in a blanket.
DOLL.
Do, an thou darest for thy heart. An thou dost, I’ll canvass thee between a pair of sheets.
Enter Music.
PAGE.
The music is come, sir.
FALSTAFF.
Let them play. Play, sirs. Sit on my knee, Doll. A rascal bragging slave! The rogue fled from me like quicksilver.
DOLL.
I’ faith, and thou followedst him like a church. Thou whoreson little tidy Bartholomew boar-pig, when wilt thou leave fighting a-days and foining a-nights, and begin to patch up thine old body for heaven? ”

“ O Lord, ay! Good Master Snare.
SNARE.
Here, here.
FANG.
Snare, we must arrest Sir John Falstaff.
HOSTESS.
Yea, good Master Snare, I have entered him and all.
SNARE.
It may chance cost some of our lives, for he will stab.
HOSTESS.
Alas the day, take heed of him. He stabbed me in mine own house, and that most beastly, in good faith. He cares not what mischief he does, if his weapon be out, he will foin like any devil. He will spare neither man, woman, nor child. ”

“ To this debate that bleedeth at our doors,
We will our youth lead on to higher fields
And draw no swords but what are sanctified.
Our navy is address’d, our power collected,
Our substitutes in absence well invested,
And everything lies level to our wish.
Only we want a little personal strength;
And pause us till these rebels now afoot
Come underneath the yoke of government.
WARWICK.
Both which we doubt not but your Majesty
Shall soon enjoy.
KING.
Humphrey, my son of Gloucester,
Where is the Prince your brother?
GLOUCESTER.
I think he’s gone to hunt, my lord, at Windsor. ”

“ It is more than for some, my lord; it is for all, all I have. He hath eaten me out of house and home. He hath put all my substance into that fat belly of his: but I will have some of it out again, or I will ride thee o’ nights like the mare.
FALSTAFF.
I think I am as like to ride the mare if I have any vantage of ground to get up.
CHIEF JUSTICE.
How comes this, Sir John? Fie! what man of good temper would endure this tempest of exclamation? Are you not ashamed to enforce a poor widow to so rough a course to come by her own? ”

“ My captain, sir, commends him to you, my captain, Sir John Falstaff, a tall gentleman, by heaven, and a most gallant leader.
SHALLOW.
He greets me well, sir. I knew him a good backsword man. How doth the good knight? May I ask how my lady his wife doth?
BARDOLPH.
Sir, pardon. A soldier is better accommodated than with a wife.
SHALLOW.
It is well said, in faith, sir, and it is well said indeed too. “Better accommodated!” It is good, yea indeed, is it. Good phrases are surely, and ever were, very commendable. “Accommodated.” It comes of accommodo. Very good, a good phrase. ”

“ COLEVILE.
I think you are Sir John Falstaff, and in that thought yield me.
FALSTAFF.
I have a whole school of tongues in this belly of mine, and not a tongue of them all speaks any other word but my name. An I had but a belly of any indifferency, I were simply the most active fellow in Europe. My womb, my womb, my womb undoes me. Here comes our general.
Enter Prince John of Lancaster, Westmoreland, Blunt, and others.
LANCASTER.
The heat is past; follow no further now.
Call in the powers, good cousin Westmoreland. ”

“ Ha, cousin Silence, that thou hadst seen that that this knight and I have seen! Ha, Sir John, said I well?
FALSTAFF.
We have heard the chimes at midnight, Master Shallow.
SHALLOW.
That we have, that we have, that we have; in faith, Sir John, we have. Our watchword was “Hem boys!” Come, let’s to dinner; come, let’s to dinner. Jesus, the days that we have seen! Come, come.
[Exeunt Falstaff, Shallow and Silence.]
BULLCALF.
Good Master Corporate Bardolph, stand my friend; and here’s four Harry ten shillings in French crowns for you. ”

“ You have, as it appears to me, practised upon the easy-yielding spirit of this woman, and made her serve your uses both in purse and in person.
HOSTESS.
Yea, in truth, my lord.
CHIEF JUSTICE.
Pray thee, peace. Pay her the debt you owe her, and unpay the villany you have done with her. The one you may do with sterling money, and the other with current repentance.
FALSTAFF.
My lord, I will not undergo this sneap without reply. You call honourable boldness impudent sauciness; if a man will make curtsy and say nothing, he is virtuous. ”

“ Thine by yea and no, which is as much as to say, as thou usest him—Jack Falstaff with my familiars, John with my brothers and sisters, and Sir John with all Europe.”
POINS.
My lord, I’ll steep this letter in sack and make him eat it.
PRINCE.
That’s to make him eat twenty of his words. But do you use me thus, Ned? Must I marry your sister?
POINS.
God send the wench no worse fortune! But I never said so.
PRINCE.
Well, thus we play the fools with the time, and the spirits of the wise sit in the clouds and mock us. Is your master here in London?
BARDOLPH.
Yea, my lord. ”

“ Away, you cut-purse rascal, you filthy bung, away! By this wine, I’ll thrust my knife in your mouldy chaps an you play the saucy cuttle with me. Away, you bottle-ale rascal, you basket-hilt stale juggler, you! Since when, I pray you, sir? God’s light, with two points on your shoulder? Much!
PISTOL.
God let me not live, but I will murder your ruff for this.
FALSTAFF.
No more, Pistol! I would not have you go off here. Discharge yourself of our company, Pistol.
HOSTESS.
No, good Captain Pistol, not here, sweet captain. ”