Clifford R. Adams

“ Why is the divorce rate rising at such an ominous rate? Admittedly there are deeper reasons than the war for the trend. Civilization, in becoming more complex, puts greater strains and stresses on marriage. Unhappy married couples are not held together as much as they used to be by fears inspired by hell-and-damnation religion. Our movies and soap operas present marriage in a fantastically unreal light. Finally, it seems that our standards for marriage happiness are now so low that people assume a couple is happy as long as the husband doesn’t beat his wife openly. ”

“ It is only by loving frankness and unashamed coöperation that husband and wife are able to achieve the beautiful harmony and the exquisite pleasure that only a satisfying sexual adjustment can bring them. ”

“ It is apt to be a blow to the husband’s sense of mastery of his own home if the bride decides that he can’t support her properly on his salary. It deprives the wife of the opportunity to win the husband’s affection and appreciation for her homemaking skill. Believe it or not, one very important appeal of marriage to a man is to have his favorite dishes home-cooked and waiting for him when he comes home from work. If the wife has a career, the couple usually ends up eating out or eating warmed-up delicatessen specials. ”

“ Frequently two people fall so madly in “love” soon after meeting that they feel they must marry immediately. This tendency is so well known that most marriage counselors rightfully question if a state of true love exists when the two people feel they will die if they don’t get married tomorrow or next week. Real love can wait. It can make sacrifices; it is not something that has to be rushed. The more urgent the desire to get married immediately, the greater the likelihood that it is infatuation and that the infatuation may die out as abruptly as it sprang into being. ”

“ In considering whether any particular person would be a good mate for you, ask yourself these seven questions, based on the psychological needs you will want to satisfy:
Will This Mate Bring You Social Approval? You will want a mate that other people will like, that other people will admire and respect. You thus need a mate who is adept at getting along with other people. Will your friends like him and will the mate’s friends like you? Will your parents think approvingly of the marriage? ”

“ Reflect about yourself, your friends, your activities, your responsibilities? Do you stop and ask yourself if you are selfish and inconsiderate? Do you sympathize with others, try to avoid saying things that may hurt somebody’s feelings? Do you build up people rather than tear down? Do you go out of your way to help others?
9. If you and your prospective mate are constantly quarreling, have you stopped asking whose fault it is and started doing your best to prevent conflicts? Unless you two people settle your problems by compromise and mutual give-and-take, your marriage future looks dark. ”

“ In most cases, we believe, it is wiser for the young couple not to tell each other things that may build resentment or distrust or may create hurt or may produce problems outweighing whatever might be gained through telling. Just because one becomes engaged is no reason why every skeleton must be rattled. The only thing that a couple should tell each other are things that would have a bearing on their future happiness in marriage. ”

“ When a man feels insecure in his job he is more likely to change jobs frequently, hoping to improve his tenure. This constant changing of not only jobs but the accompanying new neighborhoods and school systems for the family produce frayed nerves and many annoying problems. Loss of work, even though it is temporary, brings worry over where the next meal is coming from, brings in the possibility of public relief, lowers the man’s self-respect and may decrease his wife’s confidence in him as a worth-while husband and provider. ”

“ But do it intelligently, because the person who is a frequent job-jumper is not a good marriage risk.
Recently we talked to a man who is forty-four years of age. He had been divorced once, is now unhappily living with a second wife, wants to divorce her and marry a third woman. His job record shows that he has held thirty-nine different jobs in his life. Is it any wonder that he is unlikely to find happiness or stability in life? He does not know what he wants, can’t learn from experience, and is pursuing a will-o’-the-wisp. ”

“ For example, the girl may have temper tantrums in public, she may humiliate her escort by biting sarcasm or devastating scorn. Often her escort simply serves as a foil for her “brilliance” or good looks. She frightens her man away because he sees himself going through life as a planet in her orbit. Such a girl is not seeking a husband as such; what she wants is a background for her own personality. ”

“ We would advise couples rigorously to refrain from direct sexual stimulation and other below-the-shoulder petting until marriage is fairly imminent if they hope to abstain from intercourse before marriage. The excitation of such petting is apt to swirl a couple into complete intimacy despite their best intentions not to go that far.
We would not undertake to advise young people how far they should go in their petting, but feel that every young person—as a part of his or her personal philosophy of life—should decide just what his limits should be. ”

“ It is not merely on a moral basis that marriage counselors will warn you to shun the heavy drinker. As a husband or wife he’s a hard person to live with. And marriage rarely cures dipsomania or any other mania. So don’t think you can cure a fiancé or fiancée who habitually tipples.
The causes of drunkenness are not too well known but one thing is sure: the habitual use of alcohol is just a symptom of the person’s basic maladjustment to life, and not the cause of the maladjustment. In alcohol he forgets his problems, or imagines that he has found brilliant solutions for them. ”

“ Many people seem incapable of defining their problems. When they are faced with a frustrating situation, they frequently are unable to vary their attack upon it. When a girl can’t get her way she cries. Crying may bring her some reduction of tension, but it does not solve the problem. The emotionally mature person can keep his head, figure out something to do, but the immature person gives up or cries or gets drunk.
We have devoted so much more space to your emotional age than to the other four ages—physiological, mental, vocational and sexual—because it is so fundamental to marriage success. ”

“ A basic argument for marriage is that it offers a logical division of labor. Imagine how much more complicated and inconvenient life would be if men had to do their own cooking and sewing, and women—all women—had to compete with men for a livelihood! ”

“ A good many people resent the idea of an outsider telling them how they should pick a mate. They think it smacks of meddling. Marriage is something sacred and personal. It should not be done according to rules. We heartily sympathize.
Unfortunately, however, marriages are not made in Heaven. Usually people marry by hunch or impulse ... or because their parents think it is a good match ... or because they get themselves so deeply involved romantically that marrying seems the only proper thing to do.
Too frequently such methods merely mess up a couple of people’s lives. ”

“ Since the emotional person is intense and usually not too well adjusted, marriage may not prove too satisfactory. The trait of coolness or steadiness is much more crucial for men than for women. The happiest married men seem to be those who are steady and free of excess emotion. This enables them to be objective in their work. A girl should be wary of selecting a mate who is very emotional, who is too much interested in sex or who works in the movies or other work where there is a great deal of glamour and excitement. ”

“ Can you recognize that a man may be a fine person even though he is a Republican or a Democrat, that he is a good person even though he may be a Protestant or a Catholic? Do you honestly try to make decisions on the basis of facts rather than on the basis of feelings, or imaginary facts that are more agreeable to you? ”

“ You may find your feminine psychology rusty. Girls are still soft and sentimental, still wanting to be made love to, still wanting to marry and make homes and have your children. Don’t let the inhumanity of war make you cynical. Such an attitude would keep you from finding the mate with whom you can be happy.
Will you pick your mate or will she pick you? Because of the surplus of women over men now you can do the picking. You don’t have as much ground for wondering whether you will marry as the girls do. But will you pick your own mate? ”

“ Set up a confidential relationship with some other person. Telling your problems to another person helps you define the problem in your own mind, it furnishes relief from the tensions you have built up, and it brings another person’s point of view into the picture. One of the biggest single values in marriage is the fact that it provides husband and wife a confidant in each other, and gives them the confidential relationship that is so important to mental integration. ”

“ To ignore or fear sex is no more sensible than to ignore any of the other emotions you possess. Sexual desire is a natural desire. Without it your personality would become impoverished. Without it there would be few marriages. Without it there would be few children and few homes. Sex is nothing to be ashamed of or be whispered about.
You can have love without sex and sex without love but neither alone is very satisfying or enriching. For example many men are capable of sexual activity with women for whom they could find no pleasure in social associations. ”

“ Trait IV. If your score is fifty or more if you are a man, or one hundred or more if you are a girl, you would seem to be a frank, dependable person who makes few excuses and who tries to face reality and do a good job. A score of forty for a man and eighty for a girl are average. If you are a man and have a score of thirty or less or are a girl and have a score of sixty or less, you tend to blame your mistakes on others, may shirk your responsibilities, exaggerate and daydream too much. ”

“ Your ability to fall in love depends for the most part on your own previous experience as far back as childhood. In the beginning, for example, your mother met all your needs. Every time you cried your mother rushed to you, to feed you, to give you a drink, to change your diaper or to remove a pin that was sticking in you. Gradually in your mind the mother becomes associated with everything pleasant, with eating, the relief of thirst, the elimination of pain. You probably became attached to her with a depth of love and affection that lasted for many years. ”

“ On the other side—the reasons why complete intimacy is ill-advised before marriage—we have first of all the fact that society frowns on such intimacy. Even though the practice is widespread it is still illicit love, with all the psychological problems it involves. The idea that the bride and groom be virgins at the start of their marriage is the product of the experience of most civilized peoples. That in itself should mean something. Undisciplined sexual expression has always been found to be destructive to the social group that permits it to take place. ”

“ We know of young men today who would seem to be excellent prospects for mates—and they actually favor the idea of marrying—but we would be willing to predict that they will be bachelors. They are too fussy. They find something in every girl they go with that does not conform to their idea of an ideal mate.
How do we come by our ideals for mates? During adolescence and childhood both boys and girls form in their mind some kind of a “dream hero or heroine,” a sort of “phantom lover.” He or she is a composite of all the qualifications they want their future mate to have. ”

“ The Man Who is Not Proud of His Job. Social prestige of an occupation is an intangible factor that nevertheless has a great deal to do with marital happiness. A man is more likely to work out a happy marriage when he is engaged in work that is approved and respected by the community. If the man is a gravedigger or bill collector or dogcatcher the wife, and particularly the children, may be sensitive about the lack of prestige involved. If such a marriage is to succeed, the wife must realize that her man is performing an essential function in the community. ”

“ Often what we want in a mate is based upon our wants at the moment rather than upon basic or long-range needs. A couple in their early twenties may insist that each be a good dancer as one of the main qualifications for marriage. They dance so much that dancing looms large in their life. But ten years from now, when they will probably dance only a few times a year, it may be an unessential qualification while the ability to manage finances may add to the total family income and help weather a serious depression. ”