George Yellott

“ Have you never observed, oh, most sagacious Thomas, that no pretty woman ever had an adorer without wishing to torment him with a rival? And is it not a singular fact that she usually selects some male animal to occupy that position who is in every respect the inferior of the worthy man whom she is endeavoring to drive to distraction? Does she not take every occasion to inflate the vanity of him whom she cares nothing about, and to humiliate the man whom she really loves? Now, there are Claribel Carrington and Imogen Hazlewood,—they are both pretty women. ”

“ But don't interrupt me, Tom, now I am on the subject of ghosts. Among the manifest advantages of being a ghost is one which above all others is deserving of especial consideration. A ghost can see a person's thoughts. Being fond of sweet things, ghosts experience great pleasure in watching the thoughts of ladies who are meditating upon their absent lovers. When a young maiden is thinking about her lover who is far away, her thoughts wander off to him and return, looking as sweet as little bees with their legs laden with honey leaving a field of fragrant clover and coming home to the hive. ”

“ Belton?"
"Broad-axes," said Toney.
"What?" exclaimed Wiggins.
"Broad-axes," reiterated Toney.
"What?" said Wiggins, in a tremulous tone.
"Broad-axes!" shouted Toney, with the lungs of a Stentor.
"Broad-axes!" repeated Wiggins, with a pallid cheek. "Mr. Belton, you do not mean to say that Captain Bragg expects Mr. Botts to fight him with a broad-axe!"
"Why not, sir? Why not? When a man fights a duel is it not his object to kill his antagonist? And are not broad-axes as efficient as any weapon for the purpose?"
"But, Mr. Belton, a broad-axe is an unusual, a barbarous weapon." ”

“ As the melancholy procession descended the stairway, from numerous doors opening into the corridor issued lovely young ladies, who hurried to the upper landing, where was soon assembled a galaxy of beauty gazing after Love, Dove, and Bliss, who were taking their departure. As the daintily-dressed little beaus went forth into the street, the bevy of beauties descended the stairway and assembled on the veranda, where they continued to gaze down the avenue until Hannibal, who led the advance, turned a corner, and then, in a moment, Love, Dove, and Bliss were hidden from their view. ”

“ In great excitement he arose from the bed, and with the floor rocking and rolling so that he could hardly stand on his feet, he staggered to the table, and, seizing the bottle, swallowed its contents. With a revolving motion he then reached the bed, sank down, and was soon in a state of profound insensibility.
While the Long Green Boy thus lay in a stupor, M. T. Pate entered the apartment. He endeavored to awaken the sleeper, but found it impossible to do so, and seeing a letter on the table addressed to himself, he opened it, and then, with a loud exclamation of horror, rushed from the room. ”

“ Your extraordinary discovery would entitle you to the honors of knighthood, and we might read of a Sir Anthony Belton as well as of a Sir Isaac Newton. But how will you demonstrate to the world that there is no such thing as the attraction of gravitation?"
"Demonstrate it, Tom Seddon! Why, I can make it as plain as the proboscis on the countenance of an elephant."
"Do you mean to say that bodies do not fall to the earth by the power of attraction?"
"That is precisely what I mean. I assert that a heavy body may fall upward as well as downward." ”

“ Botts advanced towards Wiggins, who retreated a step, and then stood his ground and took the proffered hand.
"Thank God," said Pate, "there will be no duel!"
"Crazy men are not allowed to fight duels," said the landlord.
"Gentlemen," said Botts, "I call you to witness that it was all my fault. I beg Mr. Wiggins's pardon."
"It is granted," said Wiggins.
"And now, gentlemen," said Botts, "be so good as to leave us to ourselves. You see it is all made up, and we are the best friends in the world." ”

“ Pate is not more remarkable for his extraordinary genius than for the vast quantity of the milk of human kindness which he has in his composition. It was the activity and originality of his mind, controlled by the benevolence of his disposition, which caused him to become the founder of a secret order, which will some day make his name illustrious in the annals of the benefactors of the human race. ”

“ Botts stood glaring at the negroes like a ferocious wild beast. His ugly visage became absolutely frightful. Lifting up his cane, he suddenly charged on Cæsar, who dropped the trunk he was carrying and fled with precipitation, followed by Scipio and Hannibal. Botts followed the fugitives, bellowing out oaths and brandishing his cane until they reached the hotel, when they darted into the basement-story, and hid themselves in some place of refuge. ”

“ And soon, with pallid cheeks, M. T. Pate appeared, followed by the Long Green Boy, Old Grizzly, and Moses, who, with many others, silently glided to the side of the giant, who, as he stood thrusting out his head and neck with certain indescribable jerks, and towering above his companions, engaged in similar exercises, resembled some tall and bulky Shanghai rooster, with all his numerous progeny around him, grievously afflicted with that terrible visitation of the poultry-yard which hen-wives denominate the gapes. ”

“ Tom Seddon brought up the rear.
On went the doctors in their war-chariot, each dealing blows at his antagonist, and shouting and swearing in utter unconsciousness of the surroundings! On rode the gallant captain at the head of his company! On galloped Tom Seddon in the rear! Over a hill and down a descent they rushed at a terrific rate! On the top of the next hill stood a toll-gate. The keeper, seeing a horse running at full speed with a vehicle, closed the gate and stopped his career. "Halt!" shouted the captain. "Halt! halt!" cried the lieutenants. ”

“ Pate looked around, and then leaped from the stump and fled through the wood with the speed of a frightened antelope.
"Stop! stop! Halt! halt!" cried Toney and Tom.
The men halted, and coming towards them, were recognized as two laborers employed on the Widow Wild's estate.
"What were you going to do?" asked Toney.
"Give that fellow a good beating," said one of the men.
"What has he been doing?" inquired Tom.
"He comes here every day and gets on that stump, and abuses the Widow Wild, who is as nice a woman as a man ever worked for, and we won't stand it! ”

“ Thither he went, and in an arbor beheld a sight which convinced him that the beautiful Imogen had a heart. He hastily retired, and determined to go to the Mexican war, and march for the Halls of the Montezumas.
What spectacle was it that caused such warlike emotions in the bosom of Harry Vincent? Why was he so suddenly impelled to march under the star-spangled banner against Santa Anna and his legions, in the valley of Mexico?
Oh, women! women! pretty doves or pigeons!
How many men for you their weapons clutch! ”

“ He can stand with his bare feet on the tip of the North Pole without danger to his ten toes from the frost, and he can then by mere volition instantaneously transfer himself to the tropics, where, as Captain Bragg has informed me, the milk of the cocoanut almost scalds a monkey's mouth at mid-day, and at either place the temperature is just as agreeable to a ghost. A ghost can slip down his neighbor's chimney and peep into his pot and see what he is going to have for his dinner. ”

“ She smiled very pleasantly on her uncomely admirer and never once looked at Clarence Hastings.
"Just as I told you," said Toney. "Hostilities have already commenced. Look at Clarence Hastings yonder! [Pg 12] He has a small thunder-cloud on his brow, and is directing the lightning from his eyes in incessant flashes at the cruel Claribel."
"I was observing him," said Seddon. "What is the matter with the man? He looks as if he were meditating homicide, or suicide, or something of the sort. What has Claribel done to him?" ”

“ All his martial enthusiasm had been suddenly quenched. 'No sound could awake him to glory again,' and for the space of one whole hour he indignantly refused to eat even gingerbread."
"I can sympathize with poor Bonaparte," said the Professor, "for I was once the unhappy victim of a similar misfortune in days gone by, when I was not much taller than a gooseberry-bush. I had been diligently perusing that good old book, the Pilgrim's Progress, and under the delusion that I was the valiant Great-heart, I assaulted an urchin who was supposed to be Giant Despair. ”

“ Harry Vincent had discovered that the poets in all ages had used the word in their verses, and supposed that most women had a heart, but was afraid that Imogen had grown up in magnificent beauty without ever having had one deposited by nature in her bosom. After much meditation, he determined to ascertain if he was not mistaken, and in the afternoon of the very day on which the valiant Captain Bragg had been expelled from the hotel by the indignant landlord, he proceeded to the mansion of Colonel Hazlewood and inquired for Imogen. ”

“ A score of startled passengers leaped hurriedly up, and rushing forward beheld the catastrophe. Hercules had pitched headforemost from his hammock, and precipitating himself first on the sea-chest, had rolled over, and covered with his huge body the prostrated forms of Old Grizzly and M. T. Pate. ”

“ I have been credibly informed that a certain young lawyer, who answers to the name of Toney Belton, and who seldom deigns to look at any other woman, is wonderfully enchanted and woefully bewitched by the lovely Rosabel Wild. ”

“ A mischievous dog had assaulted an aged sow of monstrous proportions, which was quietly rooting in the street, and the affrighted porker frantically rushed between the legs of the beau and galloped off with him on her back. Love was half paralyzed with terror. He fell forward on the back of the sow and convulsively grasped her by the ears. The ladies fled screaming toward the hotel, while Dove and Bliss stood petrified with astonishment. Toney, Tom, and the Professor ran at full speed after Love, who was rapidly galloping away on the back of his courser. ”

“ But where is Botts?"
"In his room," said Wiggins.
"I'll break every bone in his body!" said the landlord.
"What?" said Wiggins.
"I'll pound his worthless carcass to a jelly!" And he started toward the door.
"Hold!" cried Wiggins. "Are you not a gentleman? If not, in behalf of my principal I now withdraw the challenge."
"Who is your principal?" exclaimed the landlord. "A man who comes into my house to turn it upside down! Gets into a muss with a monkey as soon as he arrives! Pretends he wants to fight Captain Bragg and then hides himself like a white-livered poltroon in the bottom of a well! ”

“ The ship was running at the rate of nine knots, with the wind on the quarter.
"He treads as tremulously as a turkey condemned to the ordeal of tripping over a liberal sprinkling of hot ashes," said the Professor.
"Getting his sea-legs," said Old Tim, as he toddled by with a rope in his hand.
"Our venerable friend suggests that Pate is about to undergo a metamorphosis and become amphibious," said the Professor.
"What are Wiggins and Botts doing yonder?" said Toney.
"Hugging!" said Tom.
"The hug of the Old Grizzly is dangerous," said the Professor. ”

“ But no historian ever makes a record of the wisdom which proceeds from the mouths of babes and sucklings; and when we behold the learned and illustrious man swaying mighty masses by his eloquence, or dignifying and adorning the bench, imagination finds it difficult to travel back and discover him in the cradle, so puny and insignificant that the portly old crier of the court could have enveloped him in his handkerchief, like a bit of bread or cheese, and stowed him in the capacious pocket of his overcoat. ”