Adam Ferguson

“ If any of my people are afraid of a gun, so much the more shame to them and to me; it is the very thing I want to correct, by using them a little to what may be necessary for their own defence and mine.”
[Pg 72]
“Worse and worse,” says the nurse: “if you use them to guns, you’ll never get them to work a jot; and banishing the trade is worse than banishing the men.”
“A tenfold madness has seized your pericranium,” says John; “do you think that nobody can make broad cloth but cowards; or that a fellow won’t work, because he knows he can defend the fruits of his labour? ”

“ Did we resolve to try what the utmost corruption could do, to debase, to sink and destroy a race of men, a more ingenious contrivance could not be found than this we are disposed to follow.
It is the business of one man, it seems, to think of nothing but quarrels and violence; to another, it is not even permitted to defend himself. ”

“ It seems, we are sure, the game-keeper, at least, will be always in the right, since we are for keeping him perpetually armed, and for rendering all the rest as tame and helpless as possible, that he may have the less trouble, or find them ready subdued to his hand. Or do those who alarm us with the fear of domestic quarrels, pretend that the game-keeper will never quarrel with any body? I would gladly avoid this subject, but the question is forced upon us. I honour the profession of which I speak, and would often in my life have gladly embraced it. ”

“ People must have their vails and their perquisites. Many a time has Sir Thomas obliged his friend with a game-keeper’s place or so; and consider with yourself, that if John continues to do any part of that business himself, what numbers, not only of game-keepers, foresters and whippers-in, but even weavers, taylors, smiths, accountants, bakers, tanners, and shoe-makers, will forget the way to Sir Thomas’s closet, and never think more of Hubble-bubble, or your humble servant. And then the management of Rousterdivel’s affairs when he was brought over, was an excellent thing ”

“ From this source, say they, your store-houses and your granaries are filled: let them tell us then from what [Pg 178] source the defence of our stores are to proceed? Will our wealth deter a rapacious enemy? Are the eagles intimidated, when they are told that the doves are fatter than they? No; but our wealth will hire a protector. Who then will defend us against the protector whom we have hired? Is the gripe of a rapacious hireling less to be feared, than that of a rival at the gate? But our wealth, we are told, will enable us to maintain a large and a numerous family. ”

“ He saw a good many of his people ready to stand by him, and the blood returned to his face; the game-keepers were all brought into the yard; and the nurse herself was then glad to see as many of John’s people in arms as possible; the watermen were sent out in the barge to meet Lewis Baboon; and John, in short, passed the night, as easily as could be expected of a man in his situation.
It is an old saying, Every man for himself, and God for us all. John in his hurry, barricading his doors, and posting his people, forgot his sister Margaret altogether. ”

“ For you must know that the game-keepers were very angry, and treated John Bull as little better than a poacher, for pretending to keep a gun in his own house.
He told Mrs. Bull that her husband and his family were mere aukward lubbers, who never could get the strut nor the air of a game keeper to the end of the world; that a man could not fight unless he gave his whole time to it; and that unless a man could fight to purpose, he had better not fight at all. ”

“ The flower and choice of our young men, croud into the profession of which I speak: for what station is more desireable to a man of spirit, than one in which he can exert the native vigor of his mind, and stand in the light of a protection and defence to his father’s house? ”

“ As my people are useful to me, and to themselves, I intend that they shall work in safety, and that nobody shall insult an honest tradesman of mine, whilst they and I have breath in our bodies. Do what you will, you shall never get me disgraced as you have done, with your idle jaw and nonsensical trash.”
“Bless me,” says the nurse, “what a wild project you have got in your head! You’ll tell me you want to defend your house and your estate; but to what purpose keep your estate, if you cannot find time, so much as to eat a bit of warm victuals ”

“ If a partial distribution of arms in your own family alarmed you, as it must do every man of common reason, what must I think? the only person to whom the means of self-defence are denied, whilst I am surrounded on every hand, by those who carry a badge of superiority, more certain than scepters or empty pageantry. ”

“ Accordingly, she lost no time in the morning, but went straight to the parlour, where she found John as busy as ever, talking about the orders he was to give in his house: and having told him her dream, earnestly beseeched him to tell her, whether he had any such intention, with relation to the weavers; for she thought that a person, who had ceased to be guided by her, would stick at nothing.
“The woman is crazy,” says John: “I am only thinking how I may best secure the peace and welfare of my family, and how to keep off rogues; and you ask me, if I am to banish my weavers? ”

“ With respect to the interruption of work, it must be allowed, that nobody can possibly work less than a game-keeper. To have so many people idle in succession, or the same number of individuals idle for their whole lives, appears to me precisely the same thing, with this only difference, that a game-keeper is idle, whether there be occasion to employ him in his profession or no, the other is not. ”

“ I tell you what, says John, if Lewis Baboon had a thousand Cracket-islands of mine, and that he would give me them all for asking his pardon, I would not do it. He is a vile, over-reaching, undermining, treacherous rogue, and there never will be any peace in the neighbourhood, as long as that fair-tongued rascal is out of his grave. Let him come out in his barge again, and I shall meet him; but I know the rascal, he has perpetually some bad design in his head, and when he is found out, he will bow and scrape, and make compliments ”

“ We educate a few only to the use of arms; them, indeed, we endeavour to inspire with courage and a contempt of danger, but we endeavour at the same time, by throwing them into a separate way of life, to weaken their connection with the family, and to stifle the sentiments of filial tenderness and respect, under the load of artificial subordinations, to which they are bound for life. ”

“ All the world knows how long their affairs remained in confusion, merely because they would not employ the same attorney, and what an aversion they had to trust their affairs in common to any single person. Peg would say, “I’ll have nothing to do with John’s lawyers; whoever I employ must mind nobody’s affairs but mine. I have as good a right to be served as he; and if he pays more than I do, let it be for services done to [Pg 4] himself, not for cheating me.” John again would swagger and swear, and said, that whoever Peg employed, must be a dirty lousy fellow ”

“ But I find people of very solemn authority, who tell us that it is dangerous to trust the youth of a family with arms. That besides quarrelling among themselves, they will fly in the face of every body else. That they may even drag your ladyship off that couch where you sit, and kick us your clerks down stairs. ”

“ Lewis Baboon was grown from a spruce forward gallant, a mere priest-ridden, whore-ridden, flimsey periwig-making old fool. Lord Strutt could never be got out of his bed before eleven o’clock in the morning; and Nicholas Frog would rather have taken ready money for a farthing-candle, than see his best friend return from the grave. One stout man could have chaced a hundred of them into the sea, and yet these damned fellows contrived [Pg 29] to be very troublesome for all that, by means of a device of which the devil himself was certainly the author. ”

“ This family has been for some time in the practice of committing their defence intirely to a certain class of people, whom they call game-keepers. Those are the only persons about the house, supposed to know any thing at all of the use of arms; they are set apart from the rest of the family, and by their manner of life, are made to shake off all connection with them as much as possible; and this, I suppose, that they may be at all times ready to go any where, or do any thing that their profession may require, without any regret of their own, or incumbrance from other people. ”

“ In all this hurry-scurry, the nurse and Hubble bubble were laughing in their sleeves; they saw their own game played to better purpose, than ever they durst venture to play it. Sir Thomas and [Pg 96] they got the fingering of more money than ever they had seen before in their lives, and they might lay it out where they pleased, so they let Jowler have the honour of the treat: whilst in the mean time they saw no necessity of taking the arms out of the cellar, and they hoped, that John would soon forget all that he ever said upon the subject. ”

“ I implore, beseech, and intreat, says he, that you would not push any such line across our house; let us all be treated alike, and if there be any of us who are not in danger of being molested, or others who are [Pg 170] not fit to carry arms, let us all be refused them together, that nobody’s mind may be ruffled, nor any heart-burnings be left, but those which do or may subsist between John Bull himself and his worthy sister Margaret; they have been used to more dust than any can raise between them, and can bear it all. ”

“ Bumbo, that a person’s influence in any family, depends on the number of good things he has to give; you must have caps, ribbons and petticoats for the maids, sugar-plumbs for the children, and luncheons for the clerks, and be able to help a footman now and then out of livery, otherwise they will not give an old song for you; and Sir [Pg 139] Thomas has found plenty about John’s house, otherwise Mrs. Bull and he would not be so good friends as they are. ”

“ She had even the mortification to see some of the worst of them come home, from John’s counting-room, with directions to keep the keys of her cellar and pantry, and deal out the victuals to her children; in doing which, they had a wonderful jargon, which nobody could understand, but which had a strange effect in benumning and stupifying all their hearers. They talked perpetually of the people above, the great folks, or the people in power ”

“ We have heard from many the praise of industry, as if any body were inclined to dispute that praise. We have heard at large, the advantages of wealth, as if wealth and industry were inconsistent with the measure for which we contend. ”

“ But let not so wise a measure be partially pursued; let not one part of your race be doomed to baseness and servility, whilst the other is formed to elevation and honour. One rotten member is sometimes found to spread corruption over the whole, and a lurking humour in one corner, to destroy the soundest constitution. ”

“ A Geoffrite was his favourite topic to speak upon; but whether it was to show his sagacity in finding out what escaped [Pg 127] other people, or merely because he had never seen any body paid for finding out Thomists, it is certain, that for one Thomist, he would point you out a dozen of Geoffrites; and you would be surprized, how the devil Sir Thomas got into the management of John Bull’s or sister Peg’s business at all, as Bumbo certainly was not in the way to help him to it. ”

“ But in the mean time, nobody could tell what was become of John, and all his watermen; whilst Lewis Baboon went vapouring about every where, and did what he pleased. He drove John’s cattle out of Cracket-Island, and took possession of it; although John used to think that nobody could ever dispute islands with him, so ready was he with his barge to relieve them: but the truth upon this occasion was, that John had got into one of these pannics we have mentioned, had applied to Nicholas Frog to no purpose, and actually brought over Rousterdivel, to protect him. ”

“ John and Margaret have lived so much better, since they came to employ the same lawyer, that it is a pity they should ever be in danger of parting their affairs. The lands of Bull-hall and Thistle-down were never intended for two farms, the same hedge and ditch surround them, and whilst they continue [Pg 12] in one, they may be kept with half the looking after; for nobody can be half so troublesome to either family, as they have formerly been to one another. ”

“ At last one great dolt of a fellow, called Bumbo, made a shift to get a round dozen of them on his fingers ends, with which he never failed to entertain John Bull as often as he met him.
The sequel of all this spite to their mother, was a great deal of kindness to John Bull. Leave matters to us, said they, we shall take care that so worthy a [Pg 44] man shall not be imposed upon; you should always have some of us about your own person, and give us some decent employment, that no body may suspect the design of our being here ”