Jonathan Swift

“ Miss. Well, Mr. Neverout, take it as you please; but I swear, you are a saucy Jack, to use such Expressions.
Neverout. Why, then, Miss, if you go to that, I must tell you, there’s ne’er a Jack but there’s a Jill.
Miss. Oh! Mr. Neverout; every body knows that you are the Pink of Courtesy.
Neverout. And, Miss, all the World allows, that you are the Flower of Civility.
Lady Smart. Miss, I hear there was a great deal of Company where you visited last Night: Pray, who were they?
Miss. Why, there was old Lady Forward, Miss To-and-again, Sir John Ogle, my Lady Clapper, and I, quoth the Dog. ”

“ Sir John. Truly, my Lord, I think of it as little as I can.
Lady Smart [putting a Scewer on a Plate.] Here, take this Scewer, and carry it down to the Cook, to dress it for her own Dinner.
Neverout. I beg your Ladyship’s Pardon; but this Small Beer is dead.
Lady Smart. Why, then, let it be bury’d.
Col. This is admirable Black Pudden: Miss, shall I carve you some? I can just carve Pudden, and that’s all; I am the worst Carver in the World; I should never make a good Chaplain.
Miss. No, thank ye, Colonel; for they say, those that eat Black Pudden will dream of the Devil. ”

“ Sparkish. Why, by Chance, as the Man kill’d the Devil.
Neverout. Why, Miss, you are in a brown Study; What’s the Matter? Methinks you look like Mum-Chance, that was hang’d for saying nothing.
Miss. I’d have you to know, I scorn your Words.
Neverout. Well; but scornful Dogs will eat dirty Puddings.
Miss. Well; my Comfort is, your Tongue is no Slander. What! you would not have one be always on the high Grin. ”

“ As to my self, I am proud to own, that except some Smattering in the French, I am what the Pedants and Scholars call, a Man wholly illiterate, that is to say, unlearned. But, as to my own Language, I shall not readily yield to many Persons: I have read most of the Plays, and all the miscellany Poems that have been published for twenty Years past. I have read Mr. Thomas Brown’s Works entire, and had the Honour to be his intimate Friend, who was universally allowed to be the greatest Genius of his Age. ”

“ Methinks, Miss, I don’t much like the Colour of that Ribbon.
Miss. Why then, Mr. Neverout, do you see, if you don’t much like it, you may look off of it.
Ld. Sparkish. I don’t doubt, Madam, but your Ladyship has heard, that Sir John Brisk has got an Employment at Court.
[71]
Lady Smart. Yes, yes; and I warrant, he thinks himself no small Fool now.
Neverout. Yet, Madam, I have heard some People take him for a wise Man.
Lady Smart. Ay, ay; some are wise, and some are other-wise. ”

“ Footman comes in.
Lady Smart. Here, take away the Tea-table, and bring up Candles.
Lady Answ. O Madam, no Candles yet, I beseech you; don’t let us burn Day-Light.
Neverout. I dare swear, Miss, for her Part, will never burn Day-Light, if she can help it.
Miss. Lord, Mr. Neverout, one can’t hear one’s own Ears for you.
Lady Smart. Indeed, Madam, it is Blind-Man’s Holiday; we shall soon be all of a Colour. ”

“ Miss. I wish, I could see the Colonel in Love, till he was ready to die.
[121]
Lady Smart. Ay; but I doubt, few People die for Love in these days.
Neverout. Well, I confess, I differ from the Colonel; for I hope to have a rich and a handsome Wife yet before I die.
Col. Ay, Tom; live Horse, and thou shalt have Grass.
Miss. Well, Colonel; but whatever you say against Women, they are better Creatures than Men; for Men were made of Clay, but Woman was made of Man.
Col. Miss, you may say what you please; but, faith, you’ll never lead Apes in Hell. ”

“ Lady Smart. Colonel, Where are you going so soon? I hope you did not come to fetch Fire.
Col. Madam, I must needs go Home for half an Hour.
Miss. Why, Colonel, they say, the Devil’s at Home.
Lady Answerall. Well, but sit while you stay; ’tis as cheap sitting as standing.
Col. No, Madam; while I’m standing I’m going.
Miss. Nay, let him go; I promise him, we won’t tear his Cloaths to hold him.
Lady Smart. I suppose, Colonel, we keep you from better Company; I mean only as to myself. ”

“ Lady Smart. Mr. Neverout, you have overturn’d the Salt, and that’s a Sign of Anger: I’m afraid, Miss and You will fall out.
Lady Answ. No, no; throw a little of it into the Fire, and all will be well.
Neverout. O Madam, the falling out of Lovers, you know.
Miss. Lovers! very fine! fall out with Him! I wonder when we were in!
Sir John. For my Part, I believe, the young Gentlewoman is his Sweetheart; there’s so much Fooling and Fidling betwixt them: I’m sure, they say in our Country, that — — — is the Beginning of Love.
Miss. I own, I love Mr. Neverout, as the Devil loves Holy Water ”

“ Well, but, after all, Tom, can you tell me what’s Latin for a Goose.
Neverout. O my Lord, I know that; why Brandy is Latin for a Goose, and Tace is Latin for a Candle.
Miss. Is that Manners, to shew your Learning before Ladies? Methinks you are grown very brisk of a sudden; I think the Man’s glad he’s alive.
Sir John. The Devil take your Wit, if this be Wit; for it spoils Company: Pray, Mr. Butler, bring me a Dram after my Goose; ’tis very good for the Wholsoms.
Ld. Smart. Come, bring me the Loaf; I sometimes love to cut my own Bread.
Miss. I suppose, my Lord, you lay longest a Bed To-day. ”

“ Lady Smart. Why, my Lord, it was drawn for me.
Ld. Sparkish. I’ll swear, the Painter did not flatter your Ladyship.
Col. My Lord, the Day is finely clear’d up.
Ld. Smart. Ay, Colonel; ’tis a pity that fair Weather should ever do any Harm. [To Neverout.] Why, Tom, you are high in the Mode.
Neverout. My Lord, it is better be out of the World, than out of the Fashion.
Ld. Smart. But, Tom, I hear, You and Miss are always quarrelling; I fear, it is your Fault; for I can assure you, she is very good-humour’d.
Neverout. Ay, my Lord; so is the Devil when he’s pleas’d. ”

“ Neverout, hold your Tongue for once, if it be possible; one would think, you were a Woman in Man’s Cloaths, by your prating.
Neverout. No, Miss; it is not handsome to see one hold one’s Tongue: Besides, I should slobber my Fingers. ”

“ The only Invention of late Years, which hath any way contributed towards Politeness in Discourse, is that of abbreviating or reducing Words of many Syllables into one, by lopping off the rest. This Refinement, having begun about the Time of the Revolution, I had some Share in the Honour of promoting it, and I observe, to my great Satisfaction, that it makes daily Advancements, and I hope in Time will raise our Language to the utmost Perfection; although, I must confess, to avoid Obscurity, I have been very sparing of this Ornament in the following Dialogues. ”

“ How agreeable it would have been to hire the always available villains, overcome those footmen, put Miss in a coach and six, and secure the services of the also always available parson, regardless of the feelings of my mamma and of the swords of Tom and the Colonel, though not of Miss’s own goodwill! For I should not envy anyone who had tried to play otherwise than on the square with Miss Notable.
For Mr. Wagstaff’s hero I have, as no [xvii] doubt is natural, by no means as much admiration as for his “heroin.” ”

“ It is not a contrast between the old and the new, but, in the first place, between the perennial and the temporary, and in the second between two kinds of humour which, to do them justice, are both perennial enough—the humour which is quiet, subtle, abstracted, independent of catchwords and cant phrases, and the humour which is broad, loud, gesticulative, and prone to rely upon cant phrases and catchwords. Swift has illustrated the two in the two parts of this astonishing book, and whoso looks into the matter a little narrowly will have no difficulty in finding this out. ”

“ That it is not so easy an Acquirement as a few ignorant Pretenders may imagine. A Footman can swear; but he cannot swear like a Lord. He can swear as often: But, can he swear with equal Delicacy, Propriety, and Judgment? No, certainly; unless he be a Lad of superior Parts, of good Memory, a diligent Observer; one who hath a skilful Ear, some Knowledge in Musick, and an exact Taste, which hardly fall to the Share of one in a thousand among that Fraternity, in as high Favour as they now stand with their Ladies ”

“ Madam, I don’t like that Part of the Veal you sent me.
Lady Answ. Well, Mr. Neverout, I find you are a true Englishman; you never know when you are well.
Col. Well, I have made my whole Dinner of Beef. ”

“ The very “scandal-mongering” has nothing of the ferocity of the “Plain Dealer” long before, and the “School for Scandal” long after it; the excellent Ladies Smart and Answerall tear their neighbours’ characters to pieces with much relish but [xiv] with no malignity. The former, for all her cut-and-dried phrases, is an excellently hospitable hostess, and “her own lord” is as different as possible from the brutal heroes of Restoration comedy, and from the yawning sour-blooded rakes of quality whom a later generation of painters in words and colours were to portray. ”

“ Sparkish. Have Patience. Tom, is your Friend Ned Rattle marry’d?
Neverout. Yes, faith, my Lord; he has tied a Knot with his Tongue, that he can never untie with his Teeth.
Lady Smart. Ay; marry in Haste, and repent at Leisure.
Lady Answ. Has he got a good Fortune with his Lady? for they say, Something has some Savour, but Nothing has no Flavour.
Neverout. Faith, Madam, all he gets by her, he may put into his Eye, and see never the worse.
Miss. Then, I believe, he heartily wishes her in Abraham’s Bosom.
Col. Pray, my Lord, how does Charles Limber and his fine Wife agree? ”

“ Lady Smart. Come, get ready my Things. Where has the Wench been these Three Hours?
Betty. Madam, I can’t go faster than my Legs will carry me.
Lady Smart. Ay, thou hast a Head, and so has a Pin. But, my Lord, all the Town has it, that Miss Caper is to be married to Sir Peter Giball; one thing is certain, that she hath promis’d to have him.
Ld. Sparkish. Why, Madam, you know Promises are either broken or kept.
Lady Answ. I beg your Pardon, my Lord; Promises and Pye-crust are made to be broken.
Lady Smart. ”

“ Perhaps, as one is always fain to persuade oneself in such cases, a distinct quality of palate is required to taste, as well as a distinct power of genius to brew it. It is certain that though there are some in all times who relish this kind of humour (and this is what gives it its supremacy, for examples of the other kind are, at other than their own times, frequently not relished by anybody) , they are not often found in large numbers. The liquor is too dry for many tastes; it has too little froth, if not too little sparkle for others. ”

“ Lady Smart. Come, Sir John, do nothing rashly; let us drink first.
Ld. Sparkish. I know Sir John will go, tho’ he was sure it would rain Cats and Dogs: But pray, stay, Sir John; you’ll be time enough to go to Bed by Candle-light.
Ld. Smart. Why, Sir John, if you must needs go; while you stay, make good Use of your Time: Here’s my Service to you, a Health to our Friends in Darbyshire: Come, sit down; let us put off the evil Hour as long as we can.
Sir John. Faith, I could not drink a Drop more, if the House was full.
Col. Why, Sir John, you used to love a Glass of good Wine in former Times. ”

“ Miss. Well, remember this, Colonel, when I have Money, and you have none.
Lady Smart. But, Colonel, when do you design to get a House, and a Wife, and a Fire to put her in?
Miss. Lord! who would be marry’d to a Soldier, and carry his Knapsack?
Neverout. Oh! Madam: Mars and Venus, you know.
Col. Egad, Madam, I’d marry To-morrow, [119] if I thought I could bury my Wife just when the Honey-Moon is over; but they say, A Woman has as many Lives as a Cat.
Lady Answ. I find, the Colonel thinks, a dead Wife under the Table is the best Goods in a Man’s House.
Lady Smart. ”

“ Miss. I’m sure you’ll be glad to be welcome.
Col. Miss, I thank you; and, to reward [183] You, I’ll come and drink Tea with you in the Morning.
Miss. Colonel, there’s Two Words to that Bargain.
Col. [to Lady Smart.] Your Ladyship has a very fine Watch; well may you wear it.
Lady Smart. It is none of mine, Colonel.
Col. Pray, whose is it then?
Lady Smart. Why, ’tis my Lord’s; for they say, a marry’d Woman has nothing of her own, but her Wedding-Ring and her Hair-Lace: But if Women had been the Law-Makers, it would have been better. ”

“ Miss. Fie, Mr. Neverout, ar’n’t you asham’d! I beg Pardon for the Expression, but I’m afraid, your Bosom-friends are become your Back-biters.
Neverout. Well, Miss, I saw a Flea once on your Pinner, and a L—— is a Man’s Companion, but a Flea is a Dog’s [95] Companion: However, I wish, you would scratch my Neck with your pretty white Hand.
Miss. And who would be Fool then? I wou’dn’t touch a Man’s Flesh for the Universe: You have the wrong Sow by the Ear, I assure you! that’s Meat for your Master.
Neverout. Miss Notable, all Quarrels laid aside, pray, step hither for a Moment. ”

“ It is never unequal; it never flags; it never forces the note. Nobody, if he likes it at all, can think it too long; nobody, however much he may like it, can fail to see that Swift was wise not to make it longer. One of its charms is the complete variation between the introduction and the dialogues themselves. ”

“ Lady Smart. Miss, shall I send you some Cowcomber?
Miss. Madam, I dare not touch it; for they say, Cowcombers are cold in the third Degree.
Lady Smart. Mr. Neverout, do you love Pudden?
Neverout. Madam, I’m like all Fools, I love every thing that is good; but the Proof of the Pudden is in the Eating.
Col. Sir John, I hear you are a great Walker when you are at Home.
Sir John. No, faith, Colonel; I always love to walk with a Horse in my Hand: But I have had devilish bad Luck in Horse-flesh of late.
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Ld. Smart. Why then, Sir John, you must kiss a Parson’s Wife.
Lady Smart. ”

“ The Flowers of Wit, Fancy, Wisdom, Humour, and Politeness, scattered in this Volume, amount to one thousand, seventy and four. Allowing then to every Gentleman and Lady thirty visiting Families, (not insisting upon Fractions) there will want but little of an hundred polite Questions, Answers, Replies, Rejoinders, Repartees, and Remarks, to be daily delivered fresh, in every Company, for twelve solar Months; and even this is a higher Pitch of Delicacy than the World insists on, or hath Reason to expect. But, I am altogether for exalting this Science to its utmost Perfection. ”