David Roberts

“ Before I allude to this particular circumstance, and one which gives validity to the above ‘general observations,’ I beg to be understood, that in being obliged to bring forward this case as one in point, the Officer alluded to is universally esteemed; he is not only active, but intelligent: he stands high in the estimation of his superiors, for a knowledge of the duties of his profession, as well as zeal, and courage, in their performance. ”

“ Newcome;
‘’Tis charming weather: pray from whence do you come?’
‘Uncommon hot, Sir! but I push’d my Cattle,
‘In hopes I should in time be for the Battle.’ [63]
‘O! you’re in famous time, you need not fear:
‘But you must send your Baggage to the Rear.’
‘The Devil!’ quoth John, ‘this is a queer beginning,
‘So sweating Hot, and not a change of Linen.’
And then in modest accents did intreat,
He might reserve his Canteens and his Meat.20 [64]
‘By no means, Sir, just now, we Sons of Mars,
‘Are glad to live on Brandy and Segars. ”

“ When Teague exclaims, ‘These are the Devil’s own Roads!’
Now from a Cliff they view’d a Gulph below,
Where Tagus sternly midst the Rocks did flow, [59]
A narrow path they follow’d, jam’d with stones,
John, Dobbin led, and trembled for his bones:
Scrambling, & straggling, step from Ridge to Ridge;
At length, the danger passed, they reach’d the Bridge.
Now on their Route we find them each day gaining,
But, wearied out, poor Johnny ceas’d complaining;
Grown used to suffer Insolence and Pillage
In every beastly town and dirty Village;
To see Religion made the tool of Knaves ”

“ The Armies had no time to bury the Dead, and the Inhabitants were either too indolent, or for some other reason neglected to do it. But to such a state of Barbarism had the natives of Portugal and Spain attained, that Boys and Girls have been seen throwing human heads at each other, by way of amusement; and a little Urchin, ten years old, Servant to an Officer, was heard frequently to boast, after the Battle of Salamanca, of having stolen slily on the wounded Frenchmen, struck them on the head with a Stone, in order, if possible, to kill, for the purpose of plundering them. ”

“ Whate’er John thought, he’d not point out a Flaw,
The Speaker surely’d not offend the Law.
His praise, so general, savour’d of Insanity,
Tho’ often just—it flatter’d each one’s Vanity.
Now in true earnest set about his Task,
Followed old Dad’s advice and took the Mask.
He knew in Martial Life that Truth no jest is,
Their Courts of Honour were their Courts of Justice.
He would, if possible, the Truth relate,
Devoid of malice, naught extenuate. [171]
Dad would his secret keep, he could depend ”

“ Nay, I this moment see a Villain at large, who, without receiving any offence, but what he chose to consider one, on a young Officer’s looking at a Girl, actually followed him, and struck him from behind with a stick so heavily as to brake his arm. ”

“ It is not a whimsical Uniform, or a monstrous pair of Mustachios, that make the Cavalry Officer: but there seems so much attention now-a-days paid to the external embellishment, that the interior is left to bare Walls—empty Chambers.
Even the French Cavalry boasted, ‘that give them English Horses, and they would drive the British Cavalry from the Field’; and there are folks who are inclined to believe them: then as for Cavalry Generals—I wish there was a School for Generals. ”

“ The Beasts thus bought, by Teague were taken Home;
So having time, John thought he’d take a roam.
Strolling along, he saw the Portuguese, [33]
Instead of hand, return a hugging squeeze.10
What beasts! thinks John. I’m very sure no true man
Would hug a Fellow, as we do loved Woman;
In my dear country, Women are delightful—
None here I’ve seen as yet, but what are frightful. ”

“ To find Friend John, without a spark of pride;
He thought his former Friends would off be thrown,
When, for the Guards, he’d quitted the King’s Own.
‘And I,’ said Ward, ‘dear Newcome, for my part,
‘Am glad to see you back, with all my heart.
‘But come along—I do not boast variety,
‘The poorest fare’s a Feast with good Society.
‘We will reverse the thing, for at my Treat,
‘We’ll drink like Fishes, tho’ no Fish to eat. [144]
‘’Tis thus we Soldiers live, it can’t be worse,
‘Always on Beef, and with an empty Purse.’
‘Of honest Beef,’ says John, ‘pray don’t speak slighting ”

“ A British Soldier, who was near at hand
Said, ‘Sir, our Lingo he don’t understand:
‘’Tis but three Miles, strait forward if you please,
‘There’s no use axing them there Portuguese.’
John travell’d on—but soon he slack’d his pace,
The scorching Sun came full upon his face.
‘O d——n their Climate, here’s a pretty rig,—
‘Curse me if I’m not sweating like a Pig.
‘Could I but once get home, they soon should see, [18]
‘The Devil might have all Portugal for me.’
Grumbling and Mopping, John at length contrives,
And at the Belem Barracks6 he arrives. ”

“ With lankey jaws, black brows, and dingy phizzes.
Now reach’d the Office, in he boldly bounc’d,
And with erected front himself announc’d;
When a Staff-Officer, with a stately look, [16]
A sort of frowning survey of him took:
‘Pray who are you?’ was pompously demanded:
‘I’m Ensign Newcome, and from England landed.’4
‘To Belem go, where orders you’ll receive;
‘Write down your Name, Sir, and then Lisbon leave.’
John bolted out, saying ‘Damme what a Beast,
‘I reckon he’s a General at least:
‘O rot this Soldier’s life, the Devil’s in it,
‘They will not let a body rest a minute ”

“ The immorality of the British Soldier is disgusting, and it is only by strict attention and severe discipline it is at all kept within bounds.
38 The astonishing difficulties against which Lord Wellington had to struggle, from the disorganized state of his Army, may, in some respect, be understood by reverting to his Lordship’s General Orders. Three volumes are filled with recapitulations of General Courts-Martial.
39 The handsome addition of Pay to General Officers is highly creditable to those who originally were the promoters of so well-timed a remuneration. ”

“ I will give the Spanish Nation all the credit for obstinacy and jealousy they can wish; but I for one give them no further: their conduct to their Allies, in many instances, has been unfriendly and suspicious—often Hostile. It may be politic to commend their conduct for Gallant Achievement in the Field; I of course shall not presume to contradict that: and much may be allowed for a Ragged, Starved, unpaid Host, and of whom the Officers are the first to run away. They have admitted some, but very few British Officers into their service ”

“ An enormous pair of Mustachios and Whiskers were frequently seen to protrude from the delicate countenances of some of our Bond Street Beaux.
21 For the purpose of getting Liquor, the invincible British Soldier will commit every species of depredation: he will rob a House, plunder a Church, steal from his Comrade, and strip his own Officer in the midst of death and slaughter. ”

“ Now see him careless stretch’d upon the ground,
Viewing with silent wonder all around.
His brother Officers so oddly drest,
Their ragged Jacket, and their purple Vest; [66]
Reg’mental Great Coats, batter’d, bare, and old;
And Forage Caps that once were blue, and gold.
Shirts of whose proper colour were no trace.
Mustachios, Whiskers, that disguised their face.
Yet all was lively, frolicsome, and gay,
Full of their laughter—full of fun and play.
And now John’s Hams and Tongues were all paraded,
And by his hungry Friends were soon invaded ”

“ The River, at all times rapid, by the melting of the Snow, was swollen two feet in depth, and its current raged with increasing velocity: 100 Men of the 51st were advanced, with the advance of the Hussars, and passed at the Ford with safety, but drenched with Water; the two Corps followed, and it was directed that an Infantry Soldier should hold by the stirrup-leather of a Hussar. ”

“ Judge from events, they merely were for Show;
With other Troops they hold no sort of Rivalry,
Cervantes quizz’d them out of all the Chivalry. [218]
Now all the Gallic force suspends its Flight,
And at Vittoria Centre, and Unite;
Joe, and Gazon had check’d its volitation,
And in array the Army round it Station.
Both Imbecile, and Vain, they treat with slight
The Hero and his Troops who’d caus’d their Flight.
Puff’d with conceit, they Espionage neglected,
So got a visit, sooner than expected.
Tho’ he in Leon had their minds astonish’d,
Joe, and his Chum were not to be admonish’d. ”

“ I should think a Board of Officers should be established to examine into the merits of Officers recommended for such honourable remuneration; and their fiat should either confirm the claim, or reject it altogether: a Badge of Merit would then be valuable. Indeed, if the power of the Board was extended to decide upon the merits for Brevet Rank, the service would gain by it. It is the value of a thing that makes it desirable. ”

“ So sent Teague, Trunks and all, to the Hotel. [30]
With Teague, John went next day to buy his stud,
A Mule9 for baggage, and a bit of Blood.
Now see him in the Fair, with anxious face,
Trying this Dobbin’s metal, t’ other’s pace.
‘I say, you Whiskers, what do you ask for that?
‘A Horse you call it—much more like a Rat.’
‘Noventa Dollars, Quienza Moidorés.’
‘How many Guineas, Mister?—what a bore he’s!’ [31]
‘No Senhor, no Guineas, no Senhor, no say.’
‘Why how the Devil then am I to pay?’
But getting Dollars, he the Dobbin bought,
When something passing, his attention caught. ”

“ Tho’ Teague’s report at first made John look glum—
‘’Tis only half allowance, and no Rum.’ [80]
‘O Damn those Commissaries! what a disaster,
‘They’ve brought us down, you see, to Lath & Plaster.
‘But, “Vive la guerre,” ’tis useless to repine.’
So on they March, and in the pursuit join.
Now rapidly they on the vanquish’d prest,
Snatching at intervals a hasty rest.
Day after Day, and frequently all Night,
They speed to check the Frenchmen in their flight:
When luckily for John, an order came
To Halt—for John was wearied, & poor Dobbin lame. ”

“ Landlords and Waiters ’gainst each other hustle.
Obsequiously the Landlord bows the way—
Expensive work, for every Bow you pay.26
But more of that anon—all things arrang’d;
The Dinner order’d, and apparel chang’d.
John said, ‘Dear Dad, we first must pay our Court
‘To the great Naval Chieftain of the Port’; [121]
And slily whispering, ‘It is my drift
‘On board a Man-of-War to get a lift.’
‘You must, my Boy; I fancy there are few come
‘With so much wealth and power as Sir John Newcome.’
The Admiral was civil and polite,
And courteously receiv’d the worthy Knight. ”

“ Some Folks might like a bit of Royal Hat.
‘Newcome should have the honour to present,
‘The Hat and Baton to the Prince Regent;
‘Relate of Cannon taken, and the Pelf,106
‘The Victory would best explain itself.’ [232]
And now, almost as quick as I can tell,
John found himself once more in dear Pall Mall. ”

“ With out stretch’d hand his Billet he presents,
And stopp’d his nose t’ escape the beastly scents.
A croaking voice exclaims, ‘Aqui Senhor?’
‘A key!’ says John, ‘why, D——n me, you’ve no Door.’
Teague, sober grown, now offer’d his advice, [42]
‘A Soldier, plase your honour, mayn’t be nice.
‘Becase your honour must consider; as why,
‘There’s a good Roof between us and the Sky:
‘I’ll first go out, and steal the Beasts some Food,
‘And then I’ll cook your honour something good.’
Alas! poor John ”

“ For instance, ‘Viva’ is generally intended for, ‘How do you do?’ ‘God bless you.’—‘Rompi’ is used ‘to beat, to tear, to scratch, to plunder.’—‘Patron’ is ‘the father of a family, the husband, the master.’—‘Sparum,’ ‘stop, be quiet, be easy, have done.’—‘Poke,’ from ‘poco,’ ‘a little, directly, quietly.’
The Portuguese driver perfectly resembles the English wagoner; except that the one is obstinate from stupidity, the other from insolence. ”

“ He, a young Major, over Lieutenant-Colonel O’Toole. I have not the honour to be acquainted with that gentleman, but it is generally known that he has been in every action of the last three campaigns. He has been promoted from a Company, to a Majority, and Lieutenant-Colonelcy for his meritorious conduct; in the last instance, for his gallantry at the Battle of Vittoria.
The Hussar Brigade came out in 1813; and all, I believe, that was ever known of their gallantry, was a little affair of cavalry on the 2nd of June, detailed to Lord Wellington in a flourishing letter from Colonel Grant. ”