Arthur Train

“ One would have thought that such a man would have married young; indeed, that he might have married, had he so chosen, again and again. Yet Don Antonio, charming though he undoubtedly was, remained single. The answer was on the tip of everyone’s tongue in the neighborhood. Don Antonio was known to be desperately in love with the Señora Isabella Ramirez, the victim of a hopeless but none the less interesting passion. It is true that the cynics hinted that as Señor Ramirez, her husband, was a large importer of wines there might be method in Don Antonio’s madness. ”

“ Her husband, Señor Ramirez, was attenuated, elderly, and more or less of an invalid. Her lover, Don Antonio, was also small, but he was elegant, dashing, debonair—a caballero.
There are certain philosophers who contend that just as pity is akin to love, so the tender passion is largely composed of the protective instinct. The emotion most women feel for their husbands, they say, is chiefly maternal, and hence big women do not hesitate to mate with little men and seem to feel no embarrassment about it. ”

“ Tutt coughed, pushed back his chair, and obediently rose. If the crowd had expected any burst of forensic oratory it was disappointed, for glancing along the double line of dejected countenances before him, the lawyer merely remarked in a casual tone:
“My friends of the jury: This is a very simple case—very simple! No man can be convicted of a crime which he did not intend to commit. My client, Don Antonio Castadandos, is accused of attempting to murder his old friend—I might almost say his benefactor—Señor Ramirez. He never attempted to murder him—never wished to harm him. ”

“ But I understand that you want a jury of feather-weight crape-hangers—twelve bantam benedicts.”
“Precisely!” nodded Mr. Tutt. “I want twelve middle-aged adventurers in matrimony who look as if they hadn’t a friend in the world.”
“It’s too bad I can’t serve!” remarked Tutt with feeling.
When Mr. Tutt the following afternoon forced his way through the crowd in the court-room, and took his seat beside the freshly barbered Don Antonio at the table reserved for the prisoner and his counsel, he would have been captious indeed had he felt dissatisfaction with the jury which Tutt had selected. ”

“ For the rest of us—for the public at large—Señora Isabella Ramirez will remain one of the most beautiful women in the world—until we know different!”
Deacon Terry, the dean of New York’s Criminal Fourth Estate, like most experienced reporters, was a cynic in that he realized that the lust for publicity is in most men more potent than the love of women or the lure of gold. ”

“ The Señora Amontillado wiped her eyes spasmodically.
“How beautiful!” she exclaimed brokenly to her husband. “I knew that he must be innocent—a man like that!”
“Bah!” retorted Señor Amontillado rudely. “You women are all alike!”
“That is the defense,” finished Mr. Tutt mildly. “I have my own chemist, who will testify that the compound administered was practically harmless. In any event it is clear there was no homicidal intent. Moreover”—his eye searched the jury significantly—“my client acted under duress—actual physical fear. The district attorney may cross-examine.” ”

“ But even if Don Antonio would have had difficulty in demonstrating his noble birth at the consular office or even in identifying himself sufficiently to secure an invitation to dinner at the Spanish Embassy in Washington, to say nothing of establishing a claim to any particular piece of real estate in Aragon or Cordova, nevertheless he was a caballero of the caballeros—and a noble specimen of the present generation of hidalgos. Gentility was exuded by his every movement. ”

“ Don Antonio, in spite of the gossip of wagging tongues, continued to dine every Thursday at Señor Ramirez’s house and to lunch there every Sunday and, as his friend was habitually afflicted with rheumatism, he regularly took the Señora Isabella out for a walk—either to see the bird pictures at the American Museum of Natural History, the collections at the Metropolitan Museum of Art, or the animals in the Zoo at Bronx Park—and brought her safely back to Señor Ramirez by seven o’clock. ”

“ Tutt’s account of his client’s homicidal adventure that he had volunteered his services as an expert for the defense and, having borrowed Professor Horowitz’ samples, had quickly satisfied himself of the truth of Don Antonio’s story. Sugar of lead would remain in solution when dropped into a cup of coffee, but would be precipitated into lead sulphate, and sink to the bottom of the cup in a heavy black powder, if sodium sulphate were added, which would correspondingly be transformed into acetate of soda. ”

“ Moreover, they were all diminutive—like Don Antonio. In fact, they resembled a lodge meeting of undersized undertakers.
The court-room was jammed. There hadn’t been a genuine high-class murder case for years! Even the steps leading up to the bench were occupied by highly interested lady friends of His Honor, who simply would not be denied the privilege of attendance. Four cartoonists with full-fledged easels unblushingly caricatured for their respective journals the judge, the jury, the defendant and his counsel. ”

“ But for all her solidity she was a fine figurehead of a woman—one hundred and ninety-five pounds of Hispanic beauty—a lady of power and of passion, whom no one would approach carelessly and to whom no one would make love without encouragement. ”

“ Does it draw the males instinctively toward the weak and fragile, the clinging vines, the ultrafeminine, rather than toward the strong, vigorous, and efficient specimens of womankind? Does it lead men naturally to select as the objects of their affections women smaller than themselves, about whose waists they can thrust the protective arm without too much reaching? ”

“ In fact, he was completely cured of the attack of rheumatism from which he had been suffering.
But the conspirators in their excitement had forgotten to dispose of the remainder of the cup of coffee, and the doctor when he left the house had taken it away with him. On Saturday Señor Ramirez learned definitely from chemical analysis that he was suffering slightly from lead poisoning, and that probably only the fact that he possessed the constitution of an ox had saved his life. ”

“ We’re as dry as the Sahara out in the pressroom, and there hasn’t even been a Syrian murder in six months. The public have forgotten there’s such a thing as a district attorney’s office. This will keep us going for a couple of weeks anyhow. All the preliminary matter, you know—interviews with Señor Ramirez Claro Invincible and Señora Isabella Pippinetta Colorado—famous murder trials of the past—Buchanan, Harris, Molineux et al.; historic stuff about kings, Spanish or otherwise, murdered by their wives or mistresses and the latter’s lovers ”

“ And he did. Then, closing the statute book, he cleared his throat and went on: “This is an unusual case. The law requires an intent to kill—without it you cannot convict the defendant of attempted murder. If you believe the defendant’s story he had no such intent. At most he could be convicted only of assault in a lesser degree. Do you wish me to charge the law of assault, Mister District Attorney?”
Peckham hesitated. ”

“ An extra force of court officers had been installed to preserve order, and the only persons allowed access to the room were a constant succession of small boys who, waiting breathlessly while the reporters dashed off trenchant comments upon the progress of the trial, pounced upon them as completed and rushed to the telephones below. ”