C. S. Montanye

“ He's so rough that he uses a rake as a side comb and he's got a personality as thrilling as a hangnail. Not only that but he's so mean that his knees are the only thing that give. Dismiss the idea instantly.”
“I was just wondering,” the girl giggled. “For the last few days he's been chasing a man on a bicycle and he hasn't caught him yet.”
Equal that!
A week later Tarkington van Riker, with valet, motor and more luggage than a musical show, reached the Scandrel layout and caused some eye widening. ”

“ He turned to the blushing Amabel as Alice Lamont giggled.
“And oh, dad,” she cooed, using her soulful eyes, “I know you are going to be frightfully angry with me but I suppose I might as well tell you now and have it over with. I'm engaged, too. It was simply a case of love at first sight with us both. You always objected to handsome men but now you won't have any cause for complaint. He's so sweet but so homely and——”
“Stop right there!” Channing Lamont roared. “Who is this man? Where is he?”
The brown-haired Alice nodded at the motionless figure of Dangerous Dave McFinn. ”

“ Brain strain on O'Brien's part was unnecessary for at five o'clock promptly fifteen thousand dollars' worth of motor car rushed up to the front porch, a chauffeur and a footman in livery had a fist fight to see who would open the door first and out of the big truck alighted a stout gentleman who resembled money from the top of his high silk hat to the tips of his low, patent-leather scows. ”

“ A half hour after that I wandered into the gym and found the loungers talking Van Riker and valet over.
“Lovely roses!” Dangerous Dave McFinn was sneering. “The ticker tramp looks halfway human but his man servant girl is twice as sweet as candy. When I seen him I couldn't figure out if I ought to slap him on the wrist or the jaw. He's one of them sweet young things that always makes it a case of hate at first sight. I only wish he would touch my necktie. I'd knock him so hard that he'd wake up with a French accent!”
“Yes, you would,” Tin Ear O'Brien cut in quickly. ”

“ I'll give this Jepson a fast line when I see him. It's better to have loved and lost than to have gotten a broken nose. Come on, let's me and you run down to the Town Hall ourselves and look these knitting freaks over. ”

“ There were hills and rills, high spots and low spots, farmhouses and charm houses on every hand and along every foot.
“This here Wellington trap is eight minutes ahead,” Ottie informed me at length, “Listen. It's apt to tear the shirt off your back with laughter but don't smile when we steam through. The jobbies who hang out there are terrible sensitive. Honest, the bunch of them are so narrow-minded that you could button their ears at the back of their necks. ”

“ Accompanied by as many stares as the average immigrant gives Ellis Island, we shot up a hill, turned to the right and running under a big new sign that read “Five Acres,” pulled up to the porch of a rambling, white colonial homestead that had enough pillars for a couple of dozen twin beds.
“This is it!” Ottie exclaimed with no small degree of pride. “And if it ain't the kitten's cookies then George Washington never buckled on a sword. Wait until I turn this car out to pasture and then I'll show you around the premises.”
He had hardly finished speaking before Looie Pitz rode up on a bicycle. ”

“ Ottie Scandrel enters the business of health for
wealth and runs into an epidemic of trouble.
ONCE upon a time, as they say when they're broadcasting the cute little bedtime stories via the radio, a big tramp called “Uncle Ottie” Scandrel, with more money 'than brains and more leisure time than a convict, bought a big, beautiful health farm called Five Acres, located in a place known as Wellington, New York. ”

“ There was no sign of Ottie until early in the afternoon when he locked Tarkie van Riker in his room and came down on the porch to give me a nudge and one of the handbills advertising the fair at the Town Hall the same night.
“Read this, Joe. Quite the event, what? Er—I've been trying to get Amabel on the telephone and invite her to blow down there with me to-night but so far the wire hasn't answered and she's not around the garden. I'd like to lay bets that she and Jep have gone over to Tarrytown in a hired hack. Honest, for a valet that boy spends money like an intoxicated spendthrift. ”

“ The young man mentioned had been a sensation in Wall Street where, as a bucket-shop plunger, he had made and lost fortunes with the nonchalant ease of a colored hall boy matching pennies with the janitor. ”

“ Like lightning McFinn sprang out of his chair, tore the brim from the hat and threw it in the astonished face of the valet.
“You big mockie!” he roared. “You did that on purpose! You can't insult me when I'm with a lady! I never did like you and now I hate you! Put up your dukes. I'm going to give you the cuffing of a lifetime!”
Before any one, Scandrel least of all, could interfere, Tin Ear O'Brien, tearing himself away from his. merry comrades, reached Jepson's side in oue spring and two bounds. ”

“ Ottie admired the latest trick in light-blue shirts and collars in an opposite mirror and curled a lip.
“Don't you know nothing? I've got the best location in the world—if you don't count Cuba. Wellington is convenient to White Plains, Albany, Staten Island and Lake Erie. It might be farther away from Crimes Square and nearer than it is. But you can bet your sour life it's planted just right for me. It's on the main road and I'll have the dollar boys dropping in to get improved if I have to go out and trap them with nets. ”

“ Pitz looked at his watch and then asked me the time.
“The Palace me eye—he's got too many queens on his mind as it is. He thinks he has Al Jolson tied for the laughs but a couple of good slappings will change his tunes. Really, I think I'll be able to cash in on this party. He punches like a slot machine, packs a kick like a guy looking for a raise in wages, never whines about punishment and has a greyhound looking slow when it comes to speed. ”

“ I snapped. “This girl is probably the same one McFinn was speaking about the other day. Drive on and don't annoy her. Vegetables are high priced enough as it is.”
“Get out and walk if you don't want to sit here and wait! What wren ever got annoyed by any one looking at her? I like her sunbonnet and I like her sunburn. I like a——”
The girl turned and Ottie stopped speaking as quickly as if some one had stolen his watch. ”

“ Scandrel looked at me.
“Listen, Bright Eyes, don't be like that. Er—give me the message and I'll see that Van Riker gets it as fast as special delivery.”
The young lady drew a breath.
“This is the way it is. The ladies of the Wellington Knitting Guild are giving a fair and bazaar next Monday night at the Town Hall. I came over to ask Tarkie if he wouldn't loan us Jepson, his valet, to help with the decorations. That Mr. McFinn I was talking with has volunteered to come over and help and——”
“Don't say another word!” Ottie barked. ”